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SAMUEL BTJILER. 

BORN A.D. 1612; DIED A.D. 1680. 



HUDIBRAS 



A POEM. 




By SAMUEL BUTLER. 

WITH NOTES AND LIFE OF THE AUTHOR. 



BOSTON: ROBERTS BROTHERS. 
1866. 






48 65 5 5 

JUL 2 a 1942 



CONTENTS. 



Page 

Memoir of Butler, Author of Hudibras 3 

Prkface to the Reader , . . 11 

HUDIBRAS. IN THREE PARTS. 

Part I. Canto I 13 

Cauto II 49 

Canto III. 91 

Part II. Canto I 135 

Canto II 167 

Canto III li)9 

An Heroical Epistle of Hudibras to Silaophel . 240 

Part III. Canto 1 245 

Canto II 297 

Canto III 361 

An Heroical Epistle of Hudibras to Hi3 Lady . . 387 
The Lady's Answer to the Knight 39S 



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\ 3 


Wh> 




SAMUEL BUTLER, 

AUTHOR OF HUDIBRAS. 



Samuel Butlep. was the son of Samuel Butler, a 
fanner of Strensham, in Worcestershire, where he 
;ha(l a small estate of his own, of the then value of 
:10^. yearly, and occupied another estate or farm 
iof the value of 300Z. yearly, belonging to Sir 
IWilliam Kussell, lord of the manor of Strensham. 
He was not an unlearned man, but wi'ote a clear, 
legible hand, and kej^t the parish books, and 
managed the business connected therewith, under 
the superintendence, and by the direction of his 
landlord, near whose house he lived, and to whom 
:he was probably indebted for advice, countenance, 
and assistance, and from whom the family im- 
bibed their loyalist principles ; for Sir William 
was a staunch royalist and spent a consideral)lc 
part of his fortune in the cause ; indeed, he was 
the only person exempted from the treaty when 
Worcester surrendered to the Parliament in the 
year 1646. The poet's father was churchwarden 
b2 



4 SAMUEL BUTLER, 

the year before liis son Samuel was born, and 
entered his bai)tism in the parish register, dated 
February 8, 1662. The poet received the rudi- 
ments of .his education at home, and afterwards at 
the College School at Worcester under the able 
tuition of the learned and conscientious master, 
Henry Bright, Prebendary of the Cathedral there. 
It is not known how long the subject of this 
memoir remained under his care, nor is it known 
if he ever entered the University, though Wood, 
on the authority of Butler's brother, says the poet 
spent six or seven years at Cambridge, but pro- 
bably his residing in the neighbourhood gave rise 
to the idea that he had been at Cambridge ; it is, 
however, tolerably certain that he never matricu- 
lated, one reason for which may, be that as his 
father had three other sons and three daughters, 
he was not able or inclined to bear such heavy 
charges as those involved in a residence at the 
university for one of his children to the prejudice 
of the others. Be this, as it may, our author, on 
his return to his native county, entered into the 
service of Thomas Jelferies, Esq , of Earls Croombe, 
an active magistrate, and leading man in the 
business of the district, with whom he remained I 
some time ; the office he held, as clerk, was of ( 
some importance, and required a knowledge oft 
the laws and constitution of the country. Here 
ho had sufficient leisure to apply himself to such i 



AUTHOR OF IIUDIBRAS. 



brandies of stuily as his inclinations led liim: 
these were jirincipally history and poetry, to 
which, for relaxation, he added music and paint- 
ing, and some pictures said to have been painted 
by" him remained at Earls Croombe. He was 
afterwards in the service of Elizabeth, Countess of 
Kent, a great patron and encourager of learning, 
who resided at Mert, in Bedfordshire, and here ho 
had- access to a large and well selected library, 
and also the assistance and advice of "that living 
library of learning, the great Selden. " Selden was 
left executor to the Countess, and it is probable 
that the nature of his duties, and the state of her 
affairs, required Butler's attention after her decease. 
Little is heard or known of Butler till after the 
Restoration, but his biogi-aphers say he lived for 
some time in the service of Sir Samuel Luke, of 
Cople Hoo Farm, or Wood End, in that county, 
a colonel in the Parliamentary Army, and active 
partisan of Oliver Cromwell. The Lukes were 
an ancient family at Cople, about three nules 
south of Bedford, and it is stated that from Sir 
Sjimuel, l'>utler drew his character of Hudibras ; 
but such men were by no means scarce in those 
times. After the restoration of King Charles XL 
those who had the administration of affairs were 
so much engaged with the many claimants for 
favour, that modest merit was overlooked, and 
Butler, possessing an innate modesty whi^h 



6 SAMUEL BUTLER, 

rarely finds promotion at court, was content to 
assimilate his wants to his means. Our author 
obtained an imprimatur for printing his poem, 
sif^nedJ.Berkenhead, Nov. 11, 1662, and published 
the fii-st part, containing 125 pages, in the follow- 
ing year. Sir Roger L'Estrange granted an impri- 
matur for the second part, by the author of the 
first, Nov. 5, 1663, and it was printed in 1664. 
Doubtless other editions were printed, but the 
first and second parts, with notes to both, were 
printed, octavo, 1674, and the last edition of the 
third part was printed before the author's death, 
without notes, Avhich have since been added. In 
the British Museum is the original injunction by 
authority, signed John Berkenhead, forbidding 
any printer, or other person Avhatsoever, to print 
Hudibras, or any part thereof, without the consent 
or approbation of Samuel Butler (or Boteler), 
Esq., or his assignees, given at Whitehall, 10th 
September, 1677. Tt was natural to suppose that 
after the publication of Hudibras, a poem that 
did such eminent service to the royal cause, 
Butler would receive some mark of royal favour, 
and there is good reason for believing that he was 
at one time gratified with an order on the treasury 
for 300Z., which is said to have passed all the 
offices without payment of fees. This sum afforded 
him an opportunity of displaying his integrity, 
for he at once conveyed the whole amount to a 



AUTHOR OF HUDIBRAS. 7 

friend in trust, for the equal benefit of his credi- 
tors. Dr. Zachary Pearce, on the authority of 
Mr. Lowndes of the Treasury, asserts that Butler 
received from Charles II. an annual pension of 
lOOZ. ; he also became secretary to Richard, Earl 
of Carbury, Lord President of the Principality of 
Wales, who made him steward of Ludlow Castle 
when the court was revived there. About this 
time he married Mrs. Herbert, a lady of good 
family, and possessed of a competency, which was 
most of it lost either through having been put out 
on insufficient security, or through knavery ; it 
is thought by some that it is owing to these losses 
that his poem contains such severe strictures on 
the lawyers, but, if carefully read, it will be 
found that he only satirizes the unworthy members 
of the profession. 

How long Butler remained steward of Ludlow 
Castle is not known, but some of his biographers 
have asserted that he was secretary to the Duke 
of Buckingham when he was chancellor to the 
University of Cambridge ; whether this was so or 
not, it is certain that the duke entertained a great 
regard for, and was often a benefactor to him. 
Butler spent some time in France, most probably 
at that period when Louis XIV. was in the height 
of his glory, but neither the tone nor manners in 
Paris were pleasing to the poet, as is sufficiently 
proved from some of his observations. He was 



8 SAMUEL BUTLER, 

evidently disappointed that his services in the 
royal cause were not more prominently recognised 
and rewarded. In his MS. common-place book 
he twice transcribes (with some slight variation) 
this distich : — 

' To think how Spenser died, how Cowley moum'd. 
How Butler's faith and service were return' d." 

In the same MS. he writes "wit is very charge- 
able, and not to be maintained in its necessary 
expenses at an ordinary rate ; it is the worst trade 
in the world to live upon, and a commodity that 
no man thinks he has need of, for those who have 
least believe they have most. " 

The latter part of his life he lived in Rose 
Street, Covent Garden, in a studious and retired 
manner, and died there in the year 1680. Some 
of his friends wished to have him interred with 
proper solemnity in Westminster Abbey, but not 
finding others willing to contribute to the expense, 
his corpse was deposited (at the charge of his good 
friend Mr. William Longueville, of the Temple) in 
the yard belonging to St. Paul's Church, Covent 
Garden, at the west end of the said yard on the 
north side, under the wall of the said church, and 
under that portion of wall which parts the yard 
from the common highway. It is the more neces- 
sary to particularly record this, because in tlie 
year 1786, when the church was repaired, a marble 



AUTHOR OF HUDIBRAS. » 

monument was placed on the south side within 
the church, the inscription on which reads thus :— 

'■ This little monument was erected in the year 1786 by 
some of the parishioners of Covent Garden, in memory of 
the celebrated Samuel Butler, who was buried in this 
church, A.D. 1680." 

The verses I omit, for though the zeal of the 
writer does him honour, he seems to have mistaken 
Butler's character. 

In the year 1721, a monument was erected to 
the memory of Butler, in Westminster Abbey, by 
John Barber, a wealthy printer and ahlerman. 
The inscription, which is in f/itin, is thus trans- 
lated : — 

Sacred to the memory of 

SAMUEL BUTLER, 

who was bom at Strensham, Worcestershire, 1612, 

and died at London, 16S0. 

A man of extraordinary Learning, Wit, and Integrity. 

Peculiarly happy in his writings. 

Not so in the encouragement of them. 

The curious inventor of a kind of Satire amongst us, 

By which he pluck'd the Mask from Pious Hypocrisy, 

And plentifully exposed the villany of Rebels. 

The First and Last of Writers in his way. 

Lest he who (when alive) was destitute of all things 

Should (when dead) want likewise a monument, 

John Barber, Citizen of London, hath taken care by 

placing this stone over him, 1721. 

It was on the latter part of the inscription on this 



10 SAMUEL BUTLEP, AUXnOR OF HUDIBRAS. 

1 

mouumeut that Samuel Wesley wrote tlie follow- 
ing :— 

While Butler, ueedj' wretch, was still alive. 

No generous patron would a dinner give. 

See him when starv'd to death and turn'd to dust 

Presented with a monumental bust. 

The poet's fate is here in emblem shown, 

He ask'd for bread, and he received a stone. 

Butler was a most industrious Avriter ; he com- 
piled and transcribed a French dictionary, and 
various other works attest his untiring energy and 
great resources; but chief of all is "Hudibras," 
the design of which is to satirize those fanatics 
and pretenders to religion who flourished during 
the Commonwealth. The poem has frequently 
been imitated, but hitherto nothing has appeared 
to compare with it, for depth of learning, happiness 
of satire, or humorous interpretation, and the 
present generation may safely say of its author, 

" Take him for all in all, 
We shall not look upon his like again." 



HUDIBEAS. 



TO THE READER. 

I'OETA nascitur, non Jit, is a sentence of as great 
ruth as antiquity ; it being most certain that all 
he acquired learning imaginable is insufRcient to 
;omplete a poet, without a natural genius and 
propensity to so noble and sublime an art. And 
ve may, without offence, observe, that many 
ery learned men, who have been ambitious to be 
hought poets, have only rendered themselves 
ibnoxious to that satirical inspiration our author 
rittny invokes : — 

Which made them, though it were in spite 
Of Nature, and their stars, to write. 

On the other side, some who have had very little 
luman learning, but were endued with a large 
hare of natural wit and parts, have become the 
nost celebrated poets of the age they lived in. 
Jut as these last are rarce aves in terris ; so when 
he Muses have not disdained the assistances of 
ther arts and sciences, we are then blessed with 
hose lasting monuments of wit and learning 
v^hich may justly claim a kind of eternity upon 



12 TO THE PvEADER. 

earth : and our autlior, had his modesty permittee! 

him, might, with Horace, have said : — 

Exegi monumeutuni lere pereunius ; 

or, with Ovid : — 

Jamque opus exegi, quod nee Jovis ira nee ignis, 
Nee poterit ferrum, uec edax abolere vetustas. 

The author of this celebrated Poem was of thi 
last composition ; for although he had not tlu 
happiness of an academical education, as som( 
affirm, it may be perceived, throughout his whoh 
Poem, that he had read much, and was very wel 
accomplished in the most useful parts of humad 
learning. ' 

Rapin, in his Pteflections, speaking of the 
necessary qualities belonging to a poet, tells us, 
" He must have a genius extraordinary ; great 
natural gifts ; a wit just, fruitful, piercing, solid, 
and universal ; an understanding clear and dis- 
tinct ; an imagination neat and pleasant ; an 
elevation of soul that depends not only on art 
or study, but is purely a gift of Heaven, which J 
must be sustained by a lively sense and vivacity ; i 
judgment to consider wisely of things, and viva- 
city for the beautiful expression of them ; " &c. 

Now, how justly this character is due to our 
author, I leave to the impartial reader, and those 
of nicer judgments, who had the happiness to be 
more intimately acquainted with him. 



HUDIBKAS. 
PART I. CANTO I. 




THE ARGUMENT. 

Sir Hudibras his passing worth, 
The manner how he sallied forth, 
His arms and equipage are shown, 
His horse's virtues, and his own : 
Th' adventure of the Bear and Fiddle 
Is sung, but breaks off in the middle. 



HUDTBEAS. 



PART I. CANTO I. 



When civil dudgeon^ first grew high, 
And men fell out they knew not why ; 
When hard words,-\iealousies, and fears, 
Set folks together by the ears. 
And made them light, like mad or drunk, 
For dame Religion, as for punk ; 
W^iose honesty they all durst swear for, 
Though not a man of them knew wherefore ; 
When Gospel-trumpeter, surrounded 
With long-ear 'd rout, to battle sounded ; 
And pulpit, drum ecclesiastic, 
Was beat with tist instead of a stick ; 
(1) To take in chulgeon, is inwardly to resent some in- 

urv or affront, and what is previous to actual tury. 
(h It may be justly said Tkey knew not why; since, as 

Lord Clarendon observes, 'The like peace and plenty, and 

universal tranquillity, was never enjoyed by any n'-jt'o" JV"^ 

ten years together, before those luiliappy *'';7^^1'^^,^^f'Sf",, 
(d) By liAnl words, he probably means the cant wouls 

used by the Presbyterians and sectaries of those times ; 

such as Gospel-walking, Gospel-preachmg, Soul-sa mg 

Eect, Saints, the Godly, the Predestinate, am the like ; 

which they applied to their own preachers and themselves 
riV Alhiding to their vehement action in the pulpit, and 

their beating it with their lists, as if they were beating a 

diuni. 



16 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 

Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling, 
And out he rode a colonelling.^ 
A wight he was, whose very sight would 
Entitle him ^Mirror of Knighthood, 
That never bow'd his stubborn knee 
To any thing but Chivalry,^ 
Nor put up blow, but that which laid 
Right Worshipful on shoulder-blade ; 
Chief of domestic knights and errant, 
Either for chartel or for warrant ; 
Great on the bench, great in the saddle,^ 
That could as well bind o'er as swaddle ; 
Mighty he was at both of these 
And styl'd of War, as well as Peace : 
(So some rats, of amphibious nature, 
Aro either for the land or water) 
But here our authors make a doubt 
Whether he were more wise or stout : 
Some hold the one, and some the other, 
But, howsoe'er they make a ])other, 
The difference was so small, his brain 
Outweigh'd his rage but half a grain ; 
Wliich made some take him for a tool 
That knaves do work with, call'd a Fool. 

(5) The Knight (if Sir Samuel Luke was Mr. Butlei-'s hero) 
was not only a Colonel in the Parliament-army, but also 
Scoutmaster-general in the counties of Bedford, Suixy, Arc. 
This gives us some light into his character and conduct ; 
for he is now entering upon his proper office, full of 
pretendedly ) ious and panctiticd resolutions for the good 
of his country. 

(6) He kneeled to the King, when he knighted him, but 
seldom ujion any other occasion. 

(7) In tliis chanu'terof Hudibra.s all the abuses of human 
learning are finely satirized : philosophy, logic, rhetoric, 
mathematics, metaphysics, and school-divinity. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 17 

For't has been held by many, that 

A.S Montaigne, playing with his cat, 

Oomplains she thought him but an ass, 

Much more she would Sir Hudibras ; 

[For that's the name our valiant Knight 

To all his challenges did write) 

But they're mistaken very much ; 

Tis plain enough he was not such. 

We grant, although he had much wit, 

H' was very shy of using it, 

As being loth to wear it out, 

And therefore bore it not about ; 

Unless on holy-days, or so, 

As men their best apparel do. 

Beside 'tis known he could speak Greek 

As naturally as pigs squeak ; 

That Latin was no more difficile, 

Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle : 

Being rich in both, he never scanted 

His bounty unto such as wanted ; 

But much of either would afford 

To many that had not one word. 

For Hebrew roots, although they're found 

To flourish most in barren ground. 

He had such plenty, as suffic'd 

To make some think him circumcis'd ; 

And truly so he was, perhaps. 

Not as a proselyte, but for claps. 8 

He was in logic a great critic. 
Profoundly skill'd in analytic ; 

(8) Thus changed m the editions of 1674, 1684, 1680, 1694, 
1700. 

And truly so perhaps he was, 
'Tis many a pious Christian's case. 



18 HUDIBRAS. PARI 

He could distirguish, and divide 

A liair 'twixt south and south-west side ; 

On either which he would disptite, 

Confute, change hands, and still confute : 

He'd undertake to prove, by force 

Of argument, a man's no horse ; 

He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl, 

And that a lord may be an owl ; 

A calf an alderman,^ a goose a justice, 

And rooks committee-men '" and trustees. 

He'd run in debt by disputation, 

And pay with ratiocination : 

All this by syllogism, true 

In mood and figure, he would do. 

For rhetor i(>., he could not ope 

His mouth, but out there flew a trope ; 

And when he happen'd to break off 

I' th' middle of his speech, or cough, 

H' had hard words ready to show why, 

And tell what rules he did it by ; ■ 

(9) Such was Aldorinan Pennington, who sent a persont 
to Newgate for singing (what he called) a malignant psalm.\ 

Ih Lord Charendon observes, 'That after the declaration r 
of No more Addresses to the King, they who were not I 
above the condition of ordinary constables six or ^sevem 
years before, were now tlie justices of the peace.' Dr. 
Bruno Ry ves informs us, that the ' town of Chehnsford nv 
Essex was governed, at the beginning of the Rebellion, by ^ 
a tinker, two coblers, two tailors, and two pedlars.' 

(10) In the several counties, especially the associated 
ones, (Middlesex, Kent, Surrey, Sussex, Norfolk, Suffolk,: 
and Cambridgeshire), which sided with the Parliament • 
committees were erected of such men as were for the Good. 
Ca^ise, as they called it, who had authority, Irom the 
members of the two Houses at Westminster, to fine and 
imprison whom they pleased. 



CANTO I. II UD I BRAS. 19 

Else when with greatest art he spoke, 

You'd think he talk'd like other folk ; 

For all a rhetorician's rules 

Teach nothing but to name his tools. 

But, when he pleas'd to show't, his speech, 

In loftiness of sound, was rich ; 

A Babylonish dialect, 

Which learned pedants much affect ; 

[t was a party-colour'd dress 

3f patch'd and piebald languages ; 

Tvvas English cut on Greek and Latin, 

Like fustian heretofore on satin ; 

[t had an old j^romiscuous tone, 

is if h' had talk'd three parts in one ; 

/Vhich made some think, when he did gabble, 

rh' had heard three labourers of Babel, 

3r Cerebus himself pronounce 

\. leash of languages at once. 

This he as volubly would vent, 

^s if his stock would ne'er be spent ; 

\.nd truly, to sup[)ort that charge, 

ie had supplies as vast and large ; 

^'or he could coin or counterfeit^! 

?^ew words, with little or no wit ; 

Vords so debasVl and hard, no stone 

iVas hard enougli to touch them on ; 

find when with hasty noise he spoke 'em, 

I'he ignorant for current took 'em ; 

(11) The Presbyterians coined a great number, such 
I? Out-goings, Carryings-on, Nothingness, Workings-out, 
losp.'l-walkiug-times, &c. which we shall meet wi*h hei-e- 
^ter, in the si)ee(',hes of the Knight and Squire, and rthers, 
I this Poem ; for which they are bantered bv Sir John 
[irkonhead. in his two Centuries of Paul's Church-yanl 



20 1IUDTT3EAS. PART I. I 

That had the orator, i'' avIio once 

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones 

"When he harangu'd, but known his phrase, 

He would have us'd no other ways. 

In mathematics he was gi-eater 

Than Tycho Braheis or Erra Pater ; 

For he, by geometric scale, 

Could take the size of pots of ale ; 

Eesolve by sines and tangents, straight. 

If bread or butter wanted weight ; 

And wisely tell whnt hour o' th' day 

The clock does strike, by Algebra. 

Beside, he was a shrewd ])hilosopher, 

And had read ev'ry text and glo;^s over ; 

Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath, 

He understood b' implicit faith ; 

Whatever sceptic could inquire for, 

For ev'ry why he had a wherefore ; 

KneAV more than forty of them do, 

As for as words and terms could go ; 

All which he understood by rote. 

And, as occasion serv'd, would quote ; 

No matter whether right or wrong ; 

They might be cither said or sung. 

His notions fitted things so well. 

That which was which he could not tell, 

Put oftentimes mistook the one 

For the' other, as great clerks have done. 

He could reduce all things to acts, 

And knew their natures by abstracts ; 

(121 D'jraosthencs is here meant, who had a defect in his 
sppech. 

(135 An eminent Danish mathematician. 

lb. William Lilly, the lamuus iu-stiuloger u! those times. 



CANTO I. UUDIBRAS. 2] 

Where Entity and Quiddity, 

The ghosts of defunct bodies, fly ; 

Where truth in person does a])i)car, 

Like words congeal'd in northei-n air. 

He knew wliat's what, and that'a as high 

As metaphysic wit can fly : 

In school-divinity as able 

As lie that hight Irrefragable ;i4 

A second Thomas, or, at once 

To name them all, another Dunce :^^ 

(141 Tnrfmgablc] Alcxaiifler H.ales, so called : lie was 
an Lng h.sliiiian, bcni in Gloucestershire, and flourished 
about the year 1236, at the time when what was called 
bcliool-c iviuity was much in vogue ; in which science he 
was so deeply read, that he was called Doctor IrrefragahU is : 
tli.it IS, the luvuioibk Doctor, whose arguments could not 
be ri'sisted. 

(15; Thomas Aquinas, a Dominican Friar, was born in 

.14, studied at Cologne and at Paris. He new modelled 
jhe school-divinity, and was therefore called the Anffclic 
Doctor, and Eagle of divines. The most illustrious persons 
91 his tuue were ambitious of his friendship, and put a hi-h 
value on his merits, so that they offered him bishopricks 
which ho retused with as much ardour as others seek aficr 
them. He died in the fiftieth year of his age, and was 
canonized by Pope John XXII. We have his works iu 
16 vols, several times printed. 

Johannes Dunscotus was a very learned man, who lived 
ibout the end of the thirteenth, and beginning of the 
fourteenth century. The Euglish and Scots strive which 
of them shall li.ive the honour of his birth. The English 
ay he was born in NorMiumberlaud ; the Scots allege he 
vas born at Duuse in the IM.-rse, the neiglibouring county 
o KorlhunilHrlaud, and hence was called Duiiscotv.^.- 
Morci, Buchannu, ai'd other Scotch historians, are of this 
jpiiiion, and, for pi'oof, cite his epitaph ; 

Scotia me genuit, Anglia suscepit, 
Gallia eduUv-it, Germania tenet. 

He died at Cologne, Nov. 8, IMOS. 



22 HUD I Bi: AS. I'AKT I. 

Profound in all the Nominal 
And Real '" ways beyond them all : 
For he a rope of sand could twist 
As tough as learned Sorbonist, 
And weave fine cobwebs, fit for scull 
That's empty when the moon is full ; 
Such as take lodgings in a head 
That's to be let unfurnished. 
He could raise scruples dark and nice, 
And after solve 'em in a trice ; 
As if Divinity had catch'd 
The itch, on purpose to be scratch'd ; 
Or, like a mountebank, did wound 
And stab herself with doubts profound, 
Only to show with how small i)ain 
The sores of Faith are cur'd again ; 
Although by woful proof we find 
They always leave a scar behind. 
He knew the seat of Paradise, 
Could tell in what degree it lies, 
And, as he was dispos'd, could prove it 
Below the moon, or else above it ; 
What Adam dreamt of, when his bride 
Came from her closet to his side ; 
Whether the devil tempted her 
By a high Dutch inter[)reter ; 
If either of them had a navel ; i'' 
Who first made music malleable ; 
Whether the serpent, at the fall, 

(16) Gulielnms Occhani was father of the Nominals, and 
Johannes Dunseotus of the Reals. 

(17) Several of the ancients have snpposed that Adam 
and Eve had no navels ; and, among the moderns, the lata 
learned Bishop Cu nberland was of this opinion. 



CANTO r. IIUDIBr.AS. 23 

Had cloven feet, or none at all : — 

All this, without a gloss or comment, 

He could unriddle in a moment, 

In proper terms, such as men smatter 

When they throw out and miss the matter. 

For his religion/^'' it was fit 
To match his learning and his wit ; 
'Twas Presbyterian true blue ; 
For he was of that stubborn crew 
Of errant saints, whom all men gi-ant 
To be the true Church Militant ; ^^ 
Such as do build their faith upon 
The holy text of pike and gun ; '■^^ 
Decide all controversies by 
Infallible artillery ; 
And prove their doctrine orthodox, 
By apostolic blows and knocks ; ^^ 

(IS) Mr. Butler is very exact in delineating his hero's 
religion ; it was necessary that he should be so, that the 
reader might judge whether he was a proper person to set 
up for a reformer, and whether the religion he professed 
was more eligible than that he endeavoured to demolisli. 

(19) Where Presbytery has been established, it has been 
usually ettected by force of arms, like tlie religion of 
Mahomet : thus it was established at Geneva in Switzer- 
land, Holland, Scotland, &.c. In France, for some time, 
by that means, it obtained a toleration ; much blood was 
shed to get it established in England ; and once, during 
that Grand Bebellion, it seemed very near gaining an 

tablishment here. 

(20) Upon these Cornet Joyce built his faith, when he 
carried away the King, by force, from Holdenby ; for when 
his Majesty asked him for a sight of his instructions, Joyce 
said, He should see them presently; and so drawing up 

troop in the inward court, ' These, Sir, (said the Cornet) 
are my instructions.' 

(21) Many instanees of that kind are given by Dr. Walker, 
in his 'Sufl'erings of the Episcopal Clergy.' 



24 HUDIBKAS. TART I, 

Call fire, and sword, and desolation, 

A SO'i^yj thorough Reformation, 

Which always must be carried on, 

And still be doing, never done ; 

As if Religion were intended 

TT'or nothing else but to be mended : 

A sect'^ whose chief devotion lies 

In odd perverse antipathies ; 

In falling out with that or this, 

And finding somewhat still amiss ; 

More peevish, cross, and splenetic. 

Than dog distract, or monkey sick ; 

That with more care keep holy-day 

The wrong,^^ than others the riglit Avay ; 

Compound for sins they are inclin'd to. 

By damning those they have no mind to : 

Still so perverse and opposite. 

As if they worship 'd God for spite : 

Tlie self-same thing they will abhor 

One way and long another for : 

Free-will they one way disavow, 

Another, nothing else allow : 

All piety consists tlierein 

In them, in other men all sin : 

Rather than fail, they will defy 

That which they love most tenderly ; 

Quarrel with minc'd-pies, and disparage 

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge ; 

(22) The religion of the Presbyterians of tliose times 
consisted princix>ally in an opposition to the Church of 
England, and in quarrelling with the niost mnocent cus- 
toms then in use, as the eating Christmas -pies and plum- 
porridge, at Christmas, whicli tliey rei)uted sinful. 

(23) They were so remarkably obstinate in tliis respect, 
that they kept a fast ujion Christnlns-da3^ 



C.VXTO I. HUDTBRAP, 25 

Fat ]^^if and goose itself oppose, 

And l^lasphenie cnstard through the nose. 

The' apostles of this fierce religion, 

Like Mahomet's, were ass and wigeon, 

To whom onr Knight, by fast instinct 

Of wit and temper, was so linkt, 

As if hypoerisy and nonsense 

Had got the' advowson of his conscience.^ 

Thus was he gifted and accouter'd ; 
We mean on the' inside, not the outward ; 
That next of all we shall discuss : 
Then listen. Sirs, it follows thus. 
His tawny beard ^ was the' equal grace 
Both of his wisdom and his face ; 
In cut and dye so like a tile, 
A sudden view it would beguile ; 
The upper pai-t whereof was whey, 
The nether orange, mix'd Avith grey. 
This hairy meteor did denounce 
The fall of sceptres and of crowns ; 

(24) Dr. Bnmo Ryyes gives a remarkable instance of a 
fanatical conscience in a captain who was invited by a 
soldier to eat part of a goose witli him ; but refused, 
because, lie said, it was stolen : but being to march away, 
he who would eat no stolen goose, made no scruple to ride 
away u]ion a stolen nuire ; for, plundering Mrs. Bartlet of 
her mare, this hypocritical captain gave sufficient testimony 
to the world that the old Pharisee and new Puritan have 
consciences of the self-same temper, 'to strain at a gnat, 
and swallow a camel.' 

(2.'i) It may be asked, Why the Poet is so particular upon 
the Knight's beard, and gives it the preference to all his 
other accoutrements? The answer seems to be plain ; the 
Knight had made a vow not to cut it till the Parliament 
had subdued the King ; hence it became necessary to havo 
it fully described. 



26 RUDIBRAS. fAUT I. 

With grisly type did represent 

Declining age of government, 

And tell, with hieroglyphic spade. 

Its own grave and the State's were made : 

Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew 

In time to make a nation rue ; 

Though it contributed its own fall, 

To wait upon the public downfal : 

It was monastic, and did grow 

In holy orders by strict vow ; 

Of rule as sullen and severe, 

As that of rigid Cordeliere : ^^ 

'Twas bound to suffer persecution, 

And martyrdom, with resolution ; 

To' oppose itself against the hate 

And vengeance of the' incensed state, 

In whose defiance it Avas worn. 

Still ready to be puU'd and torn, 

With red-hot irons to be tortur'd, 

Revil'd, and spit upon, and martyr'd : 

Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast 

As long as Monarchy should last ; 

But when the state should hap to reel, 

'Twas to submit to fatal steel. 

And fall, as it was consecrate, 

A sacrifice to fall of state ; 

AVhose thread of life the Fatal Sisters 

Did twist together with its whiskei-s. 

And twine so close, that Time should never, 

In life or death, their fortunes sever, 

But with his rusty sickle mow 

Both down together at a blow. 

(26; A Grey Friar of the Franciscan order; so called 
from a cord full of knots worn about the waist. 



i.NTO I. HL'DIBRAS. 57 

So learn'd Taliacotius -" from 
he brawny part of porter's bum 
ut supplemental noses, which 
/"ould last as long as parent breech, 
ut when the date of Nock was out 
ff dropt the sympathetic snout. 

is back, or rather burthen, show'd 
s if it stoop'd with its own load : 
or as iEneas bore his sire 
pon his shoulders through the fire, 
ur Knight did bear no less a pack 
f his own buttocks on his back : 
Thick now had almost got the upper- 
and of his head for want of crupper : 
poise this equally, he bore 

paunch of the same bulk before, 
^hich still he had a special care 
o keep well-cramm'd with thrifty fare ; 
s white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, 
ach as a country-house affords ; 
''ith other victual, which anon 

e farther shall dilate upon, 
Hien of his hose we come to treat, 
he cupboard where he kept his meat. 

His doublet was of sturdy buif, 

nd though not sword, yet cudgel -proof, 

/"hereby 'twas fitter for his use, 

Hio fear'd no blows but such as bruise. 

(27) Gasper Taliacotius was born at Bononia, A.D. 1553, 
id was Professor of physic and surgery tliere. lie died 
99. His statue stands in the Anatomy theatre, holding 
nose in its liand. — He wrote a treatise in Latin called 
lirurgia Nota, in which he teaches the art of ingrafting 
>ses, ears, lips, &c. with the pi'oper instruments and 
ndages. 



28 HUDIBRAS. PART 

His Ijreeclies were of nigged woollen, 
And had been at the siege of Bologne ; 
To old King Harry so well known, 
Some writers held they were his own ; 
Through they were lin'd with many a piece 
Of ammunition hread and cheese, 
And fat Idack-puddiiigs, pro]>er food 
For warriors that delight in Idood ; 
For as we said, he alwa.ys cliose 
To carry victual in his hose, 
That often tempted rats and mice 
The ammunition to surprise ; 
And when he put a hand but in 
The one or t'other magazin. 
They stoutly on defence on't stood, 
And from the wounded foe drew blood. 
And till th' were storm'd and beaten out. 
Ne'er left the fortified redoubt : 
And though knights-errant, as some tliink, 
Of old did neither eat nor drink, 
Because when thorough deserts vast, 
And regions desolate, they past. 
Where belly-timber above ground, 
Or under, was not to be found, 
Unless they graz'd there's not one word 
Of their provision on record ; 
"Which made some confidently write, 
They had no stomachs but to fight. 
'Tis false ; for Arthur wore in hall 
Bound table like a farthingal, 
On which, with shirt pull'd out behind, 
And eke before, his good knights din'd ; 
Though 'twas no table some su]>pose. 
But a huge jjair of round trunk hose, 



CANTO I. HUDTBRAS. 29 

I In which he earned as much meat 

As he and all the knights could eat, 

When la3ang by their swords and trunolieons, 

They took their breakfasts, or their nnucheons. 

But let that pass at pi'esent, lest 

We should forget Avhere we digrest. 

As learned authors use, to whom 

We leave it, and to' the purpose come. 

His puissant sword unto his side. 
Near his undaunted heart, was tied. 
With basketdiilt that would hold broth, 
And serve for light and dinner both ; 
In it he melted lead for bullets 
To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets, 
To whom he bore so fell a grutch, 
He ne'er gave quarter to' any such. 
The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty. 
For want of fighting was grown rusty. 
And ate into itself, ibr lat^k 
(Jf some body to hew and hack ; 
Tlio peaceful scabbard, where it dwelt, 
The rancour of its age had felt ; 
For of the lower end two handful 
It had devoured, 'twas so manful. 
And so much scorn'd to lurk in case, 
As if it durst not show its face. 
In many desperate attempts 
Of warrants, exigents, contempts, 
It had appear'd with courage bolder 
Than Serjeant Bum invading shoulder : 
Oft had it ta'en possession, 
And prisoners too, or made them run. 

This sword a dagger had, his page 



^0 IIUDIBEAS, TAUT 

And therefore waited on him so, 
As dwarfs upon knights-errant do : 
It was a serviceable dudgeon, 
Either for fighting or for drudging : 
When it had stabb'd, or broke a head, 
It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread ; 
Toast cheese or bacon ; though it were 
To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care : 
Twould make clean shoes, and in the earth 
Set leeks and onions, and so forth : 
It liad been 'prentice to a brewer, "8 
Where this and more it did endure, 
But left the trade, as many more 
Have lately done on the same score. 

In the' holsters, at his saddle-bow, 
Two aged pistols he did stow, j 

Among the surplus of such meat 
As in his hose he could not get : 
These would inveigle rats with th' scent, 
To forage when the cocks were bent, 
And sometimes catch 'em with a snap, 
As cleverly as the' ablest trap : 
They were upon hard duty still, 
And every night stood centinel, 
To guard the magazine i' th' hose 
From two-legg'd and from four-legg'd foes. 

Thus clad and fortified. Sir Knight, 
From peaceful homo, set forth to fight. 
But first with nimble active force 
He got on the' outside of his horse ; 
For having but one stirrup tied 
To' his saddle on the further side, 

(2S) A banter on Oliver Cromwell, Colonel Pride, and 
others, of the party, who liad been cjoucerued in breweries. 



iM'O I. HUDIBRAS. 31 

': was so sliort, he' had much ado 

o reach it with his desperate toe ; 

■lit after many strains and heaves, 

[e got up to the saddle-eaves, 

'rom whence he vaulted into th' seat 

'/ith so much vigour, strength, and heat, 

'hat he had almost tumbled over 

Vith his own weight, but did recover, 

ly laying hold on tail and inane, 

^hicli ott he us'd instead of rein. 

But now we talk of mounting steed 
efore we further do proceed, 
t doth behove us to say something 
)f that which bore our valiant bumkin. 
he beast was sturdy, large, and tall, 
Vith mouth of meal, and eyes of wall ; 

would say eye, for he' had but one, 
ls most agree, though some say none. 
le Avas well stay'd, and in his gait 
*reserv'd a grave, majestic state ; 
Lt spur or switch no more he skipt 
)r mended pace, than Spaniard whipt ; 
Lud yet so fiery, he would bound 
Ls if he griev'd to touch the ground ; 
?hat Caesar's horse, who, as fame goes, 
lad corns upon his feet and toes, 
^^as not by half so tender hooft, 
■for trod upon the ground so soft ; 
hid as that beast would kneel and stoo]) 
Some write) to take his rider up ; 
>o Hudibras his ('tis M'ell known) 
A''<.)uld often do, to set him down. 
A^e shall not need to say what lack 
)f leather was upon his back ; 



OZ HUDIBEAS. PAI 

For that was liidden under pad, 

And breech of Knight gall'd full as bad : 

His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 

Like furrows he himself had plough'd : 

For underneath the skirt of paniiel, 

'Twixt every two there was a channel : > 

His draggling tail hung in the dirt, ' 

Which on his rider he would Hurt, 

Still as his tender side he prickt, 

"With arm'd heei, or with unariu'd, kickt ; 

For Hudibras wore but one spur. 

As wisely kno^ving, could he stir 

To active trot one side of 's horse. 

The other would not hang an arse. 

A Squire he had whose name was Ralph, ^^^ 
That in the' adventure went his half, 
Though writers, for more stately tone, 
Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one ; 
And when we can, with metre safe, 
We'll call him so ; if not, })lain Ralph ; 
(For rhyme the rudder is of verses. 
With which, like ships, they steer their courses) 
An equal stock of wit and valour 
He had laid in, by birth a tnilor. 
The mighty Tyrian queen, that gain'd 
With subtle shreds a tract of land, 
Hid leave it with a castle fair 
To his great ancestor, her heir ; 

(20) Sir Roger L' Estrange says, This famous S(iiiire was 
one Isaac; Robinson, a zealous butclier in Woorfiekls, wlio 
WIS always contriving some new querpocut in cinii-ch 
government : but, in a Key at the end of a burlusqui' jmcm 
ot Mr. Butlers, 1706, it is observed, 'That Hudibras's 
Squire was one Pemblc, a tailor, and one of the ConiniiLtee 
of Sequestrators.' 



i.NTO I. HUDIBRAS. 33 

rom him descended cross-leccK'd lv7iights, 
am'd for their faith and warlike fights 
gainst the bloody Cannibal, 
horn they destroy'd both great and small, 
hia sturdy Squire he had, as well 
s the bold Trojan Knight, seen hell, 
ot with a counterfeited pass 
f golden bough, but true gold-lace : 
is knowledge was not far beliind 
he Knight's, but of another kind, 
nd he another way came by 't ; 
nne call it Gifts, and some New-light ; 
liberal art, that costs no pains 
f study, industry, or brains, 
is Avit was sent him for a token, 
ut in the carriage crack'd and broken ; 
ike commendation nine-pence"^" crookt 
'ith — ' To and from my love ' — it lookt. 
e ne'er consider'd it, as loth 
3 look a gift-horse in the mouth, 
nd very wisely would lay forth 
more upon it than 'twas worth ; 
lit as he got it freely, so 
e spent it frank and freely too ; 
Dr saints themselves will sometimes be, 
f gifts that cost them nothing, free. 
Y means of this, with hem and cough, 
olongers to enlightened stulf, 

301 Until the yecar 1600, when all money, not niilletl, v\as 
lied ill, n iiiiiepenny piece of silver was as common as 
pences or shillings, and these ninepenees were usually 
nt as sixpences commonly are now, which bending was 
led 'To my love,' and ' From my love ; ' and such nine- 
ices the ordinary fellows gave or sent to their sweethearts 
tokens of love. 



34 HUDIBRAS. PxVRT 

He could deep mysteries unriddle, 

As easily as thread a needle : 

For as of vagabonds we say, 

That they are ne'er beside their way, 

"VVhate'er men speak by this new light, 

Still they are sure to be i' th' right. 

'Tis a dark-lanthorn of the Spirit, 

Which none see by but those that bear it ; 

A light that falls down from on high, 

For spiritual trades to cozen by ; 

An ignis fatuits, that bev/itches. 

And leads men into pools and ditches. 

To make them dip themselves 3i and sound 

For Christendom in dirty pond ; 

To dive, like wild-fowl, for salvation, 

And fish to catch regeneration. 

This light inspires and plays upon 

The nose of saint, like bag-pipe drone. 

And speaks, through hollow empty soul, 

As tlirough a trunk, or whispering hole, ■ 

Such language as no mortal ear 

But spiritual eaves-droppers can hear : 

So Phoebus, or some friendly Muse, 

Into small poets song infuse, 

Wliich they at second-hand rehearse, 

Through reed or bag- pipe, verse for verse. 

Thus Ralph became infallible 
As three or four-legg'd oracle, 
The ancient cup, or modern chair ; 
Spoke truth noint blank, though unaware. 

For mystic learning, wondrous able 
In magic, talisman, and cabal, 

(31) Alluding to Ralpho's religion, who was, probably, an 
Anabaptist or Dipper. 



JANTO I. HUDIBEAS. 35 

Whose primitive tradition reaches 

A.S far as Adam's first greeu breeches ; 

Deep-sighted in intelligences, 

[deas, atoms, influences ; 

Ajid much of Terra Incognita, 

The' intelligible world, could say* 

A. deep occult philosopher, 

A.S learn'd as the Wild Irish are, 

Dr Sir Agi-ippa, for profound 

^nd solid lying much renown'd ; 

He Anthroposophus, and Floud, 

ind Jacob Behmen, understood ; 

S^new many an amulet and charm, 

That would do neither good nor harm ; 

^n Eosycrucian lore as learned, 

is h<3 that Yere adeptus earned : 

3e understood the speech of birds 

is well as they themselves do words ; 

Jould tell what subtlest parrots mean, 

That speak and think contrary clean ; 

NliKt member 'tis of whom they talk 

A^hen they cry ' Rope,' and * Walk, knave, walk.' 

le'd extract numbers out of matter, 

Ind keep them in a glass, like water, 

)f sovereign pow'r to make men wise ; 

•"or dropt in blear thick-sighted eyes, 

they'd make them see in darkest night, 

jike owls, though purblind in the light. 

5y help of these (as he profest) 

le had First Matter seen undrest ; 

le took her naked, all alone, 

before one rag of form was on. 

'he Chaos, too, he had descry'd, 

md seen quite through, or else he ly'd ; 

D 



36 HDDIBRAS, TART I. 

Not that of pasteboard, whicli men sliew 

Tor groats, at fair of Barthol'mew ; 

But its great grandsire, first o' tli' name, 

"VVlience tliat and Reformation came, 

Both cousin-germans, and right able 

To' inveigle and draw in the rabble : 

But Reformation was, some say, 

0' th' younger house to Puppet-play. 

He could foreteP^ Whats'ever was 

By consequence to come to pass : 

As death of great men, alterations. 

Diseases, battles, inundations : 

All this mthout th' eclipse o' th' sun, 

Or dreadful comet, he hath done 

By inward light, a way as good, 

And easy to be understood : 

But Avith more lucky hit than those 

That use to make the stars depose. 

Like Knights o' th' Post, and falsely charge 

Upon themselves what others forge ; 

As if they were consenting to 

All mischiefs in the world men do : 

Or, like the devil, did tempt and sway 'em 

To rogueries, and then betray 'em. 

They'll search a planet's house, t-"» know 

"Who broke and robb'd a house below ; 

Examine Venus and the Moon, 

Who stole a thimble or a spoon ; 

And though they nothing will confess, 

Yet by their very looks can guess, 

And tell what guilty aspect bodes. 

Who stole, and who receiv'd the goods : 

(32) The rebellious clergy would in tlieir prayers pretend 
to foretel things, to encourage the people in tlieir rebellion. 



NTO I, HUDIBRAS. 37 

They'll question Mars, and, by his look, 

Detect who 'twas that nimm'd a cloke ; 

Make Mercury confess, and 'peach 

Those thieves which he himself did teach. 

They'll find, 1' th' physiognomies 

0' th' planets, all men's destinies ; 

Like him that took the doctor's bill, 

And swallow'd it instead o' th' pill. 

Cast the nativity o' th' question. 

And from positions to be guest on, 

As sure as if they knew the moment 

Of Native's birth, tell what will come on 't. 

They'll feel the pulses of the stars. 

To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs, 

And tell what crisis does divine 

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine ; 

In men, what gives or cures the itch, 

"What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich ; 

"What gains or loses, hangs or saves : 

"What makes men great, what fools or knaves : 

But not what wise, for only' of those 

The stars (they say) cannot dispose, 

No more than can the astrologians : 

There they say right, and like true Trojans. 

This Ealpho knew, and therefore took 

The other course, of which we spoke. 

Thus was the' accomplish'd Squire endued 
"With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd : 
Never did trusty squire with knight. 
Or knight with squire, e'er jump more right. 
Their arms and equipage did fit, 
As well as virtues, parts, and wit : 
Their valours, too, were of a rate. 
And out they sallied at the gate. 
d2 



38 HUDIBEAS. PART I. 

Few miles on horseTDack had they jogged 

But Fortune unto them turn'd dogged ; 

For they a sad adventure met, 

Of which anon we mean to treat : 

But ere we venture to unfold 

Achievements so resolv'd and bold, 

"We should, as learned poets use, 

Invoke the' assistance of some Muse, 

However critics count it sillier 

Than jugglers talking to familiar ; 

"We think 'tis no great matter which, 

They 're all alike, yet we shall pitch 

On one that fits our purpose most, 

"WTiom therefore thus do we accost. 
Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, 

Didst inspire Wither, Prynne, and Vicars, 
/ And force them, though it was in spite 
^ Of nature, and their stars, to write ; 

Who (as we find in sullen writs. 

And cross-grain'd works of modern wits) 

With vanity, opinion, want. 

The wonder of the ignorant. 

The praises of the author, penn'd 

By himself, or wit-insuring friend ; 

The itch of picture in the front. 

With bays and wicked rhyme upon 't, 

AU that is left o' th' forked hill 

To make men scribble without skill ; 

Canst make a poet, spite of Fate, 

And teach all people to translate, 

Though out of languages in which 

They understand no part of speech ; 

Assist me but this ouce, I implore, 

And I shaU trouble thee no more. 



3ANT0 I. HUDIBRAS, 39 

In western clime there is a town ^^ 
To those that dwell therein well known, 
, Therefore there needs no more be said here, 
We unto them refer our reader ; 
For brevity is very good, 
When we are, or are not understood. 
To this town people did repair 
On days of market or of fair, 
A.nd to crack'd fiddle and hoarse tabor, 
[n merrimen-t did drudge and labour : 
But now a sport more formidable 
Bad rak'd together village rabble ; 
Twas an old way of reereating. 
Which learned butchers call Bear-baiting ; 
k bold adventurous exercise, 
With ancient heroes in high prize ; 
For authors do affirm it came 
From Isthmian or Nemsean game ; 
Others derive it from the Bear 
Chat's fixed in northern hemisphere, 
^nd round about the pole does make 
k. circle, like a bear at stake, 
Chat at the chain's end wheels about, 
Ind overturns the rabble-rout : 
for after solemn proclamation ^4 
n the bear's name, (as is the fashion 
According to the law of arms, 
""o keep men from inglorious harms) 

(33) Brentford, which is six miles west from London, is 
ere probably meant, as may be gathered from Part II. 
lanto 3, where he tells the Knight what befel him there : 

And though you overcame the Bear, 
The dogs beat you at Brentford fair. 

(34) Alluding to the bull-running at Tutbury in Staflford- 
ture : where solemn proclamation was made by the Steward, 



40 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 

That none presume to come so near 

As forty foot of stake of bear, 

If any yet be so fool-hardy, 

To expose themselves to vain jeopardy, 

If they come wounded off, and lame, 

No honour's got by such a maim, 

Although the bear gain much, b'ing bound 

In hondur to make good his ground 

When he's engag'd, and takes no notice, 

If any press upon him, who 'tis. 

But let's them know, at their own cost, 

That he intends to keep his post. 

This to prevent, and other harms. 

Which always wait on feats of arms, 

(For in the hurry of a fray 

'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way) 

Thither the Knight his course did steer, 

To keep the peace 'twixt Dog and Bear, 

As he believ'd he' was bound to do 

In conscience and commission too ; 

And therefore thus bespoke the Squire : 

' 35 ■^Y'e that are wisely mounted higher 

Than constables ^^ in curule wit, 

before the bull was turned loose ; ' That all manner of 
persons give way to the bull, none being to come near him 
by forty foot, any way to hinder the minstrels, but to 
attend his or their own safety, every one at his peril.' Br, 
Flats Staffordshire. 

(35) This speech is set down, as it was delivered by tiro > 
Knight, in his own words : but since it is below the gravity > 
of Heroical poetry to admit of humour, but aU men are 
obliged to speak wisely alilve, and too much of so extrava- 
gant a folly would become tedious and impertinent, the 
rest of his harangues have only his sense expressed in other 
words, unless in some few places, where his own words 
could not be so well avoided. 

(36) Had that remarkable motion in the House of 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 41 

When on tribunal bench we sit, 

Like speciilators should foresee, 

From Pharos of authority, ^^ 

Portended mischiefs farther than 

Low Proletarian tything-men ; 

And therefore being inform'd by bruit ^8 

That Dog and Bear are to dispute, — 

For so of late men fighting name, 

Because they often prove the same, — 

(For where the first does hap to be, 

The last does coincidere) 

Quantum in nobis, have thought good 

To save the' expense of Christian blood, 

And try if we by mediation 

Of treaty and accomodation, 

Can end the quarrel, and compose 

The bloody duel without blows. 

Are not our liberties, our lives. 

The laws, religion, and our wives, 

Enough at once to lie at stake 

For Covenant and the Cause's sake ? 39 

But in that quarrel Dogs and Bears, 

As well as we, must venture theirs ? 

Commons taken place, the Constables might have vied with 
Sir Hudibras for an eqnality at least ; ' That it was neces- 
sary for the House of Commons to have a High Constable 
of their own, that will make no scruple of laying his 
Majesty by the heels : ' but they proceeded not so far as 
to name any body ; because Harry Martin (out of tender- 
ness of conscience in this particular) immediately quashed 
the motion, by saying, ' The power was too great for any 
man.' 

(37) Being, as one of the quorum, ^evated above the 
populace. 

(38) By truit.'] i.e. by popular repoi-t. 

(39) This was the Solemn League and Covenant, which 
was first framed and taken by the Scottish Parliament, and 



42 HUDIBEAS. PAET I. 

This feud, hy Jesuits invented, 
By evil counsel is fomented ; 
There is a Machiavelian plot, 
(Though every nare olfact is not) 
And deep design in't to divide 
The well-afFected that confi.de, 
By setting brother against brother, 
To claw and curry one another. 
Have we not enemies plus satis, 
That cane et angue pejus hate us ? 
And shall we turn our fangs and claws 
Upon our o"UTiselves, without cause ? 
That some occult design doth lie 
In bloody cynarctomachy,'*'' 
Is plain enough to him that knows 
How Saints lead Brothers by the nose. 

by them sent to the Pcarliament of England, in order to 
unite the two nations more closely in religion. It was 
received and taken by both Houses, and by the City of 
London ; and ordered to be read in all the churches through- 
out the kingdom ; and every person was bound to give his 
consent, by holding up his hand, at the reading of it. 

lb. Ca^ise's sake] Sir William Dugdale informs us that 
Mr. Bond, preaching at the Savoy, told his auditors from 
the pulpit, ' That they ought to contribute and pray, and 
do all they were able, to bring in their brethren of Scotland 
for settling of God's cause : I say (quoth he) this is God's 
cause ; and if oui- God hath any cause, this is it ; and if this 
be not God's cause, then God is no god for me ; but the 
Devil is got up into heaven.' Mr. Calamy, in his speech at 
Guildhall, 1643, says, ' I may truly say, as the Martyr did, 
that if I had as many lives as hairs on my head, I would bo 
willing to sacrifice all these lives in this cause.' See Loyal 
Songs, Vol. ii. No. 26. 
' They pluck'd do#n the King, the Church, and the Laws, 
To set up an idol, then nick-named The Cause. 
Like Bell and the Dragon to gorge their own maws. ' 
(40) A fight between dogs and bears. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 48 

I wish myself a pseudo prophet, 

But sure some mischief will come of it, 

Unless by providential wit, 

Or force, we averruncate *^ it. 

For what design, what interest. 

Can beast have to encounter beast ? 

They fight for no espoused Cause, 

Frail Privilege, fundamental Laws, 

Nor for a thorough Reforraatioii, 

Nor Covenant nor Protestation, 

Nor liberty of Consciences, ^^ 

Nor Lords and Commons Ordinances ; ^'^ 

Nor for the Church, nor for Church-lands, 

To get them in their own no -hands ; 

Nor evil Counsellors to bring 

To justice, that seduce the King ; 

Nor for the worship of us men. 

Though we have done as much for them. 

The' Egyptians worship'd dogs, and for 

Their faith made internecine war.^^ 

Others ador'd a rat, and some 

For that church suffer'd martyrdom. 

(41) Avemincate.'i To weed or root up, 

(42) Nor for free Liberty of Conscience.] Thus the two 
first editions read: the word free was left out in 1674 : and 
Warhurton thinks for the worse ; free liberty being a most 
beautiful and satirical periphrasis for licentiousness, which 

the idea the author here intended to give us. 

(43) The King being driven from the Parliament, no legal 
acts of Parliament could be made ; therefore when the 
Lords and Commons had agreed upon any bill, they 
published it, and required obedience to it, under the title 
of 'An Ordinance of Lords and Commons,' and sometimes, 

An Ordinance of Parliament.' 

(44) Ifiternedne war. ] A war of mutual destruction. 



44 HUDIBRAS. PA 

The Indians fouglit for the truth 
Of the' elephant and monkey's tooth ; 
And many to defend that faith, 
Fought it out mordicus ^s to death ; 
But no Least ever was so slight, 
For man, as for his God, to fight. 
They have more wit, alas ! and know 
Themselves and us better than so : 
But we, who only do infuse 
The rage in them like botde-feus, 
'Tis our example that instils 
In them the' infection of our ills. 
For, as some late philosophers 
Have well observ'd, beasts that converse 
"With man take after him, as hogs 
Get pigs all th' year, and bitches dogs. 
Just so, by our example, cattle 
Learn to give one another battle. 
"We read in Nero's time, the Heathen, 
When they destroy 'd the Christian brethren, 
They sew'd them in the skins of bears, 
And then set dogs about their ears ; 
From whence, no doubt, th' invention came 
Of this lewd antichristian game. ' 
To this, quoth Ealpho, ' Verily 
The point seems very plain to me ; 
It is an antichristian game. 
Unlawful both in thing and name. 
Fii'st, for the name ; the word Bear-baiting 
Is carnal, and of man's creating ; 
For certainly there's no such word 
In all the Scripture on record ; 

(45) Mordicits.] i. e. with their teeth. 



CANTO I. HTJDIBRAS. i5 

Therefore unlawful, and a sin ; 

And so is (secondly) The thing : 

A vile assembly 'tis, that can 

No more be prov'd by Scripture, than 

Provincial, Classic, National, 

Mere human creature-cobwebs all. 

Thirdly, It is Idolatrous ; 

For when men run a-whoring thus 

With their inventions, whatsoe'er 

The thing be, whether Dog or Bear, 

It is idolatrous and Pagan, 

No less than worshipping of^Dagan.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' I smell a rat ; 
Ealpho, thou dost prevaricate : 
For though the thesis which thou lay'st 
Be true ad amussim, as thou say'st ; 
(For that Bear-baiting should appear 
Jure divino lawfuller 
Than Synods are, thou dost deny 
Totidem verbis, so do I) 
Yet there's a fallacy in this ; 
For if by sly homcesis, 
Tussis pro crepitu, an art 
Under a cough to slur a f — t, 
Thou wouldst sophistically imply 
Both are unlawful I deny. ' 
• And I,' quoth Ealpho, ' do not doubt 
But Bear-baiting may be made out, 
In gospel -times, as lawful as is 
Provincial, or Parochial Classis ; 
And that both are so near of kin, 
And like in all, as well as sin. 
That put 'em in a bag, and shake 'em, 
YourseK o' th' sudden would mistake 'em. 



46 HUDIBRAS. PART 

And not know -v^icli is whicli, unless 

You measure by their wickedness ; 

For 'tis not hard to imagine whether 

0' th' two is worst, though I name neither,' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' Thou ofFer'st much, 
But art not able to keep touch. 
Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage, 
Id est, to make a leek a cabbage ; 
Thou wilt at best but suck a bull, 
Or shear swine, all cry and no wool ; 
For what can Synods have at all, 
With Bear that's analogical ? 
Or what relation has debating 
Of Church-affairs with Bear-baiting ? 
A just comparison still is 
Of things cjusdon generis: 
And then what genus rightly doth 
Include and comprehend them both. 
If animal, both of us may 
As justly pass for Bears as they ; 
For we are animals no less, 
Although of different specieses. 
But, Ralpho, this is no fit place. 
Nor time, to argue out the case : 
For now the field is not far off, 
"V\Tiere we must give the world a proof 
Of deeds, not words, and such as suit 
Another manner of dispute : 
A controversy that affords 
Actions for arguments, not words ; 
Which we must manage at a rate 
Of prowess' and conduct adequate ; 
To what our place and fam.c doth promise. 
And all the Godly expect from us. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 47 

Nor shall they be deceiv'd, unless 

We're slurr'd and outed by success ; 

Success, the mark no mortal wit, 

Or surest hand, can always hit : 

For whatsoe'er we perpetrate, 

"We do but row, w' are steer 'd by Fate, 

Which in success oft disinherits. 

For spurious causes, noblest merits. 

Great actions are not always true sons 

Of great and mighty resolutions ; 

Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth 

Events still equal to their worth ; 

But sometimes fail, and in their stead 

Fortune and cowardice succeed. 

Yet we have no great cause to doubt, 

Our actions still have borne us out ; 

Which though they're known to be so ample, 

We need not copy from example ; 

We're not the only person durst 

Attempt this province, nor the first. 

In northern clime a valorous knight 

Did whilom kill his Bear in fight. 

And wound a Fiddler : we have both 

Of these the objects of our wroth. 

And equal fame and glory from 

The' attempt, or victory to come, 

'Tis sung there is a valiant Mamaluke, 

In foreign land yclep'd — '*6 

To whom we have been oft compar'd 

For person, parts, address, and beard ; 

(46) The writers of the General Historical Dictionary, 
Vol. VI. p. 291, imagine, 'That the chasm here is to be 
filled with the words Sir Samuel Luke, because the line 
before it is of ten syllables, and the measure of the verse 
generally used in this Poem is of eight.' 



I 



4S HUDIBKAS. 1'^ 

Both equally reputed stout, 

And in the same cause both have fought ; 

He oft in such attempts as these 

Came off with gloiy and success : 

Nor will we fail in th' execution, 

For want of equal resolution. 

Honour is like a widow, won 

With hrisk attempt and putting on ; 

With ent'ring manfully, and urging, 

Not slow approaches, like a virgin. ' 

This said as erst the Phrygian Knight, 
So our's, with rusty steel did smite 
His Trojan horse, and just as much 
He mended pace upon the touch ; 
But from his empty stomach groan'd 
Just as that hollow beast did sound, 
And angry answer'd from behind. 
With brandish'd tail and blast of wind. 
So have I seen, with armed heel, 
A wight bestride a Common-weal, 
While still the moie he kick'd and spurr'd, 
The less the sullen jade has stirr'd. 



I 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART I. CANTO II. 




THE ARGUMENT. 

The catalogl^e and character 

Of the' enemies' best men of war, 

Whom, in a bold harangue, the Knight 

Defies, and challenges to fight : 

He' encounters Talgol, routs the Bear, 

And takes the Fiddler prisoner, 

Conveys him to inchanted castle. 

There shuts him fast in wooden Bastile. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PAKT I. CANTO II. 

Theee was an ancient sage philosopher 

That had read Alexander Ross over, 

And swore the world, as he conld prove, 

Was made of fighting and of love. 

Just so Romances are, for what else 

Is in them all but love and battles ? 

0' th' first of these we have no great matter 

To treat of, but a world o' th' latter. 

In which to do the injur'd right. 

We mean in what concerns just fight, 

Certes our authors are to blame, 

For to make some well-sounding name 

A pattern fit for modern knights 

To copy out in frays and fights, 

(Like those that a whole street do raze 

To build a palace in the place) 

They never care how many others 

They kill, without regard of mothers, 

Or wives, or children, so they can 

Make up some fierce, dead-doing man. 

Compos'd of many ingredient valours. 

Just like the manhood of nine tailors : v 

So a wild Tartar, when he spies 

A man that's handsome, valiant, wise, 

If he can kill him, thinks to inherit 

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ; 

As if just so much he enjoy'd. 

As in another is destroy'd : 



62 HUDIBRAS. PAKT I. 

For when a giant's slain in figlit, 

And mow'd o'erthwart, or cleft downright, 

It is a heavy case, no doubt, 

A man should have his brains beat out, 

Because he's tall, and has large bones ; 

As men kill beavers for their stones. 

But as for our part, we shall tell 

The naked truth of what befel, 

And as an equal friend to both 

The Knight and Bear, but more to troth, 

With neither faction shall take part, 

But give to each his due desert. 

And never coin a formal lie on't, 

To make the knight o'ercome the giant. 

This b'ing j)rofest, we've hopes enough. 

And now go on where we left off". 

They rode, but authors having not 
Determin'd whether pace or trot, 
(That is to say, whether toUutation, 
As they do term 't or succussation i) 
We leave it, and go on, as now 
Suppose they did, no matter how ; 
Yet some, from subtle hints, have got 
Mysterious light it was a trot : 
But let that pass ; they now begun 
To spur their living engines on : 
For as whipp'd tops and bandy'd balls, 
The learned hold, are animals ; 
So horses they affirm to be 
Mere engines made by Geometry, 
And were invented first from engines. 
As Indian Bramins were from Penguins. 

(1) ToUutation and succussation are terms used here for 
aflibling and trotting. 



CANTO 11. HUDIBllAS. 58 

So let tliem be, and, as I was saying, 
They their live engines ply'cl, not staying 
Until they reach'd the fatal champain 
Which the' enemy did then encamp on ; 
The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle 
"Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant cattle, 
And fierce auxiliary men, 
That came to aid their brethren ; 
Who now began to take the field. 
As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. 
For as our modern wits behold, 
Mounted a pick-back on the old. 
Much further off, much further he, 
Rais'd on his aged beast, could see ; 
Yet not sufficient to descry 
All postures of the enemy : 
Wherefore he bids the Squire ride further, 
To' observe their numbers and their order, 
That when their motions he had known, 
He might know how to fit his own. 
Meanwhile he stopp'd his willing steed, 
To fit himself for martial deed : 
Both kinds of metal he prepar'd, 
Either to give blows or to ward ; 
Courage and steel, both of great force, 
Prepar'd for better, or for worse. 
His death-charg'd pistols he did fit well, 
Drawn out from life-preserving victual. 
These being prim'd, with force he labour'd 
To free's sword from retentive scabbard ; 
ind after many a painful pluck, 
From rusty durance he bail'd tuck : 
Dhen shook himself, to see that prowess 
"n scabbard of his arms sat loose ; 

F 



54 HUDIBRAS. PART 1, 

And, rais'd upon liis desperate foot, 

On stirrup-side lie gaz'd about, 

Portending blood, like blazing star, 

The beacon of approacliiiag war. 

Ealplio rode on with no less speed 

Than Hugo in the forest did 2 ; 

But far more in returning made ; 

For now the foe he had survey'd, 

Eang'd, as to him they did appear, 

With van, main-battle, wings and rear. 

I' th' head of all this warlike rabble, 

Crowdero ^ march'd, expert and able. 

Instead of trumpet and of drum, 

That makes the warrior's stomach come, 

"Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer, 

By thunder turn'd to vinegar, 

(For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat, 

Who has not a month's mind to combat ?) 

A squeaking engine he applied 

Fnto his neck, on north-east side, 

Just where the hangman does dispose, 

To special friends, the knot of noose : 

For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight 

Dispatch a friend, let others wait. 

His warp'd ear hung o'er the strings, 

Which was but souse to chitterlings : 

(2) Thus altered in the edition of 1674. 
The Squire advanc'd with greater speed 
Than could b' expected from his steed. 

For Hugo, see Davenant's Gondibert. 

(3) So called, from crowd, a fiddle. This was one Jack- 
son, a milliner, who lived in the New Exchange in the 
Strand. He had formerly been iu the service of the 
Roundheads, and had lost a leg in it ; this brought him to 
decay, so that he was obliged to sci-ape upon a fiddle, from 
one alehouse to another, for his bread. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 55 

For guts, some write, ere they are sodden, 

Are tit for music or for pudding ; 

From whence men borroAV every kind 

Of minstrelsy by string or wind. 

His grisly beard was long and thick, 

With which he strung his fiddlestick ; 

For he to horse-tail scorn'd to owe 

For what on his own chin did grow. 

Chiron, the four-legg'd bard, had both 

A beard and tail of his own growth ; 

And yet by authors 'tis averr'd, 

He made use only of his beard. 

In Sta£fordshire, where vii'tuous worth 

Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth, 

Where bulls do choose the boldest king 

And ruler, o'er the men of string, 

(As once in Persia, 'tis said, 

Kings were proclaim'd by a horse that neigh'd) 

He, bravely vent'ring at a crown. 

By chance of war was beaten down. 

And wounded sore : his leg then broke, 

Had got a deputy of oak ; 

For when a shin in fight is crept. 

The knee with one of timber's propt, 

Esteem'd more honourable than the other. 

And takes place, though the younger brother. 

Next march'd brave Orsin,^ famous for 
Wise conduct, and success in war ; 
A skilful leader, stout, severe, 
Now Marshal to the champion Bear. 



(4) Orsin.] Joslma Gosling, who kept bears at Paris- 
garden in Southwark : lie stood hard and fast for the 
Kump Parhament. 

e2 



56 HUDIBEAS. PART I. 

With, truncheon tipp'd with iron head, 

The warrior to the lists he led ; 

With solemn march, and stately pace, 

But far more grave and solemn face ; 

Grave as the Emperor of Pegu, 

Or Spanish potentate, Don Diego. 

This leader was of knowledge great, 

Either for charge or for retreat : 

He knew when to fall on pell-mell. 

To fall back and retreat as well. 

So lawyers, lest the Bear defendant, 

And plaintiff Dog, should make an end on't, 

Do stave and tail with Writs of Error, 

Eeverse of Judgment, and Demurrer, 

To let them breathe awhile, and then 

Cry AVlioop, and set them on again. 

As.Komulus a wolf did rear, 

So he was dry-nui's'd by a bear, 

That fed him with the purchas'd prey 

Of many a fierce and bloody fray ; 

Bred up, where discipline most rare is, 

In military garden- Paris : 

For soldiers, heretofore, did grow 

In gardens just as weeds do now. 

Unto, some splay-foot politicians 

To' Apollo offer'd up petitions 

For licensing a new invention 

They 'ad found out of an antique engine. 

To root out all the weeds, that grow 

In public gardens, at a blow, 

And leave th' herbs standing : — Quoth Sir Sun, 

' My friends, that is not to be done. ' — 

* Not done ! ' quoth Statesmen; ' Yes, an't please ye, 

When 'tis once known you'll say 'tis easy. ' 



CANTO II. HIJDIBEAS. 67 

* Why then let's know it,' quofh Apollo : — 

* "We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow. ' 

* A drum ! (quoth Phcebus) Troth that's true, 
A pretty' invention, quaint and new : 

But though of voice and instrument 

"We are the' undoubted president, 

We such loud music do not profess, 

The Devil is master of that office, 

"Where it must pass ; if't be a drum, 

He'll sign it with Cler. Pari. Dom. Com. ;^ 

To him apply yourselves, and he 

"Will soon dispatch you for his fee.' 

They did so, but it proved so ill, 

They 'ad better let 'em grow there still. — 

But to resume what we discoursing 

"Were on before, that is, stout Orsin ; 

That vhich so oft by sundry writers 

Has been applied to almost all fighters. 

More justly may be' ascrib'd to this 

Than any other warrior, {viz.) 

None ever acted both j)arts bolder, 

Both of a chieftain and a soldier. 

He was of great descent, and high 

For splendour and antiquity, 

And from celestial origine 

Deriv'd himself in a right line ; 

Not as the ancient heroes did, 

"Who, that their base-births might be hid, 

(Knowing they were of doubtful gender, 

And that they came in at a window) 

(5) The House of Commons, even before the Eump had 
murdered the King, and expelled the House of Lords, 
usurped many branches of the Royal prerogative, and par- 
ticularly this for granting licences for new inventions. 



58 HUDIBRAS. PART f 

Made Jupiter liimself, and others 

0' til' gods, gallants to their own mothers, 

To get on them a race of champions, 

(Of which old Homer first made lampoons) 

Arctophylax,6 in northern sphere, 

Was his undoubted ancestor ; 

From him his great forefathers came, 

And in all ages bore his name : 

Learn'd he was in med'cinal lore, 

For by his side a pouch he wore, 

Eeplete with strange hermetic powder. 

That wounds nine miles point-blank would solder ; 

By skilful chemist, with great cost. 

Extracted from a rotten post ; 

But of a heav'nlier influence 

Than that which mountebanks dispense ; 

Though by Promethean fire made, 

As they do quack that drive that trade. 

For as when slovens do amiss 

At others' doors, by stool or p — s, 

The learned write, ^ a red-hot spit 

B'ing prudently apply 'd to it, 

"Will convey mischief from the dung 

Unto the part that did the wrong ; 

So this did healing, and as sure 

As that did mischief, this would cure. 

Thus virtuous Orsin was endued 
With learning, conduct, fortitude 
Incomparable ; and as the prince 
Of poets, Homer, sung long since, 



(6) A star near Ursa Major, called Bootes. 

(7) A banter upon Sir Kenelm Digby's discourse concern- 
ing the cure of wounds by sympathy. 



CANTO II. HIJDIBEAS. 59 

A skilM leech is better far ^ 
Than half a hundred men of war ; 
So he appear'd, and by his skill, 
No less than dint of sword, could kill. 

The gallant Bruin march 'd next him, 
With visage formidably grim, 
And rugged as a Saracen, 
Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin, 
Clad in a mantle de la guerre 
Of rough impenetrable fur ; 
And in his nose, like Indian king. 
He wore, for ornament, a ring ; 
About his neck a threefold gorget, 
As rough as trebled leathern target ; 
Armed, as heralds cant, and langued, 
Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged : 
For as the teeth in beasts of prey 
Are swords, with which they fight in fray. 
So swords, in men of war, are teeth 
"Which they do eat their victual with. 
He was by birth, some authors write, 
A Russian, some a Muscovite, 
And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred, 
Of whom we m Diurnals read. 
That serve to fill up pages here, 
As with their bodies ditches there. 
Scrimansky was his cousin-german. 
With whom he serv'd, and fed on vermin ; 
And when these fail'd he'd suck his claws, 
And quarter himself upon his paws : 

(8) 'A wise physician skill' d our wounds to heal, 
Is more than armies to the public weal. 

pope's homer. 



60 HrDIBRAS. PART 

And thougli liis countrymen, tlie Huns, 
Did stew their meat between tlieir bums 
And the' horses backs o'er which they straddle, 
And every man ate up his saddle ; 
He was not half so nice as they, 
But ate it raw when 't came in's way. 
He 'ad trac'd the countries far and near, 
More than Le Blanc, the travellei-. 
Who writes, ho spous'd in India, 
Of noble house, a lady gay, 
And got on her a race of worthies 
As stout as any upon earth is. 
Full many a fight for him between 
" Talgol and Orsin oft had been, 
Each striving to deserve the crown 
Of a sav'd citizen ; the one 
To guard his Bear, the other fought 
To aid his Dog ; both made more stout 
By several spurs of neighbourhood. 
Church-fellow-membership, and blood ; 
But Talgol, mortal foe to cows, 
Never got aught of him but blows ; 
Blows hard and heavy, such as he 
Had lent, repaid with usury. 

Yet Talgol 9 was of courage stout. 
And vanquish'd oft'ner than he fought ; 
Inur'd to labour, sweat, and toil, 
And, like a champion, shone with oil : 
Bight many a widow his keen blade, 
And many fatherless, had made ; 



(9) Talgol] A butcher in Newgate-market, who after- 
wards obtained a captain's commission for his rebellious 
bravery at Naseby. 



CANTO II. HUDIBEAS. 61 

He many a boar and huge dun-cow 

Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow ; 

But Guy with him in fight compar'd, 

Had like the boar or dun-cow far'd : 

"With greater troops of sheep he had fought 

Than Ajax, or bold Don Quixote ; 

And many a serpent of fell kind, 

"With wings before and stings behind, 

Subdued ; as poets say, long agone, 

Bold Sir George, Saint George, did the Dragon. 

Nor engine, nor device polemic, 

Disease, nor doctor epidemic. 

Though stor'd with deletery med'cines, 

(Which whosoever took is dead since) 

E'er sent so vast a colony 

To both the under- worlds as he ; 

For he was of that noble trade 

That demigods and heroes made. 

Slaughter, and knocking on the head, 

The trade to which they all were bred ; 

And is, like others, glorious when 

'Tis great and large, but base, if mean ; 

The former rides in triumph for it, 

The latter in a two-wheel'd chariot, 

For daring to profane a thing 

So sacred, with vile bungling. 

Next these the brave Magnano^" came 
Magnano, gi-eat in martial feme ; 
Yet when with Orsin he wag'd fight, 
'Tis sung he got but little by't : 

(10) Magnano.'] Simeon Wait, a tinker, as famous an 
Independent preacher as Burroughs ; who, with equal 
blasphemy, would style Oliver Cromwell the Archangel 
giving battle to the De^il. 



62 HUDIBRAS, PART I. 

Yet he was fierce as forest-boar, 

"Whose spoils upon his hack he wore, 

As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield, 

"Which o'er his brazen arms he held ; 

But brass was feeble to resist 

The fury of his armed fist ; 

Nor could the hardest iron hold out 

Against his blows, but they would through't. 

In magic he was deeply read. 
As he^^ that made the brazen-head ; 
Profoundly skill'd in the black art, 
As English Merlin for his heart ; 
But far more skilful in the spheres. 
Than he was at the sieve and shears. 
He could transform himself in colour, 
As like the devil as a collier ; 
As like as hypocrites, in show, 
Are to true saints, or crow to crow. 

Of warlike engines he was author, 
De\ds'd for quick dispatch of slaughter : 
The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, 
He was the' inventor of, and maker : 
The trumpet and the kettle-drum 
Did both from his invention come. 
He was the first that e'er did teach 
To make, and how to stop a breach. 
A lance he bore mth iron pike, 
Th' one half would thrust, the other strike ; 
And when their forces he had join'd. 
He scorn'd to turn his parts behind. 

He Trullai2 lov'd, Trulla, more bright 
Than burnish'd armour of her^knight ; 

(11) He.] Friar Bacon. 

'12) Trulla.] The daughter of James Spencer : so called, 






JANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 63 

L bold virago, stout and tall, 
.s Joan of France, or English Moll ;i3 
I'hrougli perils botli of wind and limb, 
i'hrough thick and thin she foUow'd him 
!q every adventure h' undertook, 
lUd never him or it forsook : 
Lt breach of wall, or hedge surprise, 
I he shar'd i' th' hazard and the prize ; 
i.t beating quarters up, or forage, 
|lehav'd herself with matchless courage, 
nd laid about in fight more busily 
han the' Amazonian Dame Penthesile. 
nd though some critics here cry shame, 
nd say our authors are to blame, 
hat (spite of all philosophers, 
»''ho hold no females stout, but bears ; 
nd heretofore did so abhor 
hat women should pretend to war, 
hey would not suffer the stout 'st dame 
swear by Hercules 's name) 
ake feeble ladies, in their works, 
fight like termagants and Turks ; 
lay their native arms aside, 
heir modesty, and ride astride ; 
run a-tilt at men, and wield 
lieir naked tools in open field ; 



cause the tinker's wife or mistress was commonly called 
5 trull. 

(13) Alluding, probably, to Mary Carleton, called Kentish 
oil, but more commonly Tlie German Princess ; a person 
torious at the time this First Part of Hudibras was pub- 
hed. She was transported to Jamaica, 1671 ; but re- 
vniiig from transportation too soon, she was hanged at 
burn, Jan. 22, 1673. 



64 nUDIBRAS. ^^^^ 

As stout Armida, bold Thalestris, ^ m 

And she that would liave beeu the mistress 

Of Gundibert, but he had gi-ace, 

And rather took a country lass : 

They say 'tis false without" all sense, 

But of pernicious consequence 

To government, which they suppose 

Can never be upheld in prose ; I 

Strip Nature naked to the skin, 

You'll find about her no such thing. 

It may be so, yet what we tell 

Of Trulla, that's improbable, 

Shall be depos'd by those have seen't. 

Or, what's as good, produced in print ; 

And if they will not take our word, 

"We'll prove it true upon record. 

The upright Cerdon^^ next advanc't, 
Of all his race the valiant's : 
Cordon the Great, renown'd in song, 
Like Herc'les, for repair of wrong : 
He rais'd the low, and fortified 
The weak against the strongest side : 
111 has he read, that never hit 
On him in Muses' deathless wiit. 
He had a weapon keen and fierce, 
That through a bull-hide shield would pierce, 
And cut it in a thousand pieces, 
Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his, 
"With whom his black-thmnb'd ancestor 
"Was comrade in the ten years' war : 

(14) Cerdon."] A one-eyed cobbler, like his brother Colonel 
Hewson : his chief talent lay in preaching. 



ANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 65 

'or when the restless Greeks sat down 

many years before Troy town, 

md were renowo'd, as Homer writes, 

'or well-sol'd boots no less than fights, 

'hey ow'd that glory only to 

lis ancestor, that made them so. 

'ast friend he was to Reformation, 

Jntil 'twas worn quite out of fashion ; 

^'ext rectifier of wry law, 

ind would make three to cure one flaw. 

isarned he was, and could take note, 

'ranscribe, collect, translate, and quote : 

Jut preaching was his chiefest talent, ^^ 

>r argument, in which b'ing valiant, 

le us'd to lay about and stickle, 

iike ram or bull at Conventicle : 

'or disputants, like rams and bulls, 

)o fight with arms that spring from sculls. 

(15) Mechanics of all sorts were then Preachers, and some 
f them much followed and admired by the mob. ' I am to 
ill thee, Christian Reader, (says Dr. Featley, in a preface 
) his Dipper dipp'd, 1647,) This new year of new changes, 
ever heard of in former ages, namely, of stables turned into 
imples, and, I will beg leave to add, temples turned into 
cables (as was that of St. Paul's, and many more), stalls 
ito quires, shopboards into communion-tables, tubs into 
ulpits, aprons into linen ephods, and mechanics of the 
iwest rank into priests of the high places.— I wonder that 
ar door-posts and walls sweat not, upon which such notes 
5 these have been lately affixed; on such a day, such a 
rewefs clerk exerciseth ; such a tailor expoundeth ; such 
waterman teacheth.— If cooks, instead of mincing their 
leat, fall upon dividing of the Word ; if tailors leap up 
■om the shopboard into the pulpit, and jjatch up sermons 
ut of stolen shreds ; if not only of the lowest of the people, 
3 in Jeroboam's time, priests are consecrated to the Most 
[igh God— Do we marvel to see such confusion in the 
hurcL as there is ' 



6Q HUDIBEAS. Pj 

Last Colon ^6 came, bold man of war, 
Destined to blows by fatal star ; 
Eight expert in command of horse, 
But cruel, and without remorse. 
That which of Centaur long ago 
"Was said, and has been wi'ested to 
Some other knights, was true of this, 
' He and his horse were of a piece ; 
One spirit did inform them both. 
The self-§ame vigour, fury, -wroth ; 
Yet he was much the rougher part, 
And always had a harder heart, 
Although his horse had been of those 
That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes : 
Strange food for horse ! and, yet, alas ! 
It may be true, for flesh is grass. 
Sturdy he was, and no less able 
Than Hercules to clean a stable ; 
As great a drover, and as great 
A critic too, in dog or neat. 
He ripp'd the womb up of his mother. 
Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother. 
And provender, wherewith to feed 
Himself and his less cruel steed. 
It was a question whether he 
Or's horse were of a family 
More worshipful ; 'till antiquaries 
(After they 'ad almost por'd out their eyes) 
Did very learnedly decide 
The business ou the horse's side ; 
And prov'd not only horse, but cows, 
Nay pigs, were of the elder house : 

(16) Cdon.] Ned Perry, an hoatler. 



s^TO II. HUDIBRAS. 67 

Jov beasts, when man was but a piece 
Df earth himself, did th' earth possess. 

These worthies were the chief that led 
Che combatants, each in the head 
)f his command, with arms and rage 
ieady, and longing to engage. 
The numerous rabble was drawn out 
)f several counties round about, 
horn, villages remote, and shires, 
)f east and western hemispheres, 
^'rom foreign parishes and regions, 
)f different manners, speech, religions, 
]ame men and mastiffs ; some to fight 
^OT fame and honour, some for sight, 
Vnd now the field of death, the lists, 
>Vere enter'd by antagonists, 
^nd blood was ready to be broach'd, 
^hen Hudibras in haste approach 'd, 
tVith Squire and weapons to attack 'em ; 
But first thus from his horse bespake 'em : — 

' "What rage, Citizens ! what fury 
Doth you to these dire actions hurry ? 
iVhat oestrum, what phrenetic mood 
!tlakes you thus lavish of your blood, ^ 

ATiile the proud Vies ^'' your trophies boast 
Vnd unreveng'd walks Waller's is ghost ? 
iVhat towns, what garrisons might you, 
A^ith hazard of this blood, subdue, 
kVhich now y' are bent to throw away 
n vain untriumphable fray ? 

(17) Vies.'\ De Vies. 

(18) Waller.] Sir W. Waller. 



68 HUDIBRAS. PAKT I. 

Shall saints iu civil bloodshed wallow 

Of saints, ^^ and let the Cause lie fallow ? 

The Cause, for which we fought and swore 

So boldly, shall we now give o'er ? 

Then because quarrels still are seen . 

With oaths and swearings to begin, 

The Solemn League and Covenant 

"Will seem a mere God-dam-me-rant ; 

And we that took it, and have fought, 

As lewd as drunkards that fall out : 

For as we make war for the King-'' 

Against himself, the self-same thing, 

Some will not stick to swear, we do 

For God and for Religion too ; 

For if Bear-baiting we allow, 

What good can Eeformation do ? 

The blood and treasure that's laid out 

Is thrown away, and goes for nought. 

Are these the fruits o' 'th' Protestation, 

The prototype of Reformation, 

Which all the saints, and some, since martyrs. 

Wore in their hats like wedding-garters, 

(19) Mr. Walker observes, ' That all the cheating, covet- 
ous, ambitious persons of the land, were united together 
under the title of the Godly, the Saints, and shared the fat 
of the land between them ;' and he calls them ' the Saints 
who were canonized no where but in. the Devil's Calendar.' 
— Hist, of Independency. 

(20) The Presbyterians, in all their wars against the King, 
maintained stiU, that they fought for him; for they pre- 
tended to distinguish his political person from his natural 
one; 'His political person (they said), must be, and was, 
with the Parliament, though his natural person was at war 
with them.' 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 69 

When 'twas resolv'd by either House 
Six Members' quarrel to espouse ? 
Did they, for this, draw down the rabble, 
With zeal and noises formidable, 
And make all cries about the Town 
Join throats to cry the Bishops down ? ^^ 
Who having round begirt the palace, 
(As once a month they do the gallows) 
As Members gave the sign about, 
Set up their throats with hideous shout. 
When tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle 
Church-Discipline, for patching kettle ; 
No sow-gelder did blow his horn 
To geld a cat, but cried ' Eeform ; ' 
The oyster-women lock'd their fish up. 
And trudg'd away, to cry ' No Bishop ; ' 
The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by, 
And 'gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry ; 
Botcher's left old clothes in the lurch, 
And fell to turn and patch the Church ; 
Some cried the Covenant, instead 
Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread ; 
And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, 
Bawl'd out to purge the Common-House : 
[nstead of kitchen-stuff, some cry 
A Gospel-preaching Ministry ; 
A.nd some for old suits, coats, or cloak, 
No Surplices nor Service-book : 



(21) 'Good. Lord ! (says the True Reformer, p. 12), what 
I deal of dirt was thrown in the Bishop's faces ! — what in- 
amous ballads were sung ! what a thick cloud ofiepidemieal 
latred hung suddenly over thern ! so far, that a dog with a 
)lack and white face was called a Bishop.' 

VOL. I. F 



70 HUDIBEAS. JART I. 

A strange liarmonions inclination 

Of all degrees to Reformation. ^^ 

And is this all ? Is tliis the end 

To which these Carr'ings on did tend ? 

Hath Pnblic Faith, like a yoiing heir, 

For this ta'en np all sorts of ware, 

And run int' every tradesman's book, 

Till both turn'd bankrupts, and are broke ? 

Did saints for this bring in their plate, 

And crowd as if they came too late ? 

For, when they thought the Cause had need on't, 

Happy was he that cou'd be rid on't. 

Did they coin p— s-pots, bowls, and flaggons, 

Int' officers of horse and dragoons ? 

And into pikes and musqueteers 

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers ? 

A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, 

Did start up living men, as soon 

As in the furnace they were thrown, 

Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown. 

Then was the Cause of gold and plate. 

The Brethren's offerings, consecrate, 

like th' Hebrew calf, and dovni before it 

The Saints fell prostrate, to adore it : 

So say the Wicked — and will you 

Make that sarcasmus scandal true, 

By running after Dogs and Bears, 

Beasts more unclean than calves or steers ? 



(22) Those flights which seem most extravagant in our 
Poet, were really excelled by matter oC fact. The Scots (in 
their Large Declaration, 1637), begin their petition against; 
the Common Prayer-book thus:— 'We men, women, and', 
children, and servants, having considered, &c.' — FouWs 
Hint, of Wicked Plots. 



CANTO II. IIUDIBRAS. 71 

Have powerful Preacliers plied their tongues, 
And laid themselves out, and their lungs ; 
Us'd all means, both direct and sinister, 
I' th' pow'r of Gospel-preaching Minister ? 
Have they invented tones to win 
The women, and make them draw in 
The men, as Indians with a female 
Tame elephant inveigle the male ? 
Have they told Providence what it must do, 
Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to ? 
Discover'd th' Enemy's design, 
And which way best to countermine ? 
Prescrib'd what ways it hath to work, 
Or it will ne'er advance the Kirk ? 
Told it the news o' th' last express, 
And after good or bad success 
Made prayers, not so like petitions 
As overtures and propositions, 
(Such as the Army did present 
To their Creator, the Parl'ament) 
In which they freely will confess, 
They will not, cannot acquiesce, 
Unless the work be carry'd on 
In the same way they have begun, 
By setting Church and Common-weal 
All on a flame, bright as their zeal, 
On which the Saints were all a-gog 
And aU. this for a Bear and Dog ? 
The Parl'ament drew up petitions 
j'To' itself, and sent them, like commissions, 
To well-afi'ected j)ersons, down 
In every city and great town, 
With pow'r to levy horse and men. 
Only to bring them back again ? 
f2 



72 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 

For this did many, many a mile, 

Ride manfully in rank and file, 

"With papers in their hats, that show'd 

As if they to the pillory rode ? 

Have all these courses, these efforts, 

Been tried by people of all sorts, 

Velis et remis, omnibus nervis, 

And all to' advance the Cause's service, 

And shall all now he thrown away 

In petulent intestine fray ? 

Shall we, that in the Covenant swore 

Each man of us to run before 

Another, still in Reformation 

Give Dogs and Bears a dispensation ? 

How will Dissenting Brethren relish it ? 

"What will malign ants say ? Videlicet, 

That each man swore to do his best 

To damn and perjure all the rest ? 

And bid the Devil take the hin'most 

"Which at this race is like to win most. 

They'll say our business, to Reform 

The Church and State, is but a worm ; 

For to subscribe, unsight, unseen. 

To an unknown Church discipline, 

Wliat is it else, but before-hand 

To' engage, and after understand ? 

For when we swore to carry on 

The present Reformation, 

According to the purest mode 

Of churches best reform'd abroad, 

"What did we else but make a vow 

To do we know not what, nor how ? 

For no three of us will agree 

"Where, or what churches these should be ? 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 73 

And is indeed the self-same case 

"With theirs that swore et cceteras ; 

Or the French League, -^ in which men vow'd 

To fight to the last di'op of blood. 

These slanders will be thrown upon 

The Cause and Work we carry on, 

If we permit men to run headlong 

To' exorbitances fit for Bedlam, 

Rather than Gospel-walking times, 

When slightest sins are greatest crimes. 

But we the matter so shall handle, 

As to remove that odious scandal : 

In name of King and Parl'ament, 

I charge ye all, no more foment 

This feud, but keep the peace between 

Your brethren and your countrymen, 

And to those places straight repair 

Where your respective dwellings are. 

But to that purpose first surrender 

The Fiddler, as the prime offender. 

Th' incendiary vile, that is chief 

Author and engineer of mischief ; 

That makes division between friends, 

For profane and malignant ends. 

(23) The Holy League in France, designed and made for 
the extii-pation of the Protestant religion, was the original 
out of which the Solemn League and Covenant here was 
(■svith difference only of circumstances) most faithfully 
transcribed. Nor did the success of both differ more 
than the intent and purpose ; for, after the destruction 
of vast numbers of people of all sorts, both ended with 
the murder of two kings, whom they had both sworn to 
defend. And as our Covenanters swore every man to 
rim one before another in the way of Reformation, so did 
the French, in the Holy League, to fight to the last drop 
of blood. 



74 HUDIBRAS. PAllT 1. 

He and that engine of vile noise, ^^ 
On which illegally he plays, 
Shall {dictum factum) both be brought 
To condign pun'shment, as they ought. 
This must be done, and I would fain see 
Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay ; 
For then I'll take another course. 
And soon reduce you all by force, ' — 
This said, he clapt his hand on sword, 
To show he meant to keep his word. 

But Talgol,25 who had long supprest 
Inflamed wrath in glowing breast, 
"Which now began to rage and burn as 
Implacably as flame in furnace. 
Thus answer'd him : ' Thou vermin wretched, 
As e'er in measled pork was hatched ; 

(24) The threatening punishment to the Fiddle, was much 
like the threats of the pragmatical troopers to punish 
Ralph Dobbin's waggon, I'laiyi Dealer, vol. I. ' I was 
driving (says he) into a town upon the 29th of May, where 
my waggon was to dine : there came up in a great rage 
seven or eight of the troopers that were quartered there, 
and asked "What I bushed out my horses for?" I told them, 
"To drive flies away," But they said, I was a Jacobite 
rascal, that my horses were guilty of high treason, and my 
waggon ought to be hanged. — I answered, " It was already 
drawn, and within a yard or two of being quartered : but 
as to being hanged, it was a compliment we had no 
occasion for, and therefore desired them to take it back 
again, and keep it in their own hands, tiU they had an 
opj)ortunity to make use of it." — I had no sooner spoke 
these words, but they fell upon me like thunder, stript my 
cattle in a twinkling, and beat me black and blue with my 
own oak-branches. ' 

(25) It may be asked, why Talgol was the first in 
answering the Knight, when it seems more incumbent upon 
the Bearward to make a defence ? Probably Talgol might 
then be a Cavalier ; for the character the Poet has given 
doth not infer the contrary ; and his answer carries strong 
indications to justify the corgectui-e. 



CANTO II. nUDIBRAS. 75 

Thou tail of Worsliip, that dost grow 

On rump of justice as of cow ; 

How dar'st thou with that sullen luggage 

0' th' self, old iron, and other baggage, 

With which thy steed of bones and leather 

Has broke his wind in halting hither ; 

How durst th', I say, adventure thus 

To' ojDpose thy lumber against us ? 

Could thine impertinence find out 

No work to' employ itself about. 

Where thou, secure from wooden blow, 

Thy busy vanity might show ? 

AVas no dispute a-foot between 

The caterwauling Brethren ? 

No subtle question rais'd among 

Those out-o'-their-wits, and those i' th' wrong ? 

No prize between those combatants 

0' th' times, the land and water-saints, 

"Where thou might'st stickle, without hazard 

Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard 

And not, for want of business, come 

To us to be thus troublesome, 

To interrupt our better sort 

Of disputants, and spoil our sport ? 

Was there no felony, no bawd, 

Cut-purse, nor burglary abroad ? 

No stolen pig, nor plunder'd goose, 

To tie thee up from breaking loose ? 

No ale unlicens'd, broken hedge. 

For which thou statute might'st allege, 

To keep thee busy from foul evil. 

And shame due to thee from the devil ? 

Did no Committee sit, where he 

Might cut out journey-work for thee, 



76 HUDIBRAS. PART I 

And set th' a task, with subornation, 

To stitch up sale and sequestration, 

To cheat, with holiness and zeal, 

All parties and the common-weal ? 

Much better had it been for thee 

He 'ad kept thee where th' art us'd to be. 

Or sent th' on business any whither. 

So he had never brought thee hither : 

But if th' hast brain enough in skull 

To keep itself in lodging whole. 

And not provoke the rage of stones. 

And cudgels, to thy hide and bones, 

Tremble, and vanish while thou may'st, 

Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st.' — 

At this the Knight grew high in Avroth, 

And lifting hands and eyes up both. 

Three times he smote on stomach stout, 

From whence, at length, these words broke out : 

' "Was I for this entitled Sir, 
And girt with trusty sword and spur, 
For fame and honour to wage battle, 
Thus to be brav'd by foe to cattle ? 
Not all that pride that makes thee swell 
As big as thou dost blown-up veal ; 
Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, 
And sell thy carrion for good meat ; 
Not all thy magic to repair 
Decay'd old age in tough lean ware. 
Make nat'ral death appear thy work. 
And stop the gangrene in stale pork ; 
Not all that force that makes thee proud. 
Because by bullock ne'er withstood ; 
Though arm'd with all thy cleavers, kinves, 
And axes, made to hew down lives, 



p 



HUDIBKAS. 77 



Shall save or lielp tliee to evade 
The hand of Justice, or this blade, 
"Which I, her sAvord-bearer, do cany, 
For civil deed and military : 
Nor shall these words, of venom base, 
Which thou .hast from their native place, 
Thy stomach, pump'd to fling on me. 
Go unreveng'd, though I am free ; 
Thou down the same throat shall devour 'em. 
Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em ; 
Nor shall it e'er be said that wight 
"With gauntlet blue and bases white, 
And round blunt truncheon by his side, 
So great a man-at-arms defied 
With words far bitterer than wormwood. 
That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. 
Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal 
But men with hands, as thou shalt feel. ' 
This said, with hasty rage he snatch'd 
His gun-shot, that in holsters watch'd, 
And bending cock, he levell'd full 
Against th' outside of Talgol's skull. 
Vowing that he should ne'er stir further. 
Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther : 
But Pallas came ij^ shape of Rust, 
And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust 
Her gorgon shield, which made the cock 
Stand stiff, as 'twere transform'd to stock. 
Meanwhile fierce Talgol, gathering might. 
With rugged truncheon charg'd the Knight ; 
But he, with petronel upheav'd, 
Instead of shield, the blow receiv'd ; 
The gun recoil'd, as well it might, 
Not us'd to such a kind of fight. 



78 HUDIBr.AS. PART 

And shrunk from its great master's gi'ipe, 

Knock'd down and stunn'd with mortal stripe. 

Then Hudibras, with furious haste, 

Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast 

But Talgol first, with hardy thwack, 

Twice bruis'd his head, and twice his back ; 

But when his nut-brown sword was out, 

With stomach huge he laid about, 

Imprinting many a wound upon 

His mortal foe, the truncheon : 

The trusty cudgel did oppose 

Itself against dead-doing blows, 

To guard his leader from fell bane. 

And then reveng'd itself again. 

And though the sword (some understood) 

In force had much the odds of wood, 

'Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc't 

So equal, none knew which was val'ant'st : 

For wood, with honour b'ing engag'd, 

Is so implacably enrag'd. 

Though iron hew and mangle sore. 

Wood wounds and bruises honour more. 

And now both knights were out of breath, 

Tir'd in the hot pursuits of death ; 

Whilst all the rest amaz'd stood still, 

Expecting which should take, or kill. 

This Hudibras observ'd ; and fretting 

Conquest should be so long a-getting, 

He drew up all his force into 

One body, and that into one blow ; 

But Talgol wisely avoided it 

By cunning sleight ; for had it hit 

The upper part of him, the blow 

Had slit, as sure as that below. 



CANTO II. HITDIBRAS. 79 

Meanwhile th' incomparable Colon, 
To aid his friend, began to fall on ; 
Him Ralph encounter'd, and straight grew 
A dismal combat 't\vixt them two ; 
Th' one arm'd with metal, t' other with Avood, 
This fit for bruise, and that for blood. 
With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, 
Hard crab-tree and old iron rang. 
While none that saw them could divine 
To which side conquest would incline ; 
Until Magnano, who did envy 
That two should with so many men vie, 
By subtle stratagem of brain 
Perform'd what force could ne'er attain ; 
For he, by foul hap, having found 
Where thistles grew on barren ground. 
In haste ho drew his weapon out. 
And having cropp'd them from the root, 
He clapp'd them underneath the tail 
Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail : 
The angry beast did straight resent 
The wi'ong done to his fundament, 
Began to kick, and fling, and wince, 
As if he 'ad been beside his sense. 
Striving to disengage from thistle, 
That gall'd him sorely under his tail ; 
Instead of which he threw the pack. 
Of Squire and baggage, from his back ; 
And blundering still, with smarting rump, 
He gave the Knight's steed such a thump 
As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, 
And sat on fm'ther side aslope. 
This Talgol viewing, who had now 
By sleight escap'd the fatal blow, 



80 HUDIBRAS. PART I 

He rallied, and again fell to't ; 

For catching foe by nearer foot, 

He lifted with such might and strength, 

As would have hurl'd him thrice his length, 

And dash'd his brains (if any) out ; 

But Mars, that still protects the stout. 

In pudding-time came to his aid. 

And under him the Bear convey'd ; 

The Bear, upon whose soft fui^own 

The Knight with all his weight fell down. 

The friendly rug preserv'd the ground. 

And headlong- Knight, from bruise oi wound : 

Like feather-bed betwixt a wall 

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball. 

As Sancho on a blanket fell. 

And had no hurt, our's far'd as well 

In body, though his mighty spuit, 

B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it. 

The Bear was in a greater fright. 

Beat down, and worsted by the Knight ; 

He roar'd, and rag'd, and flung about. 

To shake off" bondage from his snout : 

His wi'ath inflam'd, boil'd o'er, and from 

His jaws of death he threw the foam ; 

Fury in stranger postures threw him, 

And more than ever herald drew him : 

He tore the earth, which he had sav'd 

From squelch of Knight, and storm'd and rav'd, 

And vex'd the more, because the harms 

He felt were 'gainst the law of arms : 

For men he always took .to be 

His friends, and dogs the enemy ; 

'Who never so much hurt had done him. 

As his own side did falling on him : 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS, 81 

It griev'd him to the guts that they, 
For whom he 'ad fought so many a fray, 
And serv'd with loss of blood so long, 
Should offer such inhuman wrong ; 
Wrong of unsoldier-like condition, 
For which he flung down his commission ; 
And laid about him, till his nose 
From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. 
Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd, 
Through thickest of his foes he charg'd, 
And made way tlu'ough th' amazed crew ; 
Some he o'er-ran, and some o'erthrew, 
But took none ; for by hasty flight 
He strove to' escape pursuit of Knight, 
From whom he fled with as much haste 
And dread as he the rabble chas'd ;- 
In haste he fled, and so did they, 
Each and his fear a several way. 
Crowdero only kept the field, 
Not stirring from the place he held 
Though beaten down, and wounded sore 
r th' Fiddle, and a leg that bore 
One side of him, not that of bojie, 
But much its better, th' wooden one. 
He spying Hudibras lie strow'd 
Upon the ground, like log of wood. 
With fright of fall, supposed wound, 
And loss of urine, in a swomid, 
In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb 
That hurt i' th' ankle lay by him, 
And fitting it for sudden fight, 
Straight drew it up, to' attack the Knight ; 
For getting up on stump and buckle, 
He with the foe began to buckle. 



82 HUDIBRAS, PART I 

Vowing to be reveug'd, for breach 
Of Crowd and skin, upon the wretch, 
Sole author of all detriment 
He and his Fiddle underwent. 

But Ralpho, (who had now begun 
To' adventure resurrection 
From heavy squelch, and had got up 
Upon his legs, with sprained crup) 
Looking about, beheld pernicion 
Approaching Knight from fell musician ; 
He snatch'd his whinyard up, that fled 
When he was falling off his steed, 
(As rats do from a falling house) 
To hide itself from rage of blows ; 
And, wing'd mth speed and fury, flew 
To rescue Knight from black and blue ; 
"Which ere he could achieve, his sconce 
The leg encouuter'd twice and once ; 
And now 'twas rais'd to smite again, j 

When Ralpho thrust himself between ; II 

He took the blow upon his arm. 
To shield the Knight from further harm, 
And joining Avi-ath with force, bestow'd 
On th' Avooden member such a load, 
That down it fell, and with it bore 
Crowdero, whom it propp'd before. 
To him the Squire right nimbly run, 
And setting conquering foot upon 
His trunk, thus spoke : * What desperate frenzj 
Made thee (thou whelp of Sin) to fancy 
Thyself, and all that coward rabble. 
To' encounter us in battle able ? 
How dost th', I say, oppose thy Curship 
'Gainst arms, authority, and worship. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 

And Hudibras or me provoke, 

Though all thy limbs were heart of oak, 

And th' other half of thee as good 

To bear out blows as that of wood ? 

Could not the whipping-post prevail, 

With all its rhetoric, nor the gaol, 

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, 

And ankle free from iron gin ? 

Which now thou shalt — but first our care 

Must see how Hudibras does fare. ' 

This said, he gently rais'd the Knight, 

And set him on his bum upright. 

To rouse him from lethargic dump, 

He tweak'd his nose, with gentle thump 

Knock'd on his breast, as if't had been 

To raise the spirits lodg'd within : 

They, waken'd with the noise, did fly 

From inward room to window eye. 

And gently opening lid, the casement, 

Look'd out, but yet with some amazement. 

This gladded Ralpho much to see, 

Who thus bespoke the Knight. Quoth he, 

Tweaking his nose, * You are, great Sir, 

A self-denying conqueror ; 

As high, victorious, and great. 

As e'er fought for the Churches yet, 

If you will give yourself but leave 

To make out what y' already have ; 

That's victory. The foe, for dread 

Of your nine-worthiness, is fled, 

All save Crowdero, for whose sake 

You did th' espous'd Cause undertake : 

And he lies prisoner at your feet, 

To be dispos'd as you think meet. 



84 HUD I BRAS. I 

Either for life, or death, or sale, 

The gallows, or perpetual gaol ; 

For one wink of your powerful eye 

Must sentence him to live or die. 

His Fiddle is your proper purchase, 

Won in the service of the Churches ; 

And hy your doom must be aUow'd 

To be, or be no more, a Crowd : 

For though success did not confer 

Just title on the conqueror ; 

Though dispensations were not strong 

Conclusions whether right or wrong ; 

Although Out-goings did confirm. 

And Owning were but a mere term ; 

Yet as the wicked "^ have no right 

To th' creature, though usurp'd by might, 

The property is in the saint, 

From whom th' injuriously detain't ; 

Of him they hold their luxuries. 

Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, 

Their riots, revels, masks, delights, 

Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ; 

All which the saints have title to, 

And ought io' enjoy, if they 'ad their due. 

What we take from 'em is no more 

Than what was ours by right before : 

For we are their true landlords still, 

And they our tenants but at will. ' 



(26) It was a principle maintained by the Kebels of those 
days, that dominion is founded on gi-ace, and therefore if a 
man wanted grace (in their opinion), if he was not a saint 
or a .godly man, he liad no right to any lands, goods, or 
chattels. 'The Saints (as the Squire says) had a right to 
all, and might take it, wherever they had a power to do It.' 



XTO II. HUDIBEAS. 85 

At this the Knight began to rouze, 

And by degrees grow valorous : 

He star'd about, and seeing none 

Of all his foes remain but one, 

He snatch'd his Aveapon that lay near him 

And from the ground began to rear him, 

Vowing to make Crowdero pay 

For all the rest that ran aM-ay. 

But Ealpho now, in colder blood, 

His fury mildly thus withstood : 

' Great Sir,' quoth he, 'yoiu' mighty spirit 

[s rais'd too high ; this slave does merit 

To be the hangman's business, sooner 

Than from your hand to have the honour 

3f his destruction ; I that am 

i Nothingness in deed aud name, 

3id scorn to hurt his forfeit carcass, 

)r ill entreat his Fiddle or case : 

iVill you, great Sir, that glory blot 

n cold blood, which you gain'd in hot / 

Nill you employ your conquering sword 

^0 break a FidcUe, and your word ? 

'or though 1 fought and overcame, 

ind quarter gave, 'twas in j^our name : 

'or great commanders always own 

Vhat's prosperous by the soldier done. 

'o save, where you have poAv'r to kill, 

a-gues your pow'r above your will ; 

.nd that yom* mil and pow'r have less 

han both might have of selfishness. 

his pow'r which, noAv alive, with dread 

[e trembles at, if he were dead 

T'ould no more keep the slave in awe, 

han if you were a Knight of straw ; 

VOL. I. G 



86 HUDIBRAS. PART I. 

Por Death would tlien be liis conqiiercr 

Not you, and free him from that terror, 

If danger from his life accrue, 

Or honour from his death, to you, 

'Twere policy and honour too 

To do as you resolv'd to do ; 

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour much, 

To say it needs, or fears a crutch. 

Great conquerors greater glory gain 

By foes in triumph led, than slain : 

The laurels than adorn their brows 

Are pull'd from living, not dead boughs, 

And living foes ; the greatest fame 

Of cripple slain can be but lame : 

One half of him's already slain, 

Th' other is not worth your pain ; 

Th' honour can but on one side light. 

As worship did, when y' were dubb'd Knight j 

Wherefore I think it better far 

To keej) him prisoner of war, 

And let him fast in bonds abide, 

At court of justice to be tried ; 

Where if h' appear so bold or crafty, 

There may be danger in his safety : 

If any member there dislike 

His face, or to his beard have pique ; 

Or if his death will save or yield 

Revenge or fright, it is reveard,27 

(27) When the Rebels had taken a prisoner, though they 
gave him quarter, and promised to save his life, yet if any 
of them afterwards thought it not proper that he should be 
saved, it was only saying it was revealed to him that such a 
one should die, and they hanged him up, notwithstanding 
the promises before made. Dr. South observes of Harrison 
the Regicide, a butcher by profession, and praaching Colonel 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 87 

Though he has quarter, ne'ertheless 

Y' have power to hang him when you please ; 

This has been often done by some 

Of our great conqu'rors ; you know whom ; 

;And has by most of us been held 

Wise justice, and to some reveal'd : 

:For words and promises, that yoke 

'The conqueror, are quickly broke ; 

Like Samson's cuffs^ though by his own 

Direction and advice put on. 

For if we should fight for the Cause 

By rules of military laws, 

A.nd only do what they call just, 

The Cause would quickly fall to dust. 

This we among ourselves may speak ; 

But to the wicked or the weak 

We must be cautious to declare 

Perfection-truths, such as these are. ' 

This said, the high outrageous mettle 
3f Knight began to cool and settle. « 

:Ie lik'd the Squire's advice, and soon 
i^tesolv'd to see the business done ; 
[ ^nd therefore charg'd him first to bind 
I ]rowdero's hands on rump behind, 
Vnd to its former place and use 
The wooden member to reduce, 
3ut force it take an oath before, 
!^e'er to bear arms against him more. 

Ralpho dispatch'd with speedy haste, 
Ind having tied Crowdero fast, 

1 the Parliament army, that he was notable for having 
illed several after quarter given by others, using these 
'^ords in doing it ; ' Cursed be he who doth the work ol 
tie Lord negligently.' 

g2 



88 HUD I BRAS. PART I. 

He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, 
To lead the captive of his sword 
In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, 
And then to further service brought. 
The Squire, in state, rode on before. 
And on his nut-brown whinyard bore 
The trophy-Fiddle and the case, 
Leaning on shoulder like a mace. 
The Knight himseK did after ride, 
Leading Crowdero by his side ; 
And tow'd him, if he lagg'd behind, 
Like boat, against the tide and wind. 
Thus grave and solemn they march on. 
Until quite through the town they 'ad gone 
At further end of which there stands 
An ancient castle, that commands 
Th' adjacent parts ; in all the fabric 
You shall not see one stone nor a brick, 
But all of wood, by powerful spell 
Of «magic made impregnable : 
There's neither iron-bar, nor gate. 
Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, 
And yet men durance there abide. 
In dungeon scarce three inches wide ; 
With roof so low, that under it 
They never stand, bat lie or sit ; 
And yet so foul, that whoso is in, 
Is to the middle-leg in prison ; 
In circle magical confin'd. 
With walls of subtile air and wind. 
Which none are able to break thorough, 
Until they're freed by head of borough. 
Thither arriv'd, th' advent'rous Knight 
And bold Squire from their steeds alight 



:ANT0 II. HUDIBEAS. 

kt til' outward wall, near which there stands 

A. Bastile, built to' imprison hands ; 

By strange enchantment made to fetter 

rhe lesser parts, and free the greater ; 

For though the body may creep through, 

rhe hands in grate are fast enow : 

A.nd when a circle 'bout the wrist 

Is made by beadle exorcist, 

Ihe body feels the spur and switch, 

As if 'twere ridden post by witch, 

A-t twenty miles an hour pace, 

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place. 

On top of this there is a spu'e, 

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire 

The Fiddle, and its spoils, the case, 

In manner of a trophy place. 

That done, they ope the trap-door gate, 

And let Crowdero down thereat ; 

Crowdero making doleful face. 

Like Hermit poor in pensive place. 

To dungeon they the wretch commit, 

And the survivor of his feet ; 

But the' other that had broke the peace, 

And head of Knighthood, they release, 

Though a delinquent false and forged. 

Yet b'ing a stranger, he's enlarged. 

While his comrade, that did no hurt, 

Is clapp'd up fast in prison for't : 

So Justice, while she mnks at crimes, 

Stumbles on innocence sometimes. 



HUDIBRAS. 



PART I. CANTO III. 




THE ARGUMENT. 

The scatter'd rout return and rally, 
Surround the place ; the Knight does sally. 
And is made prisoner ; then they seize 
The' inchanted fort by storm, release 
Crowdero, and put the Squire in's place ; 
I should have first said Hudibras. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART I. CANTO III. 

Ay me ! what perils do environ 

The man that meddles with cold iron ! 

What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps 

Do dog him still with after- claps ! 

For though Dame Fortune seem to smile, 

And leer upon him, for a while, 

She'H after show him, in the nick 

Of all his glories, a dog-trick. 

This any man may sing or say 

r th' ditty caU'd, ' What if a Day ? ' 

For Hudibras, who thought he 'ad won 

The field, as certain as a gun, 

And having routed the whole troop. 

With victory was cock-a-hoop, 

Thinking he 'ad done enough to purchase 

Thanksgiving-day among the Churches, 

Wherein his mettle and brave worth 

Might be explain'd by holder-forth, 

And register'd by fame eternal, 

In deatliless pages of Diurnal, 

Found in few minutes, to his cost, 

He did but count without his host, 

And that a turnstile is more certain 

Than, in events of war, Dame Fortune. 

For now the late faint-hearted rout, 
'erthrown and scatter'd round about, 



94 HUDIBEAS, 

Clias'd by tlie horror of their fear, 
From bloody fray of Knight and Bear, 
(All but the Dogs, who iu pursuit 
Of the Knight's victory stood to't, 
And most ignobly fought to get 
The honour of his blood and sweat) 
Seeing the coast was free and clear 
0' the conquer 'd and the conqueror, 
Took heart again, and fac'd about, 
As if they meant to stand it out : 
For by this time the routed Bear, 
Attack'd by th' enemy i* th' rear, 
Finding their number grew too great 
For him to make a safe retreat, 
Like a bold chieftain fac'd about ; 
But wisely doubting to hold out, 
Gave way to fortune, and with haste 
Fac'd the proud foe, and fled, and fac'd, 
Eetiring still, until he found 
He 'ad got th' advantage of the ground, 
And then as valiantly made head 
To check the foe, and forthwith fled, 
Leaving no art untried, nor trick 
Of warrior stout and politic. 
Until, in spite of hot pursuit. 
He gain'd a pass, to hold dispute 
On better terms, and stop the course 
Of the proud foe. AVith all his force 
He bravely charg'd, and for a while 
Forc'd their whole body to recoil ; 
But still their numbers so increas'd, 
He found himself at length oppress'd, 
And all evasions so uncertain. 
To save himself for better fortune, 



CANTO III. HTJDIBEAS. 95 

That lie resolv'd, rather than yield, 

To die with honour in the field, 

And sell his hide and carcass at 

A price as high and desperate 

As e'er he could. This resolution 

He forthwith put in execution, 

And bravely threw himself among 

The enemy, i' th' greatest throng ; 

But what could single valour do. 

Against so numerous a foe ? 

Yet much he did, indeed too much 

To be believ'd, where th' odds were such ; 

But one against a multitude. 

Is more than mortal can make good : 

For while one party he oppos'd, 

His rear was suddenly inclos'd. 

And no room left him for retreat, 

Or fight against a foe so gi'eat. 

For now the Mastives, charging home. 

To blows and handy-gripes were come ; 

While manfully himself he bore, 

And setting his right foot before. 

He rais'd himself to show how tall 

His person was above them all. 

This equal shame and envy stirr'd 

In th' enemy, that one should beard 

So many warriors, and so stout. 

As he had done, and stav'd it out. 

Disdaining to lay down his arms, 

And yield on honourable terms. 

Enraged thus, some in the rear 

Attack'd him, and some every where, 

Till down he fell ; yet falling fought, 

And, being down, still laid about ; 



96 HUDiBEAs. ta: 

As Widdrington,^ in doleful dumps, 
Is said to fight upon liis stumps. 

But all, alas ! had been in vain, 
And he inevitably slain, 
If Trulla' and Cerdon in the nick 
To rescue him had not been quick : 
For Trulla, who was light of foot, 
As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, 
But not so light as to be borne 
Upon the ears of standing corn. 
Or trip it o'er the water quicker 
Than witches, when their staves they liquor, 
As some report) was got among 
The foremost of the martial throng ; 
There pitying the vanquished Bear, 
Slie called to Cerdon, who stood near, 
Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom, 
' Shall we (quoth she) stand still hu7ii drum. 
And see stout Bruin, all alone. 
By numbers basely overthrown ? 
Such feats already he 'as achiev'd, 
In story not to be belie v'd. 
And 'twould to us be shame enough, 
Not to attemj)t to fetch him off. ' 
' I would (quoth he) venture a limb 
To second thee, and rescue him ; 
But then we must about it straight, 
Or else our aid will come too late ; 
Quarter he scorns, he is so stout. 
And therefore cannot long hold out. ' 
This said, they wav'd their weapons round 
About their heads to clear the ground, 

(1) Alluding to the old ballad of Chevy-chase. 



CANTO III. HUDIBEAS. 



97 



And joining forces, laid atout 

So fiercely, tliat th' amazed rout 

Turn'd tail again, and straight begun, 

As if the devil drove, to run. 

Meanwhile they approach'd the place where Bmin 

Was now engag'd to mortal ruin : _ 

The conquering foe they soon assail'd, 

First Trulla stav'd, and Cerdon tail'd. 

Until their Mastives loos'd their hold ; 

And yet, alas ! do what they could. 

The worsted Bear came off with store 

Of bloody wounds, but all before : 

For as Achilles, dipt in pond, 

"Was anabaptiz'd free from wound, 

Made proof against dead-doing steel 

All over, but the Pagan heel ; 

So did our champion's arms defend 

All of him but the other end. 

His head and ears, which in the martial 

Encounter lost a leathern parcel : 

For as an Austrian archduke once 

Had one ear \Avhich in ducatoons 

Is half the coin) in battle par'd 

Close to his head, so Bruin far'd ; 

But tugg'd and pull'd on t'other side. 

Like scrivener newly crucified : 

Or like the late-corrected leathern 

Ears of the circumcised brethren. 

But gentle Trulla into the' ring ^ 

He wore in's nose convey'd a string, 

"With which she march'd before, and led 

The warrior to a gi-assy bed. 

As author's write, in a cool shade, 

Which eglantine and roses made ; 



98 HUDIBEAS. PART L 

Close by a softly-murmuring stream, 
"Where lovers us'd to loll and dream : 
There leaving him to his repose, 
SecurM from pursuit of foes, 
And wanting nothing but a song, 
And a well-tun'd theorbo hung 
Upon a bough, to ease tlie pain 
His tugg'd ears sufifer'd, with a strain 
They both drew up, to march in quest 
Of his great leader and the rest. 

For Orsin (who was more renown'd 
For stout maintaining of- his ground, 
In standing light, than for pursuit. 
As being not so quick of foot) 
Was not long able to keep pace 
With others that pursued the chase, 
But found himself left far behind, 
Both out of heart and out of wind ; 
Griev'd to behold his Bear pursued 
So basely by a multitude, 
And like to fall, not by the prowess, 
But numbers, of his coward foes. 
He rag'd, and kept as heavy a coil as 
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas ; 
Forcing the vallies to repeat 
The accents of his sad regret : 
He beat his breast, and tore his hair. 
For loss of his dear crony Bear, 
That Echo, from the hollow ground. 
His doleful wailings did resound 
More wistfully, by many times, 
Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes. 
That makes her, in their ruthful stories, 
To answer to iut'rogatories, 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 99 

And most unconscionably depose 
To things of which she nothing knows ; 
And when she has said all she can say, 
'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy. 
Quoth he, * whither, wicked Bruin, 
Art thou fled ? to my' — Echo, ' Ruin.' 

* I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step 
For fear. ' Quoth Echo, * Marry guep. ' 

' Am not I here to take thy part ? 

Then what has quell'd thy stubborn heart ? 

Have these bones rattled, and this head 

So often in thy quarrel bled ? 

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it 

For thy dear sake, ' Quoth she, ' Mum budget. * 

* Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish 
Thou turn'dst thy back ? ' Quoth Echo, ' Pish.' 

* To run from those th' hadst overcome 
Thus cowardly ? ' Quoth Echo, ' Mum. ' 
' But what a vengeance makes thee fly 
From me too, as thine enemy ? 

Or, if thou hast no thought of me, 

Nor what I have endur'd for thee. 

Yet shame and honour might prevail / 

To keep thee thus from turning tail : 

For who would grudge to spend his blood in 

His honour's cause ? ' Quoth she, ' a Pudding. 

This said, his grief to anger turn'd. 

Which in his manly stomach bum'd ; 

Thu'st of revenge, and wrath, in place 

Of sorrow, now began to blaze. 

He vow'd the authors of his woe 

Should equal vengeance undergo, 

And with their bones and flesh pay dear 

For what he suff'er'd, and his Bear. 



100 HUDIBRAS. P 

This being resolv'd, with equal speed 
And rage he hasted to proceed 
To action straight, and giving o'er 
To search for Bruin any more, 
He went in quest of Hudibras, 
To find him out where'er he was ; 
And, if he were above ground, vow'd 
He'd ferret him, hirk where he would. 

But scarce had he a furlong on 
This resolute adventure gone, 
"When he encounter'd wth that crew 
Whom Hudibras did late subdue. 
Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame, 
Did equally their breasts inflame. 
'Mong these the fierce Magnano was, 
And Talgol, foe to Hudibras ; 
Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout, 
And resolute, as ever fought ; 
Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke : 

' Shall we, ' quoth he, ' thus basely brook 
The vile afi"ront that paltry ass, 
And feeble scoundrel, Hudibras, 
With that more paltry ragamuffin, 
Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing, 
Have put upon us, like tame cattle, 
As if th' had routed us in battle ? 
For my part, it shall ne'er be said, 
I for the washing gave my head : 
Nor did I turn my back for fear 
0' th' rascals, but loss of my Bear, 
Which now I'm like to undergo ; 
For whether these fell wounds, or no, 
He has receiv'd in fight, are mortal. 
Is more than all my skill can foretel ; 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 101 

Kor do I know what is become 

Of him, more than the Pope of Kome : « 

But if I can but find them out 

That caus'd it (as I shall no doubt, 

Where'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk) 

I'll make them rue their handy- work, 

And wish that they had rather dar'd 

To pull the devil by the beard. ' 

Quoth Cerdon, ' I^oble Orsin, th' hast 
Great reason to do as thou say'st, 
And so has every body here. 
As well as thou hast, or thy Bear : 
Others may do as they see good ; 
But if this twig be made of wood 
That will. hold tack, I'll make the fur ■ 
Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur. 
And the other mungrel vermin, Ralph, 
That brav'd us all in his behalf. 
Thy Bear is safe, and out of peril, 
Though lugg'd indeed, and wounded ver' ill ; 
Myself and Trulla made a shift 
To help him out at a dead lift ; 
And having brought him bravely off, 
Have left him where he's safe enough : 
There let him rest ; for if we stay, 
The slaves may hap to get away. ' 

This said, they all engag'd to join 
Their forces in the same design, 
And forthwith put themselves in search 
Of Hudibras upon their march : 
Where leave we them a while, to tell 
What the victorious Knight befel ; 
For such, Crowdero being fast 
In dungeon shut, we left him last. 



102. HUDIBRAS. P^ 

Triumphant laurels seem'd to grow 

No where so green as on his brow. 

Laden with which, as Avell as tir'd 

With conquering toil, he now retir'd 

Unto a neighbouiing castle by, 

To rest his body, and apply 

Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise 

He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues ; 

To mollify the' uneasy pang 

Of every honourable bang, 

Which b'ing by skilful midwife drest, 

He laid him down to take his rest. 

But all in vain : he 'ad got a- hurt 
0' th' inside, of a deadlier sort. 
By Cupid made, who took his stand 
Upon a widow's jointure land, 
(For he, in all his amorous battles, 
No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels) 
Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, 
Let fly an arrow at the Knight ; 
The shaft against a rib did glance, 
And gall him in the' purtenance : 
But time had somewhat 'swag'd his pain, 
After he'd found his suit in vain : 
For that proud dame, for whom his soul 
Was burnt in's belly like a coal, 
(That belly that so oft did ache. 
And suffer griping for her sake. 
Till purging comtits, and ants' eggs 
Had almost brought him off his legs) 
Us'd him so like a base rascallion, 
That old Pyg— (what d' y' call him) malion, 
That cut his mistress out of stone, 
Had not so hard a hearted one. 



CANTO III. HT7DIBRAS. 108 

She had a thousand jadish tricks, 
Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ; 
'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had, 
As insolent as strange, and mad ; 
She could love none but only such 
As scorn'd and hated her as much. 
'Twas a strange riddle of a lady ; 
Not love, if any lov'd her : hey day ! 
So cowards never use their might, 
But against such as will not fight. 
So some diseases have been found 
Only to seize upon the sound. 
He that gets her by heart, must say her 
The back way, like a witch's prayer. 
Meanwhile the Knight had no small task 
To compass what he durst not ask : 
He loves, but dares not make the motion ; 
Her ignorance is his devotion : 
Like caitiff vile, that for misdeed 
Rides with his face to rump of steed ; 
Or rowing scull, he's fain to love, 
Look one way, and another move ; 
Or like a tumbler that does play 
His game, and looks another way, 
Until he seize upon the coney ; 
Just so does he by matrimony. 
But all in vain ; ner subtle snout 
Did quickly wind his meaning out ; 
Which she return'd with too much scorn, 
To be by man of honour borne ; 
Yet much he bore, until the distress 
He suflTer'd from his spightful mistress 
Did stir his stomach, and the pain 
He had endur'd from her disdain, 
VOL. I. H 



104 HTJDIBRAS. P 

TuniM to regret so resolute, 

That lie resolv'd to wave his suit, 

And either to renounce her quite, 

Or for a while play least in sight. 

This resolution b'ing put on, 

He kept some months, and more had done, 

But heing brought so nigh by Fate, 

The victory he achiev'd so late 

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope 

A door to discontinued hope, 

That seem'd to promise he might win 

His dame too, now his hand was in ; 

And that his valour, and the honour 

He 'ad newly gain'd, might work upon her 

These reasons made his mouth to water 

With amorous longings to be at her. 

Quoth he, unto himself, ' "Who knows 

But this brave conquest o'er my foes 

Ma}^ reach her heart, and make that stoop, 

As I but now have forced the trooj) ? 

If nothing can oppugn love. 

And virtue invious ways can prove, 

What may not he confide to do 

That brings both love and virtue too ? 

But thou bring'st valour, too, and wit, 

Two things that seldom fail to hit. 

Valour's a mouse-trap, wit a gin. 

Which women oft are taken in : 

Then, Hudibras, why shouldst thou fear 

To be, that art a conqueror ? 

Fortune the' audacious doth jicvare, 

But lets the timidous miscarry : 

Then while the honour thou hast got 

Is spick-and-span new, piping hot, 



CANTO Iir. HUDIBRAS. 105 

Strike her up bravely thou hadst best, 

And trust thy fortune with the rest. ' 

Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep, 

More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep ; 

And as an owl that in a barn 

Sees a mouse creeping in the corn. 

Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, 

As if he slept, until he spies 

The little beast within his reach, 

Then starts, and seizes on the wretch ; 

So from his couch the Knight did stai't, 

To seize upon the widow's heart, 

Crying, with hasty tone, and hoarse, 

* Ralpho, dispatch, to horse ! to horse ! ' 

And 'twas but time ; for now the rout, 

"We left engag'd to seek him out, 

By speedy marches were advanc'd 

Up to the fort were he ensconc'd, 

And all th' avenues had possest. 

About the place, from east to west. 

That done, a while they made a halt 
To view the ground, and where t' assault : 
Then call'd a council, which was best, 
By siege or onslaught, to invest 
The enemy ; and 'twas agreed 
By storm and onslaught to proceed. 
This b'ing resolv'd, in comely sort 
They now drew up to attack the fort ; 
When Hudibras, about to enter 
Upon another-gates adventure, 
To Ralpho call'd aloud to arm. 
Not dreaming of approaching storm. 
Whether Dame Fortune, or the care 
Of angel bad, or tutelar, 



106 HTJDIBEAS. 

Did arm, or tliriist him on a danger, 
To which he was an utter stranger, 
That foresight miglit, or might not, blot 
The glory he had newly got ; 
Or to his shame it might be said, 
They took him napping in his bed, 
To them we leave it to expound. 
That deal in sciences profound. * 

His courser scarce he had bcstrid, 
And Ealpho that on which he rid, 
"When setting ope the postern gate, 
Which they thought liest to sally at, 
The foe appear 'd, drawn up and drill 'd, 
Eeady to charge them in the field. 
This somewhat startled the bold Knight, 
Surpris'd with the' unexpected sight : 
The bruises of his bones and flesh 
He thought began to smart afresh ; 
Till re-collecting wonted courage, 
His fear was soon converted to rage, 
And thus he spoke : * The coward foe, 
Whom we but now gave quarter to, 
Look, yonder's rallied, and appears 
As if they had outrun their fears ; 
The glory we did lately get, 
The Fates command us to repeat ; 
And to their mils we must succumb, 
Quocunque traJmnf, 'tis our doom. 
This is the same numeric crew 
Which we so lately did subdue ; 
The self-same individuals that 
Did run, as mice do from a cat. 
When we courageously did wield 
Our martial weapons in the field, 



CANTO III. nUDIBRAS. 107 

To tug for victory : and when 

"VVe shall our shining blades again 

Brandish in terror o'er our heads, 

They'll straight resume their wonted dreads. 

Fear is an ague, that forsakes 

And haunts, by fits, those whom it takes ; 

And they'll opine they feel the pain 

And blows they felt to-day again. 

Then let us boldly charge them home, 

And make no doubt to overcome. ' 

This said, his courage to inflame, 
He call'd upon his mistress' name. 
His pistol next he cock'd a-new, 
And out his nut-brown whinyard drew ; 
And placing Kalpho in the front, 
Eeserv'd himself to bear the brunt, 
As expert warriors use ; then plied, 
With iron heel, his courser's side, 
Conveying sympathetic speed 
From heel of Knight to heel of steed. 

Meanwhile the foe, with equal rage 
And speed, advancing to engage, 
Both parties now were drawn so close, 
Almost to come to handy-blows, 
When Orsin first let fly a stone 
At Ralpho ; not so huge a one 
As that which Diomed did maul 
iEneas on the bum withal ; 
Yet big enough, if rightly hurl'd, 
To have sent him to another world. 
Whether above ground, or below, 
Which saints twice dipt are destin'd to. 
The danger startled the bold Squire, 
And made him some few steps retire j 



108 HUDIBRAS. TA 

But Hudibras advanc'd to's aid, 

And rous'd his spirits half dismay'd : 

He wisely doubting lest the shot 

Of the' enemy, now growing hot, 

Might at a distance gall, press'd close, 

To come pell-mell to handy-blows. 

And that he might their aim decline, 

Advanc'd still in an oblique line ; 

But prudently forbore to fire, 

Till breast to breast he had got nigher ; 

As expert warriors use to do, 

When hand to hand they charge their foe. 

This order the advent'rour Knight, 

Most soldier-like, observ'd in fight. 

When Fortune (as she's wont) turn'd fickle, 

And for the foe began to stickle. 

The more shame for her goodyship 

To give so near a friend the slip. 

For Colon, choosing out a stone, 

Levell'd so right, it thump'd upon 

His manly paunch with such a force, 

As almost beat him off his horse. 

He loos'd his whiuyard, and the rein, 

But laying fast hold on tlie mane, 

Preserv'd his seat : and as a goose 

In death contracts his talons close, 

So did the Knight, and with one claw 

The trigger of his pistol draw. 

The gun went off ; and as it was 

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, 

In all his feats of arms, Avhen least 

He dreamt of it, to prosper best, 

So now he far'd : the shot, let fly 

At random 'mong the enemy, 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 109 

Pierc'd Talgol's gaberdine, ^nd grazing 
Upon his shoulder, in the passing, 
Lodg'd in Magnano's brass habergeon, 
Who straight, ' A surgeon ' cried, ' A surgeon ; ' 
He tumbled down, and, as he fell, 
Did, ' Murder, murder, murder, ' yell. 
This startled their whole body so, 
That if the Knight had not let go 
His arms, but been in warlike plight, 
He 'ad won (the second time) the fight ; 
As, if the Squire had but fall'n on, 
He had inevitably done. 
But he, diverted with the care 
Of Hudibras's hurt, forbare 
To press the' advantage ofdiis fortune, 
While danger did the rest dishearten. 
For he with Cerdon b'ing engag'd 
In close encounter, they both wag'd 
The fight so well, 'twas hard to say 
Which side was like to get the day. 
And now the busy work of Death 
Had tir'd them so, they 'greed to breathe, 
Preparing to renew the fight, 
When the disaster of the Knight, 
And the' other party, did divert 
Their fell intent, and forc'd them part. 
Ealpho press'd up to Hudibras, 
And Cerdon where Magnano was, 
Each striving to confirm his party 
With stout encouragements and hearty. 
Quoth Ralpho, * Courage, valiant Sir, 
And let revenge and honour stir 
Your spirits up ; once more fall on, 
The shatter'd foe begins to run : 



110 HITDIBRAS. PART I. 

For if but half so well you knew 

To use your victory as subdue, 

They durst not, after such a blow 

As you have given them, face us now ; 

But from so formidable a sohiier 

Had lied like crows when they smell powder. 

Thrice have they seen your sword aloft 

AVav'd o'er their heads, and fled as oft ; 

But if you let them re-collect 

Their spirits, now dismay'd and checkt, 

You'll have a harder game to play. 

Then yet ye 'avo had, to get the day.' 

Thus spoke the stout Squire, but was heard 
By Hudibras with small regard. 
His thoughts were fuller of the bang 
He lately took, than Ralph's harang-ue ; 
To which he answer'd, * Cruel Fate 
Tells me thy counsel comes too late. 
The knotted blood within my hose, 
That from my wounded body flows, 
"With mortal crisis doth portend 
My days to appropinque an end. 
I am for action now unfit, 
Either of fortitude or wit. 
Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, 
Resolv'd to pull my stomach down, 
I am not apt upon a wound, 
Or trivial basting, to despond ; 
Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail ; 
For if I thought my wounds not mortal, 
Or that we 'ad time enough as yet 
To make an honourable retreat, 
'Twere the best course ; but if they find 
We fly, and leave our arms behind, 



CANTO III. 



HUDIBRAS. Ill 



For tliem to seize on, the dishonour, 
And danger too, is such, I'll sooner 
Stand to it boldly and take quarter, 
To let them see I am no starter. 
In all the trade of war no feat 
Is nobler than a brave retreat : 
For those that run away, and fly, ^ 
Take place at least o' the' enemy.' 

This said, the Squire, with active speed, 
Dismounted from his bony steed, 
To seize the arms which, by mischance, 
; Fell from the bold Knight in a trance : 
i These being found out, and restor'd 
' To Hudibras, their nat'ral lord, 
: As a man may say, with might and mam 
He hasted to get up again. 
Thrice he essay'd to mount aloft, 
But, by his weighty bum, as oft 
He was puU'd back, till having found 
The' advantage of the rising ground, 
Thither he led his warlike steed. 
And having plac'd him right, with speed 
Prepar'd again to scale the beast ; 
When Orsin, who had newly drest 
The bloody scar upon the shoulder 
Of Talgol with Promethean powder. 
And now was searching for the shot 
That laid Magnano on the spot, 
Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid, 
Preparing to climb up his horse-side ; 
He left his cure, and layhig hold 
Upon his arms, with courage bold 
Cried out, * 'Tis now no time to dally, 
The enemy begin to rally ; 



112 HUDIBRAS. 

Let US that are unliurt and wliole 
Fall on, and happy man he's dole.' 

This said, like to a thunderbolt 
He flew with fury to the' assault, 
Striving the' enemy to attack 
Before he reach'd his horse's back. 
Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten 
O'erthwart his beast with active vau'ting 
Wriggling his body to recover 
His seat, and cast his right leg over ; 
Wlien Orsin, rushing in, bestow'd 
On horse and man so heavy a load, 
The beast was startled, and begun 
To kick and fling like mad, and run, 
Bearing the tough Squire like a sack. 
Or stout King Richard, on his back ; 
Till stumbling, he threw him down. 
Sore bruis'd, and cast into a swoon. 
Meanwhile the Knight began to rouse 
The sparkles of his wonted prowess : 
He thrust his hand into his hose. 
And found, both by his eyes and nose, 
'Twas only choler, and not blood, 
That from his wounded body flow'd. 
This with the hazard of the Squire, 
Inflam'd him with despiteful ire ; 
Courageously lie fac'd about, 
And drew his other pistol out ; 
And now had half way bent the cock, 
When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock, 
With sturdy truncheon, thwart his arm, 
That down it fell, and ditl no harm ; 
Then stoutly pressing on with speed, 
Assay'd to pull him ofl" his steed. 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 113 

The Knight his sword had only left, 

With Avhich he Cerdon's head had cleft, 

Or at the least crop'd off a limb, 

But Orsin came, and rescued him. 

He with his lance attack'd the Knight 

Upon his quarters opposite : 

But as a bark, that in foul weather, 

Toss'd by two adverse winds together, 

Is bruis'd and beaten to and fro. 

And knows not which to turn him to ; 

So far'd the Knight between two foes, 

And knew not which of them to' oppose ; 

Till Orsin, charging Avith his lance 

At Hudibras, by spiteful chance 

Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunn'd 

And laid him flat upon the ground. 

At this the Knight began to cheer up, 

And, raising up himself on stirrup, 

Cry'd out, ' Victoria I lie thou there, 

And I shall straight dispatch another 

To bear thee company in death ; 

But first I'll halt awhile, and breathe ;' — 

As well he might ; for Orsin, griev'd 

At the' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd, 

Ean to relieve him with his lore, 

And cure the hurt he gave before. 

Meanwhile the Knight had wheel'd about 

To breathe himself," and next find out 

The' advantage of the ground, where best 

He might the ruffled foe infest. 

This b'ing resolv'd he spurr'd his steed, 

To run at Orsin with full speed, 

While he was busy in the care 

Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware ; 



114 HUDIBKAS. 

But he was quick, and had ah-eady 
Unto the part applied remedy ; 
Aud seeing the' enemy prepar'd, 
Drew up, aud stood upon liis guard : 
Then like a warrior right expert 
And skilful in the martial art, 
The subtle Knight straight made a halt, 
Aud judg'd it best to stay tlie' assault, 
Until he had reliev'd the Squire, 
And then (in order) to retire ; 
Or, as occasion should invite, 
With forces join'd renew the fight. 
Ealpho, by this time disentranc'd. 
Upon his bum himself advanc'd. 
Though sorely bruis'd ; his limbs all o'er 
"With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore : 
Eight fain he would have got upon 
His feel again, to get him gone, 
AVhen Hudibras to aid him came. 

Quoth he, (and call'd him by his name) 
* Courage, the day at length is ours. 
And we once more, as conquerors. 
Have both the field and honour won ; 
The foe is profligate and run : 
I mean all such as can, for some 
This hand hath sent to their long home ; 
And some lie sprawliijg on the ground, 
"With nvdny a gash and blooily wound. 
Ca\sar himself could never say 
He got two victories in a day 
As 1 have done, that can say, twice I 
In one day ve/ii, vidi, vici. 
The foe's so numerous, that we 
Cannot so often vincere^ 



CANTO III. HrDIBRAS, 115 

As they perire, and yet enow 

Be left to strike an after-blow ; 

Then lest they rally, and once more 

Put us to fight the bus'ness o'er, 

Get up, and mount thy steed ; dispatch, 

And let us both their motious watch.' 

Quoth Ralph, * I should not, if I were 

In case for action, now be here ; 

Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'd 

An a — e, for fear of being bang'd. 

It was for you I got these harms, 

Advent'ring to fetch oiT your arms. 

The blows and drubs I have receiv'd, 

Have bruis'd my body, and bereav'd 

My limbs of strength : unless you stoop, 

And reach your hands to pull me up, 

I shall lie here, and be a prey 

To those who now are run away.' 

' That thou shalt not, ' quoth Hudibras ; 
* We read, the Ancients held it was 
More honourable far servare 
Civem, than slay an adversary ; 
The one we oft to-day have done, 
The other shall dispatch anon : 
And though th' art of a different church, 
I will not leave thee in the lurch. 
This said he jogg'd his good steed nigher, 
And steer 'd him gently towards the Squire, 
Then bowing down his body, stretch'd 
His hand out, and at Ealpho reach'd ; 
When Trulla, whom he did not mind, 
Charg'd him like lightening behind. 
She had been long in search about 
Magnano's wound, to find it out, 



116 HTJDIBRAS. P. 

But could find none, nor where the shot 
That had so startled him was got : 
But having found the worst was past, 
She fell to her o^^^l work at last, 
The pillage of the prisoners, 
Which in all feats of arms was hers ; 
And now to plunder Ralph she flew, 
When Hudibras his hard fate drew 
To succour him ; for as he bow'd 
To help him up, she laid a load 
Of blows so heavy, and plac'd so well, 
On t' other side, that down he fell. 

* Yield, scoundrel base, (quoth she) or die ; 
Thy life is mine, and liberty ; 

But if thou think'st I took thee tardy, 
And dar'st presume to be so hardy 
To try thy fortune o'er a- fresh, 
I'll wave my title to thy flesh, 
Thy arms, and baggage, now my right 
And if thou hast the heart to try't, 
I'll lend thee back thyself a while, 
And once more, for that carcase vile, 
Fight upon tick.' — Quoth Hudibras, 

* Thou otfer'st nobly, valiant lass. 
And I shall take thee at thy word. 
First let me rise and take my sword ; 
That sword which hath so oft this day 
Through squadrons of my foes made way^ 
And some to other worlds dispatcht, 
Now with a feeble spinster matcht, 
AVill blush, with blood ignoble stain'd. 
By which no honour's to be gain'd : 

But if thou'lt take m' advice in this, 
Consider, whilst thou may's t, what 'tis 



CANTO III. HUDIBEAS. 117 

To interrupt a victor's course, 

B' opposing sucli a trivial force : 

For if with conquest I come off, 

(And that I shall do sure enough) 

Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace 

By law of arms, in such a case ; 

Both which I now do offer freely.' 

' I scorn,' quoth she, ' thou coxcomb silly, 

(Clapping her hand upon her breech, 

To show bow much she priz'd his speech) 

Quarter or counsel from a foe ; 

If tbou canst force me to it, do : 

But lest it should again be said, 

"When I have once more won thy head, 

I took thee napping unprepar'd, 

Arm, and betake thee to thy guard.' 

This said, she to her tackle fell, 
And on the Knight let fall a peal 
Of blows so fierce, and press'd so home, 
That he retir'd, and follow'd's bum. 
* Stand to't,' quoth she, * or yield to mercy ; 
It is not fighting arsie-versie 
Shall serve thy turn.' — This stirr'd his spleen 
More than the danger he was in. 
The blows he felt, or was to feel, 
Although th' already made him reel 
Honoiu", despite, revenge, and shame. 
At once into his stomach came ; 
Which fir'd it so, he rais'd his arm 
Above his head, and rain'd a storm 
Of blows so terrible and thick, 
As if he meant to hash her quick : 
But she upon her truncheon took them, 
And by oblique diversion broke them, 



118 HTJDTBRAS. PART I. 

Waiting an opportunity 

To pay all back with usuiy, 

"Wliich long she fail'd not of ; for now 

The Knight with one dead-doing blow 

Eesolving to decide the fight, 

And she with quick and cunning sleight 

Avoiding it, tlie force and weight 

He charg'd upon it was so great, 

As almost sway'd him to the ground : 

No sooner she the' advantage found, 

But in she flew ; and seconding, 

With home-made thrust, the heavy swing, 

She laid him flat upon his side. 

And mounting ou his trunk a-stride, 

Quoth she, * 1 told thee what would come 

Of all thy vapouring, base scum ! 

Sa}^, Avill the law of arms allow 

I may have grace and quarter now ? 

Or wilt thou rather break thy word, 

And stain thine honour, than thy sword ? 

A man of war to damn his soul, 

In basely breaking his parole ; 

And when before the fight, th' had'st vow'd 

To give no quarter in cold blood ; 

Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 

To make m' against my will take quarter. 

Why dost not put me to the sword, 

But cowardly fly from thy word ? ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' The day's thine own ; 
Thou and thy stars have cast me down : 
My laurels are transplanted now, 
And flourish on thy conquering brow : 
My loss of honour's great enough, 
Thou ueedst not brand it with a scofl^ : 



)ANTO III. HUDIBIIAS. 119 

sarcasms may eclipse tliine own, 

But cannot blur my lost renown : 

[ am not now in Fortune's power, 

He that is do-vvn can fall no lower. 

riie ancient heroes were illustr'oiis 

For being benign, and not blustrous 

A^gainst a vanquish'd foe : their swords 

Were sharp and trenchant, not their words ; 

ind did in fight but cut work out 

lo' employ their coiirtesies about. ' 

Quoth she, ' Although thou hast deserv'd, 
Base Slubberdegullion ! to be serv'd 
A.S thou didst vow to deal with me, 
[f thou hadst got the victory, 
yet I shall rathgr act a part 
That suits my fame, than thy desert, 
riiy arms, thy liberty, beside 
Ml that's on th' outside of thy hide, 
Are mine by military law, 
Of which I will not bate one straw ; 
The rest, thy life and limbs, once more, 
Though doubly forfeit, I restore. ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' It is too late 
For me to treat or stipulate ; 
What thou command'st I must obey ; 
Yet those whom I expung'd to-day 
Of tliine own party, I let go, 
And gave them life and freedom too, 
Both Dogs and Bear, upon their parole. 
Whom I took prisoners in tliis quarrel.' 
Quoth Trulla, * Whether thou or they 
Let one another run av/ay. 
Concerns not me ; but a\ as't not thou 
That gave Crowdero quarter too ? 

VOL. I. I 



120 HUDIBRAS. PA 

Crowclero whom, in irons lioiind, 
Thou basely threw 'st into Lob's pound, 
"Where still he lies, and with regret 
His generous bowels rage and fret. 
But now thy carcass shall redeem, 
And serve to be exchang'd for him.' 

This said, the Knight did straight submit, 
And laid his weapons at her feet. 
Next he disrob'd nis gabardine, 
And with it did himself resign. 
She took it, and forthwith divesting 
The mantle that she wore, said jesting, 
* Take that, and wear it for my sake ; ' — 
Then threw it o'er his sturdy back. 
And as the French, we conquer'd once, 
Now give us law for pantaloons,' 
The length of breeches, and the gathers, 
I'ort-cannons, periwigs and feathers ; 
Just so the proud insulting lass 
Array'd and dighted Hudibras, 

Meanwhile the other champions, yerst 
In hurry of the fight disperst, 
Arriv'd, when Trulla won the day. 
To share i' th' honour and the prey, 
And out of Hudibras his hide 
With vengeance to be satisfied ; 
Which now they were about to pour 
Upon him in a wooden shower. 
But Trulla thrust herself between, 
And striding o'er his back again. 
She brandisht o'er her head his SAVord, 
And vow'd they should not break her word ; 
She 'ad giv'n him quarter, and her blood, 
Or theirs, should make that quarter good : 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAR. 121 

For she was bound, by law of arms, 
To see him safe from further harms. 
In dungeon deep Crowdero, cast 
By Hudibras, as yet lay fast, 
Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, 
His great heart made perpetual moans ; 
Him she resolv'd that Hudibras 
Should ransom, and supply his place. 

Thus stopp'd their fury, and the basting 
"Which towards Hudibras was hasting. 
They thought it was but just and right 
That what she had achiev'd in fight 
She should dispose of how she pleas'd ; 
Crowdero ought to be releas'd : 
Nor could that any way be done 
So well as this she pitch'd upon : 
For who a better could imagine ? 
This therefore they resolv'd t' ingage in. 
The Knight and Squire first they made 
Rise from the ground where they were laid, 
Then mounted both upon their horses, 
But with their faces to the a — s. 
Orsin led Hudibras's beast. 
And Talgol that which Ralpho prest ; 
Whom stout Magnano, yaliant Cerdon, 
And Colon, waited as a guard on ; 
All ushering TruUa in the rear. 
With the' arms of either prisoner, 
In this proud order and array 
They put themselves upon their way, 
Striving to reach the' inchanted Castle, 
Wliere stout Crowdero' in durance lay still. 
Thither with greater speed than shows 
And triumph over conquer'd foes 
I 2 



122 HUDIBEAS. PAr.T I. 

Do use to allow ; or than the Bears, 

Or pageants borne before lord-mayoi's, 

Are wont to use ; they soon arriv'd, 

In order soldier-like contriv'd, 

Still marching in a warlike posture, 

As fit for battle as for muster. 

The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, 

And bending 'gainst the fort their force, 

They all advanc'd, and round about 

Begirt the magical redoubt. 

Magnan' led up in this adventure, 

And made way for the rest to enter : 

For he was skilful in Black Art, 

No less than he that built the fort. 

And with an iron mace laid flat 

A breach, which straight all enter'd at, 

And in the wooden dungeon found 

Crowdero laid upon the ground : 

Him they release from durance base, 

Kestor'd to' his Fiddle and his case. 

And liberty, his thirsty rage 

With luscious vengeance to assuage ; 

For he no sooner was at large, 

But Trulla straight brouglit on the charge, 

And in the self-same limbo put 

The Knight and Squire where he was sliut ; 

"Where leaving them in Hockley-i'-th'-holc, 

Their bangs and durance to condole, 

Confin'd and conjur'd into narrow 

Enchanted mansion to know sorrow. 

In the same order and array 

"Which they advanc'd, they march'd away : 

But Hudibras, who scorn'd to stoop 

To Fortune, or be said to droop. 



3ANT0 III. HUDIBRAS. 123 

Cheer'd up himself with ends of verse, 
And sayings of philosophers. 

Quoth he, * Th' one half of man, his mind, 
Is, sui juris, unconfin'd, 
And cannot be laid by the heels, 
Whate'ei- the other moiety feels. 
'Tis not restraint, or liberty, 
That makes men prisoners or free ; 
But perturbations that possess 
rhe mind, or equanimities. 
The whole world was not half so wide 
To Alexander, when he cried. 
Because he had but one to subdue, 
As was a paltry narrow tub to 
Diogenes ; who is not said 
(For ought that ever I could read) 
To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob, 
Because he 'ad ne'er another tub. 
The Ancients make two several kinds 
Of prowess in heroic minds. 
The active and the passive val'ant, 
Both which are j?:>ari libra galLant ; 
For both to give blows, and to carry, 
In fights are equi-necessary : 
But in defeats the passive stout 
Are always found to stand it out 
Most desperately, and to out-do 
The active 'gainst a conquering foe. 
Though we with blacks and blues are suggill'd, 
Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell'd, 
He that is valiant, and dares fight, 
Though drubb'd, can lose no honour by't. 
Honour's a lease for lives to come, 
And cannot be extended from 



124 HUDIBRAS. PART I. I 

The legal tenant : 'tis a chattel, 
Not to be forfeited in battle. 
If he that in the field is slain, 
Be in the bed of Honour lain, 
He that is beaten may be said 
To lie in Honour's truckle-bed. 
For as we see the' eclipsed sun 
By mortals is more gaz'd upon 
Than when, adorn'd with all its lic;ht. 
He shines in serene sky most bright ; i 

So valour, in a low estate, | 

Is most admir'd and wonder'd at. * 
/ Quoth Ralph, ' How great I do not know 
"We may by being beaten grow ; 
But none, that see how here we sit, 
Will judge us overgrown with wit. 
As Gifted Brethren, preaching by 
A carnal hour-glass, 2 do imply 
Illumination can convey 

Into them what they have to say, | 

But not how much ; so well enough \ 

Know you to charge, but not draw off : 
For who, without a cap and bauble, 
Having subdued a Bear and rabble, 
And might with honour have come off, 
"Would put it to a second proof ? 

(2) In those days there was always an hour-glass stood by 
the pulpit, in a frame of iron made on iiurpoee for it, and 
fastened to the board on which the cushion lay, tlint it 
miglit be visible to the whole congregation ; who, if the 
sermon did not hold till the glass was out (which was 
turned up as soon as the text was taken), would say that 
the preacher was lazy ; and if he held ov,t much longer, 
would yawn, and stretch, and by those signs signify to the 
preacher that they began to be weary of his discourse, and 
wanted to be dismissed. 



lANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 125 

!l politic exploit, right fit 

^or Presbyterian zeal and wit.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' That cuckoo's tone, 
5alpho, thou always harp'st upon : _ 
vVhen thou at any thing wouldst rail, 
rhou tak'st Presbytery, thy scale, 
To take the height on't and explain 
To what degree it is proftme : 
Whats'ever will not with (thy what-d'-ye-call) 
rhy Light jump right, thou call'st Synodical : 
As if Presbytery were a standard 
To size whats'ever's to be slander' d. 
Dost not remember how this day 
Thou to my beard was bold to say. 
That thou couldst prove Bear-baiting equal 
With Synods, orthodox and legal ? 
Do, if thou canst, for I deny't, 
And dare thee to't with all thy light.' 

Quoth Ealpho, ' Truly that is no 
Hard matter for a man to do, 
That has but any guts in's brains, 
And could believe it worth his pains : 
But since you dare and urge me to it, 
You'll find I've light enough to do it. 
' Synods are mystical Bear-gardens, 
"Where Elders, Deputies, Church -wardens, 
And other Members of the Court, 
Manage the Babylonish sport ; 
For Prolocutor, Scribe, and Bear-ward^ 
Do differ only in a mere word. 
Both are but several synagogues 
Of carnal men, and Bears and Dogs : 
Both antichristian assemblies, 

To mischief bent as far's in them lies : 



126 IIUDIBRAS. PAR'I 

Both stave and tail, with fierce contests, 

The one with men, the otlier beasts. 

The difference is, the one fights with 

The tongue, the other with the teetli ; 

And that they bait but Bears in this, 

In the' other Souls and Consciences ; 

Where Saints themselves are brought to stake 

For Gospel-light and Conscience' sake ; 

Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters, 

Instead of Mastive Dogs and Curs ; 

Than whom they 'ave less humanity, 

For these at souls of men will fly, 

This to the Prophet did appear. 

Who in a vision saw a Bear, 

Prefiguring the beastly rage 

Of church-rule, in this latter age ; 

As is demonstrated at full 

By him that baited the Pope's Bull. 

Bears naturally are beasts of prey, 

That live by rapine ; so do they. 

What are their Orders, Constitutions, 

Church-censures, Curses, Absolutions, 

But several mystic chains they make. 

To tie poor Christians to the stake ? 

And then set Heathen officers, 

Instead of Dogs about their ears. 

For to prohiliit and dispense, 

To find out, or to make offence ; 

Of hell and heaven to dispose. 

To play with souls at fast and loose ; 

To set what characters they please, 

And mulcts on sin or godliness ; 

Reduce the Church to Gospel-order, 

By rapine, sacrilege, and murder ; 



ANTO III. nUDIBRAS!. 127 

'o make Presbytery supreme, 

.nd Kings themselves submit to them ; 

.11(1 force all people, though against 

'heir consciences, to turn Saints ; 

lust prove a pretty thriving trade, 

Vlien Saints monopolists are made : 

7hen pious frauds and holy shifts 

.re Dispensations and Gifts, 

'here godliness becomes mere ware, 

Lud every Synod l)ut a fair. 

ynods are whelps o' th' Inquisition, 

. mungrel breed of lihe pernicion, 

-ud growing up, became the sires 

'f Scribes, Commissioners, and Triers ; 

Hiose business is, by cunning sleight, 

cast a figure for men's light, 

find, in lines of beard and face, 

he physiognomy of Grace ; ^ 

nd by the sound and twang of nose, 

[ all be sound within disclose ; 

ree from a crack or flaw of sinning, 

s men try pipkins by the ringing ; 

y black caps underlaid with white, 

ive certain guess at inward light ; 

Hiicli Serjeants at the Gospel wear, 

o make the Spiritual Calling clear. 

he handkerchief about the neck 

canonical cravat of Smec,^ 

(3) These Tryers pretended to great skill in this respect; 
id if they disliked the beard or face of a man, they would, 
r that reason alone, refuse to admit him, when presented to 
living, unless he had some powerful friend to support him. 

(4) Smectymnus was a word of five parliamentarians, the 
itials of whose nnnies formed the word ; they Avore hand- 
inihiefs about thoir necks for a mark of distinctiou. 



128 HUDIBRAS. Pj 

From whom the institution came, 

When Church and State they set on flame, 

And worn by them as badges then 

Of Spiritual Warfaring-men) 

Judge rightly if Regeneration 

Be of the newest cut in fashion : 

Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion, 

That Grace is founded in dominion. 

Great piety consists in pride ; 

To rule is to be sanctified : 

To domineer, and to control, 

Both o'er the body and the soul. 

Is the most perfect discipline 

Of Church-rule, and by riglit divane. 

Bell and the Dragon's chaplains were 

More moderate than these by far : 

For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, 

To get their wives and children meat ; 

But these will not be fobb'd off so, 

They must have wealth and power too ; 

Or else with blood and desolation 

They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation. 

' Sure these themselves from primitive 
And Heathen priesthood to derive, 
Wlien Butchers were the only clerks, 
Elders and Presbyters of Kirks ; 
Whose directory was to kill, 
And some believe it is so still. 
The oidy difterence is, that then 
They slaughter'd only beasts, now men. 
For then to sacrifice a bullock. 
Or, now and then, a child, to Moloch, 
They count a vile abomination. 
But uot to slaughter a whole nation. 



CANTO III. HUDIBEAS. 129 

Presbytery does but translate 

The Papacy to a free state : 

A common-wealth of Popery, 

Where every village is a See 

As well as Eome, and must maintain 

A tithe-pig metropolitan ; 

Where every Presbyter and Deacon 

Commands the keys for cheese and bacon, 

And every hamlet's governed 

By's Holiness, the Church's head, 

More haughty and severe in's place, 

Than Gregory and Boniface, 

Such Church must, surely, be a monster 

With many heads : for if we conster 

What in the' Apocalypse we find. 

According to the' Apostle's mind, 

'Tis that the Whore of Babylon 

AVith many heads did ride upon, 

Which heads denote the sinful tribe 

Of Deacon, Priest, Lay-elder, Scribe. 

' Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi, 
Whose little finger is as heavy 
As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate, 
And bishop-secular. This zealot 
Is of a mungrel, diverse kind. 
Cleric before, and Lay behind ; 
A lawless linsie-woolsie brother, 
Half of one order, half another ; 
A creature of amphibious nature, 
On land a beast, a fish in water : 
That always preys on grace or sin ; 
A sheep without, a Avolf within. 
This fierce inquisitor has chief 
Dominion over men's belief 



130 nUDIBRAS, PART I. 

And manners ; can pronoiince a saint 
Idolatrous, or ignorant, 
"When superciliously he sifts 
Through coarsest boulter others' gifts : 
For all men live and judge amiss. 
Whose talents jump not just with his : 
He'll lay on Gifts with hands, and place 
On dullest noddle Light and Grace, 
The manufacture of the Kirk ; 
Those pastors are but the' handy-work 
Of his mechanic paws, instilling 
Divinity in them by feeling : 
From whence they start up Chosen Vessels, 
Made by contact, as men get measles. 
So Cardinals, they say, do grope 
At t'other end the new-made Pope.' 

* Hold, hold,' quoth Hudibras, ' soft fire, 
They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, 
Fcstina Icntc, not too fast, 
For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. 
The quirks and cavils thou dost make 
Are false, and built upon mistake : 
And I shall bring you, with your pack 
Of fallacies, to' Elenchi back ; 
And put your arguments in mood 
And figure to be understood. 
ril force you by right ratiocination" 
To leave your vitilitigation, 
And make you keep to the' question close, 
And argue dialedicccs,^ 

' The question then, to state it first, 
Is, " Wliich is better or which Avorst, 

(5) According to the rules of logio. 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 131 

Synods or Bears ? " Bears 1 avow 
To be the worst, and Synods tliou ; 
But to make good tli' assertion, 
Thou say'st, they're really all one. 
If so, not worse ; for if they're idemy 
Why then toMtundein dat tantidcin. 
For if they are the same, by course 
Neither is better, neither worse. 
But I deny they are the same. 
More than a maggot and I am. 
That both are animalia 
I grant, but not rcdionalia : 
For though they do agree in kind, 
SiDecihc diilerence we find ; 
And can no more make Bears of these, 
Than X)rove my horse is Socrates. 
That Synods are Bear-gardens, too, 
Thou dost affirm ; but I say No : 
And thus T prove it, in a word ; 
Whats'ever Assembly's not impow'r'd 
To Censure, Curse, Absolve, and ordain, 
Can be no Synod ; but Bear-garden 
Has no such pow'r ; ergo, 'tis none, 
And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown. 

' But yet we are beside the qucst'on 
Which thou didst raise the first contest on ; 
For that was, ' ' AVhether Bears are better 
Than Synod-men? " I say Negatur. 
That Bears are beasts, and Synods men. 
Is held by all : they're better then ; 
For Bears and Dogs on four legs go. 
As beasts ; but Synod-men on two. 
'Tis true they all have teeth and nails ; 
But prove that Synod-men have tails ; 



1 



132 HUDIBRAS. TART I. 

Or that a rngged shaggy fur 
Grows o'er the hyde of Presbyter ; 
Or that his snout and spacious ears 
Do hold proportion with a Bear's. 
A Bear's a savage beast of all 
Most ugly and unnatural ; 
Whelp'd without form, until the dam 
Has lickt it into shape and frame : 
But all thy light can ne'er evict, 
That ever Synod-man was lickt, 
Or brought to any other fashion 
Than his own will and inclination. 

' But thou dost further yet in this 
Oppugn thyself and sense ; that is, 
Thou wouldst have Presbyters to go 
For Bears and Dogs, and Bear- wards too : 
A strange chimera of beasts and men, 
Made up of pieces heterogene ; 
Such as in Nature never met 
In eodem suhjecto yet. 

* Thy other arguments are all 
Supposures hypothetical, 
That do but beg ; and we may choose 
Either to grant them, or refuse. 
Much thou hast said, which I know when 
And where thou stnl'st from other men, 
(Whereby 'tis plain thy Light and Gifts 
Are all but plagiary shifts) 
And is the same that Ranter ^ said, 
Who, arguing with me, broke my head, 

(6) The Ranters were a vile sect that sprung up in those 
times. Alexander Ross observes, 'That they held that 
God, devil, anpels, heaven, and hell, <Sjc. were fictions and 
fables : that Mosos, John Baptist, and Christ, were ini- 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 133 

And tore a liandful of my licard ; 
The self-same cavils then I heard, 
"When b'nig in hot dispute al^out 
This controversy, we fell out ; 
And what thou know'st I answer 'd then, 
Will serve to answer thee again.' 

Quoth Ralpho, ' Nothing but>th' abuse 
Of human learning you produce ; 
Learning/ that cobweb of the brain, 
Profane, erroneous, and vain ; 
A trade of knowledge as replete, 
As others are with fraud and cheat ; 
An art to' incumber Gifts and wit, 
And render both for nothing lit ; 
Makes Light unactive, dull and troubled, 
Like little David in Saul's doublet : 
A cheat that scholars put upon 
Other men's reason and their own ; 
A fort of error, to ensconce 
Absurdity and ignorance. 
That renders all the avenues 
To truth, impervious and abstruse, 
By making plain things in debate. 
By art perplext and intricate : 

posters ; and what Christ and the Apostles acquainted the 
world with, as to matter of religion, perished with them : 
that preaching and praying are useless, and that in-eaching 
is but public lying ; that there is an end of all ministry and 
administrations, and people are to be taught immediately 
from God, &c. 

(7) 'Twas the opinion of those tinkers, tailors, &c. who 
governed Chelmsford at the beginning of tlie Rebellion, 
'That learning had always been an enemy to the Gospel, 
and that it were a happy thing if there were no univei'sities, 
and that all books were burnt except the Bible.' 



134 IIUDIBRAS. PART I. 

For uotliing goes for Sense or Light, 

That will not with old rules jum]i right ; 

As if rules were not in the schools 

Deriv'd from truth, but truth from rules. 

This Pagan, Heathenish invention 

Is good for nothing but contention : 

For as in sword-and-buckler light, 

All blows do on the target light ; 

So when men argue, the great'st part 

O' the contest falls on terms of art, 

Until the fustian stufl' be spent, 

And then they fall to tli' argument.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' Friend Ralph, thou hast 

Outrun the constable at last : 

For thou art fallen on a new 

Dispute, as senseless as untrue, 

But to the former opposite, 

And contrary as black to white ; 

^lere dwpnrata ; « that concerning 

Presbytery ; this, human learning ; 

Two things so averse, they never yet 

But in thy rambling fancy met. 

But I shall take a fit occasion 

To' evince thee by' ratiocination, 

Some other time, in ])lace more proper 

Than this we're in ; therefore let's stop here, 

And rest our wearied bones a while, 

Already tir'd with other toil.' 

(8) Bisparata] Things separate and unlike. 



HUDIBRAS. 



PART 11. CANTO I. 




THE ARGUMENT. 

The Knight, by damnable Magician, 
Being cast illegally in prison, 
Love brings his action on the case, 
And lays it upon Hudibras. 
How he receives the Lady's visit, 
And cunningly solicits his suit, 
Which she defers ; yet on parole, 
Redeems him from the' enchanted hole. 



HUDIBKAS. 



PART II. CANTO II. 

But now, to' observe Eomantic method, 

Let bloody steel a while be sheathed ; 

And all those harsh and rugged sounds 

Of bastinados, cuts, and wounds, 

Exchang'd to love's more gentle style, 

To let our reader breathe a while : 

In which, that we may be as brief as 

Is possible, by way of preface, 

Is't not enough to make one strange, 

That some men's fancies should ne'er change, 

But make all people do and say 

The same things still the self-same way ? 

Some writers make all ladies purloin'd, 

And knights pursuing like a whirlwind : 

Others make all their knights, in fits 

Of jealousy, to lose their wits ; 

Till drawing blood o' tli' dames, like witcheSj 

They're forthwith cur'd of their caprichos. 

Some always thrive in their amours, 

By pulling plaisters off their sores ; 

As cripples do to get an alms, 

Just so do they, and win their dames. 

Some force whole regions, in dispite 

0' geography, to change their site ; 

Make former tim^s shake hands with latter, 

And that which was before come after. 

But those that write in rhyme still make 

VOL. I. K 



138 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

The one verse for the other's sake ; 
For one for sense, and one for rhyme, 
I thiuk's suliieient at one time. 

But we forget in what sad ]dight 
We whilom left the captiv'd Knight 
And pensive Squire, both bruis'd in body, 
And conjur'd into safe custody, 
Tir'd with dispute, and speaking Tjatin, 
As well as basting and Bear-baiting, 
And desperate of any course. 
To free himself by wit or force. 
His only solace was, that now 
His dog-bolt fortune was so low, 
Til at either it must quickly end. 
Or turn about again, and mend, 
In which he found the' event, no less 
Than other times, beside his guess. 

There is a tall long-sided dame, 
(But Avondi-ous light) ycleped Fame, 
That like a thin camelion boards 
Herself on air, and eats her words^ ; 
U])on her shoulders wings she wears 
Like hanging sleeves, lin'd through with ears. 
And eyes, and tongues, as poets list. 
Made good by deep mythologist : 
With thi.'se she through the welkin flies, 
And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ; 
With letters hung, like eastern pigeons, 
And Mercuries of furthest regions ; 

(1) The bennty of this consists in t)io donble moaning ; 
the first alludes to Fame's living on report. The second is 
an insinuation, that if a report is naiiowly inquired into, and 
traced up to the original author, it is ruade to contradict 
itself. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS, 139 

Diurnals "vviit for regulation 
Of lying, to inform the nation, 
And by their public use to bring doAvn 
The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. 
About her neck a pacquet-mail, 
Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, 
Of men that walk'd when they were dead, 
And cows of monsters brought to bed ; 
Of hailstones as big as pullets' eggs, 
And puppies whelp'd with twice two legs ; 
A blazing- star seen in the west, 
By six or seven men at least. 
Two trumpets she does sound at once, 
But both of clean contrary tones ; 
But whether both with the same wind, 
Or one before, and one behind, 
We know not, only this can tell. 
The one sounds vilely, t' other well ; 
And therefore vulgar authors name 
Th' one Good, th' other Evil Fame. 
This tattling gossip knew too well 
What mischief Hudibras befel. 
And straight the spiteful tidings bears 
Of all, to the' unkind Widow's ears. 
Democritus never laugh'd so loud. 
To see bawds carted through the crowd, 
Or funerals, with stately pomp, 
March slowly on in solemn dump. 
As she laugh'd out, until her back, 
As well as sides, was like to crack. 
She vow'd she would go see the sight, 
And visit the distressed Knight ; 
To do the office of a neighbour. 
And be a gossip at his labour ; 
K 2 



UO HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

And from his wooden jail, the stocks, 
To set at large his fetter-locks ; 
And by exchange, parole, or ransom, 
To free him from the' inchanted mansion. 
This b'ing resolv'd, she call'd for hood 
And usher, implements abroad 
Which ladies wear, beside a slender 
Young waiting damsel to attend her. 
All which appearing, on she went 
To find the Knight, in limbo pent : 
And 'twas not long before she found 
Him and his stout Squire in the pound ; 
Both coupled in inchanted tether, 
By further leg behind together : 
For as he sat upon his rump, 
His head, like one in doleful dump, 
Between his knees, his hands aiij)lied 
Unto his ears on either side. 
And by him, in another hole. 
Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by joul. 
She came upon him in his wooden 
Magician's circle, on the sudden, 
As spirits do to' a conjuror, 
"When in their dreadful shapes th' appear. 

No sooner did the Knight perceive her. 
But straight he fell into a fever, 
Inflam'd all over with disgrace. 
To be seen by her in such a place ; 
Which made him hang his head, and scowl, 
And \vink, and goggle like an owl : 
He felt his brains begin to swim. 
When thus the Dame accosted him. 

* This place,' quoth she, ' they say's inchanted, 
And with delinquent spirits haunted. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 141 

That here are tied in chains, and scourg'd, 
Until their guilty crimes be purg'd : 
Look, there are two of them appear, 
Like persons I have seen somewhere. 
Some have mistaken blocks and posts 
For spectres, apparitions, ghosts. 
With sauicer-eyes, and horns ; and some 
Have heard the devil beat a drum ; 
But if our eyes are not false glasses, 
That give a wrong account of faces. 
That beard and I should be acquainted, 
Before 'twas conjur'd and inchanted ; 
For though it be disfigur'd somewhat, 
As if 't had lately been in combat, 
It did belong to' a worthy Knight, 
Howe'er this goblin has come by't.' 

When Hudibras the Lady heard 
Discoursing thus upon his beard, 
And speak with such respect and honour 
Both of the beard and the beard's owner, 
He thought it best to set as good 
A face upon it as he cou'd. 
And thus he spoke : * Lady, your bright 
And radiant eyes are in the right ; 
The beard's th' identic beard you knew, 
The same numerically true ; 
Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, 
But its proprietor himself.' 

' heavens ! ' quoth she, ' can that be true ? 
I do begin to fear 'tis you ; 
Not by your individual whiskers, 
But by your dialect and discourse. 
That never spoke to man or beast 
In notions vulgarly exprest : 



142 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

But what malignant, star, alas ! 

Has brought you both to this sad pass ? ' 

Quoth he, ' The fortune of the war ; 
Wliich I am less afflicted for. 
Than to be seen with beard and face 
By you in such a homely case. ' 

Quoth she, ' Those need not be asham'd 
For being honourably maim'd ; 
If he that is in battle conquer'd, 
Have any title to his own beard. 
Though your's be sorely lugg'd and torn, 
It does your visage more adorn 
Than if 'twere prun'd, and starch'd, and lander'd, 
And cut square by the Eussian standard 2, 
A torn beard's like a tatter'd ensign, 
That's bravest which there are most rents in. 
That petticoat about your shoulders. 
Docs not so well become a soldier's ; 
And I 'm afraid they are worse handled, 
Although i' th' rear, your beard the van led ; 
And those imeasy bruises make 
My heart for company to ache. 
To see so worshipful a friend 
r til' pilory set, at the wrong eud.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' This thing call'd Pain, 
Is (as the learned Stoics maintain) 
Not bad simpliciter, nor good, 
But merely, as 'tis understood. 
Sense is deceitful, and may feign 
As well in counterfeiting pain 



(2) Giles F!ntoher, in his account of Russia, says that 
the Russian nobi ity nourish and .spread tlicir beards to 
have theui lung and broad. 



CANTO I. IIUDIBRAS. 143 

As other gross phcenomcnas 

In which, it oft mistakes the case. 

But since the' immortal intellect 

(That's free from error and defect, 

Whose objects still persist the same) 

Is free from outward bruise or maim, 

Which nought external can expose 

To gi-oss material bangs or blows, 

It follows we can ne'er be sure 

Whether we pain or not endure, 

And just so far are sore and griev'd 

As by the fancy is believ'd. 

Some have been wounded with conceit, 

And died of mere opinion straight ; 

Others, though wounded sore in reason, 

Felt no contusion, nor discretion. 

A Saxon duke did grow so fat. 

That mice (as histories relate) 

Ate grots and labyrinths to dwell in 

His postic parts without his feeling ; 

Then how is't possible a kick 

Should e'er reach that way to the quick ? ' 

Quoth she, ' I grant it is in vain 
For one that's basted to feel pain. 
Because the pangs his bones endure 
Contribute nothing to the cure ; 
Yet honour hurt is wont to rage 
With pain no med'cine can assuage. ' 

Quoth he, ' That honour's very squeamish, 
That takes a basting for a blemish : 
For what's more hon'rable than scars. 
Or skin to tatters rent in wars ? 
Some have been beaten till they know 
What wood a cudgel's of, by th' blow : 



144 nUDIBRAS. PAET II. 

Some kick'd, until they can feel whether 

A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ; 

And yet have met, after long running, 

With some whom they have taught that cunning. 

The furthest way about, to' o'ercome. 

In the' end does prove the nearest home. 

By laws of learned duellists 

They that are bruis'd with wood or fists. 

And think one beating may for once 

Suffice, are cowards and poltroons ; 

But if they dare engage to' a second. 

They're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd. 

* "rhe' old Romans freedom did bestow, 
Our princes worship, with a blow. 
King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetic 
And testy courtiers vnth a kick. 
The Negus^, when some mighty lord 
Or potentates to be restor'd. 
And pardon'd for some great-offence, 
"V\''ith which he's willing to dispense, 
First has him laid upon his belly, 
Then beaten back and side, to' a jelly ; 
That done, he rises, humbly bows. 
And gives thanks for the princely blows ; 
Departs not meanly proud and boasting 
Of his magnificent rib-roasting. 
The beaten soldier proves most manful, 
That, like his sword, endures the anvil, 
And justly's hold more formidable. 
The more his valour's malleable : 
But he that fears a bastinado, 
Will run away from his own shadow : 

(S) Negus. The King of Ethiopia. 



CANTO I. HUDIERAS. 145 

And thougli I'm now in durance fast, 
By oui' own party basely cast, 
Ransom, exchange, parole, refus'd. 
And worse than by the" enemy ns'd ; 
In close castata ^ shut, past hope 
Of wit or valour to elope ; 
As beards, the nearer that they tend 
To the' earth, still grow more reverend ; 
And cannons shoot the higher pitches, 
The lower we let down their breeches ; 
I'll make this low dejected fate 
Advance me to a greater height.' 

Quoth she, * You 'ave almost made me' in love 
"With that which did my pity move. 
Great wits and valours, like great states, 
Do sometimes sink with their own weights : 
The' extremes of glory and of shame, 
Like east and west, become the same. 
No Indian prince has to his palace 
More followers than a thief to the gallows. 
But if a beating seem so brave, 
What glories must a whipping have ? 
Such great achievements cannot fail 
To cast salt on a woman's tail : 
For if I thought your natural talent 
Of passive courage were so gallant. 
As you strain hard to have it thought, 
I could grow amorous, and dote. ' 

When Hudibras this language heard, 
He prick'd up's ears, and strok'd his beard. 
Thought he, this is the lucky hour ; 
Wines work when vines are in the flower : 

(4) Castata. A cage or prison, in which the Romans 
locked up their slaves that were to be sold. 



146 HUDIBEAS. PART II. 

This crisis then I'll set my rest on, 
And put her boldly to the quest'on. 

' iladam, what you would seem to doubt, 
Shall be to all the world made out ; 
How I've been drubb'd, and with what spirit 
And magniminity I bear it ; 
And if you doubt it to be true, 
I'll stake myself down against you ; 
And if I fail in love or troth, 
Be you the winner, and take botlu' 

Quoth she, ' I've heard old cunning stagers 
Say, fools for arguments use wagers ; 
And though I prais'd your valour, yet 
I did not mean to baulk your wit ; 
Which if you have, you must needs know 
What I have told you before now. 
And you b' experiment have prov'd, 
I cannot love where I'm belov'd.' 

Quoth Hudibras, * 'Tis a caprich 
Beyond the' mfliction of a witch ; 
So cheats to play with those still aim, 
That do not understand the game. 
Love in your heart as idly burns 
As fire m antique Roman urns 
To Avarm the dead, and vainly light 
Those only that see nothing by't. 
Have 5'-ou not power to entertain, 
And render love for love again ; 
As no man can draw in his breath 
At once, and force out air beneath? 
Or do you love yourself so much. 
To bear all rivals else a grutch ? 
What fate would lay a greater curse 
Thau you upon yourself would fores ? 



CANTO I. HTTDIBEAS. 141 

For wedlock without love, some say, 
Is but a lock witliout a key. 
It is a kind of rape to marry 
One that neglects, or cares not for ye : 
For what does make it ravishment, 
Jjut b'iiig against the mind's consent ? 
xi rape that is the more inhuman, 
For being acted by a woman. 
Why are you fair, but to entice us 
To love you, that you may despise us ? 
But though you cannot love, you sa}'-, 
Out of your own fanatic way, 
AYhy should you not at least allow 
Those that love you to do so too ? 
For, as you fly me, and pursue 
Love more averse, so I do you ; 
And am by your own doctrine taught 
To practise what you call a fault. ' 

Quoth she, ' If what you say is true, 
You must fly me as I do you ; 
But 'tis not what we do, but say. 
In love and preaching, that must sway. * 

Quoth he, ' To bid me not to love, 
Is to forbid my pulse to move, 
My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 
Or (when I'm in a fit) to hickup. 
Command me to p— ss out the moon. 
And 'twill as easily be done. 
Love's power's too great to be withstood 
By feeble human flesh and blood. 
'Twas he that brought upon his knees 
The hectoriug kill-cow Hercules ; 
Trausform'd his leager-lion's skin 
To' a petticoat, and made him spin ; 



148 HTJDIBr.AS. Tj 

Seized on his club, and made it dwindle 
To' a feeble distaff and a spindle. 
'Twas he that made Emperors gallants 
To their own sisters and their aunts ; 
Set Popes and Cardinals agog, 
To play with pages at leap-frog : 
'Twas he that gave our Senate purges, 
And fluxt the House of many a burgess 
Made those that represent the nation, 
Submit, and suffer amputation ; 
And all the Grandees o' th' Cabal 
Adjourn to tubs at spring and fall. 
He mounted Synod men and rode 'em 
To Dirty- Lane and Little Sodom ; 
Made 'em curvet like Spanish Jenets, 

And take the rmg at Madam 5 

'Twas he that made St. Francis do 
"More than the devil could tempt him to, 

la cold and frosty weather grow 

""^namoured of a wife of snow ; 
^nd though she were of "rigid temper. 
With melting flames accost and tempt her, 
AVhich after in enjoyment quenching. 
He hung a garland on his engine.' 

Quoth she, ' If love have these effects, 
Why is it not forbid our sex ? 
AVhy is't not damn'd, and interdicted, 
For diabolical and wicked ? 



(5) Stenwet was the name dashed, (says Sir Roger 
L'Estrange) ' Her husband was by profession a broom-man, 
and lay-elder. She followed tlie laudable employment of 
bawding, and managed several intrigues for those Brothers 
and Sisters whose purity consisted chiefly in the 'whitenesi 
of their Unea.' —Key to Hudibras. 



CANTO I. HUDIBEAS. x4<f 

And Sling, as out of tune, against, 
As Turk and Pope are by the Saints ? 
I find I've greater reason for it, 
Than I believ'd before, to' abhor it. * 

Quoth Hudibras, * These sad effects 
Spring from your Heathenish neglects 
Of Love's great pow'r, which he returns 
Upon yourselves with equal scorns, 
And those who worthy lovers slight, 
Plagues with prepost'rous appetite : 
This made the beauteous Queen of Crete 
To take a town-bull for her sweet ; 
And from her greatness stoop so low, 
To be the rival of a cow : 
Others to prostitute their great hearts, 
To be baboons' and monkeys' sweethearts : 
Some with the devil himself in league grow, 
By's representative a Negro. 
'Twas this made Vestal maid love-sick, 
And venture to be buried quick : 
Some by their fathers and their brothers 
To be made mistresses and mothers. 
'Tis this that proudest dames enamours 
On lacquies, and valets dcs chamhrcs ; 
Their haughty stomachs overcomes, 
And makes 'em stoop to dirty grooms ; 
To slight the world, and to disparage 
Claps, issue, infamy, and marriage. ' 

Quoth she, ' These judgments are severe, 
Yet such as I should rather bear 
Than trust men with their oaths, or prove 
Their faith and secresy in love. ' 

Says he, ' There is a weighty reason 
For secresy in love, as treason. 



150 HUDIBllAS. PART II. 

Love is a l3urglarer, a felon, 

That at the window-eye does steal in, 

To rob the heart, and with his -pvey 

Steals out again a closer way. 

Which whosoever can discover. 

He's sure (as he deserves) to suffer. 

Love is a tire, that burns and sparkles 

In men, as uat'rally' as in charcoals, 

Which sooty chemists stop in holes, 

When out of wood they extract coals ; 

So lovers should their passions choke, 

That though they burn they may not smoke. 

'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole 

And dragg'd beasts backward into's hole ; 

So love does lovers, and us men 

Draws by the tails into his den. 

That no impression may discover. 

And trace to' his cave the wary lover. 

But if you doubt I should reveal 

What you entrust me under seal, 

I'll prove myself as close and virtuous 

As your own secretary, Albertus. ' ^ 

Quoth she, ' I grant you may be close 
In hiding what your aims propose : 
Love-passions are like parables. 
By which men still mean something else : 
Though love be all the world's pretence, 
Money's the mythologic sense. 
The real substance of the shadow. 
Which all address and courtship's made to. ' 

Thought he, ' I understand your play. 
And how to (piit you your own way ; 

(6) Albertus Magnus wrote a book Dc Secretis Mulieruin. 



ANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 161 

le that will win liis dame must do 
;Ls Love does, Avhen he bends his boAV ; 
^^ith one hand thrust the lady from, 
vnd with the other pull her home.' 
1 gi-ant, ' quoth he, ' wealth is a great 
Provocative to amorous heat : 
:t is all philtres and high diet. 
That makes love rampant, and to fly out : 
Tis beauty always in the flower, 
riiat buds and blossoms at fourscore : 
Tis that by which the sun and moon, 
At their own weapons are outdone : 
rhat makes knights- errant fall ki trances, 
And lay about 'em in romances : 
'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all 
That men divine and sacred call : 
For what is worth in any tiling, 
But so much money as 'twill bring? 
Or what but riches is there known, 
AVhich man can solely call his own, 
In which no creature goes his half, 
Unless it be to squint and laugh ? 
I do confess with goods and land, 
I'd have a wife at second hand ; 
And such you are : nor is't your person 
My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on ; 
But 'tis (your better part) your riches. 
That my enamour'd heart bewitches : 
Let me your fortune but possess. 
And settle your person how you please, 
Or make it o'er in trust to the' d'vil, 
You'll find me reasonable and civil. ' 

Quoth she, ' I like this plainness better 
Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter. 



152 HUDIBBAS. PART II. 

Or any feat of qualm or soun'ing, 

But hanging of yourself, or disowning ; 

Your only way witli me to break 

Your mind is breaking of your neck : 

For as wlien merchants break, o'erthrown 

Like nine-pins, they strike others down ; 

So that would break my heart, which done, 

My tempting fortune is your own. 

These are but trifles ; every lover 

"Will damn himself over and over, 

And greater matters undertake 

For a less worthy mistress' sake : 

Yet they're the only ways to prove 

The' unfeign'd realities of love : 

For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, 

The devil's in him if he feigns.' 

Quoth Hudibras, * This way's too rough 
For mere experiment and proof ; 
It is no jesting, trivial matter, 
To swing i' th' air, or douce in water, 
And like a water-witch try love ; 
That's to destroy, and not to prove : 
As if a man should be dissected, 
To find what part is disaffected : 
Your better way is to make over, 
In trust, your fortune to your lover : 
Trust is a trial ; if it break, 
'Tis not so desperate as a neck : 
Beside the experiment's more certain ; 
Men venture necks to gain a fortune : 
The soldier does it every day 
(Eight to the week) for sixpence pay ; 
Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 
To share with knaves in cheating fools ; 



CANTO I. IIUDIBllAS. 153 

And raercliants, venturing tliroiigli tlie main, 
Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain : 
This is the way I advise you to ; 
Trust me, and see Avhat I will do. ' 

Quoth she, * I should be loth to run 
Myself all the' hazard, and you none. 
Which must be done, unless some deed 
Of your's aforesaid do precede : 
Give yom-self but one gentle swing. 
For trial, and I'll cut the string ; 
Or give that reverend head a maul 
Or two, or three, against a wall. 
To show you are a man of mettle. 
And I'll engage myself to settle.' 

Quoth he, * My head's not made of brass, 
As Friar Bacon's noddle was. 
Nor (like the Indian's skull) so tough. 
That, authors say, 'twas musket-proof ; 
As it had need to be, to enter 
As yet, on any new adventure : 
You see what bangs it has endur'd, 
That would, before new feats, be cur'd : 
But if that's all you stand upon. 
Here strike me Luck, it shall be done. ' 

Quoth she, ' The matter's not so far gone 
As you suppose, two words to' a bargain ; 
That may be done, and time enough, 
When you have given downright proof; 
And yet 'tis no fantastic pique 
I have to love, nor coy dislike ; 
'Tis no implicit, nice aversion 
To' your conversation, mien, or person, 
But a just fear, lest you should prove 
False and perfidious in love : 

VOL. I. L 



154 HUDtriRAS, FAE 

For if I thought you could be true, 
I could love twice as much as you. ' 

Quoth he, ' My faith as adamantine 
As chains of Destiny, I'll maintain : 
True as Apollo ever spoke, 
Or oracle from heart of oak ; 
And if you'll give my flame but vent, 
Now in close hugger-mugger pent, 
And shine upon me but benignly, 
"With that one, and that other pigsney, 
The sun and day shall sooner part, 
Than love or you shake off my heart ; 
The sun, that shall no more dispense 
His own, but your bright influence. 
I'll carve your name on barks of trees, 
With true -love -knots and flourishes, 
That shall infuse eternal spring, 
And everlasting flourishing ; 
Drink every letter on't in stum, 
Aud make it brisk Champaign become. 
Where'er you tread, your foot shall set 
The primrose and the violet ; 
All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders, 
Shall borrow from your breath their odours ; 
Nature her charter shall renew, 
And take all lives of things from you ; 
The world depend upon your eye. 
And when you frown upon it, die : 
Only our loves shall still survive. 
New worlds and Nature's to outlive, 
And like to herald's moons remain. 
All crescents, without change or wane.' 

' Hold, hold,' quoth she, ' no more of this. 
Sir Knight, you take your aim amiss ; 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 155 

For you will find it a hard chapter, 
To catch me with poetic rapture, 
In which your Mastery of Art 
Doth show itself, and not your heart : 
ITor will you raise in mine combustion, 
By dint of high heroic fustian. 
She that with poetry is won, 
Is but a desk to write upon, 
And what men say of her, they mean 
No more than on the thing they lean. 
Some with Arabian spices strive 
To' embalm her cruelly alive ; 
Or season hei;, as French cooks use 
Their haut-goicts boullies or ragouts : 
Use her so barbarously ill, 
To grind her lips upon a mill, 
Until the facet doublet doth 
Fit their rhymes rather than her mouth : 
Her mouth, compar'd to' an oyster's, with 
,A row of pearl iu't, 'stead of teeth. 
Others make posies of her cheeks, 
Where red and whitest colours mix ; 
In which the lily and the rose, 
For Indian lake and ceruse goes. 
The sun and moon, by her bright eyes, 
Eclips'd, and darken'd in the skies, 
Are but black patches, that she Avears, 
Cut into suns, and moons, and stars ; 
By which astrologers, as well 
As those in Heav n above can tell 
What strange events they do foreshow 
Unto her under-world below. 
Her voice, the music of the spheres, 
So loud, it deafens mortals' ears, 
l2 



156 HUDIBRAS. PAKT II. 

As wise philosophers have thought, 

And that's the cause we hear it not. 

Tliis has been done hy some, who those 

Th' ador'd in rhyme, wouhl kick in prose ; 

And in those ribbons would have hung, 

Of which melodiously they sung ; 

That have the hard fate to write best 

Of those still that deserve it least ; 

It matters not how false or forc'd. 

So the best things be said o' th' worst ; 

It goes for nothing when 'tis said, 

Only the arrows drawn to th' head, 

Whether it be a swan or goose 

They level at : so shepherds use 

To set the same mark on the hip * 

Of both their sound and rotten sheep : 

For wits that carry low or wide. 

Must be aimed higher or beside 

The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh, 

But when they take their aim awry. 

But I do wonder you should choose 

This way to' attack me with your Muse, 

As one cut out to pass your tricks on, 

With Fulhams^ of poetic fiction ; 

1 rather hop'd I should no more 

Hear from you o' th' gallanting score ; 

For hard dry-bastings used to prove 

The readiest remedies of love, 

Next a dry-diet ; but if those fail, 

Yet this uneasy, loop-hold gaol. 

In which ye're hamper'd bj'^ the fetlock, 

Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock ; 

(7) Fulham was a cant word for false dice. 



157 



Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here, 

If that may serve you for a cooler 

To' allay your metal, all agog 

Upon a wife, the heavier clog : 

Nor rather thank your gentler fate, 

That for a bruis'd or broken pate 

Has freed you from those knobs that gTow 

Much harder on the married brow : 

But if no dread can cool your courage, 

From vent'ring on that dragon, marriage ; 

Yet give me quarter, and advance 

To nobler aims your puissance ; 

Level at beauty and at wit ; 

The fairest mark is easiest hit, ' 

Quoth Hudibras, * I am beforehand 
In that already, with your command ; 
For where does beauty and high wit 
But in your constellation, meet ? * — • 

Quoth she, * What does a match imply, 
But likeness and equality ? 
I know you cannot think me fit 
To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit ; 
Nor take one of so mean deserts, 
To be the partner of your parts ; 
A grace which, if I could believe, 
I've not the conscience to receive.' 

* That conscience, ' quoth Hudibras, 
* Is misinform'd ; I'll state the case. 
A man may be a legal donor 
Of anything whereof he's owner, 
And may confer it where he lists, 
r th' judgment of all casuists : 
Then wit, and parts, and valour may 
Be alin'ated, and made away, 



158 HUDIBrvAS. TAKT II. 

By those tliat are proprietors, 
As I may give or sell my horse.' 

Quoth she, * I grant the case is tru3, 
And proper 'twixt your horse and you ; 
But whether I may take, as well 
As you may give away or sell ? 
Buyers, you know, are bid beware ; 
And worse than thieves receivers are. 
How shall I answer Hue and Cry, 
For a roan gelding, twelve hands high, 
All spurr'd and switch'd, a lock on's hoof, 
A sorrel mane ? Can I bring proof 
Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for, 
And in the open market toll'd for ? 
Or, should I take you for a stray, 
You must be kept a year and day, 
(Ere I can own you) here i' th' pound, 
Where, if ye 're sought, you may be found ; 
And in the meantime I must pay 
For all 5''our provender and hay. ' 

Quoth he, * It stands me miich upon 
To' enervate this objection, 
And prove myself by topic clear, 
No gelding, as you would infer. 
Loss of virility's averr'd 
To be the cause of loss of beard. 
That does (like emliryo in the womb) 
Abortive on the chin become : 
This first a woman did invent, 
In en\y of man's ornament, 
Semiramis of Babylon, 
Who first of all cut men o' th' stone. 
To mar their beards and laid foundation 
Of sow-geldering operation : 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS, 159 

Look on this beard, and tell me wlietliei* 
Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either ? 
Next it appears 1 am no horse, 
That I can argue and discourse. 
Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail : ' — 

Quoth she, ' That nothing will avail ; 
For some philosophers of late here, 
Write, men have four legs by Nature, 
And that 'tis custom makes them go 
Erroneously upon but two ; 
As 'twas in Germany made good, 
B' a boy that lost himself in a wood, 
And growing down t' a man, was wont 
With wolves upon all four to hunt. 
As for your reasons drawn from tails, 
We cannot say they're true or false, 
Till you explain yourself and show 
B* experiment 'tis so or no. ' 

Quoth he, ' If you'll join issue on't, 
I'll give you sat'sfact'ry account ; 
So you will promise, if you lose. 
To settle all, and be my spouse. ' 

' That never shall be done, ' quoth she, 
* To one that wants a tail, by me ; 
For tails by Nature sure were meant, 
As was well as beards, for ornament ; 
And though the vulgar count them homely, 
In men or beast they are so comely, 
So gentee, alamode, and handsome, 
I'll never marry man that wants one : 
And till you can demonstrate plain. 
You have one equal to your mane, 
I'll be torn piece-meal by a horse. 
Ere I'll take you for bettei- or worse. 



160 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

The Prince of Cambay's daily food 

Is asp and basilisk, and toad, 

Which makes him have so strong a breath, 

Each night he stinks a queen to death ; 

Yet I shall rather lie in's arms 

Than yours, on any other terms. ' 

Quoth he, * What Nature can afford 
I shall produce, upon my word ; 
And if she ever gave that boon 
To man, I'll prove that I have one ; 
I mean by postulate illation, 
When you shall offer just occasion ; 
But since ye've yet denied to give 
My heart, jour prisoner, a reprieve, 
But made it sink down to my heel, 
Let that at least your pity feel ; 
And for the sufferings of your mart}T*, 
Give its jDoor entertainer quarter ; 
And by discharge, or mainprize grant 
Delivery from this base restraint. ' 

Quoth she, ' I grieve to see your leg 
Stuck in a hole here, like a peg. 
And if I knew which way to do't, 
(Your honour safe) I'd let you out. 
That dames by gaol-delivery 
Of errant knights have been set free, 
When by enchantment they have been, 
And sometimes for it, too, laid in. 
Is that which knights are bound to do 
By order, oaths, and honour too ; 
For what are they renown'd and famous else, 
But aiding of distressed damosels ? 
But for a lady, no ways errant. 
To free a knight, we have no warrant 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAvS. 101 

In any authcntical romance, 

Or classic author yet of France ; 

And I'd be loth to have you break 

An ancient custom for a freak, 

Or innovation introduce 

In place of things of antique use, 

To free your heels by any course 

That might b' unwholesome to your spurs : 

Which if I should consent unto, 

It is not in my pow'r to do ; 

For 'tis a service must be done ye 

With solemn previous ceremony ; 

Which always has been us'd to' untie 

The charms of those who here do lie : 

For as the ancients heretofore 

To Honour's temple had no door 

But that which thorough Virtue's lay ; 

So from this dimgeon there's no way 

To honour'd freedom, but by passing 

That other virtuous school of lashing, 

Where knights are kept in narrow lists, 

With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ; 

In which they for a while are tenants, 

And for their ladies sufler penance : 

Whipping, that's Virtue's governess, 

Tutress of arts and sciences. 

That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, 

And puts new life into dull matter, 

That lays foundation for renown, 

And all the honours of the gown : 

This suffer'd, they are set at large. 

And freed with hon'rable discharge ; 

Then, in their robes, the penitentials 

Are straight presented with credentials. 



162 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

And in their way attended on 
By madstrates of every town ; 
And all respect and charges paid, 
They're to their ancient seats convey'd. 
Now if you'll venture, for my sake, 
To try the toughness of your back, 
And suffer (as the rest have done) 
The laying of a whipping on, 
(And may you prosper in your suit, 
As you with equal vigour do't) 
I here engage myself to loose ye. 
And free your heels from caperdewsie. 
But since our sex's modesty 
"Will not allow I should be by, 
Bring me on oath, a fair account, 
And honour too, when you have don 't j 
And I'll admit you to the place 
You claim as due in my good grace. 
If matrimony and hanging go 
By dest'uy, why not whipping too ? 
"What med'ciue else can cure the fits 
Of lovers when they lose their wits ? 
Love is a boy, by poets styl'd. 
Then spare the rod, and spoil the child. 

* A Persian emperor ^ whipp'd his grannam, 
The sea, his mother Venus came on ; 
And hence some reverend men approve 
Of rosemary^ in making love. 
As skilful coopers hoop their tubs 
With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, 
Why may not whipping have as good 
A grace, perforni'd in time and mood, 

(8) Xerxes. 

(9) A pun on ros marinus or sea dew. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 163 

"With comely movement, and by art, 

Raise passion in a lady's heart ? 

It is an easier way to make 

Love by, than that which many take. 

Who would not rather suffer whipping, 

Than swallow toast of bits of ribliin ? 

Make wicked verses, treats, and faces. 

And spell names over with beer-glasses ? 

Be under vows to hang and die 

Love's sacrifice, and all a lie ? 

With China-oranges and tarts, 

And whining plays, lay baits for hearts ? 

Bribe chamber-maids with love and money, 

To break no roguish jests upon ye ? 

For lilies limu'd on cheeks, and roses, 

With painted perfumes hazard noses ? 

Or, venturing to be brisk and wanton. 

Do penance in a paper lanthorn ? 

All this you may compound for noAV, 

By suffering what I offer you ; 

Which is no more than has been done 

By knights for ladies long agone. 

Did not the great La Mancha^*^ do so 

For the Infanta Del Toboso ? 

Did not the' illustrious Bassa^^ make 

Himself a slave for Misse's sake. 

And with bull's pizzle, for her love. 

Was taw'd as gentle as a glove ? 



CIO) Alluding to Don Quixote's intended penance on tha 

mountain. 

(11 ) Alluding to Scudery's romance of ' Ibrahim, the iUus* 
trious Bassa ;' translated by Cogan in 1674. 



164 nUDTBRAS. TAUT ] 

V/as not younf:^ Florio^^ gent (lo cool 

His flame for Biancafiore) to school 

Where pedant made his pathic bum 

For her sake sulfer martyrdom ? 

Did not a certain Lady whip, 

Of late, her Imsband's own lordship ? 

And though a grandee of the House, 

Claw'd him with fundamental blows ; 

Tied him stark-naked to a bed-post. 

And firk'd his hide, as if she 'ad rid post ; 

And after in the Sessions court, 

Where whipping's judg'd, had honour for't ?— 

This swear you will perform, and then 

I'll set you from the' inchanted den, 

And the Magician's circle, clear.' 

Quoth he, ' I do profess and swear, 
And will perform what you enjoin, 
Or may I never see you mine.' 

* Amen ; ' (quoth she) then turn'd about, 
Aud bid her Squire let him out. 
But ere an artist could be found 
To' undo the charms another bound, 
The sun grew low and left the skies. 
Put down (some write) by ladies' eyes. 
The moon pull'd off her veil of light, 
That hides her face by day from sight, 
(Mysterious veil, of brightness made, 
That's both her lustre and her shade) 
And in the lantern of the night. 
With shining horns hung out her light ; 
For darkness is the proper sphere 
Where all false glories use to' appear. 

(12) Another French romance supposed. 



HUDIBllAS, 165 



The twinkling stars began to mnster, 
And glitter with their borrow'd Instre, 
While sleep the wearied world reliev'd, 
By counterfeiting death reviv'd. 
His whipping penance, till the morn, 
Our votary thought it best to' adjourn, 
And not to cai-ry on a work 
Of such importance in the dark, 
With erring haste, but rather stay, 
And do't in the' open face of day ; 
And in the mean time go in quest 
Of next retreat to taku his rest. 



HUDIBRAS. 



PART 11. CANTO II. 




THE ARGUMENT 

The Knight and Squire in hot dispute, 
Within an ace of falling out, 
Are parted with a sudden fright 
Of strange alarm, and stranger sight ; 
With which adventuring to stickle, 
They're sent away in nasty pickle. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART II. CANTO II. 

'Tis strange how some men's tempers suit 

(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, 

That for their own opinions stand fast 

Only to have them claw'd and canvast ; 

That keep their consciences in cases, 

As fiddlers do their crowds and bases ; 

Ne'er to be us'd, but when they're bent 

To play a fit for argument : 

Make true and false, unjust and just, 

Of no use but to be discust ; 

Dispute, and set a paradox, 

Like a straight boot, upon the stocks, 

And stretch it more unmercifully 

Thau Helmont, Montaigne, White, or Tully. 

So the' ancient Stoics, in their porch, 

"With fierce dispute maintain'd their church, 

Beat out their brains in fight and study, 

To prove that virtue is a body, 

That honum is an animal. 

Made good with stout polemic brawl ; 

In which some hundreds on the place 

Were slain outright, and many a face 

Retrench'd of nose, and eyes, and beard, 

To maintain what their sect averr'd. 

All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, 

Had like to' have suffer'd for their faith ; 



170 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

Each striving to make good his own, 
As by the sequel shall be shown. 

The sun had long since, in the lap 
Of Thetis, taken out his nap, 
And, like a lobster boil'd, the morn 
From black to red began to turn ; 
When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aking 
'Twixt sleeping kept, all night, and waking, 
Began to rub his drowsy eyes, 
And from his couch prepar'd to rise, 
Kesolving to dispatch the deed 
He vow'd to do with trusty speed : 
But first, with knocking loud and bawling, 
He rous'd the Squire, in truckle lolling : 
And after many circumstances 
Which vulgar authors in romances 
Do use to spend their time and wits on, 
To make impertinent description, 
They got (with much ado) to horse. 
And to their Castle bent their course, 
In which he to the Dame before 
To suffer whipping-duty swore : 
Where now arriv'd, and half unharncst, 
To carry on the work in earnest. 
He stopp'd, and paus'd upon the sudden. 
And with a serious forehead ])lodding, 
Sprung a new scruple in liis head, 
Wliich first he scratch'd, and after said ; 
* AVhether it be direct infringing 
An oath', if I should wave tliis swinging, 

(1) This dialogue between Hudibras and Raliih sets before 
us tlie hypocrisy and villany of all ]>arUcs of the Kcbcls 
■with regard to oaths : what equivocations and evasions 
they made use of, to account for the many peijurics they 



CANTO ir. HUDIBRAS. - 171 

And wliat I've sworn to bear forbear, 

And so b' etpiivocation swear ; 

Or whether 't be a lesser sin 

To be foresworn, than act the thing, 

Are deep and subtle points, which must, 

To inform Conscience, be discust ; 

In which to err a tittle may 

To errors infinite make way : 

And therefore I desire to know 

Thy judgment, ere we further go. ' 

Quoth Ralpho, ' Since you do injoin't, 
I shall enlarge upon the point ; 
And, for m.y own part, do not doubt 
The' affirmative may be made out. 
But first, to state the case aright, 
For best advantage of our light ; 
And thus 'tis ; ' ' Whether 't be a sin 
To claw and curry your own skin, 
Greater or less, tlian to forbear. 
And that you are forsworn forswear." 
But first, o' til' first ; The inward man, 
And outward, like a clan and clan ^, 
Have always been at daggers-drawing, 
And one another clapper-clawing ; 

were daily puiltyof, and the several oatlisthey readily took, 
and as readily broke, merely as tliey found it suited tlicir 
interest. Avclibisliop Bramhall says, 'That tlie hyiiocritfs 
of those times, though they magnified the obligation of nu 
oath, yet in their own case dispensed with all oaths, civil, 
military, and religions. "We are now told i, says he) tliat tlie 
oaths we have taken are not to be examined acconling to 
the interpretation of men: No! IIow then? Surely 
according to the interpretation of devils.' 

(2) Alluding to the outrages committed upon each other 
by the clans in Scotland. 

VOL. I. M 



172 HUDIBRAS. TA 

Not that they really cuff or fence, 

But in a spiritual mystic sense ; 

Which to mistake, and make 'em squabble 

In literal fray's abominable : 

'Tis Heathenish, in frequent use 

With Pagans and apostate Jews, 

To ofier sacrifice of Bridewells, 

Like modern Indians to their idols ; 

And mongrel Christians of our times, 

That expiate less with greater crimes, 

And call the foul abomination 

Contrition and mortification. 

Is't not enough we're bruis'd and kicked, 

With sinful members of the Wicked ; 

Our vessels, that are sanctified, 

Profan'd, and curry'd back and side ; 

But we must claw ourselves with sliaraefal 

And Heathen stripes, by their example ? 

Which {•were there nothing to forbid it) 

Is impious, because they did it : 

This, therefore, may be justly reckon 'd 

A heinous sin. Now to the second ; 

*' That Saints may claim a dispensation 

To swear and forswear on occasion, " 

1 doubt not but it will appear 

With pregnant light : the point is clear. 

Oaths are but words, and words but wind ; 

Too feeble implements to bind ; 

And hold with deeds proportion, so 

As shadows to a substance do. 

Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit 

The weaker vessel should submit. 

Although your Church be opposite 

To ours, as Black-friars are to White, 



CANTO IT. nUDIBRAS. 173 

In rule and order, yet I gi-ant 

You are a Reformado saint ; 

And what the Saints do claim as due, 

You may })retend a title to : 

But Saints, whom oaths and vows oblige, 

Know little of tlieir privilege ; 

Further (I mean) than carrying on 

Some self-advantage of their own : 

For if the Devil, to serve his turn, 

Can tell truth, why the Saints should scorn, 

When it serves theirs, to swear and lie, 

I think there's little reason why : 

Else he 'as a greater power than they, 

Y\^hich 'twere impiety to say. 

"We're not commanded to forbear 

Indefinitely, at all to swear ; 

But to swear idly, and in vain, 

"Without self-interest or gain : 

For breaking of an oath and lying, 

Is but a kind of self-denjdng, 

A saint-like virtue ; and from hence 

Some have broke oaths by Providence 3 : 

Some, to the glory of the Lord, 

Perjur'd themselves, and broke their word ; 

And this the constant rule and practice 

Of all our late Apostles' acts is. 

AVas not the Cause at first begun 

With perjury, and carried on?, 

(3) When it was first moved in the House of Commons to 
proceed capitally against tlie King, Cromwell stood up and 
told them, ' That if any man moved tliis with design, he 
should think him the greatest traitor in the world ; but 
since Providence and necessity had cast them upon it, he 
should pray to God to bless their counsels.' 

m2 



174 HUDIBKAS. PART II. 

Was there an oatli the Godly took, 

But in due time and place the}^ broke * ? 

Did we not bring our oaths in first, 

Before our plate, to have them burst, 

And cast in fitter models, for 

The present use of Church and War ? 

Did not our Worthies of the House, 

Before they broke the peace, break vows ? 

For having freed us, first from both 

The' Alleg'ancc and Suprem'cy oath, 

Did they not next compel the nation. 

To take, and break the Protestation ? 

To swear, and after to recant, 

The Solemn League and Covenant ? 

To take the' Engagement,^ and disclaim it, 

Enforc'd l)y those who first did frame it ? 

Did they not swear, at first, to fight 

For the King's safety, and his riglit ? 

And after march'd to find him out. 

And charg'd him homo with horse and foot j 

But yet still had the confidence 

To swear it was in his defence ? 

Did they not swear to live and die 

With Essex, ^ and straight laid him by ? 

(4) A sneer upon many of the members of the assembly 
of divines, who had taken two several oaths to maintain 
that Church government, which the Covenant obliged them 
to extirpate. 

(5) By the Engagement, every man was to swear to be 
true and faithful to the Governmeut established without a 
King or House of Peers. 

(6) The two Houses voted that the Earl of Essex should 
be General of their Army, and that they would live and die 
with him. They afterwards cashiered him of his command. 



CANTO II. nUDIBRAS. 175 

If that were all, for some have swore 
As false as they, if th' did no more. 
Did they not swear to maintain Law, 
In which that swearing made a flaw ? 
For Protestant religion vow, 
That did that vowing disallow ? 
For Privilege of Parl'ament, 
In which that swearing made a rent ? 
And since, of all the three, not one 
Is left in being, 'tis well known. 
Did they not swear, in express words. 
To prop and back the House of Lords ? 
And after turned out the whole houseful 
Of Peers,'' as dangerous and unuseful. 
So Cromwell with deep oaths and vows, 
Swore all the commons out o' th' House ; 
Yow'd that the Eedcoats would disband, 
Ay, marry would they, at their command ; 
And troll'd them on, and swore, and swore, 
Till the' Army turn'd them out of door. ^ 
This tells us plainly what they thought, 
That oaths and swearing go for nought, 
And that by them th' were only meant 
To serve for an expedient. 
What was the Public Faith found out for, 
But to slur men of what they fought for ? 
The Public Faith, which every one 
Is bound to' observe yet kept by none ; 
And if that go for nothing, why 
Should Private Faith have such a tie ? 



(7) This they literally did, after the King was beheaded. 

(8) Alluding to the seclusion of the greatest part of the 
members in 1648. 



176 nUDIBRAS. PAET II. 

Oaths were not purpos'd, more than law, 
To keep the Good and Just in awe, 
But to confine the Bad and Sinful, 
Like mortal cattle in a pinfold. 
A Saint's of the' heavenly realm a Peer ; 
And as no Peer is bound to swear, 
But on the Gospel of his Honour, 
Of wliich he may dispose, as owner, 
It follows, thoup;h the thing be forg'ry, 
And false, th' affirm it is no perj'ry, 
But a mere ceremony, and a breach 
Of nothiug but a form of speech, 
And goes for no more when 'tis took, 
Than mere saluting of the Book. 
Suppose the Scrijitures are of force, 
The^^'re but commissions'^ of course ; 
And Saints have freedom to digress. 
And vary from 'em, as they please ; 
Or misinterpret them by private 
Instructions, to all aims they drive at. 
Then why should we ourselves abridge. 
And curtail our own privilege ? 
Quakers (that, like to lanterns, bear 
Their light within 'em) will not swear ; 
Their Gospel is an Accidence, 
By which they construe Conscience, 
And hold no sin so deeply red 
As that of breaking Priscian's '° head, 



(9) A satire on the li'ierty taken T)y the Parliament 
officers, of varying from their commission, on in-utence of 
private instructions. 

(10) AUuding to the use of Thou for you. Priscian was a 
noted granauariau. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 177 

(The head and fouuder of their order, 

That stirring hats held worse than murder) 

These thinking? they're oblig'd to troth 

In swearing, will not take an oath : 

Like mules, who if they 'ave not their will 

To keep their own pace stand stock-still : 

But they are weak, and little know 

What free-born Consciences may do. 

*Tis the temptation of the devil 

That makes all human actions evil ; 

For Saints may do the same things by 

The Spirit, in sincerity, 

Which other men are tempted to, 

And at the devil's instance do, 

And yet the actions be contrary, 

Just as the Saints and Wicked vary. 

For as on land there is no beast 

But in some fish at sea's exprest ; 

So in the Wicked there's no vice 

Of which the Saints have not a spice ; 

And yet that thing that's pious in 

The one, in t' other is a sin, 

Is't not ridiculous and nonsense, 

A Saint should be a slave to Conscience, 

That ought to be above such fancies. 

As far as above Ordinances ? 

She's of the wicked, as I guess, 

B' her looks, her language, and her dress : 

And though, like constables, we search 

For false wares one another's Church ; 

Yet all of us hold this for true, 

No faith is to the Wicked due.^^ 

(11) This was an old Popish doctrine : Nulla fide« 
servanda Hsereticis. 



178 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

The truth is precious and divine, 
Toe rich a pearl for carnal swine. ' 

Quotli Hudibras, ' All this is true ; 
Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew 
Those mj'Steries and revelations ; 
And therefore topical evasions 
Of subtle turns and shifts of sense, 
Serve best with th' Wicked for pretence, 
Such as the learned Jesuits use, 
And Presbyterians, for excuse 
Against the Protestants, when th' happen 
To find their Churches taken napping : 
As thus ; A breach of Oath is duple, 
And either way admits a scruple, 
And may be ex parte of the maker, 
More criminal than the' mjur'd taker : 
For he that strains too far a vow, 
Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow, 
And he that made, and forc'd it, broke it, 
Not he that for Convenience took it. 
A broken oath is, quatcnus oath. 
As sound to' all purposes of troth, 
As broken laws are ne'er the worse. 
Nay, till they're broken have no force. 
AVhat's justice to a man, or laws, 
That never comes within their claws? 
They have no pow'r, but to admonish ; 
Cannot control, coerce, or punish. 
Until they're broken, and then touch 
Those only that do make 'em such. 
Ijcside, no' engagement is allow'd 
i)y men in prison made for good ; 
For when they're set at liberty. 
They're from th' engagement too set free. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 179 

The Rabbins write, " When any Jew 

Did make to Gcxi or man a vow, 

Which afterwards he found untoward. 

And stubborn to be k(^pt, or too hard. 

Any three other Jews o' th' nation 

Might free him from the obligation : " 

And have net two Saints pow'r to use 

A greater privilege tiian three Jews ? 

The court of Conscience, which in man 

Should be supreme and soveran, 

Is't fit should be subordinate 

To every jietty court i' th' state. 

And have less power than tho lesser, 

To deal with perjury at pleasure ? 

Have its proceedings disallow'd, or 

Allo\y'd, at fancy of pie-powder^ ^ ? 

Tell all it does, or does not know, 

For swearing ex officio ? 

Be forc'd to' impeach a broken hedge. 

And pigs unriug'd at vis. franc, pledge'^ ? 

Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, 

Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nu'sance ; 

Tell who did play at games unlawful, 

And who fill'd pots of ale but half-full ; 

And have no pow'r at all, nor shift, 

To help itself at a dead lift ? 

Why should not Conscience have vacation 

As Avell as other Courts o' th' nation ; 

Have equal power to adjourn. 

Appoint appearance and return ; 

(12) A pie-powder court is still held in Sniithfield during 
Bartliolomew fair, to redress disorders coniriiitted therein. 

(13) Visus franciplegii : a pledge or surety for freemen. 



IcO HUDIBllAS. PART 

And make as nice distinction serve 

To split a case, as those that carve, 

Invoking cnckokis' names, hit joints? 

Why shouhi not tricks as slight, do points ? 

Is not th' High-court of Justice sworn 

To judge that law that serves their turn ? 

Make their own jealousies high-treason, 

And fix 'em whomsoe'er they please on ? 

Cannot the learned Counsel there 

Make laws in any shape appear ? 

Mould 'em as witches do their clay, 

When they make pictures to destroy ; 

And vex 'em into any fonn 

That fits their purpose to do harm ? 

Rack 'em until they do confess, 

Impeach of treason whom they pleaso, 

And most perfidiously condemn 

Those that engag'd their lives for them ! 

And yet do uotliing ill their owti sense, 

But what they ought by Oath and Conscience. 

Can they not juggle, and with slight 

Conveyance, play with wrong and right ; 

And sell their blasts of wind as dear 

As Lapland witches bottled air ? 

Will not Fear, Favour, Bribe, and Ginidge, 

The same case several ways adjudge ? 

As seamen with the self-same gale 

Will several different courses sail ; 

As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, 

And overflows its level grounds, 

Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, 

Did keep it out, now keep it in ; 

So when tyrann'cal usurpation 

luvadcs the freedom of a nation, 



CANTO 11. HUDIBRAS. 181 

The laws o' the land, that were intended 

To keep it out, are made defend it. 

Does not in Chanc'ry every man swear 

What makes Lest for him in his answer ? 

Is not the win<ling up witnesses. 

And nicking, more than half the bus'uess ? 

For witnesses, like watches, go 

Just as they're set, too fast or slow, 

And where in Conscience they're straight-lac'd, 

'Tis ten to one that side is cast. 

Do not your Juries give their verdict 

As if they felt the cause, not heard it ? 

And as they please, make matter o' fact 

Bun all on one side, as they're packt ? 

Natui-e has made man's breast no windows, 

To publish what he does within doors ; 

Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, 

Unless his own rash folly blab it. 

If Oaths can do a man no good 

In his own business, why they shou'd 

In other matters do him hurt, 

I think there's little reason for't. 

He that imposes an Oath makes it, 

Not he that for Convenience takes it : 

Then how can any man be said 

To break an oath he never made ? 

These reasons may perhaps look oddly 

To til' Wicked, though they' evince the Godly ; 

But if they will not serve to clear 

My honour, I am ne'er the near. 

Honour is like that glassy bubble, 

That finds philosophers such trouble, 

Whose least part crackt, the whole does fly, 

And wits are crackt to find out why. ' 



182 IIUDIBEAS. TAET II. 

Quoth Ealplio, ' Honour's but a word 
To swear by, only in a Lord : 
In other men 'tis but a huff 
To vapour with, instoad of proof, 
That, like a wen, looks bi<^ and swells, 
Is senseless, and just nothing; else.' 
' Let it,' quoth he, ' be what it will, 
It has the world's opinion still. 
But as men are not wise that run 
The slightest hazard they may shun, 
There may a medium be found out 
To clear to all the world the doubt ; 
And that is, if a man may do't, 
By proxy whipt, or substitute.' 

' Though nice and dark the point appear,* 
Quoth Ralph, ' it may hold up, and clear. 
That Sinners may supply the place 
Of suffering Saints, is a ydain case. 
Justice gives sentence, many times, 
On one man for another's crimes. 
Our Brethren of New-England use 
Choice malefactors to excuse, 
And hang the guiltless in their stead. 
Of whom the Cliurches have less need ; 
As lately 't happen'd : — In a town 
There liv'd a Cobbler, and but one, 
That out of Doctrine could cut Use, 
And mend men's lives as well as shoes. 
This precious Brother having slain, 
In times of peace, an Indian, 
Not out of malice, but mere zeal, 
(Because he was an Infidel) 
The mighty Tottipottymoy 
Sent to our Elders an envoy. 



CANTO ir. IIUDIBRAS. 1S3 

Complaiuing sorely of the "breach 

Of league, held forth by Brother Patch, 

Against the articles in force 

Between both Churches, his and ours, 

For which he crav'd the Saints to render 

Into his hands, or hang the' offender ; 

But they maturely having weigh'd 

They had no more than but him o' th' trade, 

(A man that serv'd them in a double 

Capacity, to teach and coV)ble) 

Resolv'd to spare him ? yet to do 

The Indian Hoghan Moghan too 

Impartial justice, in his stead did 

Hang an old Weaver that was bed-rid. — 

Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd, 

And in your room another whipp'd ? 

For all philosophers, but the Sceptic, 

Hold whipping may be sympathetic. ' 

' It is enough,' quoth Hudibras, 
* Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the case ; 
And canst, in Conscience, not refuse, 
From thine ov/n Doctrine to raise Use : 
I know thou wilt not (for my sake) 
Be tender-conscienc'd of thy back : 
Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin. 
And give thy outward-fellow a ferking ; 
For when thy vessel is new-hoop'd, 
All leaks of sinning will be stop'd. ' 

Quoth Ralpho, ' You mistake the matter, 
For, in all scruples of this nature, 
No man includes himself, nor turns 
The point upon his own concerns. 
As no man of his own self catches 
The itch, or amorous French aches ; 



184 HUriBRAS, PA] 

So no man does himself convince, 

By his own doctrine, of his sins : 

And thongh all cry down self, none means 

His own self in a literal sense : 

Besides, it is not only fopinsh, 

But vile, idolatrous, and Popish, 

For one man out of his own skin 

To frisk and whip another's sin ; 

As pedants out of school-boy's l)ri'eolies 

Do claw and curry their own itches. 

l^Jut in this case it is profane, 

And sinful too, because in vain ; 

Fur we nnist take our Oaths upon it 

Yon did the deed, when I have done it. ' 

Quoth Iludibras, ' That's answcr'd soon ; 
Give us thn whip, we'll lay it on.' 

Quoth Ivalpho, ' That we may swear true, 
'T were proiun-cr that 1 whipp'd you ; 
For when with your consent 'tis done, 
The act is really your own. ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' It is in vain 
(I see) to argue 'gainst the grain, 
Ov, like the stars, incline men to 
"What they're averse themselves to do : 
For when disputes arc wearied out, 
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt : 
But since no reason can confute ye, 
I'll try to force you to your duty ; 
For so it is, howe'er you mince it. 
As, ere we part, 1 shall evince it ; 
And curry (if you stand out) wdiethcr 
You -wdll or no, your stubborn leather. 
Canst thou refuse to l)ear thy part 
I' th' public Work, base as thou art ? 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 185 

To higgle thus for a few blows, 
To gam thy Knight an op'lnit spouse, 
"Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase. 
Merely for the' int'rest of the Churches ? 
And when he has it in his claws, 
Will not be hide-bound to the Cause : 
Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgeon, 
If thou dispatch it without gradging : 
If not, resolve, before we go, 
That you and I must pull a crow. ' 

' Ye 'ad best, ' quoth llalpho, ' as the Ancients 

Say wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance, 

And Look before you ere you leap ; 

For as you soav, ye're like to reap ; 

And were y' as good as George-a-Green, 

I shoidd make bold to turn again ; 

Nor am I doubtful of the issue 

In a just quarrel, and mine is so. 

Is't fitting for a man of honour 

To whip the Saints, like Bishop Bonner ? 

A Knight t' usurp the Beadle's oftice, 

For which y' are like to raise brave trophies ? 

But I advise you (not for fear. 

But for your own sake) to forbear, 

And for the Churches, which may chance, 

From hence, to spring a variance, 

And raise among themselves new scruples, 

Whom common danger hardly couples. 

Remember how in arms and politics 

We still have worsted all your holy tiicks ; 

Trepann'd your Party with intrigue, 

And took your Grandees down a peg ; 

New-modell'd the' Army, and cashier'd 

All that to Legion Smec adher'd ; 



186 HUDIBRAS. PAKT II.! 

Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 

And after left it in the lurch ; 

A scaffold to build up our own. 

And when we 'ad done with 't pull'd it down ; 

Capoch'd '•* your l\al)bins of the Synod, 

And snap'd their Canons with a Why-not ; 

(Grave S}niod-men, that were rever'd 

For solid face, and de|)th of beard) 

Their Classic model prov'd a maggot, 

Their Direct'ry an Indian pagod ; 

And drown'd their Discipline like a kitten. 

On which they 'ad been so long a sitthig ; 

Decried it as a holy cheat, 

Grown out of date and obsolete, 

And all the Saints of the first gi-ass, 

As castling foals of Balaam's ass.' 

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, 
And, staring furiously on Ealph, 
He trembled and look'd pale with ire. 
Like ashes first, then red as fire : — 
* Have I,' quoth he, ' been ta'en in fight. 
And for so many moons lain by't. 
And when all other means did fail; 
Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale ? 
Not but they thought me worth a ransom 
iMuch more consid'rabl-3 and handsome. 
But for their own sakes, and for fear 
They were not safe when I was there ; 
Now to be baffled by a scoundrel. 
An upstart Sect'ry, and a mongrel, 
Such as breed out of peccant humours 
Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, 

(14) Capoch'd signifies hooded, or Uindfolded. 



OANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 187 

And, like a maggot in a soro, 
Would that which gave it life devour ; 
It never shall be done or said : ' — 
With that he seiz'd upon his blade ; 
And Ralpho too, as quick and bold, 
Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, 
With equal readiness prepar'd, 
To draw and stand upon his guard ; 
When both were parted on the sudden, 
With hideous clamour, and a loud one, 
As if all sorts of noise had been 
Contracted into one loud din ; 
Or that some member to be chosen, 
Had got the odds above a thousand ; 
And by the greatness of his noise, 
Prov'd fittest for his country's choice. 
This strange surprisal put the Knight 
And wrathful Squire into a fright ; 
And though they stood prepar'd, with fatal 
Impetuous rancour, to join battle, 
I Both thought it was the wisest course 
To wave the fight, and mount to horse, 
And to secure, by swift retreating. 
Themselves from danger of worse beating. 
Yet neither of them would disparage, 
By utt'ring of his mind, his courage. 
Which made 'em stoutly keep their ground. 
With horror and disdain wind-bound. 
And now the cause of all their fear 
By slow degrees approach'd so near, 
They might distinguish diff'erent noise 
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, 
And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub 
Sounds like the hooping of a tub. 

N 



188 HTJDIBRA.S. PAUT 

But when the sight appear'd in \dew, 

They found it was an antique shew ; 

A triumph that, for pomp and state, 

Did proudest Romans emulate : 

For as the Aldermen of Kome 

Their foes at training overcome, 

And not enlarging territory, 

(As some, mistaken, write in story) 

Being mounted in their best array, 

Upon a car, and who but they ; 

And folloAv'd with a world of tall lads, 

That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, 

Did ride with many a Good-morrow, 

Crying, * Hey for our town, ' through the Borough ; 

So Avhen this triumph drew so nigh, 

They might particulars descry, 

They never saw two things so pat, 

In all respects, as this and that. 

First, he that led the cavalcade 

"Wore a sow-geldcr's flagcllet, 

On which he blew as strong a Icvet 

As well-fee'd lawyer on his brev'ate, 

AVhen over one another's heads 

They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes. 

Next pans and kettles of all keys, 

From trebles down to double base ; 

And after them, upon a nag. 

That might pass for a forehand stag, 

A Cornet rode, and on his staff 

A smock display M did ]u-oudly wave ; 

Then bag})ipes of the loudest drones, 

With snufiling, broken-winded tones, 

"\Miose blasts of air, in pockets shut, 

Sound filthier than from the gut, 



CANTO II. IirDlBF.AS. 189 

And make a vilor noise than swine, 
In windy weather, when they whine. 
Next one upon ti, pair of panniers. 
Full fraught with that which, for good manners. 
Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, 
"Which he dispens'd among the swains, 
And busily upon the crowd 
At random round about bestoAv'd. 
Then mounted on a horned horse. 
One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs. 
Tied to the pummel of a long sword 
He held reverst, the point turne<l do^'nward : 
Next after, on a rawl)on'd steed, 
The conqueror's Standard-bearer rid. 
And bore aloft before the champion 
A petticoat display'd and rampant ; 
Near whom the Amazon triumphant 
Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't 
Sat face to tail, and bum to bum, 
The warrior whilom overcome, 
Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff. 
Which as he rode she made him twist off ; 
And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder 
Chastiz'd the reformado soldier. 
Before the dame, and round about, 
]\larch'd '.vhifflers, and staffiers on foot. 
With lackeys, grooms, valets, and pages, 
In fit and proper equipages ; 
Of whom some torches bore, some links. 
Before the proud virago minx, 
That was both Madam, and a Don, 
Like Nero's Sporus, or Pope Joan ; 
And at tit periods the whole rout 
Set up their throats with clamorous shout. 
n2 



190 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

The Knight, transported, and the Scpire, 
Put up their weapons, and their ire ; 
And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder 
On such sights with judicious wonder, 
Could hold no longer to impart 
His an 'mad versions, for his heart. 

Quoth he, ' In all ray life, till now 
I ne'er saw so profane a show ; 
It is a Paganish invention ; 
Which Heathen writers often mention ; 
And he who made it had read Goodwin ^', 
Or Ross '"^j or Cxlvas Ehodogine i'', 
With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows, 
That best describe tliose ancient shows ; 
And has observ'd all tit decorums 
We find describ'd by old historians : 
For as the Roman conqueror, 
That put an end to foreign war, 
Entering the town in triumph for it, 
Bore a slave Avith him in his chariot ; 
So this insulting female brave 
Carries, bcliind her here, a slave ; 
And as the Ancients long ago, 
Wlien they in field defieil the foe, 
Hung out tlieir mantles de la guerre, 
So her proud Standard-bearer here 
Waves on his spear, in drea^lful manner, 
A Tyriau petticoat for banner. 

(15) Goodwin wrote an Exposition of Roman Antiquities, 
(10) Alexander Ross published many tracts, and among 

them Arcana Jlicrocosmi. 

17) Ludovicus Ciiilius Rhodiginus printed Antiquie Lec- 

tiones, and was master to the older Scaliger. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 191 

Next links and torches, heretofore 
Still borne before the emperor : 
And, as in antique triumphs, eggs 
Were borne for mystical intrigues ; 
There's one in truncheon, like a ladle, 
That carries eggs too, fresh or addle ; 
And still at random, as he goes, 
Among the rabble-rout bestows. ' 

Quoth Kalpho, ' You mistake the matter ; 
For all the' antiquity you smatter 
Is but a riding us'd of course, 
"When The grey mare's the better horse ; 
When o'er the breeches greedy Avomen 
Fight, to extend their vast dorainion, 
And in the cause impatient Grizel 
Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle, 
And brought him under covert-baron '», 
To turn her vassal with a murrain ; 
When wives their sexes shift, like hares, 
And ride their husbands, like niglit-niares, 
And they in mortal battle vanquish'd, 
Are of their charter disenfranchis'd, 
And by the right of war, like gills, 
Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels : 
For when men by their wives are coAv'd, 
Their horns of course are understood. ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' Thou still giv'st sentence 
Impertinently, and against sense : 
'Tis not the least disparagement 
To be defeated by the' event, 
Nor to be beaten by main force ; 
That does not make a man the worse, 

(18) Covert-baron is the state of a woman under tLe 
power of her husband. 



192 IIUDIBEAS. P. 

Although his shoulders with baton 

Be claw'd and cudgell'd to some tune. 

A tailor's 'prentice has no hard 

Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard ; 

But to turn tail, or run away. 

And without blows give up the day ; 

Or to surrender ere the' assault. 

That's no man's fortune, but his fault ; 

And renders men of honour less 

Than all the' adversity of success ; 

And only unto such this shew 

Of horns and petticoats is due. 

There is a lesser profanation, 

Like that the Romans call'd Ovation : 

For as ovation was allow'd 

For conquest purchas'd without blood ; 

So men decree those lesser shows 

For victory gotten without blows, 

By dint of sharp hard words, which some 

Give battle with, and overcome ; 

These mounted in a chair-curule. 

Which Moderns call a Cucking-stool, 

March proudly to the river's side, 

And o'er the Avaves in triumph ride ; 

Like Dukes of Venice, who are said 

The Adriatic sea to wed ; 

And have a gentler wife than those 

For whom the state decrees those shows. 

But both are Heathenish, and come 

From th' Whores of Babylon and Rome, 

And by the Saints should be withstood, 

As antichristian and lewd ; 

And we, as such, should now contribute 

Our utmost struggliugs to prohibit. ' 



CANTO 11. IILTD115UAS. 



193 



This said, they both advanc'd, and rode 
A dog-trot tliroiigh the bawling crowd 
To' attack the leader, and still prest. 
Till they approach'd hiin breast to breast : 
Then Hudibras, with face and hand, 
Made signs for silence ; which obtain 'd, 
* What means,' qnoth he, 'this dcv'l's procession 
With men of orthodox profession ? 
'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, 
From Heathenism deriv'd to ns. 
Does not the Whore of Bali'lon ride 
Upon her horned Beast astride, 
Like tliis proud Dame, who either is 
A type of her, or she of this ? 
Are' things of superstitious function 
Fit to be us'd in Gospel sunshine ? 
It is an antichristian opera. 
Much us'd in midnight times of Popery ; 
Of running after self-inventions 
Of wicked and proftme intentions ; 
To scandalize that sex, for scolding, 
To whom the Saints are so beholden. 
Women i9, who were our first apostles, 
Without whose aid we 'ad all been lost else ; 
Women, that left no stone unturn'd 
In which the Cause might be concern'd ; 

(19) The women were zealous contributors to the Good 
Cause, as thev called it. Mr. James Howel observes, 'That 
unusual voluntary collections were made botii in town and 
country ; the seamstress brought in her silver thunble, the 
chambermaid her bodkin, the cook her silver spoon, into 
the common treasury of war.— And some sort of female^ 
were freer in their contributions, so far as to part with 
their rings and earrings, as if some golden calf were to be 
molten and set up to be idolized.' 



194 HUDIBRAS. PART II. 

BroTight in their children's spoons and whistles, 

To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols ; 

Their husbands' cullies, and sweethearts, 

To take the Saints' and Churches' parts ; 

Drew several Gifted Brethren in. 

That for the Bishops would have been, 

A.nd fix'd 'em constant to the partj', 

With motives powerful and hearty : 

Their husbands robb'd, and made hard shifts 

To' administer unto their Gifts 

All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer, 

To scraps and ends of gold and sUver ; 

Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent 

With holding forth for Parl'ament ; 

Pamper'd and edified their zeal 

With marrow-puddings many a meal : 

Enabled them, with store of meat. 

On controverted points, to eat ; 

And cramm'd 'em, till their guts did ache. 

With caudle, custard, and plum-cake. 

What have they done, or what left undone, 

That might advance the Cause at London ? 

March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, 

To' intrench the City for defence in : 

Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, 

To put the Enemy to stands ; 

From ladies down to oyster-wenches 

Labour'd like pioneers in trenches, 

Fall'n to their pick-axes, and tools, 

And help'd the men to dig like moles. 

Have not the handmaids of the City 

Chose of their Members a Committee, 

For raising of a common purse. 

Out of their wages, to raise horse ? 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS, 195 

And do they not as Tryers sit, 

To judge what officers are fit -^ ? 

Kave they'— At that an egg let fly, 

Hit him directly o'er the eye, 

And running down his cheek, besmear'd 

With orange-tawny slime his beard ; 

But heard and slime being of one hue, 

The wound the less appear'd in view. 

Then he that on the panniers rode, 

Let fly on t'other side a load. 

And quickly charg'd again, gave fully 

In Ralpho's face another volley. 

The Knight was startled with the smell, 

And for his sword began to feel ; 

And Ealpho, smother'd with the stink, 

Grasp'd his, when one that bore a link, 

0' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, 

Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole ; 

And straight another, with his flambeau, 

Gave Ealpho o'er the eyes a damn'd blow. 

The beasts began to kick and fling. 

And forc'd the rout to make a ring ; 

Through which they quickly broke their way, 

And brought them ofi" from further fray ; 

And though disorder'd in retreat. 

Each of them stoutly kept his seat : 



(20) ' The House considered, in the next place, that divers 
weak persons have crept into places beyond their abilities ; 
and, to the end that men of greater parts may be put into 
their room.s, they appointed the Lady Middlesex, Mrs. 
Dunch, the Lady Foster, and the Lady Anne Waller, by 
reason of their gi-eat experienf.e in soldiery in the kingdom, 
to be a Committee of Tryers for the business.' Farliament 
0/ Ladies, 1647. 



196 HUDIBIIAS. TAUT ] 

For quitting both their swords and reins, 
They grasp'd with all their strength the manes, 
And, to avoid the foe's pursuit, 
"With spurring put their cattle to't, 
And till all four Avere out of wind, 
And danger too, ne'er look'd behind. 
After they 'ad paus'd a while, supplying 
Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, 
And Hudibras recruited force 
Of lungs for action or discourse : 

Quoth he, ' That man is sure to lose 
That fouls his hands with dirty foes ; 
For where no honour's to l)e gain'd, 
'Tis thrown away in being maintain'd : 
'Twas ill for us we had to do 
With so dishon'rable a foe : 
For though the law of arms doth bar 
The use of venom'd shot in war, 
Yet by the nauseous smell, and noisom, 
Their case-shot savour strong of poison, 
And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth 
Of some that had a stinking breath ; 
Else when we put it to the push, 
They had not giv'n us such a brush : 
But as those poltroons that fling dirt 
Do but defile, but cannot hurt ; 
So all the honour they have won, 
Or we have lost, is much at one. 
'Twas well we made so resolute 
A brave retreat, without pursuit ; 
For if we had ncjt, we had sped 
Much worse, to be iu triumph led ; 
Than which the Ancients held no state 
Of man's life more unfortunate. 



CANTO II. HUDIBEAS. 197 

But if this bold adventure e'er 

Do chance to reach the Widow's ear, 

It may, being destin'd to assert 

Her sex's honour, reach her heart : 

And as such homely treats (they say) 

Portend good fortune, so this may. 

Vespasian being daub'd with dirt, 

Was destin'd to the empire for't ; 

And from a scavenger did come 

To be a mighty prince in Rome : 

And why may not this fold address 

Presage in love the same success ? — 

Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 

Adva.nce in quest of nearest ponds ; 

And after (as we first design'd) 

Swear I've perform'd what she enjoin'd.' 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART II. CANTO III. 



*^-^-^T 







THE ARuUMENT. 

Tlie Knight, with various doubts possest, 

To "Win the Lady goes in quest 

Of Sidrophel the Rosycrucian, 

To know the Dest'nies' reeohxtion ; 

With whom b'ing met, they both chop logic 

About the science astrologic ; 

Till falling from dispute to fight, 

The Conjurer's worsted by the Knight. 



HUDIBKAS. 



PART 11. CANTO III. 

Doubtless the pleasure is as great 
Of being cheated, as to cheat ; 
As lookers-on feel most delight, 
That least perceive a juggler's sleight, 
And still the less they understand, 
The more th' admire his sleight of hand. 

Some with a noise and greasy light, 
Are snapt, as men catch larks by night, 
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul. 
As nooses by the legs catch fowl. 
Some with a med'cine and receipt 
Are drawn to nibble at the bait ; 
And though it be a two-foot trout, 
'Tis with a single hair puU'd out. 

Others believe no voice to' an organ 
So sweet as lawyer's in his bar-gown, 
Until with subtle cobweb-cheats 
They're catch'd in knotted law, like nets , 
In which, when once they are imbrangled. 
The more they stir, the more they're tangled 
And while their purses can dispute, 
There's no end of the' immortal suit. 

Others still gape to' anticipate 
The cabiuet-dedigus of Fate, 



202 nUDTBRAS. PART II, 

Apply to wizards to foresee 

"What shall, and wliat shall never be ; 

And as those vultures do forebode, 

Believe events prove bad or good ; 

A flam more senseless than the roguery 

Of old aruspicy, and aug'ry, 

That out of garbages of cattle 

Presag'd the' events of truce or battle ; 

From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, 

Success of great'st attempts would reckon : 

Though cheats, yet more intelligible, 

Than those that with the stars do fribble. 

This Hudibras by proof found true. 

As in due time and place we'll shew : 

For he with beard and face made clean, 

Being mounted on his steed again, 

(Anci Ealpho got a cock-horse too, 

Upon his beast, with much ado) 

Advanc'd on for the AVidow's house. 

To' acquit himself, and pay his vows ; 

"When various thoughts began to bustle, 

And with his inward man to justle. 

He thought what danger might accrue, 

If she should find he swore untnie ; 

Or if his Squire or he should fail. 

And not be punctual in their tale. 

It jnight at once the ruiu prove 

Both of his honour, faith, and love : 

But if he should forltear to go, 

She might conclude he 'ad broke hi^ vow; 

And that he durst not now, for sliame, 

Appear in court to try his claim. 

This was the p.enn'worth of his^tliouglit, 

To pass time, and uneasy tiot. 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 203 

■Quoth he, * In all my past adventures 
I ne'er was set so on the tenters, 
Or taken tardy with dilemma, 
That every way I turn does hem me, 
And with inextricable doubt, 
Besets my puzzled wits about : 
For though the Dame has been my bail, 
To free me from enchanted gaol. 
Yet as a dog, committed close 
For some offence, by chance breaks loose, 
And quits his clog ; but all in vain, 
He still draws after him his chain : 
So though my ankle she has quitted, 
My heart continues still committed ; 
And like a bail'd and mainpriz'd lover, 
Although at large, I am bound over : 
And when I shall appear in court 
To plead my cause, and ansAver for't, 
Unless the judge do partial prove, 
What will become of me and love ? 
For if in our account we vary, 
Or but in circumstance miscarry ; 
Or if she put me to strict proof, 
And make me pull my doublet off, 
To show, by evident record, 
Writ on my skin, I've kept my word, 
How can I e'er expect to have her, 
Having demurr'd unto her favour ? 
But faith, and love, and honour lost. 
Shall be reduc'd to' a Knight o' th' Post 1 
Beside, that stripping may prevent 
What I'm to prove by argument. 
And justify I have a tail, 
And that way, too, my proof may fail. 



204 HUDIBRA8. PART II. 

Oh ! that I could enucleate, 

And solve the problems of my fate ; 

Or find, by necromantic art. 

How far the Dest'nies take my part ; 

For if I were not more than certain 

To win and wear her, and her fortune, 

I'd go no farther in this courtship, 

To hazard soul, estate, and worship : 

For though an oath obliges not, 

"Where any thing is to be got, 

(As thou hast prov'd) yet 'tis profane, 

And sinful, when men swear in vain. ' 

Quoth Ralph, ' Not far from hence doth dwell 
A cunning man, hight Sidrophel,^ 
That deals in Destiny's dark counsels, 
And sage ojiinions of the Moon sells. 
To whom all people, far and near, 
On deep importances repair : 
AVhen brass and pewter hap to stray, 
And linen slinks out o' the way ; 
"VVhcn geese and pullen are seduc'd, 
And sows of sucking pigs are chows'd ; 
When cattle feel indisposition. 
And need the' opinion of physician ; 
When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep, 
And chickens languish of the pip -, 
"When yeast and outward means do fail, 
A !id have no power to work on ale ; 
\Vlien butter does refuse to come. 
And love proves cross and humoursome ; 

(1) William Lilly, the famous astrologer of those times, 
wlto in his yearly alinaiuu-ks foretold victories for the 
I arliaiiieiit \nth as juuch certainty as the preachers did in 
their sermons. 



CANTO III. nUDlBRAS. 205 

To him -with questions, and Avitli urine, 
They for discovery flock, or curing. * 

Quoth Hudibras, ' This Sidrophel 
I've heard of, and should like it well, 
If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom 
To go to sorcerers when they need 'em.' 

Says Ealpho, ' There's no doubt of that ; 
Those principles I quoted late 
Prove that the Godly may allege 
For any thing their privilege, ;' 

And to the dev'l himself may go, 
If they have motives thereunto . 
For as there is a war between 
The dev'l and them, it is no sin, 
If they by subtle stratagem 
Make use of him, as he does them. 
Has not this present Parl'ament 
A ledger to the devil sent, 
Fully impower'd to treat about 
Finding revolted witches out ? 
And has not he, within a year, 
Hang'd threescore of 'em in one shire ? 
Some only for not being drown'd, 
And some for setting above ground, 
Whole days and nights, upon their bro(u;hes, 
And feeling pain, were hang'd for witches ; 
And some for putting knavish tricks 
Upon green geese and turkey-chicks, ' 

Or pigs that suddenly deceast 
Of griefs unnatural, as he guest ; 
Who after prov'd himself a witch, 
And made a rod for his own breech. ^ 

(2) Hopkins, a noted witch-fiucler, is said to have brought 
threescore suspected witches to tlie gi'ave in one year ; till 
O 



206 nUDIBRAS. PART II. [ 

Did not the dev'l appear to Martin 

Luther in Gevmtiiiy, for certain ? 

And woukl have guU'd him -with a trick, 

Bnt Mart. Avas too, too politic. 

Did he not help the Dutch to purge, 

At Antwerp, their cathedral church ? 

Siug catches to the Saiuts at Mascon, 

And tell them all they came to ask him ? 

Appear in divers shapes to Kelly, 

And speak i' th' Nun of Loudon's helly ? 

Meet with the Parl'ament's Committee, 

At Woodstock, on a personal treaty ? 

At Sarum take a cavalier, 

r th' (Cause's service, prisoner? 

As AVither 3 in immortal rhyme 

Has registcr'd to after-time. 

Do not our great Reformers use 

Tliis Sidrophel to foreliode news ; 

To write of victories next year, 

And castles taken yet i' th' air ? 

Of battles fought at sea, and ships 

Sunk two years hcucc, the last eclipse ? 

A total o'erthrow giv'n the King 

In Cornwall, horse and foot, next sjiring? 

And has not he point-blank foretokl 

"VVhats'e'er the Close Committee would ■* ? 

some gentleman, out of indignation at his barbarity, sub- 
iecteil .liim to the water-ordeal he had inflicted on others. 

(:-!) Wither was a Puritanical officer in the Parlia;iient 
army ; which made his poetry decried, without rli\ im^ or 
reason, by Sir John Denhani, Anthony Wood, an<l other 
outrageous loyalists. 

(4) The Parliament took a sure way to secure all pro- 
phecies, prodigies, and almauack-reporta from stars, in 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 207 

Made Liars and Saturn for the Cause, 
The Moon for fundamental laws '( 
The Earn, the Bull, the Goat, declare 
Against the Book of Common-Prayer ? 
The Scorpion take the Protestation, 
And Bear engage for Reformation ? 
Made all the Ivoyal stars recant, 
Compound, and take the Covenant ? ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' The case is clear 
The Saints may' employ a conjurer, 
As thou hast ]>rov'd it by their practice ; 
No argument like matter of fact is : 
And we are best of all led to 
Men's principles, by what they do. 
Then let us straight advance in quest 
Of this profound gymnosophist, 
And as the Fates and he advise, 
Pursue, or waive this enterprise. ' 

This said, he turn'd about his steed, , 
And eftsoons on the' adventure rid ; 
Where leave we him and Ralph awhile, 
And to the conjurer turn our style, 
To let our reader understand 
What's useful of him before-hand. 
He had been long tow'rds mathematics 
Optics, philosophy, and statics, 
Magic, horosco]->y, astrology, 
And was old dog at physiology ; 
But as a dog that turns the S2)it 
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet 



favour of their own designs, by appointing a licence them- 
selves, and prohibiting the sale of all such books if un- 
licensed. Booker was their astrological agent. 

o2 



2vj8 IIUDIBrwVS. PART II. 

To climb the wlieel, Init all in vain, 

His own woi<flit brings liini down aj^ain, 

And still he's in the self-same place 

Where at his setting out he was ; 

So in the circle of the arts 

Did he advance his natural part.s, 

Till falling back still, for retreat. 

He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat : 

For as those fowls that live in water 

Are never wet, he did but smatter ; 

Whate'er he labour'd to a])pear, 

His understanding still was clear ; 

Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted, 

Since old Hodge Bacon, ^ and Bob Grosted.* 

Th' intelligible woild he knew, 

And all in(!U dream on't, to be tiixe ; 

That in this world there's not a wart 

That has not there a counterpart ; 

Nor can there on the face of ground 

An individual beard be found, 

That has not, in that foreign nation, 

A fellow of the self-same fashion ; 



(5) Roger Bacon, commonly callod Friar Bacon, lived in 
tlie reign of our Edward I. and for some little skill ho had 
in the mathematics, was by the rabble accounted a con- 
jurer, and had the sottish story of the Brazen Head fathered 
upon him by the ignorant Monks of those days. 

^6) Robert Grosted was Bishop of Lincoln, a.d. 1235. 
'He was susjiei'ted by the clergy to be a conjurer; for 
which crime (Butler's notes observe) he was dci)rivcd by 
Pope Iimocent IV. and summoned to appear at Rome.' 
But this is a mistake ; for the Pope's antijjathy to him 
was occasioned by his frankly exixistulating with liim 
(V)oth personally, and by lefler) on his oncruachmeuts 
ujion the English church and monarchy. 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 209 

So cut, SO colour'd, and so curl'd, 

As those are in the' inferior world. 

He 'ad read Dee's'' prefaces before 

The Devil, and Euclid, o'er and o'er ; 

And all the' intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly, 

Lescus ** and the Emperor, would tell ye : 

But with the moon was more familiar 

Than e'er was almanack well-wilier ; 

Her secrets understood so clear. 

That some believ'd he had been there ; 

Knew when she Avas in fittest mood 

For cutting corns, or letting blood ; 

When for anointing scabs or itches, 

Or to the bum applying leeches ; 

"When sows and bitches may be spay'd, 

And in what sign best cider's made ; 

"Whether the wane be, or increase, 

Best to set garlic, or sow pease ; 

"Who first found out the man i' th' moon, 

That to the Ancients was urd-:nown ; 

How many dukes, and earls, and peers, 

Are in the planetary spheres ; 

Their airy empire, and command. 

Their several strengths by sea and land ; 

"What factions they 'ave, and what they drive at 

In public vogue, or what in private : 

With what designs and interests 

Each party manages contests. 



(7) Dee was a Welshman, and educated at Oxford, where 
he commenced Doctor, and afterwards travelled into 
foreign parts, in quest of chemistry, fee. 

(S) Albertus Lascus, Laslcy, or Alasoo, Prince Palatine of 
Poland, concerned with Dee and Kelly. 



210 nUDIBRAS. r.VRT IT. 

lie made an instrument to know 

If the moon shine at full or no ; 

That would, as soon as e'er she shono, straif^ht 

Wliether 'twere day or night demonstrate ; 

Tell what her d'amcter to' an inch is, 

And prove that she's not made of green cheese. 

It would demonstrate, that the man in 

The moon's a sea ]\Ieditorranean ; 

And that it is no dog nor bitch 

That stands behind him at his breech, 

But a huge Caspian sea, or lake, 

With arms, which men for legs mistake ; 

How large a gulf his tail composes. 

And what a goodly bay his nose is ; 

How many Gei-man L 'agues by the' scale 

Cape Snout's from Promontory Tail. 

He made a planetary gin, 

Which rats would run their own heads in, 

And come on purpose to be taken, 

Without the' expense of cheese or bacon. 

With lute-strings he would counterfeit 

IMaggots that crawl on dish of meat ; 

Quote moles and spots on any place 

O' th' body, by the index face ; 

Detect lost maidenheads by sneezing, 

Or breaking wind of dames, or p— ng ; 

Cure wartb and corns, with application 

Of med'ciues to the' imagination ; 

Fright agues into dogs, and scare. 

With rhymes, the tooth-ach and catarrh ; 

Chase evil sp'rits away by dint 

Of sickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint ; 

Spit fire out of a walnut-shell. 

Which made the Roman slaves rebel : 



CANTO in. HUDIBRA3. 211 

And fire a mine in China here, 

With sympathetic gun -powder. 

He knew whats'ever's to be known, 

But much more than he Icnew would own. 

What med'eine 'twas tliat Paracelsus 

Could make a man with, as he tells us ; 

What figur'd slates are best to make, 

On wat'ry surface, duck or drake ; 

What bowling-stones, in running race ' 

Upon a board, have swiftest pace ; 

Whether a pulse beat in the Idack 

List of a dappled louse's back ; 

If systole or diastole move 

Quickest when he's in wrath, or love ; 

When two of them do run a race, 

Whether they gallop, trot, or juce ; 

How many scores a flea will jump. 

Of his own length, from head to rump, 

Which Socrates and Chcerephon 

In vain assay'd so long agone ; 

Whether his snout a perfect nose is, 

And not an elephant's proboscis ; 

How many different specieses 

Of maggots breed in rotten cheeses ; 

And which are next of kin to those 

Engender'd in a chandler's nose ; 

Or those not seen, but understood, 

That live in vinegar and wood. 

A paltry wretch he had, half-starv'd, 
That him in place of zany serv'd, 
Hight Whachura ^, bred to dash and draw, 
Not wine, but more unwholesome law ; 

(9) Journeyman to Sidropliel, who was one Tom Jones, a 
foolish Welshman. In a Key to a poem of Mr. Butler's, 



212 HUDIBr.AS. PART II, 

To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps, 

Wide as meridians in maps ; 

To squander paper, and spare ink, 

Or cheat men of their words, some think. 

From this, by merited degrees. 

He'd to more high advancement rise, 

To be an under-conjurer. 

Or journeyman astrohjger : 

His business was to pump and wheedle, 

And men with their own keys unriddle ; 

To make them to themselves give answers, 

For which they pay the necromancers ; 

To fetch and carry intelligence 

Of Avhom, and what, and where, and whence, 

And all discoveries disperse 

Among the' whole pack of conjurers ; 

What cut-purses have left with them, 

For the right owners to redeem, 

And what they dare not vent, find out, 

To gain tliemselves and the' art repute ; 

Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes, 

Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops, 

Of tliieves ascendant in the cart, 

And find out all by rules of art : 

Which way a serving-man, that's run 

With clothes or money away, is gone ; 

Who pick'd a fob at Holding-forth, 

And where a watch, for half the worth, 

May be redeem'd ; or stolen plate 

Hestor'd at conscionable rate. 

Wliachum is said to be one Richard Green, who published 
a pamphlet of about five sheets of base ribaldry, and 
called, Hudibras in a ^inare. It was printed about the 
year 1067. 



CANTO III. HUDIBKAS. 2]; 

Beside all this, he serv'd his master 

In quality of poetaster, 

And rhymes appropriate could make 

To every month i' th' almanack ; 

When terms begin and end could tell, 

With their returns, in doggerel ; 

When the Exchequer opes and shuts, 

And sowgelder with safety cuts ; 

When men may eat and drink their fill, 

And when be temperate, if the)' Avill ; 

When use, and when abstain from vice, 

Figs, gi'apes, phlebotojny, and spice. 

And as in prison mean rogues beat 

Hemp for the service of the great. 

So Whachum beats his dirty brains 

To' advance his master's fame and gains, 

And, like the devil's oracles. 

Put into doggrel rhymes his spells. 

Which over every month's blank page 

r th' almanack, strange bilks presage. 

He would an elegy corajjose 

On maggots squeez'd out of his nose ; 

In lyric numbers write an ode on 

His mistress, eating a black -pudding ; 

And when imprison'd air escap'd her, 

It puft him with poetic rapture. 

His sonnets charm'd the' attentive crowd, 

By wide-mouth'd mortal troll'd aloud, 

That, circled with his long-ear'd guests, 

Like Orpheus look'd among the beasts : 

A carman's horse could not pass by, 

But stood tied up to poetry ; 

No porter's burden pass'd along, 

But sery'd for burden to his song ; 



214 nUDIBRAS. PAET II. 

Eacii window like a pill'iy appears, 

Witli heads thrust throutfli, nail'd by the ears ; 

All trades run in as to the sight 

Of monsters, or their dear delight 

The gallow-tree, when cutting purse 

Breeds business for heroic verse, 

Which none does hear but would have hung 

To' have been the theme of such a song. 

Those two together long had liv'd, 
In mansion prudently contriv'd, 
Where neither tree nor house could bar 
The free detection of a star ; 
And nigh an ancient obelisk 
Was rais'd by him, found out by Fisk,^" 
On which was written, not in words, 
But hieroglyphic mute of birds, 
Many rare pithy saws, concerning 
The worth of astrologic learning ; 
From top of this there hung a rope, 
To which he fasten'd telescope, 
The spectacles with which the stars 
He reads in smallest characters. 
It happen 'd as a boy, one night, 
Did lly his tarsel of a kite ; 
The strangest long-wing'd hawk that flies, 
That, like a bird of Paradise, 
Or herald's martlet, has no legs. 
Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ; 

(10) Lilly .says that Fisk was a licentiate in physif, and 
born near Fraiiiliiij,'hain in Sullolk ; was bred at a CDunti-y- 
Bchool, and designed for the iniiversity, but went not 
thither, studying physie and astrologj' " at home, which 
afterwards he practised at (Jolcliester ; after which he cannj 
to London, and practised there. 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 21 i 

His train ^A'as six yards long, milk-wliite, 

At the' end of wliich there hung a light, 

Inclos'd in lantern made of paper, 

That far olf like a star did appear : 

This Sidrophel by chance espied, 

And with amazement staring wide, 

' Bless ns ! (quoth he) what dreadful wonder 

Is that appears in heaven yonder ? 

A comet, and without a beard ! 

Or star that ne'er before appear'd ? 

I'm certain 'tis not in the scrowl 

Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, 

AVith which, like Indian plantations. 

The learned stock the constellations ; 

Nor those that drawn for signs have been 

To the' houses where the planets inn. 

It must be supernatural, 

IJnless it be that cannon ball 

That, shot i' th' air point-blank upright, 

Was borne to that prodigious height 

That, learn'd philosophers maintain. 

It ne'er came backwards down again, 

But in the airy region yet 

Hangs, like the body of Mahomet : 

For if it be above the shade 

That by the earth's round bulk is made, 

'Tis probable it may, from far. 

Appear no bullet, but a star.' 

This said, he to his engine flew, 
Plac'd near at hand, in open view, 
And rais'd it till it levell'd right 
Against the glow-worm tail of kite, 
Then peeping through, — ' Bless us ! (quoth he) 
It is a, planet, now, I see ; 



216 HUDIBRAS. PAUT II 

And, if I eiT not, by his proper 

Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper, 

It should be Saturn : yes, 'tis clear 

'Tis Saturn, but what makes him there ? 

He's got between the Dragon's tail 

And farther leg behind o' th' Whale ; 

Pray Heav'n divert the fatal omen, 

For 'tis a prodigy not common, 

And can no less than the world's cud, 

Or Nature's funeral, portend. 

With that he fell again to pry. 

Through perspective, more wistfully, 

"When, by mischance, the fatal string. 

That kept the towering fowl on wing, 

Breaking, down fell the star, * Well shot ! * 

Quoth Wliachum, w4io right wisely thought 

He 'ad levell'd at a star, and hit it ; 

But Sidropliel, more subtilc-witted, 

Cried out, ' What horrible and fearful 

Portent is this, to see a star fall ? 

It threatens Nature, and the doom 

Will not bo long before it come ! 

When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough 

Tho day of judgment's not far off; 

As lately 'twas reveal'd to Sedgwick,*! 

And some of us iind out by magic : 

Then since the time we have to live 

In this world's shorten'd, let us strive 

(11) William SedgAviok, a whimsical enthusiast, sometimes 
a Presbytorian, sometimes an Independent, and at other 
times an Anabaptist ; sometimes a prophet, and pretended 
to foretel things, out of the pulpit, to the destruction of 
ignorant people ; at other times pretended to revelations ; 
and, upon pretence of a vision that Doomsday was at hand, 
he retired to the house of Sir Francis Russel in Cambridge- 
shire. 



CANTO in. HUDIBRAS. 217 

To make our best advantage of it, 
And pay our losses with our profit.' 

This feat fell out not long before 
The Knight, upon the forenam'd score, 
In quest of Sidrophel advancing, 
Was uov/ in prospect of the mansiou ; 
Whom he discov'ring, turn'd his glass, 
And found far off 'twas Hudibras. 

* Whachum, ' (quoth he) ' look yonder, some 
To try or use our art are come : 
The one's the learned Knight ; seek out, 
And pump 'em what they come about. ' 
Whachum advanc'd, with all submiss'ness 
To' accost 'em, but much more their bus'uess : 
He held a stirrup, while the Knight 
From leathern Bare-bones did alight ; 
And taking from his hand the bridle, 
Approach'd, the dark Squire to unriddle. 
He gave him first the time o' th' day, 
And welcom'd him, as he might say : 
He ask'd him, ' Whence they came, and whither 
Their bus'ness lay ? ' Quoth Kalpho, ' Hither. ' 
' Did you not lose ' — Quoth Ealpho, ' Nay. ' 
Quoth Whachum, ' Sir, I meant your way ! 
• — Your Knight' — Quoth Ralpho, 'is a lover, 
And pains intolerable doth sulfer ; 
For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts. 
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards : ' 
* What time ? ' Quoth Ealpho, ' Sir, too long, 
Three years it off and on has hung.' — 
Quoth he, ' I meant what time o' th' day 'tis ; ' 
Quoth Ealpho, ' BetAveen seven and eight 'tis. ' 
' Why then,' quoth Whachum, * my small art 
Tells me the dame has a hard heart. 



218 HUDIBRAS. PAE 

Or great estate.' — Quoth Ralph, ' A jointure, 

"Which makes hiiu have so hut a mind t' her. 

Moanwliile the Knight was making water, 

Before he fell upon the matter ; 

Which having done, the Wizard stej)s in, 

To give him suitable reception ; 

But kept his business at a bay, 

Till Wliachum put him in the way ; 

Who having now, by Ralpho's light. 

Expounded the' errand of the Knight, 

And what he came to know, drew near, 

To whisper in the conjurer's ear, 

AVhicli he prevented thus : ' What was't,' 

Quoth he, * that I was saying last. 

Before these gentlemen arriv'd ? ' — 

Quoth Whachum, ' Venus you retricv'd, 

In opposition with Mars, 

And no benigne frieudly stars 

To' allay the effect.' Quotli Wizard, ' So ! 

In Virgo ? Ha ! '—Quoth Whachum, ' No : 

* Has Saturn nothing to do in it ?' — 

* One tenth of 's circle to a minute ! ' 

* 'Tis well,' quoth he — 'Sir, you'll excuse 
This rudeness I am forc'd to use ; 

It is a scheme and face of heaven, 
As the' aspects are dispos'd this even, 
I was contemplating upon 
When you arriv'd ; but now I've doue.' 

Quoth Hubibras, ' If I appear 
Unseasonable in coming here 
At such a time, to interrupt 
Your speculations, which I hop'd 
Assistance from, and come to use ; 
'Tis lit that 1 ask your excuse.' 



CANTO III. HUDIBllAS. 219 

' By no means, Sir,' quotli SiJrophel, 
* The stars your coming did foretel ; 
1 did expect you here, and knew, 
Before you spake, your business too ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' Make that ajijKiar, 
And I shall credit whatsoe'er 
You tell me after, on your word, 
Howe'er unlikely or absui\l. ' 

' You are in love. Sir, with a widow, ' 
Quoth he, ' that does not greatly heed you, 
And for three years has rid your wit 
And passion, without drawing bit ; 
And now your business is to know 
If you shall carry her or no.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' You're in the right, 
But how the devil you come by't 
I can't imagine ; for the stars, 
I'm sure, can tell no move than a horse ; 
Nor can their aspects (though you i)ore 
Your eyes out on 'em) tell you more 
Than the' oracle of sieve and sheers, 
That turns as certain as the spheres : 
But if the devil's of your counsel, 
Much may be done, my noble Donzel ; 
And 'tis on his account I come. 
To know from you my fatal doom.' 

Quoth Sidrophel, ' If you suppose, 
Sir Knight, that I am one of those, 
I might suspect, and take tlie' alarm, 
Your business is but to inform ; 
Biit if it be 'tis ne'er the near. 
You have a wrong sow by the car ; 
For I assure you, for n)y part, 
I oidy deal by rules of art ; 



220 HUDILIIAS. TART ] 

Sucli as are lawful, and judge by 
Conclusions of astrology ; 
But for the devil know nothing by liim, 
But only this, that I defy him.' 

Quoth he, ' Whatever others deem ye, 
I understand your metonymy ; ♦ 

Your words of second-hand intention, 
When things by wrongful names you mention ; 
The mystic sense of all your terms, 
That are indeed but magic cliarms 
To raise the devil, and mean one thing, 
And that is down-right conjuring ; 
And in itself more warrantable 
Than cheat, or canting to a rabble, 
Or putting tricks upon the moon. 
Which by confed'racy are done. 
Your ancient conjurers were wont 
To make her from her sphere dismount. 
And to their incantation stoop ; 
They scorn'd to pore through telescope, 
Or idly play at bo-pcej) v/ith her. 
To find out cloudy or fair weather, 
Which every almanack can tell, 
Perhaps as learnedly and well 
As you yourself— then, friend, I doubt 
You go the farthest way about. 
Your modern Indian magician 
Makes but a hole in the' earth to p — in. 
And straight resolves all questions by't, 
And seldom fails to be i' th' right. 
The Rosycrucian way's more sure 
To bring the devil to the lure ; 
Each of 'em has a several gin, 
To catch intelligences in. 



JANTO III. HUDTBEAS. 221 

Some by the nose, witli fumes, trapan *em, 

ks Dunstan ^^ did the devil's grannam ; 

Dthers mth characters and words 

Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds ; 

A.nd some with symbols, signs, and tricks, 

Engrav'd in planetary nicks, 

With their own influences will fetch 'em 

Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em ; 

Make 'em depose and answer to 

All questions, ere they let them go. 

Bumbastus kept a devil's bird 

Shut in the pummel of his sword, 

That taught him all the cunninsr pranks 

Of past and future mountebauks. ' 

Kelly 1^ did all his feats upon 

The devil's looking-glass, a stone ; 

Where playing with him at bo-peep, 

He solv'd all problems ne'er so deep. 

Agrippa kept a Stygian pug, 

r th' garb and habit of a dog, 

That was his tutor, and the cur 

Read to the' occult philosopher, 

And taught him subtly to 7naintain 

All other sciences are vain. ' 

(■12) St. Dunstan was made Archbishop of Canterbury, 
%nno 961. His skill in the liberal arts and sciences fqualifi- 
:"Ations much above the genius of the age he lived in) gained 
him first the name of a Conjurer, and then of a Saint. 

(13) This Kelly was chief seer, or, as Lilly calls him, 
Speculator to Dr. Dee ; was boni at Worcester, and bred an 
apothecary, and was a good proficient in chemistry, and 
pretended to have the grand elixir, or philosopher's "stone, 
which Lilly tells us he made, or at least received ready 
made, from a Friar in Germany, on the confines of the 
Emperor's dominions. He pretended to see api>nritions in 
a crystal or beryl looking-glass (or a round stone like a 
crystal). 

P 



222 nUDIBRAS. PART II. 

To this, quoth Sidrophello : * Sir, 
Agi-ippa was no conjurer, 
Nor Paracelsus, no, nor Bchmen ; 
Nor was the dog a cacodtemon, 
But a true dog, that would show tricks 
For the' Emperor, and leap o'er sticks ; 
Would fetch and carry, was more civil 
Than other dogs, and yet no devil ; 
And whatsoe'er he's said to do, 
He went the self-same way we go. 
As for the Kosycross philosophers, 
Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, 
What they pretend to, is no more 
Than Trismegistus did before, 
Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, ^^ 
And Apollonius their mastei*, 
To whom they do confess they owe 
All that they do, and all they know. ' 

Quoth Hudibras, * Alas ! what is't t' us 
Whether 'twas said by Trismegistus, 
If it be nonsense, false, or mystic, 
Or not intelligible, or sophistic ? 
'Tis not antiquity, nor author. 
That makes truth Truth, although Time's daughter; 
'Twas he that put her in the pit, 
Before he pull'd her out of it ; 
And as he eats his sons, just so 
He feeds upon his daughters too. 
Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald 
Can make a gentleman, ^^ scarce a year old, 

(14) Zoroaster has been commonly reputed the first 
inventor of Magic. 

(15) Such gentry were Thomas Pury the elder, first a 
•weaver in Gloucester, then an ignorant solicitor. John 



CANTO III. nUDIBRAS. 223 

To be descended of a race 
Of ancient kings in a small space, 
That we should all opinions hold 
Authentic, that we can make old.' 
Quoth Sidrophel, ' It is no part 
Of prudence to cry down an art, 
And what it may perform deny, 
Because you understand not why ; 
(As Averrhois^^ play'd but a mean trick, 
To damn our whole art for eccentric) 
For who knows all that knowledge contains ? 
Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, 
But on their sides, or risings, seat ; 
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height. 
Do not the histories of all ages 
Relate miraculous presages 
Of strange turns, in the world's affairs, 
Foreseen by' astrologers, soothsayers, 
Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacs, 
And some that have writ almanacks? 
The Median Emperor^'' dreamt his daughter 
Had p — all Asia under water, 

Blackston, a poor shopkeeper of Newcastle. John Birch, 
formerly a carrier, afterwards colonel. Richard Salway, 
colonel, fomierly a grocer's man. Thomas Rainsborough, a 
skipper of Lynn, colonel and vice-admiral of England. 
Colonel Thomas Scott, a brewer's clerk. Colonel Philip 
Skippon, originally a waggoner to Sir Fra. Vere. Colonel 
John Jones, a serving-man. Colonel Barkstead, a pitiful 
thimble and bodkin goldsmith. Colonel Pride, a foundling 
and drayman. Colonel Hewson, a one-eyed cobbler ; and 
Colonel Harrison, a butcher. These, and hundred3.more, 
affected to be thought gentlemen, and lorded it over 
persons of the first rank and quality. 

(16) An Arabian physician, who lived at Cordova in Spain. 

(17) Astyages, King of Media. See Herodotus. 

p2 



224 HUDIBKAS. PART II. 

And tliat a vine, spiamg from her hannches, 

O'erspread his empire with its branches ; 

Ajid did not soothsayers expound it, 

As. after by the' event he found it? 

AVhen C^sar in the senate fell, 

Did not the sun eclips'd foretell. 

And, in resentment of his slaughter, 

Look'd pale for almost a year after ? 

Augustus having, by oversight. 

Put on his left shoe 'fore his right, 

Had like to liave been slain that day, 

By soldiers mutin'ing for pay. 

Are there not myriads of this sort, 

Which stories of all times report ? 

Is it not ominous in all countries, 

"When crows and ravens croak upon trees ? 

The Roman senate, when within 

The citj'' walls an owl was seen. 

Did cause their clergy, with lustrations, 

(Our Synod calls Humiliations) 

The round-fac'd prodigy to' avert 

From doing town or country hurt. 

And if an owl have so much pow'r. 

Why should not planets have much more, 

That in a region far above 

Inferior fowls of the air move, 

And should see further, and foreknow 

More than their augury below? 

Though that once serv'd the polity 

Of mighty states to govern by ; 

And tliis is what we take in hand 

By powerful Art to understrmd ; 

Which, how we have perform'd, all ages 

Can speak the' events of our presages. 



CANTO III. HUDIBKAS. 225 

Have we not lately, in the moon, 
Found a new world, to the' old unknown ? 
DisCover'd sea and land, Columbus 
And Magellan could never compass ? 
Made mountains with our tubes appear, 
And cattle grazing on 'em there ? ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' You lie so ope, 
That I, without a telescope. 
Can find your tricks out, and descry 
Where you tell truth, and where you lie : 
For Anaxag'ras, long agone. 
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' moon, 
And held the sun was but a piece 
Of red-hot iron as big as Greece ; 
Believ'd the heav'ns were made of stone, 
Because the sun had voided one ; 
And, rather than he would recant 
The' opinion, sufFer'd banishment. 

' But what, alas ! is it to us, 
Whether i' th' moon men thus or thus 
Do eat their porridge, cut their corns, 
Or whether they have tails or horns ? 
What trade from thence can you advance, 
But what we nearer have from France ? 
What can our travellers bring home, 
That is not to be learnt at Rome ? 
What politics, or strange opinions. 
That are not in our own dominions ? 
What science can be brought from thence, 
In which we do not here commence ? 
What revelations, or religions, 
That are not in our native nations ? 
Are sweating lanterns, or screen-fans. 
Made better there than they are in France ? 



226 IIUDIBllAS. PxVRT II. 

Or do tliey teacn to sing and play 
0' th' guitar there a newer way ? 
Can they make pL^ys there, that shall tit 
The public humour with less wit ? 
Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 
Or fight with more ingenious blows ? 
Or does the man 1' th' moon look big, 
And wear a huger periwig ? 
Show in his gait, or face, more tricks 
Than our own native lunatics ? 
But if we outdo him here at home, 
What good of your design can come ? 
As wind i' th' hypocondries jjent, 
Is but a blast if downward sent ; 
But if it upward chance to fly. 
Becomes new light and prophecy ; 
So when your speculations tend 
Above their just and useful end, 
Although they promise strange and great 
Discoveries of things far fet, 
They are but idle dreams and fancies, 
And savour strongly of the ganzas.^^ 
Tell me but what's the natural cause 
Why on a sign no painter draws 
The full-moon ever, but the half? 
Resolve that with your Jacob's ^^ staff; 
Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, 
And dogs howl when she shines in water ? 

(18) Domingo Gonsales wrote a Voyage to the Moon, and 
pretended to be carried thither by geese in Spanish gauzas. 
See Turlfish Spy, vol, v. 

(19) Jacob's staff is a mathematical instrument for taking 
heights and distances. 



CANTO III. HUDIBKAS. 227 

And I shall freely give my vote, 

You may know something more remote.' 

At this deep Sidrophel look'd wise, 
And staring round with owl-like eyes, 
He put his face into a posture 
Of sapience, and began to bluster ; 
For having three times shook his head 
To stir his wit up, thus he said : 
* Art has no mortal enemies 
Next ignorance, but owls and geese ; 
Those consecrated geese, in orders, 
That to the Capitol were warders, 
And being then upon patrol, 
With noise alone beat off the Gaul ; 
Or those Athenian sceptic owls. 
That will not credit their own souls, 
Or any science understand, 
Beyond the reach of eye or hand ; 
But measuring all things by their own 
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known : 
Those wholesale critics, that in cotfee- 
Houses cry down all philosophy, 
And will not know upon what ground 
In Nature, we our doctrine found. 
Although with pregnant evidence 
We can demonstrate it to sense, 
As I just now have done to you, 
Foretelling what you came to know. 
Were the stars only made to light 
Robbers, and burglarers by night ? 
To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, 
And lovers solacing behind doors, 
Or giving one another pledges 
Of matrimony under hedges ? 



228 IIUDIBRAS. PART II. 

Or witches sirapliiig, and on gibbets 

Cutting from malefactors snippets ? 

Or from the pillory tips of ears 

Of rcbel-saiuts and perjurers, 

Only to stand by, and look on. 

But not know what is said or done ? 

Is there a constellation there 

That was not born and bred up here ? 

And therefore cannot be to Icurn 

In any inferior concern ? 

Were they not, during all their lives, 

ilost of 'em pirates, whores, and thieves ? 

And is it like they have not still 

In their old practices some skill ? 

Is there a planet that by birth 

Does not derive its house from earth, 

And therefore probably must know 

"What is, and hath been done below ? 

Who made the Balance, or whence came 

The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ? 

Did not we here the Argo rig. 

Make Berenice's periwig ? 

Whose livery does the coachman wear? 20 

Or who made Cassiopeia's chair ? 

And therefore as they came from hence, 

With us may hold intelligence. 

Plato denied the world can be 

Govern'd without geometry, 

(For money b'ing the common scale 

Of things by measure, weight, and tale, 

(29) Alluding to Charlos's "Wain : seven stars in the 
consitellation Ursa Major, of which Bootes is called the 
driver. 



CANTO III. IIUDIBRAS. 229 

In all the' affairs of church and state, 
'Tis both the balance and the weight ;) 
Then much less can it be without 
Divine astrology made out, 
That puts the other down in worth, 
As far as heaven's above the earth.' 

' These reasons,' quoth the Kniglit, * I grant 
Are something moi'c significant 
Than any that the learned use 
Upon this siibject to produce ; 
And yet they're far from satisfactory'-, 
To' establish and keep up your factory. 
The' Egyptians say, the sun has twice 
Shifted his setting and his rise ; 
Twice has he risen in the west, 
As many times set in the east ; 
But whether that be true or no, 
The devil any of you know. 
Some hold the heavens, like a top, 
Are kept by circulation up. 
And were't not for their wheeling round, 
They'd instantly fall to the ground ; 
As sage Empedocles of old. 
And from him modern authors hold. 
Plato believ'd the sun and moon 
Below all other planets run. 
Some Mercury, some Venus seat 
Above the sun himself in height. 
The learned Scaliger complain'd 
'Gainst what Copernicus maiutaiu'd. 
That in twelve hundred years and odd, 
The sun had left its ancient road. 
And nearer to the earth is come 
'Bove fifty thousand miles from home ; 



230 IIUDIBEAS. PART II. 

Swore 'twas a most notorious flam, 

And he that had so little shame 

To vent such fopperies abroad, 

Deserv'd to have his rump well claw'd ; 

"Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore 

That he deserv'd the rod much more, 

That durst upon a truth give doom, 

He knew less than the Pope of Rome. 

Cardon believ'd great states depend 

Upon the tip &' th' Bear's-tail's end, 

That as she whisk'd it tow'rds the sun, 

Strow'd mighty empires up and down ; 

Which others say must needs be ftilse, 

Because your true bears have no tails. 

Some say the Zodiac constellations 

Have long since chang'd their antique stations 

Above a sign, and prove the same 

In Taurus now, once in the Ram ; 

Affirmed the Trigons chopp'd and chang'd, 

The wat'ry with the fieiy rang'd ; 

Then how can their effects still hold 

To be the same they were of old ? 

This, though the art were true, would mako 

Our modern soothsayers mistake. 

And is one cause they tell more lies. 

In figures and nativities, 

Than the' old Chaldean conjurers, 

In so many hundred thousand years ; 

Beside their nonsense in translating, 

For want of Accidence and Latin, 

Like Idus, and Calendse, Englisht 

The Quarter-days,*^ by skilful linguist ; 

(21) Supiiosed to ho a banter on Faushaw's translation of 
Horace. Exod. ii. 60, 70. 



CANTO IIJ. HUDIBEAS. 231 

And yet witli canting, slciglit, and cheat, 

'Twill serve their turn to do the feat ; 

Make fools believe in their foreseeing 

Of things before they are in being ; 

To swallow gudgeons ere they're catch'd, 

And count their chickens ere they're hatch'd ; 

Make them the constellations prompt, 

And give 'em back their own accompt ; 

But still the best to him that gives 

The best price for't, or best believes. 

Some towns, some cities, some, for brevity, 

Have cast the' versal world's nativity, 

And made the infant-stars confess, 

Like fools or children, what they please. 

Some calculate the hidden fates 

Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats ; 

Some running-nags, and fighting-cocks ; 

Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox : 

Some take a measure of the lives 

Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives ; 

Make opposition, trine, and quartile, 

Tell who is barren, and who fertile ; 

As if the planet's first aspect 

The tender infant did infect 

In soul and body, and instil 

All future good and future ill ; 

"Which in their dark fatal'ties lurking, 

At destin'd periods fall a-working. 

And break out, like the hidden seeds 

Of long diseases, into deeds, 

In friendships, enmities, and strife, 

And all the' emergencies of life : 

No sooner does he peep into 

The world, but he has done his do. 



232 TUTDICRAS. I 

Catch M all diseases, took all physic 
That cui-es or kills a man that is sick ; 
JSlarried his punctual dose of wives, 
Is cuckolded, and breaks, or thrives. 
Tlicre's but the twinkling of a star 
P>etween a man of peace and war ; 
A thief and justice, fool and knave, 
A iiufiing officer and a slave ; 
A crnfty lawyer and pick])ocket, 
A great philosopher and a blockhead ; 
A formal preacher and a player, 
A learn'd physician ami matislaycr : 
As if men from the stai-s did suck 
Old age, diseases, and illduck, 
Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, 
Ti-ade, travel, women, claps, and dice ; 
And draw, with the first air they breathe, 
Battle and murder, sudden death. 
Are not these fine commodities 
To be imported from the skies, 
And vented here among the rabble, 
For stable goods and warrantable ? 
Like money by the Druids borrow'd, 
In the' other Avorld to be restored.' 

Quoth Sidrophel, ' To let you know 
You wrong the art, and artists too, 
Since arguments are lost on those 
That do our principles oppose, 
I will (although I've done't before) 
Demonstrate to your sense once more, 
And draw a figure that shall tell you 
What you, perhaps, forgot befel you, 
By way of horary inspection, 
Which some account our worst erection.' 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 233 

"With that he circles draws, and squares, 
"With ciphers, astral characters ; 
Then looks 'em o'er to understand 'em, 
Although set down hab-nab, at random. 

Quoth he, ' This scheme of the' heavens set, 
Discovers how in fight you met, 
At Kingston, with a May-pole idol. 
And that y' were bang'd both back and side well. 
And though you overcame the Bear, 
The Dogs beat you at Brentford fair ; 
"Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle ; 
And handled you like a fop-doodle.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' I now perceive 
You are no conjurer, by your leave ; 
That paltry story is untrue, 
And forg'd to cheat such gulls as you.' 

' Not true ! ' quoth he, ' Howe'er you vapour, 
I can what I affirm make appear ; 
"Whachum shall justify it to your face, 
And prove he was upon the place : 
He play'd the saltinl)ancho's part, 
Transform'd to a Frenchman by my art ; 
He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, 
Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead ; 
And what you lost I can produce. 
If you deny it, here i' th' house.' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' I do believe 
That argument's demonstrative : 
Ralpho, bear witness, and go fetch us 
A constable to seize the wretches ; 
For though they're both ftilse knaves and cheats, 
Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, 
I'll make them serve for pei-pendic'lars. 
As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 



234 nUDIBRAS. PART II. 1 

They're guilty, by their own confessions, 
Of felony, and at the Sessions 
Upon the bench I will so handle 'em, 
That the vibration -2 of this pendulum 
Shall make all tailors' yards of one 
Unanimous opinion ; 
A thing he long has vapour'd of, 
But now shall make it out by proof.' 

Quoth Sidrophel, ' I do not doubt 
To find friends that will bear me out ; 
Nor have I hazarded my art. 
And neck, so long on the state's part, 
To be expos'd, i' th' end, to suffer 
By such a braggadocio buffer.' 

' Huffer ! ' quoth Hudibras, ' this sword 
Shall down thy false throat cram that word. 
Ealpho, make haste, and call an oflicer, 
To apprehend this Stygian sophister ; 
Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay 
Lest he and Whachum run away.' 

But Sidrophel, who from the' aspect 
Of Hudibras did now erect 
A figure worse portending far 
Than that of most malignant star, 
Bcliev'd it now the fittest moment 
To shun the danger that might come on't, 
While Hudibras was all alone, 
And he and AVhachum, two to one. 
This being resolv'd, he spied, by chance, 
Behind the door, an iron lance. 
That many a sturdy limb had gor'd, 
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd ; 

(22) The vibration of a pendulum was a device intended 
to aettle a certain measure all the world over. 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 235 

He snatch'd it up, and made a pass, 
To make his way through Hudibras. 
Whachum had got a fire-fork, 
"With which he vow'd to do his work ; 
But Hudibras was well prepar'd, 
And stoutly stood upon his guard : 
He put by Sidrophello's thrust. 
And in right manfully he rusht ; 
The weapon from his gripe he wrung, 
And laid him on the earth along. 
Whachum his sea-coal prong threw hy, 
And basely turn'd his back to fly ; 
But Hudibras gave him a twitch, 
As quick as lightning, in the breech. 
Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, 
As wise philosophers have judg'd, 
Because a kick in that place more 
Hurts honour, than deep Avounds before. 

Quoth Hudibras, * The stars determine 
You are my prisoners, base vermine : 
Could they not tell you so, as well 
As what I came to know foretel ? 
By this what cheats you are we find, 
That in your own concerns are blind. 
Your lives are now at my dispose, 
To be redeem'd by fine or blows ; 
But who his honour would defile, 
To take, or sell, two lives so vile ? 
I'll give you quarter ; hut your pillage, 
The conquering warrior's crop and tillage, 
"Which with his sword he reaps and j)loughs, 
That's mine, the law of arms allows. ' 

This said in haste, in haste he fell 
To rummaging of Sidrophel. 



236 HUDIBRAS. PA 

First tie expounded both his pockets, 

And found a watch, with rings and lockets, 

"VVliich had been left with him to' erect 

A figure for, and so detect ; 

A copperplate, with almanacks 

Kngrav'd upon't, Axnth other knacks 

Of Booker's, Lilly's, Sarah Jimmers,^^ 

And blank-schemes to discover nimmers ; 

A moon dial, with Napier's bones, '^'^ 

And several constellation stones, 

Engrav'd in planetary hours, 

That over mortals had strange power3 

To make 'em thrive in law or trade, 

And stab or poison to evade ; 

In wit or wisdom to improve, 

And be victorious in love. 

Whachum had neither cross nor pile, 

His plunder was not worth the while ; 

All which the conqueror did discompt, 

To pay for curing of his rump. 

But Sidrophel, as full of tricks 

As Rota-men of politics. 

Straight cast about to over-reach 

The' unwary conqueror with a fetch. 



(23) John Booker wns born in Manchester, and was a 
famous astrohiger in the time of tiie civil wars. He was 
a great acquaintance of Lilly's ; and so was this Sarah 
Jiinmers, whom Lilly calls Sarah Shelhorn, a great specu- 
latrix. He owns he was very familiar with her, so that it 
la no wonder that tl e Kniglit found several of tlieir knick- 
knacks in Sidrophel's cabinet. 

(24) Napier's bones or rods were contrived by the celo- 
brnted Na]iier of Mtirchiston. for the purpose of facilitating 
certain aritlunetical operations. 



CANTO III. IIUDIBllAS. 237 

And make him glad, at least, to quit 
His victory, and fly the pit, 
Before the secular prince of darkness 
Arriv'd to seize upon his carcass : 
And as a fox, with hot pursuit 
Chas'd through a warren, casts about, 
To save his credit, and among 
Dead vermin on a gallows hung ; 
And while the dogs run underneath, 
Escap'd (by counterfeiting death) 
Not out of cunning, but a train 
Of atoms justling in his brain. 
As learn'd philosophers give out ; 
So Sidrophello cast about 
And fell to's wonted trade again. 
To feign himself in earnest slain : 
First stretch'd out one leg, then another, 
And seeming in his breast to smother 
A broken sigh ; *|Uoth he, ' Where am I ? 
Alive, or dead ? or which way came I 
Through so immense a space so soon ? 
But now I thought myself i' th' moon, 
And that a monster, with huge whiskers, 
More formidable than a Switzer's, 
My body through and through had drill'd. 
And Whachum by my side had kill'd, 
Had cross-examin'd both our hose, 
And plunder'd all we had to lose ; 
Look, there he is, I see him now. 
And feel the place I am run through ; 
And there lies Whachum by my si Ic 
Stone dead, and in his own blood dy'd. 
Oh ! oh ! ' — with that he fetch'd a groan, 
And fell again into a swoon, 
Q 



238 nuDiBrwVS. taut ii. 

Shut both his eyes, and stopt his breath, 
And to the life out-acted death ; 
That Hudibras, to all appcarinj^, 
Believ'd him to be dead as herring. 
He held it now no longer safe 
To tarry tlie return of Ealph, 
But rather leave him in the lurch : 
Thought he, ' He has abus'd our Church, 
Eefus'd to give himself one firk 
To cany on the Public Work ; 
Despis'd our Synod men like dirt, 
And made their Discijdine his sport ; 
Divulg'd the secrets of their Classes, 
And their Conventions ])rov'd high places ; 
Disparag'd tlieir tithe-pigs, as Pagan, 
And set at nought their cheese and bacon ; 
Kail'd at their Covenant, and jeer'd 
Tlieir reverend Parsons, to my beard ; 
For all which scandnls, to be quit 
At once, this juncture falls out fit. 
I'll make him henceforth to beware, 
And tempt my fury if he dare : 
He must at least liold up his hand. 
By twelve freeholders to be scann'd, 
"Who by their skill in palmistry, 
Will quickly read his destiny. 
And make him glad to read his lesson, 
Or take a turn for't at the Session, 
Unless his light and gifts prove truer 
Than ever yet they did, Pm sure ; 
For if he 'scape with whi]iping now, 
'Tis more than he can lio])e to do ; 
And that will disengage my Conscience 
Of the' obligation, in his own sense : 



CANTO III. HFDIBRAR. 239 

T'll make him now by force abide 

What he b}^ gentle means denied, 

To give my honour satisfaction, 

And right the Brethren in the action. ' 

This being resolv'd, with equal speed 

And conduct he approach'd his steed, 

And, with activity unwont, 

Assay'd the lofty beast to mount ; 

"Which once achiev'd, ho spurr'd his palfry, 

To get from the' enemy and Ralph free ; 

Left danger, fears, and foes behind, 

And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. 



Q2 



AN 

HEROICAL EPISTLEi 

OF 

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROl'IIEL. 



Eccc itoruin Crispiuus.- 



Wj:i.l, Sidrophel, though 'tis in vain 
To tamper with your crazy brain, 
Without trepanning of your scull, 
As ol'ten as the moon's at full, 
'Tis not amiss, ere ye're giv'n o'er, 
To try ono desperate med'cine more ; 

(l) Tills Epistle was published ten years after the Third 
Canto of this Soeoud Part, to which it is now annexed, 
namely, in the year 1674 ; and is said, in a Key to a h\\T- 
lesque ])oem of ^Ir. Butler's, published 1706. to have been 
occasioned by Sir Paul NeaJ, a conceited virtuoso, and 
member of the Royal Society, who coTistantly aflirmed that 
Mr. Butler was not the Author of Hudibras, which occa- 
sioned this Epistle ; and by some he has been taken for the 
real Sidrophel of the PoeuL This was the gentleman who 
is said to have made a great discovery of an elephant in 
the moon, which, upon exaiiiinntion, prov(!d to be no other 
than a mouse which had jiiistakcii its way, and got into his 
telescoite. Sec Poem, entilled, The Elephant in Uia 
Moon, Vol. III. 



HUDIBRAS TO SIDEOPIIEL. 241 

For where your case can be no worse. 

The desp'rat'st is the wisest course. 

Is't possible that you, whose ears 

Are of the tribe of Issachar's, 

And might (with equal reason) either 

For merit, or extent of leather, 

"With William Prynne's, before they were 

Retrench'd and crucified, compare, 

Should yet be deaf against a noise 

So roaring as the public voice ? 

That speaks your virtues free and loud, 

And openly in every crowd. 

As loud as one that sings his part 

To' a wheel-barrow, or turnip-cart, 

Or your new nick'd-nam'd old invention 

To cry green-Hastings with an engine ; 

(As if the vehemence had stunn'd, 

And turn your drumheads with the sound) 

And 'cause your folly's now no news, 

But overgrown, and out of use, 

Persuade yourself there's no such matter, 

But that 'tis vanish'd out of Nature ; 

"When Folly, as it grows in years, 

The more extravagant appears ; 

For who but you could be possest 

"With so much ignorance and beast, 

That neither all men's scorn and hate, 

Nor being laugh'd and pointed at, 

Nor bray'd so often in a mortar, 

Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture. 

But (like a reprobate) what course 

'Soever us'd, grow worse and worse ? 

Can no transfusion of the blood, 

That makes fools cattle, do yon good ? 



242 HlTDlBrvAS TO SIDROPHEL. 

Nor putting pigs to' a Litcli to nurse, 
To turn 'era into mongrel-curs, 
Put you into a way, at least, 
To make yourself a better beast ? 
Can all your critical intrigues, 
Of trying sound from rotten eggs ; 
Your several new-found remedies, 
Of curing wounds and scabs in trees ; 
Your arts of fluxing them for claps, 
And purging their infected saps ; 
Eecovering shankers, crystallines, 
And nodes and blotches in their rinds, 
Have no effect to operate 
Upon that duller block, your pate ? 
But still it must be lewdly bent 
To tem]it your own due punishment ; 
And, like your whimsied chariots, draw 
The boys to course you without law ; 
As if the art you have so long 
Profess'd of making old dogs young, 
In you had virtue to renew 
Not only youth, but childhood too. 
Can you, that understand all books, 
By judging only with your looks, 
Resolve all problems with your face. 
As others do with B's and A's ; 
Unriddle all that mankind knows 
"With solid bending of your brows ; 
All arts and sciences advance, 
With screwing of your countenance, 
And with a penetrating eye, 
Into the' abstrusest learning pry ; 
Know more of any trade by' a hint, 
Than those that have been bred up in't, 



HUDIBr.AS TO SIDROPIIEL. 213 

And yet have no art, trno or false, 

To help your own bad naturals ? 

But still the more you strive to' appear, 

Are found to be the wretch eder : 

For fools are known by looking wise, 

As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 

Hence 'tis that 'cause ye 'ave gain'd o' tli' college 

A quarter share (at most) of knowledge. 

And brought in none, but spent repute, 

Y' assume a pow'r as absolute 

To judge, and censure, and conti'ol, 

As if you were the sole Sir Poll, 

And saucily pretend to know 

More than your dividend comes to : 

You'll find the thing will not be done 

With ignorance and face alone : 

"No, though ye 'ave purclias'd to your name 

In history, so great a fame ; ' 

That now your talent's so well known, 

For having all belief outgrown. 

That every strange prodigious tale 

Is measur'd by your German scale — 

By which the virtuosi try 

The magnitude of every lie. 

Cast up to what it does amount. 

And place the bigg'st to your account ; 

That all those stories that are laid 

Too truly to you, and those made. 

Are now still charg'd upon your score, 

And lesser authors nam'd no more. 



(2) These two lines seem to indicate that Lilly, aii<l not 
Sir Paul Neal, was here lashed underthe name of Sidro-phel: 
for Lilly's fame abroad was indisputable. 



244 IIUDIBRAS TO SIDEOrnEL. 

Alas ! that faculty betrays 

Those soonest it designs to raise ; 

And all your vain renown will spoil, 

As guns o'ercharg'd the more recoil ; 

Though he that has hut impudence, 

To all things has a fair pretence ; 

And put among his wants but shame, 

To all the world may lay his claim : 

Though you have tried that nothing's borne 

With greater ease than public scorn, 

That all affronts do still give place 

To your impenetrable face ; 

That makes your way through all affairs, 

As pigs through hedges cro(q) with theirs : 

Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass. 

You must not think 'twill always pass ; 

For all impostors, when they're known, 

Are past their labour, and undone : 

And all the best that can befid 

An artificial natural,. 

Is that which madmen find, as soon 

As once they're broke loose from the moon, 

And, proof against her influence, 

Belapse to e'er so little sense. 

To turn stnrk fools, and subjects fit 

For sport of boys and rabble-wit. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART III. CANTO I. 



> s 




THE ARGUMENT. 

The Knight and Squire resolve at once. 

The one the other to renounce ; 

They both approach the Lady's bower, 

The Squire to' inform, the Knight to avoo her. 

She treats them with a masquerade, 

By Furies and Hobgoblins made ; 

From which the Squire conveys the Knight 

And steals him from himself by night. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART III, CANTO I. 

'Tis true no lover has that powY 

To' enforce a desperate amour, 

As he that has two strings to' his bo^w, 

And burns for love and money too ; 

For then he's brave and resolute, 

Disdains to render in his suit ; 

Has all his flames and raptures double, 

And hangs, or drowns, with half the trouble 

While those who sillily pursue 

The simple downright way and true. 

Make as unlucky applications, 

And steer against the stream, their passions. 

Some forge their mistresses of stars, 

And when the ladies prove averse, 

And more untoward to be won 

Than by Caligula the moon, 

Cry out upon the stars for doing 

111 offices, to cross their wooing. 

When only by themselves they're hind'red, 

For tinisting those they made her kindred, 

And still the harsher and hide-bounder 

The damsels prove become the fonder ; 

For what mad lover ever died 

To gain a soft and gentle bride ? 

Or for a lady tender-hearted, 

In purling streams or hemp departed ? "^ 



248 HUDIBRAP. TART ] 

Lcap'd headlong into' Elysinm, 
■■J'hi'oiigli the' windows of a dazzling room ? 
But for some cross ill-natur'd dame, 
The amorous fly burnt in his flame. 
This to the Knight could be no news, 
"With all mankind so much in use, 
Wlio therefore took the Aviser course, 
To make the most of his amours, 
Kesolv'd to try ail sorts of ways, 
As follows in due time and place. 
No sooner was the bloody fight 
Between the Wizard and the Knight, 
With all the' appurtenances, over, 
But he relaps'd again to' a lover, 
As he was always wont to do, 
When he 'ad discomfited a foe. 
And us'd the only antique philters 
Deriv'd from old heroic tilters. 
But now tiiumphant, and victorious, 
He held the' achievement was too glorious 
For such a conqueror to meddle 
With petty constable or beadle, 
Or fly for refuge to the hostess 
Of the' inns of Court and Chancery, Justice ; 
Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause 
To the' ordeal trial of the laws, 
Where none cscayte, but such as branded 
With red-hot irons have past bare-handed ; 
And if they cannot read one verse 
r th' Psalms, must sing it, and that's worse. 
He, therefore, judging it below him 
To tempt a shame the dev'l might owe him, 
Eesolv'd to leave the Squire for bail 
And mainprize for him, to the gaol. 



CANTO I. nUDIBRAS. 249 

To answer, witli liis vessel, all 

That miglit disastrously befall, 

And thought it now the fittest juncture 

To give the Lady a rencounter, 

To' acquaint her with his expedition. 

And conquest o'er the fierce magician ; 

Describe the manner of the fray. 

And show the spoils he brought away ; 

His bloody scourging aggravate, 

The number of the blows, and weight ; 

All which might probably succeed. 

And gain belief he 'ad done the deed : 

Which he resolv'd to' enforce, and spare 

No pawning of his soul to swear ; 

But rather than produce his back, 

To set his conscience on the rack ; 

And in pursuance of his urging 

Of articles perform'd, and scourging, 

And all things else, upon his part, 

Demand delivery of her heart. 

Her goods, and chattels, and graces, 

And person, up to his embraces. 

Thought he, * the ancient errant knights 

Won all their ladies' hearts in fights, 

And cut whole giants into fritters. 

To put them into amorous twitters ; 

Whose stubborn bowels scorn'd to yield, 

Until their gallants were half kill'd ; 

But when their bones were drubb'd so sore, 

They durst not woo one combat more, 

The ladies' hearts began to melt, 

Subdued by blows their lovers felt. 

So Spanish heroes, with their lances. 

At once wound bulls and ladies' fancies ; 



250 nUDIBRA?. PAUT III. 

And lie acquires tlie noLlest spouse 
That widows greatest herds of cows ; 
Then what may I expect to do, 
Who 'ave quell'd so vast a buffalo ? 

Meanwhile the Squire was on his way, 
The Knight's late orders to obey ; 
Who sent him for a strong detachment 
Of beadles, constables, and watchmen, 
To* attack the cunning-man, for plunder 
Committed falsely on his lumber ; 
When he, who had so lately sack'd 
The enemy, had done the fact. 
Had rifled all his pokes and fobs 
Of gimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs, 
Which he by hook or crook had gather'd, 
And for his own inventions father'd ; 
And when they should at goal delivery, 
Unriddle one another's thievery, 
Both might have evidence enough 
To render neither halter-proof : 
He thought it desperate to tarry, 
And venture to he accessary ; 
But rather wisely slip his fetters. 
And leave them for the Knight, his betters. 
He call'd to mind the' unjust foul play 
He would have offer'd him that day. 
To make him cui-ry his own hide, 
Which no beast ever did beside, 
Without all possible evasion, 
But of the, riding dispensation : 
And therefore much about the hour 
The Knight (for reasons told before) 
Resolv'd to leave him to the fury 
Of Justice, and an iinback'd jury, 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 251 

The Squire concurr'd to' abandon liim, 

And serve liini in the self same trim ; 

To' acquaint the Lady what he 'ad done, 

And wliat he meant to carry on ; 

What project 'twas he went about, 

"When Sidrophel and he fell out ; 

His firm and stedfast resolution, 

To swear her to an execution ; 

To pawn his inward ears to marry her, 

And bribe the devil himself to carry her ; 

In which both dealt as if they meant 

Their party-saints to represent, 

AVho never fail'd, upon their sharing 

In any prosperous arms-bearing, 

To lay themselves out, to supplant 

Each other cousin-gcrman saint. 

But ere the Knight could do his part, 

The Squire had got so much the start. 

He 'ad to the Lady done his errand, 

And told her all his tricks aforehand. 
Just as he finish'd his report. 
The Knight alighted in the court, 
And having tied his beast to' a pale. 
And taking time for both to stale. 
He put his band and beard in order, 
The sprucer to accost and board her : 
And now began to' approach the door, 
"When she, wh' had spied him out before, 
Convey 'd the' informer out of sight. 
And went to entertain the Knight ; 
"With whom encountering, after longees 
Of humble and siibmissive congees, 
And all due ceremonies paid. 
He strok'd his beard, and thus he said : 



252 uuDTBr.As. pj 

' Madam, I do, as is my duty, 
Honour the shadow of your shoe-tie ; 
And now am come, to bring your car 
A present you'll be glad to hear ; 
At least I ho2)e so ; the thing's done, 
Or may I never see the sun, 
For which I humbly now demand 
Performance at your gentle hand ; 
And that you'd please to do your part, 
As I have done mine to my smart.' 

With that he shrugg'd his sturdy back, 
As if he felt his shoulders ache : 
But she, who well enough knew what 
(Before he spoke) he would be at, 
Pretended not to apprehend 
The mystery of what he mean'd, 
And therefore wished him to expound 
His dark expressions less profound. 

' Madam,' quoth he, ' I come to prove 
How much Pvo suffer'd for your love, 
Which, like your votary, to win, 
I have not spar'd my tatter'd skin ; 
And, for those meritorious lashes. 
To claim your favour and good graces. ' 

Quoth she, * I do remember once 
I freed you from the' inchanted sconce. 
And that you promis'd, for that iavour, 
To bind your back to the' good beliaviour, 
And for my sake and service, vow'd 
To lay upon't a heavy load. 
And what 'twould bear to' a scruple prove 
As other knights do oft nuike love ; 
Which whether you have done or no 
Concerns yourself, not me, to know ; 



CANTO I. IIUDIBRAS. 253 

But if you have, I shall confess 
Y' are honester than I could guess,' 

Quoth he, ' If you suspect my troth, 
I cannot prove it but by oath ; 
And if you make a question on't, 
I'll pawn my soul that I have don't : 
And he that makes his soul his surety, 
I think, does give the best security. ' 

Quoth she, ' Some say the soul's secure 
Against distress and forfeiture ; 
Is free from action, and exempt 
From execution and contempt ; 
And to be summon'd to appear 
In the' other world's illegal here, 
And therefore few make any account 
Int' what incumbrances they ruu't : 
For most men carry things so even 
Between this world, and hell, and heaven, 
Without the least offence to either, 
They freely deal in all together ; 
And equally abhor to quit 
This world for both, or both for it ; 
And when they pawn and damn their souls, 
They are but prisoners on paroles. ' 

* For that, ' quoth he, ' 'tis rational, 
They may be accountable in all : 
For when there is that intercourse 
Between divine and human pow'rs, 
That all that we determine here 
Commands obedience every where ; 
When penalties may be commuted 
For fines, or ears, and executed, 
It follows nothing binds so fast 
As souls in pawn and mortgage past • 



254 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

For oatlis arc tlio' only tests and seals 
Of right and wrong, and true and false ; 
And there's no other way to try 
The doubts of law and justice by.' 

Quoth she, ' What is it you Avould swear ? — 
There's no believing till I hear : 
For till they're understood, all tales 
(Like nonsense) are not true nor false. ' 

Quoth he, ' When I resolv'd to' obey 
"What you commanded t'other day, 
And to perform my exercise, 
(As schools are wont) for your fair eyes, 
To avoid all scruples in the case, 
I went to do't upon the place : 
But as the castle is inchanted 
By Sidrophel the witch, and haunted 
With evil spirits, as you know, 
Who took my S(|uire and me for two ; 
Before I'd hardly time to lay 
My wca]ions by, and disarray, 
I lieard a formidable noise. 
Loud as the Stentro]ihonic voice, 
That roar'd far oft", " Dispatch, and strip, 
I'm ready with the' infernal whip. 
That shall divest thy ribs of skin, 
To expiate thy lingering sin ; 
Thou 'ast broke perfidiously thy oath, 
And not perform'd thy plighted troth, 
But spar'd thy renegade back, 
Where thou 'adst so great a prize at stake, 
Which now the Fates have order'd me, 
For penance and revenge, to flea. 
Unless though presently make haste ; 
Time is, time was : " and there it coast. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 255 

"With which, though startled, I confess, 
Yet the' horror of the thing was less 
Than t'other dismal apprehension 
Of interruption or prevention ; 
And therefore snatching up the rod, 
I laid upon my back a load, 
Resolv'd to spare no flesh and blood. 
To make my word and honour good ; 
Till tir'd, and taking truce at length, 
For new recruits of breath and strength, 
I felt the blows still plied as fast, 
As if they 'ad been by lovers plac'd, 
In raptures of Platonic lashing, 
And chaste contemplative bardashing ; 
When facing hastily about, 
To stand upon my guard and scout, 
I found the' infernal cunning-man, 
And the' under-witch, his Caliban, 
With scourges (like tlie Furies) arm'd. 
That on my outward quarters storm 'd. 
In haste I snatch'd my weapon up, 
And gave their hellish rage a stop ; 
Call'd thrice upon your name, and fell 
Courageously on Sidrophel, 
Who now, transform 'd himself to a bear, 
Began to roar aloud and tear ; 
When I as furiously press'd on, 
My weapon down his throat to run. 
Laid hold on him, but he broke loose, 
And turn'd himself into a goose, 
Div'd under water, in a pond. 
To hide himself from being found. 
In vain I sought him ; but as soon 
As I perceiv'd him tied and gone 



256 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

Prepar'd, with equal haste and rage. 

His under-sorcerer to engage ; 

But bravely scorning to defile 

My sword with feeble blood, and vile, 

I judg'd it better from a qnick- 

Set hedge to cut a knotted stick, 

With which I furiously laid on, 

Till in a harsh and doleful tone 

It roar'd, " hold, for pity, Sir ; 

I am too great a sufferer, 

Abus'd, as you have been, by' a witch, 

But conjur'd into a worse caprich, 

"Who sends me out on many a jaunt. 

Old houses in the night to haunt, 

For opportunities to' improve 

Designs of thievery or love ; 

With drugs convey'd in drink or meat, 

All feats of witches' counterfeit, 

Kill pigs and geese with powder'd glass. 

And make it for iuchantment pass ; 

With cow-itch meazlo like a leper. 

And choke with fumes of Guinea-pepper ; 

Make lechers, and their punks, with dewtry,* 

Commit fantastical advowtry ; 

Bewitch hermetic-men to run 

Stark staring mad with manicon ; ^ 

Believe mechanic virtuosi 

Can raise 'em mountains in Potosi ; 



(1) Dewtry or Datura, is a plant wliich grows in the East 
Indies, whose flower and seed have a peculiar intoxicating 
quality. 

(2) Manicon is said to be a species of nightshade, whicli 
produces mania. 



CANTO I. HUPIBRAS. 257 

And, sillier than the antic fools, 

Take treasure for a heap of coals ; 3 

Seek out for plants with signatures, 

To quack off universal cures ; 

"With figures ground on panes of glass, 

Make people on their heads to pass ; i 

And mighty heaps of coin increase, ^ 

Reflected from a single piece ; 

To draw in fools, whose natural itches 

Incline perpetually to witches, 

And keep me in continual fears, 

And danger of my neck and ears ; 

When less delinquents have been scourg'd, 

And hemp on wooden anvils forg'd, 

Which others for cravats have worn 

About their necks, and took a turn. " 

' I pitied the sad punishment 
The wretched caititt' underwent. 
And held m}^ drubbing of his bones 
Too great an honour for poltroons ; 
For knights are bound to feel no blows 
From paltry and uneqiial foes. 
Who, when they slash, and '"ut to pieces, 
Do all with civillest addresses : 
Their horses never give a blow, 
But when they make a leg and bow. 
I therefore spar'd his flesh, and prest him 
About the witch with many a quest'on. 

* Quoth he, " For many years he drove 
A kind of broking-trade in love, 

(3) A supposed sneer at Martin Ffiibisher and others, who 
in the time of Queen Elizabeth went on an expedition to 
Cathaia, and brought home ore whicli they took for gold, 
but which proved little better than ooals. 
k2 



258 HUDIBRAS. PA 

Employ'd in all tlie' intrigues, and trust, 

Of feeble speculative lust ; 

Procurer to the' extravagancy 

And crazy ribaldry of fancy, 

By those the devil had forsook. 

As things below him, to provoke ; 

But b'ing a virtuoso, able 

To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, 

He held his talent most adroit. 

For any mystical exploit, 

As others of his tribe had done. 

And rais'd their prices three to one ; 

For one predicting pimp has th' odds 

Of chaldrons of plain downright bawds. 

But as an elf (the devil's valet) 

Is not so slight a thing to get. 

For those that do his business best, 

In hell are us'd the ruggodest, 

Before so meriting a person 

Could get a grant, but in reversion, 

He serv'd two 'prenticeships, and longer, 

I' th' mystery of a lady-monger. 

For (as some write) a witch's ghost, 

As soon as from the body loost, 

Becomes a y)uisne imp itself. 

And is another's witch's elf ; 

He, after searching far and near. 

At length found one in Lancashire, 

With Avhom he bargain'd beforehand. 

And, after hanging, entertain'd : 

Since which he 'as play'd a thousand feats, 

And practis'd all mechanic cheats ; 

Transform'd himself to the' ugly shapes 

Of wolves, and bears, baboons, and apes. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 259 

Which he has varied more than witches, 

Or Pharaoh's wizards, could their switches ; 

And all with whom he 'as had to do, 

Turn'd to as monstrous figures too ; 

Witness myself, whom he 'as abus'd, 

And to this beastly shape reduc'd. 

By feeding me on beans and pease 

He crams in nasty crevices, 

And turns to comfits by his arts, 

To make me relish for deserts, 

And one by one, with shame and fear, 

Lick up the candied provender. 

Beside " — ' But as h' Avas running on, 

To tell what other feats he 'ad done, 

The Lady stopt his full career, 

And told him noAv 'twas time to hear. 

' If half those things,' said she, ' be tnie ; ' — ■ 

* They're all, ' quoth he, ' I swear by you ! ' 

' Why then,' said she, ' that Sidrophel 

Has damn'd himself to the' pit of hell ; 

Who, mounted on a broom, the nag 

And hackney of a Lapland hag. 

In quest of you came hither post. 

Within an hour, I'm sure, at most, 

WTio told me all you swear and say, 

Quite contrary another way ; 

Vow'd that you came to him, to know 

If you should carry me or no. 

And would have hir'd him and his imps, 

To be your match-makers and pimps, 

To' engage the devil on your side, 

And steal, like Proserpine, your bride ; 

But he disdaining to embrace 

So filthy a design ajid base. 



1:00 nuDiBiiAS. ta: 

You fell to vapouring and liufRng, 

And drew upon him like a ruffian ; 

Surpris'd him meanly, unprepar'd, 

Before he 'ad time to mount his guard, 

And left him dead upon the ground, 

With many a bruise and desperate wound ; 

Swore you had brolce and robb'd his house, 

And stole his talisnumic* louse, 

And all his new-found old inventions, 

"With Hat felonious intentions, 

"Wliich he could bring out where ho had, 

And what he bought them for, and paid : 

His flea, his morpion, and punaise. 

He 'ad gotten for his i)roper case, 

And all in perfect minutes made, 

1 >y the' ablest artist of the trade ; 

AVhich (he could prove it) since ho lost, 

He has been eaten up almost. 

And altogether might amount 

To many hundreds on account ; 

For which he 'ad got sufficient warrant 

To seize the malefactors errant, 

Without capacity of bail, 

But of a cart's or horse's tail ; 

And did not doubt to bring the wretches 

To serve for pendulums to watches, 

Which, modern virtuosi say, 

Incline to hanging every way. 



(4) In order to free any place from vcrmiu or other 
noxious animal, the figure of the animal was made of a 
consecrated metal, in a planetary hour, and this was called 
the Tali.sman. The joke here is, that Sidrophel had made a 
talismanic louse to preserve himself from that vermin. 



CANTO I. HUDIBKAS. 261 

Beside, lie swore, and swore 'twas true, 

That ere he went in quest of you. 

He set a figure to discover 

If you were lied to Rye or Dover ; 

And found it clear that, to betray 

Yourselves and me, you Hcd this way ; 

And that he was upon pursuit, 

To take you somewhere hercahout. 

Ho vow'd he had intelligence 

Of all that pass'd before and since, 

And found that, ere you came to him, 

Y' had been engaging life and linil) 

About a case of tender conscience. 

Where both abounded in your own sense ; 

Till Kali)ho, by his liglit and grace, 

Hiid clear 'd all scrui>les in the case. 

And prov'd that you might swear and own 

Whatever's by the wicked done ; 

For which, most basely to requite 

The service of his gifts and light, _ 

You strove to' oblige him, by main force, 

To scourge his ribs instead of yours, 

]?ut that he stood ujion his guard. 

And all your vaj)Ouring outdar'd ; 

For which, between you both, the feat 

Has never been perform'd as yet. ' 

While thus the Lady talk'd, the Knight 
Tum'd the' outside of his eyes to white ; 
(As men of inward light are wont 
To turn their optics in u])on't) 
He wonder'd how she came to know 
What he had done, and meant to do ; 
Held up his affidavit-hand, 
As if he 'ad been to be airaign'd ; 



262 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

Cast tow'rd the door a ghastly look, 
In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke : 

* Madam, if but one word be true 
Of all the wizard has told you, 
Or but one single circumstance 
In all the' apocryphal romance, 
May dreadful earthquakes swallow down 
This vessel, that is all your own ; 
Or may the heavens fall, and cover 
These relics of your constant lover. ' 

' You have provided well, ' quoth she, 

* I thank you, for yourself and me ; 
And shown your Presbyterian wits 
Jump punctual with the Jesuits ; 

A most compendious way, and civil, 

At once to cheat the world, the devil, 

And heaven and hell, yourselves, and those 

On whom you vainly think to' impose.' 

' Why then, ' quoth he, ' may hell surprise ! * — 

* That trick, ' said she, ' will not pass twice : 
I've learn 'd how far I'm to believe 

Your pinning oaths ui:)on your sleeve ; 

But there's a better way of clearing 

What you would prove, than downright swearing ; 

For, if you have perform 'd the feat, 

The blows are visible as yet. 

Enough to serve for satisfaction 

Of nicest scruples in the action ; 

And if you can produce those knobs, 

Although they're but the witch's drubs, 

I'll pass them all upon account. 

As if your natural self had don't ; 

Provided that they pass the' opinion 

Of able juries of old women, 



CANTO I. HUDIBLAS. 263 

Who, us'd to judge all matter of facts 
For bellies, may do so for backs. ' 

' Madam,' quotli he, ' your love's a million, 
To do is less than to be willing, 
As I am, were it in my power. 
To' obey what you command, and more ; 
But for performing what you bid, 
I thank you' as much as if I did. 
You know I ought to have a care, 
To keep my wounds from taking air ; 
For wounds in those that are all heart, 
Ai'e dangerous in any part. ' 

* I find,' quoth she, ' my goods and chatties 
Are like to prove but mere drawn battles ; 
For still the longer we contend, 
"We are but farther off the end ; 
But granting now we should agree, 
What is it you expect from me ? ' — 
* Your plighted faith, ' quoth he, ' and word 
You past in heaven on record, 
Where all contracts, to have and t' hold, 
Are everlastingly enroll'd ; 
And if 'tis counted treason here 
To raze records, 'tis much more there.' 

Quoth she, ' There are no bargains driv'n, 
Nor marriages clapp'd up, in heav'n, 
And that's the reason, as some guess, 
There is no heav'n in man-iages ; 
Two things that naturally press 
Too narrowly, to be at ease ; 
Their business there is only love. 
Which marriage is not like to' improve ; 
Love, that's too generous to abide 
To be against its nature tied ; 



264 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

For where 'tis of itself inclin'd, 

It breaks loose when it is coiifin'd, 

And like the soul, its harbourer, 

Debarr'd the freedom of the air, 

Disdains against its will to stay, 

But struggles out, and flies away ; 

And therefore never can comply 

To' endure the matrimonial tie, 

That binds the female and the male. 

Where the' one is but the other's bail ; 

Like Roman gaolers, when they slept, 

Chain'd to the prisoners they kept ; 

Of which the true and faithfuU'st lover 

Gives best security to sutler. 

Marriage is but a beast, some say, 

That carries double in foul way ; 

And therefore 'tis not to be' admir'd 

It should so suddenly be tir'd : 

A bargain, at a venture made. 

Between two partners in a trade ; 

(For what's inferr'd by t' have and t' hold, 

But something past away, and sold ?) 

That, as it makes but one of two, 

Ileduces all things else as low ; 

And at the best is but a mart 

Between the one and t' other part. 

That on the marriage-day is paid, 

Or hour of death, the bet is laid ; 

And all the rest of better or worse, 

Both are but losers out of purse : 

For when upon their ungot heirs 

They' entail themselves, and all that's theirs, 

What blinder bargain e'er was driv'n. 

Or wager laid at six and seven ? 



CANTO I. UUDIBRAS. 265 

To pass themselves away, and turn 

Their children's tenants ere they're born ? 

Beg one another idiot 

To guardians ere they are begot ; 

Or ever shall, perhaps, by the' one 

Who's bound to vouch 'em for his own, 

Though got by' implicit generation, 

And general club of all the nation ; 

For which she's fortified no less 

Than all the island, Avith four seas ; 

Exacts the tribute of her dower, 

In ready insolence and power. 

And makes him pass away, to have 

And hold, to her, himself, a slave, 

More wretched than an ancient villain,^ 

Condemn 'd to drudgery and tilling ; 

"While all he does u]ion the by, 

She is not bound to justify. 

Nor at her proper cost and charge 

Maintain the feats he does at large. 

Such hideous sots were those obedient 

Old vassals, to their ladies regent ; 

To give the cheats the eldest hand 

In foul play, by the laws o' th' land. 

For which so many a legal cuckold 

Has been run down in courts, and truckled : 

A law that most unjustly yokes 

All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Nokes, 

Without distinction of degree. 

Condition, age, or quality ; 



(5) Villanage was an ancient tenure, by which the ser- 
vants were obliged to perform the most slavish services for 
their lords. 



266 HUDIBEAS. PART III. 

Admits no power of revocation, 

Nor valuable consideration, 

Nor writ of error, nor reverse 

Of judgment past, for better or worse ; 

Will not allow the privileges 

That beggars challenge under hedges. 

Who, when they're griev'd, can niake dead horses 

Their spiritual judges of divorces. 

While nothing else but rem in re 

Can set the proudest wretches free ; 

A slavery beyond enduring. 

But that 'tis of their own procuring. 

As spiders never seek the fly, 

But leave him, of himself, to' apply ; 

So men are by themselves employ'd, 

To quit the freedom they enjoy'd. 

And run their necks into a noose, 

They'd break 'em after to break loose. 

As some whom death would not depart, 

Have done the feat themselves by art : 

Like Indian widows, gone to bed, 

In flaming curtains, to the dead ; 

And men as often dangled for't. 

And yet will never leave the sport. 

Nor do the ladies want excuse 

For all the stratagems they use. 

To gain the' advantage of the set. 

And lurch the amorous rook and cheat : 

For as the Pythagorean soul 

Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl, 

And has a smack of -every one, 

So love does, and has ever done ; 

And therefore though 'tis ne'er so fond. 

Takes strangely to the vagabond. 



CANTO I. IHJDIBRAS. 267 

'Tis but an agne that's reverst, 
Whose hot fit takes the patient first, 
That after burns with cold as much 
As iron in Greenland does the touch ; 
Melts in the furnace of desire, 
Like glass, that's but the ice of fire ; 
And when his heat of fancy's over, 
Becomes as hard and frail a lover : 
For when he's with love-powder laden, 
And prim'd and cock'd by Miss or Madam, 
The smallest sparkle of an eye 
Gives tire to his artillery ; 
And off the loud oaths go, but, while 
They're in the very act, recoil. — 
Hence 'tis, so few dare take their chance 
Without a sex)arate maintenance ; 
And widows, who have tried one lover, 
Trust none again till they 'ave made over ; 
Or if they do, before they marry. 
The foxes weigh the geese they carry, 
And ere they venture o'er a stream, 
Know how to size themselves and them ; 
Whence wittiest ladies always choose 
To undertake the heaviest goose : 
For now the Avoi-ld is grown so wary, 
That few of either sex dare marry. 
But rather trust, on tick, to' amours, 
The cross and pile for better or worse ; 
A mode that is held honoui'able 
As well as French, and fashionable : 
For when it falls out for the best. 
Where both are incommoded least, 
In soul and body two unite 
To make up one hermaphrodite, 



268 HUDIBRAS. PART 

Still amorous, and fond, and billing, 

Like Philip and Mary on a shilling, 

They 'ave more punctilios and capriches 

Between the petticoat and breeches, 

More petulant extravagancies, 

Than poets make 'em in romances ; 

Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames, 

We hear no more of charms and flames ; 

For then their late attracts decline, 

And turn as eager as prick'd wine, 

And all their catterwauling tricks. 

In earnest to as jealous piques, 

"Which the' Ancients wisely signified 

By the' yellow manteaus of the bride : 

For jealousy is but a kind 

Of clap and crincum of the mind, 

The natural effects of love. 

As other frames and aches prove : 

But all the mischief is, the doubt 

On whose account they first broke out. 

For though Chineses go to bed 

And lie-in, in their ladies' stead. 

And, for the pains they took before, 

Are nurs'd and pamper'd to do more ; 

Our green-men do it worse, when th' hap 

To fall in labour of a clap ; 

Both lay the child to one another, 

But who's the father, who the mother, 

'Tis hard to say in multitudes, 

Or who imported the French goods. 

But health and sickness b'ing all one. 

Which both engag'd before to own. 

And are not with their bodies bound 

To worship, only wlien they're sound, 



CANTO I. HUD I BE AS. 269 

Both give and take their equal shares 

Of all they suffer by false wares ; 

A fate no lover can divert 

With all his caution, wit, and art : 

For 'tis in vaiii to think to guess 

At women by appearances, 

That paint and patch their imperfections 

Of intellectual complexions, 

And daub their tempers o'er with washes 

As artificial as their faces ; 

"Wear under visor-masks their talents, 

And mother-wits, before their gallants ; 

Until they're hamper'd in the noose. 

Too fast to dream of breaking loose ; 

"When all the flaws they strove to hide 

Are made unready with the bride, 

That with her wedding-clothes undresses 

Her complaisance and gentilesses ; 

Tries all her arts to take uj)on her 

The government, from the' easy owner ; 

Until the wretch is glad to wave 

His lawful right, and turu her slave ; 

Find all his having and his holding 

Reduc'd to' eternal noise and scolding ; 

The conjugal petard, that tears 

Down all portcullises of ears. 

And makes the volley of one tongiie 

For all their leathern shields too strong ; 

When only arm'd with noise and nails, 

The female silk-worms ride the males, 

Transform 'em into rams and goats. 

Like Sirens, with their charming notes ; 

Sweet as a screech-owl's serenade. 

Or those enchanting murmurs made 



270 HUDIBRAS. PAE 

By tlie' husband mandrake, and the wife, 
Both buried, like themselves, alive,' 

Quoth he, ' These reasons are but strains 
Of wanton over-heated brains, 
Which railliers. in their wit or drink, 
Do rather wheedle with, than think. 
Man was not man in Paradise, 
Until he was created twice. 
And had his better half, his bride, 
Carv'd from the' original, his side, 
To' amend his natural defects, 
And perfect his recruiting sex ; 
Enlarge his breed, at once and lessen 
The pains and labour of increasing. 
By changing them for other cares, 
As by his dried-up paps appears. 
His body, that stupendous frame. 
Of all the Avorld the anagram, 
Is of two equal parts compact, 
In shape and symmetry exact, 
Of which the left and female side 
Is to the manly right, a bride ; 
Both join'd together with such art, 
That nothing else but death can part. 
Those heav'nly attracts of your's, your eyes, 
And face, that all the world surprise, 
That dazzle all that look upon ye, 
And scorch all other ladies tawny ; 
Those ravishing and charming graces, 
Are all made up of two half faces 
That, in a mathematic line. 
Like those in other heavens, join ; 
Of which, if eitlier grew alone, 
'Twould fright us much to look upon • 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS, 271 

And so would that sweet bud, your lip, 

"Without the other's fellowship. 

Our noblest senses act by pairs, 

Two eyes to see, to hear two ears ; 

The' intelligencers of the mind, 

To wait upon the soul design'd : 

But those that serve the body' alone 

Are single and confin'd to one. 

The world is but two parts, that meet 

And close at the' equinoctial iit ; 

And so are all the works of Nature, 

Stamp'd with her signature on matter ; 

"Which all her creatures, to a leaf. 

Or smallest blade of grass, receive. 

All which sufficiently declare 

How' entirely marriage is her care, 

The only method that she uses 

In all the wonders she Y>roduces ; 

And those that take their rules from her 

Can never be deceiv'd nor err : 

For what secures the civil life. 

But pawns of children, and a wife ! 

That lie, like hostages, at stake, 

To pay for all men undertake ; 

To whom it is as necessary. 

As to be born and breathe, to marry ; 

So universal, all mankind 

In nothing else is of one mind : 

For in what stupid age or nation 

"Was marriage ever out of fashion ? 

Unless among the Amazons, 

Or cloister'd Friars and Vestal nuns. 

Or Stoics, who, to bar the freaks 

And loose excesses of the sex. 



272 HUDIBEAS. PA 

ri'ei)ostcrou.s]y would have all women 
Turn'd up to all the world in common ; 
Tliough men would find such mortal feuds 
In shaving of their public goods, 
'Twould put them to more charge of lives, 
Than they're suj)plied with now by wives ; 
Until they graze, and wear their clothes, 
As beasts do, of their native growths ; 
For simple wearing of their horns 
Will not suffice to serve their turns. 
For what can we pretend to' inherit, 
Unless the marriage-deed will bear it ? 
Could claim no right to lands or rents, 
But for our parents' settlements ; 
Had been l)ut younger sons o' th' earth, 
Debar'd it all, but for our birth. 
What honours, or estates of peers. 
Could be })reserv'd but by their heirs ? 
And what security maintains 
Their right and title, but the banus ? 
What crowns could be hereditary. 
If greatest monarchs did not marry, 
And with their consorts consummate 
Their weightiest interests of state ? 
For all the' amours of princes are 
But guarantees of peace or war. 
Or what but marriage has a charm, 
The rage of empires to disarm ? 
Make bluod and desolation cease. 
And fire and sword unite in peace, 
When all their fierce contests for forage 
Conclude in articles of marriage ? 
Nor does the genial bed provide 
Less for the interests of the bride, 



CANTO I. HUDIBKAS. 273 

AVho else had not the least pretence 
To' as much as due beuevoleuce ; 
Could no more title take upon her 
To virtue, (piality, and honour, 
Thau lailies errant unconfin'd, 
And feme-coverts to ail mankind. 
All women would be of one piece, 
TIk; virtuous matron, and the miss ; 
Tin? nymphs of chaste Diana's train, 
TliL^ same with those in Lewkuer's lane, 
But for the dill'erence marriage makes 
'Twixt \\ives and ladies of the Lakes : 
Besides the joys of place and birth, 
The sex's paradise on earth ; 
A privilege so sacred held, 
That none will to their mothers yield, 
But rather than not go ]>efore, 
Abandon heaven at the door : 
And if the' indulgent law allows 
A greater freedom to the spouse, 
The reason is, because the wife 
Runs greater hazards of her life ; 
Is trusted with the form and matter 
Of all mankind, by careful Nature, 
Where man brings nothing but the stuff 
She frames the wondrous iabiic of ; 
Who therefore, in a strait, may freely 
Demand the clergy of her belly. 
And make it save her the same way 
It seldom misses to betray. 
Unless both parties wisely enter 
Into the Liturgy indenture. 
And though some fits of small contest 
Sometimes fall out among the best, 
s2 



274 HUDIBEAS. PA] 

That is no more than every lover 

Does from his hackney-lady suffer ; 

That makes no breach of faith and love, 

But rather (sometime) serves to' improve : 

For as, in running, every pace 

Is but between two legs a race. 

In which both do their uttermost 

To get before and win the post. 

Yet when they're at their races' ends, 

They're still as kind and constant friends, 

And, to relieve their weariness, 

By turns give one another ease ; 

So all those false alarms of strife 

Between the husband and the wife, 

And little quarrels, often prove 

To be but new recruits of love ; 

"When those who're always kind or coy, 

In time must either tire or cloy. 

Nor are the loudest clamours more 

Tliau as they're relish'd, sweet or sour ; 

Like music, that proves bad or good, 

According as 'tis understood. 

In all amours a lover buins 

"With frowns, as well as smiles, by turns ; 

And hearts have been as oft with sullen 

As charming looks surpris'd and stolen : 

Then why should more bewitching clamour 

Some lovers not as much enamour ? 

For discords make the sweetest airs, 

And curses are a kind of pray'rs ; 

Too slight alloys for all those grand 

Felicities by marriage gain'd : 

For nothing else has pow'r to settle 

The' interests of love perpetual ; 



:AN ro T. HUDIBUAS. 275 

Vn act and deed that makes one heart 

3ecome another's connter-part, 

Vml passes fines on faith and love, 

nruird and register'd above, 

To seal the slippery knots of vows, 

(rVhich nothing else but death can loose. 

\nd what security's too strong 

To guard that gentle heart from wrong, 

rha't to its friend is glad to pass 

[tself away, and all it has ; 

?Vnd, like an anchorite, gives over 

This world, for th' heav'n of a lover ? * 

' I grant,' quoth she, 'there are some few 
Who take that course, and find it true, 
But millions whom the same does sentence 
Vn lieav'n by' another way, — repentance. 
Love's arrows are but shot at rovers, 
rhough all they hit they turn to lovers, 
A.nd all the weighty consequents 
Depend upon more blind events 
Than gamesters, when they play a set 
With greatest cunning at Piquet ; 
Put out with caution, but take in 
They know not what, unsight, unseen. 
For what do lovers, when they're fast 
In one another's arms embrac'd. 
But strive to plunder, and convey 
Each other, like a prize, away ? 
To change the property of selves, 
As sucking children are by elves ? 
And if they use their persons so. 
What will they to their fortunes do ? 
Their fortunes ! the perpetual ainis 
Of all their ecstasies and fiamcs. 



276 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

For when the money's on the book,^ 

And A II my loorldly goods — but spoke ; 

(The formal livery and seisin 

That puts a lover in possession) 

To that alone the bridegroom's wedded, 

The bride a flam that's superseded : 

To that their faith is still made good, 

And all the oaths to us they vow'd ; 

For when we once resign oiir j^ow'rs. 

We 'ave nothing left we can call ours : 

Onr money's now become the Miss 

01' all your lives and services, 

And we, forsaken and postpon'd. 

But ])awds to what before we own'd ; 

Which as it made y' at first gallant us, 

So now hires others to supplant us, 

Until 'tis all turn'd out of doors 

(As we had been) for new amours. 

For what did evei- heiress yet. 

By being born to lordships, get ? 

When, the more lady she's of manors. 

She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 

Pays for their pi-ojects and designs. 

And for her own destruction Hues ; 

And does but tempt them with her riches, 

To use her as the dev'l does witches. 

Who takes it for a special grace 

To be their cully for a space, 

That, when the time's expir'd, the drassels 

For ever may become his vassals : 

So she, bewitch 'd by rooks and spirits. 

Betrays herself, and all she' inherits ; 

C6) The Ministers' and Clerks' fees at wedrlinprs, are 
ordered by the rubric to be laid upon the book with the ring. 



CANTO I. HUDIBP.AS. 277 

Is bought and sold, like stolen goods, 

By pimps, and matchmakers, and bawds ; 

Until the}' force her to convey, 

And steal the thief himself away. 

These are the everlasting fruits 

Of all your ]iassionate love-suits. 

The' effects of all your amorous fancies, 

To portions and inheritances ; 

Your love-sick rapture, for fruition 

Of dowry, jointure, and tuition ; 

To which you make address and courtship, 

And AAath your bodies strive to worship, 

That the' infant's fortunes may partake 

Of love too, for the mother's sake. 

For these you play at purposes, 

And love your loves with A's and B's ; 

For these at Beste and Ombre woo, 

And play for love and money too ; 

Strive who shall be the ablest man 

At right gallanting of a fan ; 

And who the most genteely bred 

At sucking of a vizor-bead ; 

How best to' accost us in all quarters, 

To' our question-and-command new garters ; 

And solidly discourse upon 

All sorts of dresses pro and con : 

For there's no mystery nor trade, 

But in the art of love is made ; 

And when you have more debts to pay 

Thau Michaelmas and Lady-day, 

And no way possible to do't 

But love and oaths, and restless suit. 

To us y' apply, to pay the scores 

Of all your cullied past amours j 



278 nUDIBRAS. PAR' 

Act o'er your flames and darts again, 

And charge us with your woimds and pain ; 

"Which otliers' influences long since 

Have charm'd your noses with, and shins ; 

For which the surgeon is unpaid, 

And like to be, without our aid. 

Lord ! what an amorous thing is Avant ! 

How debts and mortgages inchant ! 

What graces must that lady have, 

Ihat can from executions save ! 

What charms, that can reverse extent, 

And null decree and exigent ! 

What magical attracts, and graces. 

That can redeem from Scire facias ! 

From bonds and statutes can discharge, 

And from contempts of courts enlarge ! 

These are the higliest excellences 

Of all your tnie or false pretences ; 

And )'ou would damn yourselves, and swear 

As much to' an hostess dowager, 

Grown fat and pursy by retail 

Of pots of beer and bottled ale ; 

And find her fitter for your turn. 

For fat is wondrous apt to burn ; 

Who at your flames would soon take fire, 

Relent, and melt to your desire. 

And, like a candle in the socket. 

Dissolve her graces into your pocket. ' 

By this time 'twas grown dark and late, 
When they' heard a knocking at the gate, 
Laid on in haste, with such a power. 
That blows grew louder still and loudei' ; 
Which Hudibras, as if they 'ad been 
Bestow'd as freely on his skin, 



CANTO I. IIUDIBRAS. 279 

Expounding by his imvard light, 

Or rather more })rophetic fright, 

To be the Wizard, come to search, 

And take him napping in the lurch, 

Turn'd pale as ashes, or a clout, 

But why, or wherefore, is a doubt : 

For men will tremble, and turn paler, 

With too much or too little valour. 

His heart laid on, as if it tried 

To force a passage through his side. 

Impatient (as he -vow'd) to wait 'em, 

But in a fury to fly at 'em ; 

And therefore beat, and laid about. 

To find a cranny to creep out. 

But she who saw in what a taking 

The Knight was by his furious quaking, 

Undaunted cried, ' Courage, Sir Knight, 

Know I'm resolv'd to break no rite 

Of hospitality to' a stranger ; 

But, to secure you out of danger, 

Will here myself stand sentinel, 

To guard this pass 'gainst Sidrophel : 

Women, you know, do seldom fail 

To make the stoutest men turn tail, 

And bravely scorn to turn their backs, 

Upon the desp'ratest attacks.' 

At this the Knight grew resolute 

As Ironside, or Hardiknute ; ^ 

His fortitude began to rally, 

And out he cried aloud, to sally ; — 

But she besought him to convey 

His courage rather out o' th' way, 

(7) Two famous and valiant princes of this country ; the 
one a Saxon, the other a Dane. 



280 HUDIDRAS. TART III. 

Ami lodge ill anildish on the floor, 

Or fortilied behind a door ; 

That, if the enemy should enter, 

He might relieve her in the' adventure. 

Meanwhile they knock 'd against the door, 
As fierce as to the gate before ; 
"Which made the renagado Knight 
Kelapse again to' his former fright. 
He thought it desperate to stay 
Till the' enemy had forc'd his way, 
But rather post himself, to servo 
Q'he Lady for a fresh reserve. 
His duty was not to dispute. 
But what she 'ad order'd execute ; 
AVhich he resolv'd in haste to' obey, 
And therefore stoutly inarch 'd away, 
And all he' encounter 'd fell upon, 
Though in the dark, and all alone ; 
Till fear, that braver feats performs 
Than ever courage dar'd in arms, 
Had drawn him up before a pass, 
To stand upon his guard, and face : 
This he courageously invaded, 
And, having enter'd, bairicadoed ; 
Insconc'd himself as formidable 
As couki be underneath a table. 
Where he lay down in ambush close, 
To' expect the' arrival of his foes. 
Few minutes he had lain perdue^ 
To guard his desperate avenue, 
Before he heard a dreadJul shout. 
As loud as putting to the rout ; 
With which impatiently alarm'd. 
He fancy 'd the' enemy had storm'd ; 



CANTO I. IIUDIBRAS. 281 

And, after entering, Sidrophcl 

Was fall'n npon the guards pell mell : 

He therefore sent out all his senses 

To bring him in intelligences, 

"Which vulgars, out of ignorance, 

Mistake for falling in a trance ; 

But those that trade in geomancy, 

Affirm to be the strength of fancy ; 

In which the Lapland Magi deal, 

And things incredible reveal. 

Meanwhile the foe beat up his quarters, 

And storm 'd the outworks of his fortress ; 

And as another of the same 

Degree and party, in arms and fame, 

That in the same cause had engag'd, 

And war with eqiial conduct wag'd. 

By venturing only but to thrust 

His head a span beyond his post, 

By' a general of the Cavaliers 

Was dragg'd through a window by the' ears,^ 

So he was serv'd in his redoubt, 

And by the other end pull'd out. 

Soon as they had him at their mercy, 
They put him to the cudgel fiercely, 
As if they 'ad scorn 'd to trade or barter, 
By giving or by taking quarter : 
They stoutly on his quarters laid, 
Until his scouts came in to' his aid : 
For when a man is past his sense. 
There's no way to reduce him thence. 
Bat twinging him by the' ears or nose, 
Or laying on of heavy blows ; 

(SI Sir Erasmus P. was the person so served bj' Colonel 
Egerton. 



282 iniDlERAR. PART III. 

And if that will not do the deed, 
To burning with hot irons proceed. 
No sooner was he come to' himself, 
But on his neck a sturdy elf 
Clapp'd, in a trice, his cloven hoof, 
And thus attack'd him with reproof: 

' Mortal, thou art betray'd to us 
By' our friend, thy evil genius. 
Who for thy hoirid perjuries, 
Thy breach of faith, and turning lies, 
The Brethren's privilege (against 
The wicked) on themselves, the Saints ; 
Has here thy wretched carcass sent, 
For just revenge and jmnishment. 
Which thou hast now no way to lessen, 
But by an open, free confession ; 
For if we catch thee failing once, 
'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones. 

' What made thee venture to betray, 
And filch the Lady's heart away ? 
To spirit her to matrimony ? ' — 
' That which contracts all matches, money. 
It was the enchantment of her riches, 
That made me' apply t' your crony witches ; 
That in return Avould pay the' expense. 
The wear and tear of conscience, 
Which I could have patch'd up, and turn'd, 
For the' hundredth part of what I earn'd.' 

' Didst thou not love her then ? speak true.' 
* No more, ' quoth he, ' than I love you. ' 

' How wouldst thou'ave us'd her and her money?' 

' First turn'd her up to alimony, 
And kill her dowry out in law, 
To null her jointure with a flaw. 



CANTO I. HUD I BRAS. 283 

"Which I beforehand had agreed 
To' have put, on purpose, in the deed, 
And bar her widow's making over 
To' a friend in trust, or private lover. ' 

' What made thee pick and choose her out 
To' employ their sorceries about ? ' — 

' That which makes gamesters play witii those 
Who have least wit, and most to lose. ' 

* But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, 
As thou hast damn'd thyself to us ? ' 

* I see you take me for an ass : — 

'Tis true, I thought the trick would pass, 
Upon a woman, well enough, 
As 't has been often found by proof, 
Whose humours are not to be won 
But when they are impos'tl upon ; 
For Love approves of all they do 
That stand for candidates, and woo. ' 

' Why didst thou forge those shameful lies 
Of bears and witches in disguise ? ' 

' That is no more than authors give 
The rabble credit to believe ; 
A trick of following their leaders, 
To entertain their gentle readers : 
And we have now no other way 
Of passing all we do or say ; 
Which, when 'tis natural aud true. 
Will be belie v'd b' a very few ; 
Beside the danger of offence, 
The fatal enemy of sense. ' 

' Why didst thou choose that cursed sin, 
Hypocrisy, to set up in ? ' 

' Because it is the thriving'st calling. 
The only saints'-bell that rings all in ; 



284 HUBIBRAS. PART III. 

In which all Chui-ches are concern 'd, 
And is the easiest to be learn'd : 
For no degrees, unless th' eniploy't, 
Can ever gain much, or enjoy 't : 
A gift that is not only able 
To iloniineer among the rabble, 
But by the laws enipower'd to rout, 
And awe the greatest tliat stand out ; 
Which lew hold forth, against, for fear 
Their hands should slip, and come too near ; 
For no sin else, among the Saints, 
Is taught so tenderly against.' 

* What made thee break thy plighted vows ?' — 
* That which makes others break a house, 

And hang, and scorn ye all, before 
Endure the plague of being poor.' 

Quoth he, ' I see you have more tricks 
Than all our doting politics, 
That are grown old, and out of fashion, 
Conipar'd with j'^our new Ueformation ; 
That we must come to school to you. 
To learn your more refin'd and new.' 

Quoth he, ' If you will give me leave 
To tell you what 1 now perceive. 
You'll find yourself an arrant chouse. 
If y' were but at a Meeting-house.' 

* 'Tis true,' quoth he, ' we ne'er come there. 
Because w' have let 'em out by th' year.' 

'Truly,' quoth he, 'you can't imagine 
What wondrous things they will engage in ; 
That as your fellow-fiends in hell 
Were angels all before ihey fell, 
So are you like to be again 
Compar'd with the' angels of us men.' 



CANTO 1. UUDIBRAS. 285 

Quoth he, ' I am resolv'd to be 
Thy scholar in this mystery ; 
And therefore first desire to know 
Some principles on wliich you go. — 
What makes a knave a child of God, 
And one of us ? ' — ' A livelihood.' 

' Wiiat renders heating out of brains, 
And murder, godliness ? " — ' Great gains.' 

' What's tender conscience ? ' — • 'Tis a botch 
That will not bear the gentlest touch ; 
But, breaking out, dis])atches more 
Than the' epideniical'st plague-sore.' 

' What makes y' incroach upon our trade, 
And damn all others ? ' — ' To be paid.' 

' What's orthodox and true believing 
Atjiiinst a conscience ? ' — ' A good living.' 

' What makes rebelling against kings 
A good old Cause ? ' — ' Administrings.' 

* What nuikes all doctrines ])lain and clear?* — 

* About two hundred pounds a-year. ' 

' And that which was prov'il true before, 
Prove false again ? ' — ' Two hundred more. ' 

* What makes the breaking of all oaths 
A holy duty ? ' — ' Food and clothes.' 

' What laws and freedom, persecution ? ' — 

* B'ing out of power, and contribution. ' 

' What makes a church a den of thieves ? '— 

* A Dean and Chapter, and white sleeves.' 

' And what would serve, if those were gone, 
To make it orthodox ? ' — * Our own.' 

* What makes morality a crime, 
The most notorious of the time ; 
Morality, which both the Saints 
And wicked, too, cry out against ? ' — 



286 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

* 'Cause grace and virtue are within 

Prohibited degrees of kin ; 

-And therefore no true Saint allows 

They shall be suffer'd to espouse : 

For Saints can need no conscience, 

That with morality dispense ; 

As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted 

In nature only, and not imputed : 

But why the wicked shouhl do so, 

We neither know, nor care to do.' 

'What's liberty of conscionce, 
r th' natural and genuine sense ? ' — 
' 'Tis to restore, with mon* security, 
Rebellion to its ancient ]iui-ity ; 
And Christian liberty reduce 
To the' elder practice of the Jews ; 
For a larire conscience is all one. 
And signifies the same with none.' 

' It is enough,' quoth he, * for once, 
And has r<'piiev'd thy forfeit bones : 
Nic JMachiavel had ne'er a trick, 
(Though he gave his name to our Old Nick) 
But was bolow the least of these. 
That pass i' th' world for holiness.' — ■ 
This said, the Furies and the light, 
In the' instant vauish'd out of sight, 
And left him in the dark alone, 
With stinks of brimstone and his own. 

The queen of Night, whose large command 
Rules all the sea, and half the land, 
And over moist and crazy brains. 
In high spring-tides, at midnight "eigns, 
AVas now declining to the west, 
To go to bed and take her rest ; 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 287 

When Hudibnis, whose stublDorn blows 
[Denied his bones that soft repose, 
Lay still, expecting worse and more, 
Stretch 'd out at length upon the floor ; 
And though he shut his eyes as fast 
As if he 'ad been to sleep his last, 
iSaw all the shapes that fear or wizards, 
Do make the devil wear for vizards, 
A.nd pricking up his ears, to hark 
[f he could hear, too, in the dark, 
Was first invaded with a groan, 
4.nd after, in a feeble tone, 
These trembling words : ' Unhappy wretch, 
kVhat hast thou gotten by this fetch, 
)r all thy tricks, in this new trade, ' 
Thy holy Brotherhood o' th' blade ? 
5y sauntering still on some adventure, 
lud growing to thy horse a Centaur ? 
^o stufl' thy skin with swelling knobs 
)f cruel and hard-wooded drubs ? 
'or still thou 'ast had the worst on't yet, 
-s well in conquest as defeat : 
Jight is the sabbath of mankind, 
'o rest the body and the mind, 
Vhich now thou art denied to keep, 
Lud cure thy labour'd corps with sleep. ' 
The Knight, who heard the words, explaiii'd 
lS meant to him this reprimand, 
lecause the character did hit 
'oint-blank upon his case so fit ; 
'eliev'd it was some drolling spright 
hat staid upon the guard tliat night, 
nd one of those he 'ad seen and felt 
he drubs he had so freely dealt ; 



288 ITITDILRAS. TAl 

When, after a short pause and groan, 
The doleful Spirit thus went on ; 

' This 'tis to' engage with Dogs and Bears 
Pell-mell together by the ears, 
And, after jvainful hangs and knocks, 
To lie'in limbo in the stocks, 
And from the pinnacle of glory 
Fall headlong into Purgatory : ' — 

(Thought he, 'this devil's full of malice, 
That on my late disasters rallies ') 

* Condemned to whipping, but declin'd it, 
]iy being more heroic-minded ; 

And at a riding handled worse, 

With treats more slovenly and coarse ; 

Engag'd with fiends in stubborn wars, 

And iiot disputes with conjurers ; 

An<l, Avhen thou 'adst bravely won the day. 

Wast fain to steal thyself away :' — 

(' I see, thought lie, tliis shameless elf 
Would fain steal nu', too, from myself. 
That impudently dares to own 
AVhat I have sullVr'd for and done') 

* And now, but venturing to betray. 
Hast met with vengeance the same way.' 

Thought he, 'how does the devil know 
What 'twas that I dcsign'd to do ? 
His office of intelligence. 
His oracles, arc ceas'd long since ; 
And he knows nothing of the Saints, 
]5ut what some treaclKsrous spy ac(|uaints. 
Tills is some pettifogging fiend, 
Some under door-kec]ier's friend's iiioud, 
1'hat undertakes to understand, 



CANTO I. TlUDir.KAS. 289 

And now would pass for Sjtint ro,^ 
Ami till men's dark concerns foreknow. 
I think I need not fear him for't ; 
These rallying devils do no hurt.' 
With that he rous'd his drooping heart, 
And hastily cry'd out, ' What art ? ' — 
'A wretch,' quoth he, ' whom want of graco 
Has brought to this unhappy place. ' 

' I do believe thee,' quoth the Knight, 
* Thus far I'm sure thou 'rt in the right : 
And know what 'tis that troubles thee, 
Better than thou hast guess'd of me. 
Thou art some paltry, black-guard spright, 
Condemn'd to drudgery in the night ; 
Thou hast no work to do in the' house, 
Nor halfpenny to dro]) in shoes ; 
Without the raising of which sum 
You dare not be so troublesome 
To pinch the slatterns black and blue, 
For leaving you tlieir work to do. 
This is your business, good Pug-Ilobin,^^ 
And your diversion dull dry bolDbing, 
To' entice fanatics in the dirt. 
And wash 'em clean in ditches for't ; 
Of which conceit 3'ou are so proud, 
At every jest you laugh aloud, 
As now you wouhl have done by me, 
But that I barr'd your raillery.' 

' Sir,' (poth the voice, 'ye 're no such sophi 
As you would have the world judge of ye. 



(0) Tom Po is said to have been an expression commonly 
used lor a ghost. 
(10) Robin Goodfellow was a notorious spirit. 
T 2 



290 HUD1B.RAS. FART III. 

If vou (iesigu to weigh our talents 

r the' standard of your own false balance, 

Or think it possible to know 

Vi? ghosts, as well as we do you ; 

We who have been the everlasting 

Companions of your di'ubs and basting, 

And never left you in contest, 

With male or female, man or beast, 

But prov'd us true t' ye, and entire, 

In all adventures, as your Squire.' 

Quoth he, ' That may bo said as true 
By the' idlest pug of all you crew : 
For none could have betray'd us worse 
Than those allies of ours and yours. 
But I have sent him for a token 
To your low-country Hogen-Mogcn, 
To whose infernal shores I ho[»e 
He'll swing like skij)])ers" in a rope : 
And if ye 'ave been more just to me 
(As I am apt to think) than he, 
1 am afraid it is as true 
What the' ill-atiected say of you ; 
Ye 'ave spous'd the Covenant and Cause, 
By holding up your cloven paws.' 

' Sir,' quoth the Voice, ' 'tis true, I grant, 
We made, and took the Covenant ; 
But that no more concerns the Cause, 
Tlian other perjuries do the laws. 
Which when they're prov'd in open court, 
W(^ar wooden peccadillo's for't : 
And that's the reason Cov'nanters 
Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars.' 

(11) In Holland a master of a ship is called a Skif per. 



CANTO I. IIUDIBRAS. . 291 

* I see,' quoth Hudibras, ' from whence 
These scandals of the Saints commence, 
That are hut natural effects 

Of Satan's malice, and his sects, 

Those spider-saints, that hang Ijy threads 

Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads.' 

* Sir, ' quoth the Voice, ' that may as true 
And properly be said of you. 

Whose talents may compare with either. 

Or both the other put together : 

For all the Independents do, 

Is only wliat you forc'd 'em to ; 

You who are not content alone 

With tricks to put the devil down, 

But must have armies rais'd to back 

The Gospel-work you undertake ; 

As if artillery and edge-tools 

Were the' only engines to save souls : 

While he, poor devil, has no pow'r 

By force to run down and devour ; 

Has ne'er a Classis, cannot sentence 

To stools, or poundage of repentance ; 

Is tied up only to design. 

To' entice, and tempt, and undermine : 

In which you all his arts outdo, 

And prove yourselves his betters too. 

Hence 'tis possessions do less evil 

Than mere temptations of the devil, 

Which all the horrid 'st actions done 

Are charg'd in courts of law upon ; 

Because, unless they help the elf. 

He can do little of himself ; 

And therefore where he's best possest 

Acts most against his interest ; 



292 HUDIBRAS. TAUT fll» 

Suritrises none bnt those who 'arc priests 
To turn him out, and exorcists, 
Supplied with spiritual provision, 
And magazines of ammunition ; 
With crosses, relics, crucifixes, 
Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes ; 
The tools of working our salvation 
By mere mechanic operation : 
With holy water, like a sluice, 
To overflow all avenues : 
r>ut those who're utterly unarm VI, 
To' oppose his entrance if he storni'd, 
lie never offers to surprise, 
Although his fiilsest enemies ; 
But is content to be their drudge, 
And on their errands glad to trudge : 
For where are all your forfeitures 
Intrusted in safe hands, but ours ? 
Who are but gaolers of the holes 
And dungeons were you clap up souls ; 
Like under-keepers, turn the keys, 
To' your mittitmis anathemas. 
And never boggle to restore 
The members you deliver o'er 
Upon demand, with fairer justice, 
Than all your covenanting Trustees ; 
Unless, to punish them tlie wo)-se. 
You put them in the secular powers. 
And puss their souls, as some demise 
The same estate, in mortgage twice : 
When to a legal utlegation 
You turn your excommunication. 
And, for a groat unpaid that's due, 
Distrain ou so ill and body too. ' 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 293 

Thought he, ' 'tis no mean part of civil 
State-prudence to cajole the devil, 
And not to handle him too rough, 
"When he' has us in his cloven hoof.' 

' 'Tis true,' quoth he, ' that intercourse 
Has pass'd between your friends and ours ; 
That, as you trust us, in our way, 
To raise your members, and to lay, 
We send you others of your own, 
Denounc'd to hang themselves, or drown, 
Or, frighted with our oratory, 
To leap down headlong many a story ; 
Have us'd all means to pro]iagate 
Your mighty interests of state. 
Laid out our sp'ritual gifts to further 
Your great designs of rage and murder : 
For if the Saints are nam'd from blood, 
"We only 'ave made that title good ; 
And, if it were but in our power, 
"We should not scruple to do more, 
And not be half a soul behind 
Of all Dissenters of mankind.' 

' Right, ' quoth the Voice, ' and, as I scorn 
To be ungrateful, in return 
Of all those kind good offices, 
I'll free you out of this distress. 
And set you down in safety, where 
It is no time to tell you here. 
The cock crows, and the morn draws on, 
When 'tis decreed I must be gone •. 
And if I leave you here till day, 
You'll find it liard to get away.' 
With that the Spiiit grop'd about 
To find the' incliauted hero out. 



294 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

And tried Anth haste to lift him up, 

But found his forlorn hope, his crap 

Unserviceable with kicks and blows, 

Receiv'd from harden'd-hearted foes. 

He thought to drag him by the heels. 

Like Gresham-carts, with legs for wherls ; '" 

But fear, that soonest cures those sores 

In danger of relapse to worse, 

Came in to' assist him with its aid, 

And up his sinking vessel weio-h'd. 

No sooner was he fit to trudge'. 

But both made ready to dislodge ; 

The Spirit hors'd him, like a sack, 

Upon the vehicle, his back, 

And bore him headlong into the' hall. 

With some few rubs against the wall ; 

Where finding out the postern lock'd,' 

And the' avenues as strongly block'd. 

He attack'd the window, storm 'd the glass 

And in a moment gain'd the pass ; 

Through which he dragg'd the worsted soldier's 

lore-quarters out by the' head and shoulders. 

Ana cautiously began to scout 

To find their fellow-cattle out ; 

Nor was it half a minute's quest. 

Ere he retriev'd the champion's beast, 

1 led to a pale, instead of rack. 

But ne'er a saddle on his back' 

Nor pistols at the saddle bow, ' 

C.mvey'd away, the Lord knows how. 



CANTO I. HUDIBRAS. 295 

He thought it was no time to stay, 
And let the night, too, steal away ; 
But, in a trice, ad vane 'd the Knight 
Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright ; 
And, groping out for Ealpho's jade, 
He found the saddle, too, was stray'd, 
And in the place a lump of soap. 
On which he speedily leap'd up ; 
And, turning to the gate the rein, 
He kick'd and cudgell'd on amain ; 
While Hudibras, with equal haste, 
On both sides laid about as fast, 
And spurr'd, as joekies use, to break, 
Or padders to secure, a neck : 
Where let us leave 'em for a time. 
And to their Churches turn our rhyme ; 
To hold forth their declining state, 
Which now come near an even rate. 



HUDIBKAS. 



PART III. CANTO II. 




THE ARGUMENT. 

The Saints engage in fierce contests 
About their carnal interests, 
To share their sacrilegious preys 
According to their rates of Grace : 
Their various frenzies to reform, 
When Cromwell left them in a storm ; 
Till, in th' effige of Rumps, the rabble 
Burn all their Grandees of the Cabal. 



HUDIBRAS. 



PART III. CANTO I I.l 

The learned write, an insect breeze^ 
Is but a mongrel prince of bees, 
That falls before a storm on cows, 
And stings the founders of his house. 
From whose corrupted flesh that breed 
Of vermin did at first proceed : 
So, ere the storm of war broke out, 
Eeligion spawn 'd a various rout 
Of petulant capricious sects, 
Tlie maggots of corrupted texts, 
That first run all religion down, 
And after every swarm its own. 
For as the Persian INfagi once 
Upon their mothers got tli<nr sons, 
That were incapable to' enjoy- 
That empire any other way ; 

(1^ This Canto is entirelj' independent of the adventnres 
of Hudiliras and Ralpho : neither of our heroes make tlieir 
ai>pearance : other characters are introduced, and a new 
vein of satire is exhiliited. The Poet steps out of his road, 
and skips from the time wherein these advmitures liappened 
to Cromwell's death, and from thence to tlie dissolution of 
the Rnmp Parliament. 

(2) Bree es often bring along with them great quantities 
of insects, which some opine are generated from viscous 
exhaUitions in the air, but Butler raises them from the cow. 



300 nuDiBiiAS. PART iir. 

So Presbyter begot the other 

Upon the Good Old Cause, his mother, 

Then bore them like the devil's dam, 

"Whose son and husband are the same ; 

And yet no natural tie of blood, 

Nor interest for the common good, 

Could, when their profits interfer'd, 

Get quarter for each other's beard : 

For when they thriv'd they never fadg'd, 

But only by the ears engag'd ; 

Like dogs that snarl about a bone. 

And play together when they 'ave none ; 

As by their truest characters. 

Their constant actions, plainly' appears. 

Eebellion now began, for lack 

Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack ; 

The Cause and Covenant to lessen, 

And Providence to be out of season ; 

For now there was no more to purchase 

O' th' King's revenue, and the Churches, 

But all divided, shar'd, and gone, 

That us'd to urge the Brethren on ; 

Which forc'd the stubborn'st for the Cause, 

To cross the cudgels to the laws. 

That what by breaking them they 'ad gaiu'd, 

By their support might be maintain'd ; 

Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie, 

Secur'd against the Hue-and-cry ; 

For Presbyter and I ndependent 

Were now turn'd Plaintiff and Defendant ; 

Laid out their apostolic functions 

On carnal Orders and Injunctions ; 

And all their precious Gifts and Graces 

On Outlawries and Scire facias : 



CANTO 11. HUDIBRAS. 301 

At Micliael's term had many trial, 
Worse than the Di-af^on ant! St. Alichacl, 
Where thousands fell, in shape of fees, 
Into the bottomless abyss. 
For when, like brethren, and like friends, 
They came to share their dividends, 
And every partner to possess 
His church and state joint-purchases. 
In which the ablest Saint, and best, 
Was nam'd in trust by all tlie rest 
To pay their monej'-, and, instead 
Of every Brother, pass the deed, 
He straight converted all his gifts 
To pious frauds and holy shifts, 
And settled all the other shares 
Upon his outward man and's heirs ; 
Held all they claim'd as forfeit lands 
Deliver'd up into his hands, 
And passed upon his conscience 
By pre-entail of Providence ; 
Impeach'd the rest for Reprobates, 
That had no titles to estates, 
But by their spiritual attaints 
Degraded from the right of Saints. 
This b'ing reveal'd, they now begun 
With law and conscience to fall on, 
And laid about as hot and biain-sick 
As the' Utter-barrister of Swanswick ; 3 
Engag'd with money-bags, as bold 
As men with sandbags "* did of old, 

CS) Prynne was born at Swanswick. and used to style 
himself ijtter-barrister ; wliicli seems to imply a chaunMon 
as well as advocate. Sec Minshcn in ■jjoc. 

(4) A combat in a legal way, by knights and gentle n en, 



302 HUD [BRAS. r. 

Tliat brouglit tlie laAvycrs in more fees 
Than all unsanctilied Trnstees ; 
Till he who had no more to show 
1' th' case, reet-iv'd the overthrow ; 
Or, both sides having had the worst, 
They parted as they met at first. 

Poor Presbyter was now reduc'd, 
Seolnded, and cashier'd and chous'd ! 
Tnrii'd ont, and excommnnicate 
From all affairs of Church and State, 
Eeform'd to' a rcformado Saint, 
And glad to turn itinerant, 
To stroll and teach from town to town. 
And those he had taught up teach dowii,^ 
And make those uses serve again 
Against the New-eulighten'd men, 
As fit as when at first they were 
Reveal'd against the Cavalier ; 
Damn Anaba})tist and Fanatic, 
As pat as Popish and Prelatic ; 
And, with as little variation. 
To serve for any sect i' th' nation. 
The Good old Cause, which some believe 
To lie the devil that tempted Kve 
AVith knowledge, and does still invite 
The world to mischief with New liight, 
Had store of money in her purse, 
"When he took her for better or worse, 



was f(Might with sword and lance ; l)y yconicii, with sand- 
bags fastcuud tu the end of a liuiichcoii. 

(5) The Infh'pciideiit.s urge<l tlu; very same doctrines 
against tlie Presbyterians, whieii the latter had urged 
against the liishui)s. 



CANTO II. IIUDIBRAS. 303 

But noAv was grown deform'd and poor, 
And lit to be turn'd out of door. 

The Independents (whose first station 
"Was in the rear of Ileforraation, 
A mongrel kind of Church-dragoon.i, 
That serv'd for horse and foot at once, 
And in the saddle of one steed 
The Saracen and Christian rid ; 
AVere free of ev'ry sp'ritual order, 
To preach, and tight, and pray, and murder '') 
No sooner got the start, to lurch 
Both disciplines, of War and Church, 



(6) The ofRcers and soldiers among the Independents got 
into pulpits, and preached and ]>rayed as well as fonylit. 
Oliver Cromwell was famed for a preacher, and lias a sermon 
in i)rint, entitled, Cromwell's Learned, Devout, and Con- 
scientious Exercise, held at Sir Peter Temple's in LincAn's 
Inn Fields, upon Rom. xiii. 1, in which are the following 
flowers of rhetoric : ' Dearly beloved brethren and sisters, 
it is true, this text is a malignant one ; the wicked and un- 
godly have abused it veiy much ; but, thanks be to God, it 
was to their own ruin. 

' But now that I spoke of kings, the question is. Whether, 
by the higher powers, are meant kings or commoners ? Truly, 
beloved, it is a very great question among those that are 
learned : for may not every one that can rcatl observe, that 
Paul speaks in the plural number, higher pmcers ? Now, had 
he meant subjection to a king, he would liave said, "Let 
every soul be subject to the higher power," if he had meant 
one man ; but by this you see he meant moi-e than one : he 
bids xis "be subject to the higher powers," that is, the 
Council of State, the House of Commons, and the Army.' 
Ih. p. 8. 

lb. Sir Roger L'Estrange observes upon the pretended 
saints of those times, That they did not set one step, in the 
wliole tract of this ini(]uity, without seeking the Lord lirst, 
and. going up to inquire of the Lord, according to the cant 
of tliuse days. 



304 nUDIBKAS'. rAKT 

And Providence enough to run 

The chict" ".onnuandeis of 'cm down, 

But carried on the war against 

The common enemy o' th' Saints, 

And lin a while prevail'd so far, 

To win of them the game of war. 

And be at liberty once more 

To' attack themselves as tli' liad l)efore. 

For now there was no foe in arms 
To' unite their factions with alarms. 
But all reduc'd and overcome, 
Except their worst, themselves at home ; 
Who 'ad compiiss'd all they pray'd, and swoi-e, 
And fought, and preach'd, and plunder 'd for. 
Subdued the Nation, Church, and State, 
And all things but their laws and hate ; 
But when they came to treat and transact. 
And share the spoil of all they 'ad ransackt, 
To botch up what they 'ad torn and rent, 
Religion and the Government, 
They met no sooner, but prepar'd 
To pull down all the war had si)ar'd ; 
Agreed in nothing, but to' abolish, 
Subvert, extirpate, and demolish : 
For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin. 
As Dutoh boors are to' a sooterkiu, 
Both parties join'd to do thi-ir best 
To damn the public interest ; 
And herded only in consults, 
To put by one another's bolts ; 
To' out-cant the Babylonian labourers, 
At all their dialects of jabbereis. 
And tug at both ends of the saw. 
To tear down goverment and law : 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 305 

For as two cheats, tliat play one game, 
Are both defeated of their aim ; 
So those who play a game of state, 
And only cavil in debate, 
Although there's nothing lost or won, 
The public bus'ness is undone, 
Which still the longer 'tis in doing, 
Becomes the surer way to ruin. 

This when the Koyalists perceiv'd, 
(Who to their faith as firmly cleav'd, 
And own'd the right they had paid down 
So dearly for, the Church and Crown) 
Th' united constauter, and sided 
The more, the more their foes divided : 
For though outnumber'd, overthrown, 
And by the fate of war run down, 
Their duty never was defeated, 
Nor from their oaths and faith retreated ; 
For loyalty is still the same, 
Whether it win or lose the game ; 
Tnie as the dial to the sun, 
Although it be not shin'd upon. 
But when these Brethren in evil, 
Their adversaries, and the devil, 
Began once more to show them play, 
And hopes, at last, to have a day, 
They rallied in parades of woods, 
And unfrequented solitudes ; 
Conven'd at midnight in outhouses, 
T' appoint new-rising rendezvouses, 
And, with a pertinacy unmatch'd, 
For new recruits of danger watch'd, 
No sooner was one blow diverted, 
But up another party started, 
U 



306 luiDinnAs. paiit hi. 

And as if Nature, too, in liaste 
To furnish our sujiplies as fast, 
Before lier time had turn'd destruction 
T' a new and nnnu-rous production ; 
No sooner those were overcome 
But up rose others in their room, 
That, like the Christian faith, increnst, 
Tlie more, the more they were supprest ; 
Whom n(!ither chains nor transportation, 
l'roscri[)tion, sale, or confiscation, 
Nor all the desperate events 
Of former try'd experiments, 
Nor wounds, could teirify, nor mangling, 
To leave olf loyalty and dangling,'' 
Nor death (with all his bones) alfright 
P'rom vent'ring to maintain the light, 
From staking life and fortune down 
'Gainst all together, for the Ci-ovrn ; 
But keeps the title of their cause, 
From forfeitures, like claims in laws ; 

(7) The brave spirit of loyalty was not to be snppreafiCfl 
by the most barbarous and inhuman usage. Tliero are 
several remarkable instances upon rer^ord ; as that of the 
gallant Marquis of Montrose, tlie loyal Mr. Gerrard and Mr. 
Vowel, in 1654 ; of Mr. Penruddock, Grove, and others, 
who suffered for their loyalty at Exeter, 1*554-5 ; of Capt. 
Reynolds, who had been of the Kinjr's party, and, when lie 
was going to he turned off the ladder, cried, 'God bless 
King Cliarles ; Vive ,c Rdi/ ,' of Ualgelley, one of Montrose's 
party, who being senteneed to be beheaded, and being 
brought to the scaffold, ran and kissed it ; and, without 
any speech or ceremony, laid down his head u]k)ii the 
block and was beheaded ; of the br.ive Sir llobeit Spottis- 
wood; of Mr. Courtney, ami Mr. Portnian, who were coin- 
niitted to the Tower the begiiniing of February, IT.")?, for 
disiHTS'Mg ninong the soldiers what were then called 
sedilious books and pamphlets. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 307 

And prov'd no prosperous usurpation 
Can ever settle on the nation ; 
Until, in spite of force and treason, 
They put their loy'lty in possession ; 
And, by their constancy and faith, 
Destroy'd the mighty men of Gatli. 

Toss'd in a furious hurricane 
Did Oliver ^ give up his reign. 
And was behev'd, as well by Saints 
As mortal men and miscreants, 
To founder in the Stygian ferry, 
Until he was retriev'd by Sterry,^ 
Who, in a false erroneous dream, 
Mistook the New Jerusalem 
Profanely for the' apocryplial 
False Heaven, at the end o' th' Hall ; ^" 
Whither it was decreed by Fate 
His precious relics to translate : 
So Romulus Avas seen before 
By' as orthodox a senator. 
From whose divine illumination 
He stole the Pagan revelation. 



(8) At Oliver's death was a most furious tempest, sncli a? 
had not been known in the memory of man, or hardly evci 
recorded to have been in this nation. 

(9) Dr. South makes mention of an Independent divine, 
who, when Oliver was sick, of whit'h sickness he died, de 
clared, 'That God revealed to him that he should rcoovei-, 
and live thirty years longer ; for that God had raised him 
up for a work which could not be done in a less time.' 
Scnn. Vol. I. p 102. 

(10) After the Restoration, Oliver's body was dug up, and 
his head set up at the farther end of Westminster Hall, 
near which jilace there is an house of entertainment, which 
is commonly known by the name of Heaven. 

U2 



308 HUDIBRAS. PART III. . 

Next him his son and heir apparent 
Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent, ^^ 
Who first laid hy the Parl'ament, 
The only crutch on which he leant, 
And then sunk underneath the state 
That rode him above horseman's weight. 

And now the Saints began their reigu,^^ 
For which they 'ad yearn'd so long in vain. 
And felt such bowel-hankerings. 
To see an empire, all of kings, 
Deliver'd from the' Egyptian awe 
Of justice, government, and law,^^ 

(11) Oliver's eldest son, Richard, was by hiin, liefore his ■ 
death, declared his successor; and, by order of the Privy/ 
Council, proclaimed Lord Protector, and received the coni- 
pliments of congratulation and condolence, at the samei 
time, from the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen ; and 
addresses were presented to him from all parts of the 
nation, promising to stand by him with their lives and 
fortunes. He summoned a parliament to meet at West- 
minster, which recognised hin: Lord Protector ; yet, not- • 
withstanding, Fleetwood, Desborough, and their partisans, 
managed attairs so, that he was obliged to resign. 

(12) A sneer upon the Committee of Safety, amongst ( 
whom was Sir Uenry Vane, who (as Lord Clarendon 
reports) 'was a perfect enthusiast, and without doubt did 
believe himself inspired ; which so far corrnjited his reason 
and understanding, that he did at the same time believe lie 
was the person deputed to reign over the saints upon earth ' 
for a thousand years.' 

(13) Dr. James Young observes, ' That two Jesuitical prog- 
nosticators, Lilly and Culpepper, were so confident, amto 
1652, of the total subversion of the law and gospel-ministry, 
that in their scurrilous prognostications they predicted the 
downfal of both ; and, in 1654:, they foretold that the law. 
should be pulled down to the ground, — the great Charter, 
and all our liberties, destroyed, as not suiting with English- 
men in these blessed times ; that the crab-tree of the law 
should be pulled up by the roots, and grow no more, there 
being no reason now we should be governed by them.' 



CANTO II. HUDIBEAS. 309 

And free to' erect what spiritual cantons 

Should be reveal'd, or gospel Hans-towns, 

To edify upon the ruins 

Of John of Leaden's ^'^ old outgoings. 

Who for a weather-cock hung up 

Upon their mother-church's top, 

Was made a type, by Providence, 

Of all their revelations since, 

And now fulfill'd by his successors, 

Who equally mistook their measures : 

For when they came to shape the model, 

Kot one could fit another's noddle. 

But found their Light and Gifts more wide 

From fadging, than the' unsanctified, 

While every individual Brother 

Strove hand to fist against another, 

And still the maddest, and most crack't, 

Were found the busiest to transact : 

For though most hands dispatch apace 

And make light work (the proverb says) 

Yet many different intellects 

Are found to' have contrary efi'ects ; 

And many heads to' obstruct intrigues, 

As slowest insects have most legs. 

Some were for setting up a king ; 
But all the rest for no such thing, ''^ 



(14) John Buckold, Budd, or Bokelson, an anabaptist 
tailor of Leyden, and mock king of Munster, was hung 
upon the highest tower of the city, called St. Lambert's, 
with two of his rebel associates. 

(15) Harry Martyn, in his speech, in the debate, Whether 
a King, or no King, said, ' That if they must have a King, 
they had rather have had the last than any gentleman in 
England. He found no fault with his person, but othce.' 



310 HUDIBRAS. PAPtT III. 

Unless King Jesns : ^^ others tamperVl 
For Fleetwood, Dcsborough, and Lambert ; ^"^ 
Some for the Rump, and some, more ci'afty, 
For Agitators, and the Safety ; '^ 

(16) Alluding to the Fifth Monarchy-men, who had formed 
a plot to dethrone Cromwell, and set up King Jesus. 

(17) Fleetwood was a Lieutenant-general, he married 
Ireton's widow, Oliver Cromwell's eldest daughter : was 
made Lord Lieutenant of Ireland by Cromwell, Major- 
general of divers counties, one of Oliver's upper house ; 
his salary supposed to be GGOOZ. a year. — Desborough, a 
yeoman of 60 or 70?.. per annum; some say a ploughman. 
Bennet, speaking to Desborough, says, ' When your Lord- 
ship was a ploughman, and wore high shoon — Ha ! how the 
Lord raiseth some men, and depresseth others.' — Des- 
borough married Cromwell's sister, cast away his spade, 
and took up a sword, and was made a colonel ; was instru- 
mental in raising Cromwell to the Protectoiship ; upon 
which he was made one of his council, a General at sea, 
and Major-general of divers counties of the west ; and was 
one of Oliver's upper house. His annual income was 
32361. I3s. 4d. 

lb. Lambert was one of the Rump generals, and a prin- 
cipal opposer of General Monk in the restoration of King 
Charles II. The writer of the Narrative of the late Pariia- 
mcnt so called, 1657, p. 9, observes, ' That Major-general 
Lambert, as one of Oliver's council, had lOOOZ. per annuin, 
which, with his other places, in all amounted to 65121. 3s. -id. 

(18) In 1647, the Army made choice of a set number of 
ofllcers, which they called tlie General Council of Officers ; and 
the common soldiers made choice of three or four of each 
regiment, mostly corporals and sergeants, who were called 
by the name of Agitators, and were to be a House of Coni- 
muns to the council of officers : these drew up a Declaraticm, 
that they would not be disbanded till their arrears were 
paid, and a full provision made for liberty of conscience. 

lb. The Committee of Safety was a set of men who took 
upon them the government, upon displacing the Rump a 
second time : tlieir number amounted to twenty-three, 
which, though tilled up with men of all jiartics, (Royalists 
excepted) yet was so^ craftily composed, that the balance 
was sufficieutly secured to those of the army faction. 



CANTO ri. HUDIBRAS. 311 

Some for the Gosjiel, and massacres 

Of ii])'ritual Affidavit-makers, 

That swore to any human regence 

Oaths of suiirem'cy and aUegiance ; 

Yea, though the ablest swearing Saint, 

That vouch'd the bulls o' th' Covenant : 

Others for pulling down th' high places 

Of Synods and Provincial Classes, 

That us'd to make such hostile inroads 

Upon the Saints, like bloody Nimrods : 

Some for fulfilling Prophecies, 

And th' extirpation of the' Excise ; 

And some against the' Egyptian bondage i9 

Of Holy-days, and paying Poundage : 

Some for the cutting down of Groves, 

And rectifying bakers' Loaves ; 

And some for finding out expedients 

Against the slav'ry of Obedience : 

Some were foi- Gospel-ministers, 

And some for redcoat seculars. 

As men most fit to' hold forth the Woi'd, 

And wield the one and t'other sword : 

Some were for carrying on the Work 

Against the Pope, and some the Turk ; 

Some for engaging to su[)press 

The camisade of Surplices, 20 

That Gifts and Dispensations hinder'd, 

And turn'd to th' outward man the inward ; 



(19) There was nn oi'dinance to abolish festivals through- 
out England and Wales. Die Martis, 8 Junii, 1047. 

(20) When sohliers in a night expedition put their shirts 
over their armour, in order to be distinguished, it was called 
a Camisade. 



812 IIUDIBRAS. PART III. 

More proper for the cloudy night 

Of Popery than Gospel-light : 

Others were for abolishing 

That tool of matrimony, a Ring, 

With Avhich the' unsauctified bridegroom 

Is married only to a thumb ; 

(As wise as ringing of a pig, 

That us'd to break up ground, and dig) 

The bride to nothing but her will, 

That nulls the after-marriage still : 

Some were for the' utter extirpation 

Of Linsey-woolsey in the nation : 

And some against all idolizing 

The Cross in shop-books, or Baptizing : 

Others, to make all things recant 

The Christian or sirname of Saint, 

And force all churches, streets, and towns, 

The holy title to renounce : ^^ 

Some 'gainst a third estate of Souls, 

And bringing down the price of Coals : 22 

Some for abolishing Black-pudding, 

And eating nothing with the blood in ; 

To abrogate them roots and branches, ^^ 

AVhile others were for eating Haunches 

(21) Churf^hes, parishes, and even the apostles were un- 
sainted in the mayoralty of Alderman Pennington, and con- 
tinued so till 1660. The mayor of Colchester banished one 
of that cown for a malignant and a cavalier, in the year 
1643, whose name was Parsons, and gave this learned reason 
for this exemplary piece of justice, that it was an ominous 
name. 

(22) Sir Arthur Hazlerig, when governor of Newcastle, 
without any public authority, laid a tax of 4.s-. a chaldron 
upon coals, which was estimated at 50,000?. a year. 

(23) This was the spirit of the times. There was a pro- 
posal to carry twenty Royalists in front of Sir Thomas 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 313 

Of warriors, and, now and then, 
The Flesh of kings and mighty men ; 
And some for breaking of their bones 
With rods of iron, by secret ones : 
For thrashing mountains, and with spells 
For hallowing carriers' packs and bells ; 
Things that the legend never heard of, 
But made the wicked sore afeard of. 

The quacks of government (who sate 
At the' unregarded helm of state, 
And undei-stood this Avild confusion 
Of fatal madness and delusion, 
Must, s®oner than a prodigy, 
Portend destruction to be nigh) 
Consider'd timely how t' withdraw. 
And save their wind- pipes from the law ; 
For one rencounter at the bar 
Was worse than all they'd scap'd in war ; 
And therefore met in consultation 
To cant and quack upon the nation ; 
Not for the sickly patient's sake, 
Nor what to give, but what to take ; 
To feel the purses of their fees, 
More wise than fumbling arteries ; 
Prolong the snuff of life in pain. 
And from the grave recover— gain. 

'Mong these there was a politician 24 
With more heads than a beast in vision, 

Fairfax's aniiy, to expose them to the fire of the enemy ; 
nay, it was debated at a pouncil of war, to massacre a.nl 
put to the sword all the King's party : the question put 
was carried in the negative but by two votes. 

(24) This was Sir Anthony Ashley Cooper, afterwards 
Earl of Shaftesbury, who complied with every change in 



314 RUDIBRAS. TART ITT. 

And more intrigues in ever)'- one 

Tlian iill the Whores of Babylon ; 

So politic as if one eye 

Upon the other were a spy, 

That, to trepan the one to think 

The other blind, both strove to blink ; 

And in liis daik jtragmatic way 

As busy as a child at pla3^ 

He 'ad seen three governments run down, 

And had a hand in every one ; 

\Vas lor 'em, and against 'em all. 

But barbarous when tliey came to fall : 

For, by trepanning th' old to ruin. 

He made his interest Avith the new one ; 

Play'd true and laithiul, though against 

His conscience, and was still advauc'd : 

For l)y the witcluu-aft of rebellion 

Transform'd to* a feeble State -camelion, 

By giving aim from side to side, 

He never fail'd to save his tide, 

But got the start of every state, 

And, at a change, ne'er came too late ; 

Could turn his word, and oath, and faith, 

As many ways as in a lath ; 

liy turning wriggle, like a screw, 

Int' highest trust, and out, for new: 

For when he 'ad happily incurred, 

Instead of liemp, to lie preferr'd, 

And pass'd upon a government, 

He play'd his trick, and out he went : 

But being out, and out of hopes 

To mount his ladder (more) of ropes, 

those times. See his character in Wood's Athma-, Dryden's 
Adiitophel, and the li<jyal and Noble Authors. 



CANTO II. HUDTBRAS, 315 

Would strive to raise himself upon 

The public ruin, and his own ; 

So little did he understand 

The desperate feats he took in hand, 

For when he 'ad got himself a name. 

For frauds and tricks, he spoil'd his game ; 

Had forc'd his neck into a noose, 

To show his play at fast and loose ; 

And, when he chanc'd to' escape, mistook, 

For art and subtlety, his luck. 

So right his judgment was cut fit, 

And made a tally to his wit, 

And both together most profound 

At deeds of darkness under gi'ound ; 

As the' earth is easiest undermin'd 

By vermin impotent and blind. 

By all these arts, and many more 
He 'ad practis'd long and much before, 
Our state-artificer foresaw 
Which way the world began to draw : 
For as old sinners have all points 
0' th' compass in their bones and joints 
Can by their pangs and aches find 
All turns and changes of the wind, 
And, better than by Napier's bones. 
Feel in their own the age of moons : 
So guilty sinners, in a state, 
Can by their crimes prognosticate, 
And. in their consciences feel pain 
Some days before a show'r of rain : 
He, thei-efore, wisely cast about 
All ways he could, to' insure his throat, 
And hither came, to' observe and smoke 
What courses other riskers took, 



316 nUDIBRAS. PAET III. 

And to the utmost do his l)ost 

To save himself,'-^ ami hang the rest. 

To match this Saint there was another,^'' 
As bnsy and perv^erse a Brother, 
An haberdasher of small wares 
In politics and state-atfairs ; 
More Jew than Rabbi' Achitophel, 
And better gifted to rebel ; 
For when h'' had taught his tribe to 'spouse 
Tlie Cause, aloft, upon one house, 
He scorn'd to set his own in order. 
But try'd another, and went farther ; 
So suddenly addicted still 
To 's only principle, his will, 
That, whatsoe'er it chanc'd to prove, 
Nor force of argument could move, 

(25) Sir A. Ashley Cooper was of the miller's mind who 
was t-oncerned in the Cornish rebellion, in the year 16.08: 
he, apiireliending that Sir William Kingston, Provost-mar- 
shal and a rigorous man upon that occasion, would order 
hi',11 to be hanged upon the next tree, before he went off, told 
his ser\'ant that he expected some gentlemen would come 
a lishing to the mill, and, if they inquired for the miller, he 
ord.rcd him to say that he was the miller. Sir William caine 
arconling to expecitation, and inquiring for the miller, the 
j.oor harndess servant said he was the miller. Upon which 
the Provost ordered his servants to seize him, and hang him 
upon the next tree; which terrified the pcor fellow, andmade 
himcrytmt, 'lam not the nuUer, butthc miller'sman.' Tlie 
Provdst told him, 'Tliathe would take him athisAVord : if,* 
says he, 'thou art the miller, thou art a busy knave and 
rebel ; — and if thou art the miller's man, thou art a false 
lying knave, and canst not do thy master more service than to 
hang for him : ' and without more ceremony, he was executed. 

(•-'(i) This character exactly suits John Lilburn, for it was 
said of him, when living, by Judge Jenkin.s, 'That if the 
world was emptied of all hut himself, Lilbui'u would quarrel 
with John, and John with Lilburn.' 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 317 

Nor law, nor calvacade of Ho'buni,^^ 

Could render half a grain less stubborn ; 

For he at any time would hang, 

For the' opportunity t' harangue ; 

And rather on a gibbet dangle. 

Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle ; 

In which his parts were so accomplisht, 

That, right or wrong, he ne'er was nonplust ; 

But still his tongue ran on, the less 

Of weight it bore, Avith greater ease ; 

And, with its everlasting claek, 

Set all men's ears upon the rack. 

No sooner coukl a hint appear, 

But up he started to picqueer,-^ 

And miide the stoutest yield to mercy, 

When he engag'd in controversy ; 

Not by the force of carnal reason, 

But indefatigable teasing ; 

AVith vollies of eternal babble. 

And clamour, more unanswerable. 

For though his topics, frail and weak, 

Could ne'er amount above a freak. 

He still maintain'd 'em, like his faults. 

Against the desp'ratest assaults. 

And back'd their feeble want of sense 

With gi'eater heat and confidence ; 

As bones of Hectors, when they differ. 

The more they're cudgell'd grow the stifFer. 



(27) Alluding to the cavalcade of city-sheriffs, <fcc. wheif 
malefactors passed through Holburn iu their way to the 
place of execution at Tyburn. 

(28) To picqueer seems to skirmish, as the picquet cr 
advanced guard does, before a main army. 



318 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

Yet when his profit moderated, 

The fury of his heat abated ; 

For nothing but his interest 

Could hay his devil of contest : 

It was his choice, or chance, or curse, 

To' espouse the Cause for better or worse, 

And with his worldly goods and wit, 

And soul and body, worshipp'd it : 

But when he found the sullen trapes 

Posscss'd with th' devil, worms, and claps ; 

The Trojan mare, in foal with Greeks, 

Kot half so full of jadish tricks, 

Though squeamish in her outward woman, 

As loose and rampant as Dol Common, 

He still resolv'd to mend the matter, 

To' adhere and cleave the obstinatcr ; 

And still the skittisher and looser 

Her freaks appear'd, to sit the closer : 

For fools are stubborn in their way. 

As coins are harden' d by tli' allay : 

An obstinacy's ne'er so stiif. 

As when 'tis in a wrong belief. 

These two, with others, being met,29 

And close in consultation set ; 

After a discontented pause, 

And not without sufficient cause. 

The orator we nam'd of late, 

Jjess troubled with the pangs of state 

Than with bis own impatience 

To give himself first audience. 

After he had a while look'd wise, 

At last broke silence, and the ice. 

(29) This cabal was held at Whitehall, at the very tiiuo 
that General Munk was dining witli the city of Loudon. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS, 819 

Quoth he, * There's nothing makes me doubt 
Our last Outgoings brought about, 
More than to see the characters 
Of real jealousies and fears 
Not feign'd, as once, but sadly horrid, 
Scorch 'd upon ev'ry Member's forehead ; 
Who, 'cause the clouds are drawn together, 
And threaten sudden chauge of weather. 
Feel pangs and aches of state-turns, 
And revolutions in their corns ; 
And, since our Workings-out are crost, 
Tiirow up the Cause before 'tis lost. 
Was it to run aw^ay we meant. 
When, taking of the Covenant, 
The lamest cripples of the Brothers 
Took oaths to run before all others ; 
But, in their own sense, only swore 
To strive to run away before ; 
And now would prove, that words and oath 
Engage us to renounce them both ? 
'Tis true the Cause is in the lurch. 
Between a right and mongrel-church ; 
The Presbyter and Independent, 
That stickle which shall make an end on't. 
As 'twas made out to us the last 
Expedient, — (I mean Margaret's fast) 
When Providence had been suborn'd,^*** 
What answer was to be return'd : 
Else why should tumults fright us now, 
We have so many times gone through 

(30) Alluding to the slianieless impiety of those pretended 
saints, who frequently directed tlie Alniiglity what fiiisvcrs 
he should return to their prayers. Mr. Siincuu Aah was 
called the Gud-challcngar. 



320 UUDIBRAS. PART III. 

And understand as well to tame 

As, when they serve our turns, to' inflame ? 

Have prov'd how inconsiderable 

Are all engagements of the rabble, 

Whose frenzies must be reconcil'd 

With drums and rattles, like a child, 

But never prov'd so prosperous, 

As when they were led on by us ; 

For all our scouring of religion 

Began with tumults and sedition ; 

When hurricanes of tierce commotion 

Became strong motives to devotion ; 

(As carnal seamen, in a storm, 

Turn pious converts, and reform) 

When rusty weapons, with chalk'd edges, ^^ 

Maintain'd our feeble privileges, 

And brown-bills, levied in the City, 

Made bills to pass the grand Committee : 

When Zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves,^' 

Gave chase to rochets and white sleeves, 

And made the Church, and State, and Laws, 

Submit to' old iron, and the Cause. 

And as we thriv'd by tumults then, 

So might we better now again. 

If we knew how, as then we did, 

To use them rightly in our need : 

Tumults, by which the mutinous 

Betray themselves instead of us ; 

The hollow-hearted, disaffected. 

And close malignant are detected ; 

(31) To fight with rusty or poisoned weapons, was against 
the law of arms : so when Ihe citizens used the former, 
thej chalked the edges. 

(32) Gleaves or glaves, are swords or falchions. 



CANTO ir. HUDIBRAS. 321 

"Who lay tlieir lives and fortunes down 
For pledges, to secure our own ; 
And freely sacrifice tlieir ears 
To' appease our jealousies and fears : 
And yet for all these providences 
We're offer'd, if we have our senses, 
We idly sit, like stupid blockheads, 
Our hands committed to our pockets ; 
And nothing but our tongues at large, 
To get the wretches a discharge : 
Like men condemn'd to thunderbolts, 
Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts ; 
Or fools besotted with their crimes, 
That know not how to shift betimes, 
That neither have the hearts to stay, 
Nor wit enough to run away : 
Who, if we could resolve on either. 
Might stand or fall at least together ; 
!No mean nor trivial solaces 
To partners in extreme distress, 
Who use to lessen their despairs. 
By parting them int' equal shares ; 
As if the 7uore they were to bear, 
They felt the weight the easier ; 
And every one the gentler hung, 
The more he took his turn among. 
But 'tis not come to that, as 3'ct, 
If we had courage left, or wit ; 
Who, when our fate can be no worse, 
Are fitted for the bravest course ; 
Have time to rally, and prepare 
Our last and best defence, despair : 
Despair, by which the gallant'st feats, 
Have been achiev'd in greatest straits, 

X 



322 IIUDIBllAS. PART III. 

And horrid'st dangers safely vvav'd, 

By being courageously outbrav'd ; 

As Avounds by wider wounds are lieal'd, 

And poisons by themselves expell'd : 

And so they might be now again, 

If we were, what we should be, men ; 

And not so dully desperate, 

To side against ourselves with Fate : 

As criminals, condemn'd to suffer. 

Are blinded first, and then turn'd over. 

This comes of breaking Covenants, 

And setting up exempts ^^ of Saints, 

That fine, like aldermen, for grace, 

To be excus'd the efficace : 

For sp'ritual men are too transcendent, 

That mount their l)anks for Independent, 

To hang, like Mahomet, in the air. 

Or St. Ignatius, at his prayer, 

By pure geometry, and hate 

Dependence upon church or state : 

Disdain the pedantry o' the' latter : 

And since obedience is better 

(The Scripture says) than sacrifice, 

Presume the less on't will suffice ; 

And scorn to have the moderat'st stints 

Prescrib'd their peremptory hints, 

Or any opinion, true or false, 

Declar'd as such, in Doctrinals ; 

But left at large to make their best on. 

Without b'ing call'd to' account or quest'on : 

Interpret all the spleen reveals, 

As Whittingtou explain'd the bells ; 

(3-)) The exempt is a life-giiard, fiee from duty. The term 
is .still retained among the yeomanry of the King's guard. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 323 

And bid themselves turn back again 

Lord May'rs of New Jerusalem ; 

But look so big and overgrown, 

They scorn their edifiers to own, 

Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, 

Their tones, and sanctified expressions ; 

Bestow'd their Gifts upon a Saint, 

Like charity, on those that want ; 

And learn'd the' apocryphal bigots 

To' inspire themselves with short-hand notes, 

For which they scorn and hate them worse 

Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders : 

For who first bred them up to pray, • 

And teach the House of Commons' way ? 

"Where had they all their gifted phrases, 

But from our Calamies and Cases ? '^* 

Without whose sprinkling and sowing, 

Who e'er had heard of Nye or Owen ? 

Their Dispensations had been stifled, 

But for our Adoniram Byfield ; -^^ 

And, had they not begun the war, 

They 'ad ne'er been sainted as they are : 

For Saints in peace degenerate. 

And dwindle down to reprobate ; 

Their zeal corrupts, like standing water, 

In the' intervals of war and slaughter ; 

(34) Calamy and Case were chief men among the Pres- 
byterians, as Owen and Nye were among the Indepen- 
dents. 

(35) He was a broken apothecary, a zealous Covenanter, 
one of the scribes to the Assembly of Divines ; and, no 
doubt, for his great i:eal and ]iains-taking in his office, ho 
had the profit of printing the Directory, the copy whereof 
was sold for 400L though, when printed, the price was but 
tliree-pence. 

x2 



824 HUDIEPwAS. PART III. 

Ahates the sharpness of its edge, 

Without the powei- of sacrilege ; ^6 

And though they 'ave tricks to cast their sins, 

As easy' as serpents do their skins, 

That in a while grow out again, 

In peace they turn mere carnal men, 

And, from the most retin'd of Saints, 

As naturally grow miscreants 

As barnacles turn soland geese ^^ 

In the' islands of the Orcades. 

Their Dispensation's but a ticket 

For their conforming to the Wicked, 

With whom the greatest difference 

liies more in words and show, than sense : 

For as the Pope, that keeps the gate 

Of heaven, wears three crowns of state ; 

So he that keeps the gate of hell. 

Proud Cerberus ! wears three heads as well ; 

And, if the world has any troth. 

Some have been canoniz'd in both. 

But that which does them greatest harm, 

Their sp'ritual gizzards are too warm, 

Whicdi puts the overheated sots 

In fever still, like other goats ; 

For though the AVhore l)ends heretics 

With flames of fire, like crooked sticks. 

Our Schismatics so vastly dilfer, 

Th' hotter they are they grow the stifTer ; 

(36) It is an observation made by nianj' writers upon the 
Assembly of Divines, tliat in tlieir annotations upon tlie 
Bible they cautiously avoid speaking upon the subject of 
sacrilege. 

(37) According to vulgar tradition, there are trees in the 
Orcades of Scotland, which bear barnacles that become 
Solaud geese. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 325 

Still setting off tlicir sp'ritual goods 
With fierce and pertinacious feuds : 
For Zeal's a dreadful termagant, 
That teaches Saints to tear and rant, 
And Independents to profess 
The doctrine of Dependences ; 
Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones, 
To Rawheads fierce, and Bloodybones ; 
And, not content with endless quarrels 
Against the Wicked, and their morals, 
The Gibellines, for want of Guelfs,'^^ 
Divert their rage upon themselves. 
For, now the war is not between 
The Brethren and the Men of Sin, 
But Saint and Saint to spill the blood 
Of one another's Brotherliood ; 
Where neither side can lay pretence 
To liberty of conscience. 
Or zealous suffering for the Cause, 
To gain one groat's-worth of applause ; 
For, though endur'd ^^^th resolution, 
'Twill ne'er amount to persecution. 
Shall precious Saints, and secret ones, 
Break one another's outward bones, 
And eat the flesh of Brethren, 
Instead of kings and mighty men ? 
When fiends agree among themselves, 
Shall they be found the greater elves ? 
When Bell's at union with the Dragon, 
And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon ; 



(381 These were two opposite factions in Italy that en- 
gaged against eai-h otlier in tlie thirteenth eentui7 ; one on 
the side of the Emperor, the other of the Pope. 



326 HTJDIBRAS. PART 

"When savage bears agree with bears, 

Shall Secret ones hig Saints by the' ears, 

And not atone their fatal wrath, 

"When common danger threatens both ? 

Shall mastiffs, by the collars pull'd, 

Engag'd with bnlls, let go theii- hold. 

And Saints, whose necks arc pawn'd at stake, 

No notice of the danger take ? 

Bnt thongh no pow'r of heav'n or hell 

Can pacify fanatic zeal ; 

"Who would not guess there might be hopes 

Tlio fear of gallowses and ropes, 

Before their eyes, might reconcile 

Their animosities a Avhile ? 

At least until they 'd a clear stage, 

And equal freedom to engage, 

"Without the danger of surprise 

By both our common enemies ? 

' This none but we alone could doulit, 
"Who understand their Workings-out, 
And know 'em, both in soul and conscience, 
Oiv'n up to' as reprobate a nonsense 
A-^ s| ('ritual outlaws, whom the pow'r 
Of miracle can ne'er restore. 
We whom at first they set up under. 
In revelation only' of plunder, 
Who since have had so many trials 
Of their encroaching self-denials. 
That rook'd upon us with design 
To out-roform and undermine ; 
Took all our interests and commands 
Perfidiously, out of our hands ; 
Involv'd us in the guilt of blood. 
Without the motive -'rains allow'd, 



CANTO II. IlUDIBllAS. 327 

And made us servo as ministerial, 

Like younger sons of Father Belial : 

And yet for all the' inhuman wrong, 

They 'ad done us, and the Cause so long, 

"We never fail'd to carry on 

The Work still, as we had begun ; 

But true and faithfully obey'd, 

And neither preach'd them hurt, nor pray'd ; 

Nor troubled them to crop our ears, 

Nor hang us like the Cavaliers ; 

Nor put them to the charge of gaols, 

To find us pillories and carts' -tails, 

Or hangman's wages, which the state 

Was forc'd (before them) to be at : 

That cut, like tallies, to the stumps 

Our ears, for keeping true accompts. 

And burn'd our vessels, like a new 

Seal'd peck, or bushel, for b'ing true ; 

But hand in hand, like faithful Brothers, 

Held for the Cause, against all others. 

Disdaining equally to yield 

One syllable of what we held. 

And though we differ 'd now and then 

'Bout outward things, and outward men ; 

Our inward men, and constant frame 

Of spirit, still were near the same : 

And till they first began to cant,^^ 

And sprinkle down tlie Covenant, 

We ne'er had call in any place, 

Nor dream'd of teaching down Free Grace ; 

But join'd our Gifts perpetually 

Against the common enemy, 

(39) From Andrew Cant and his son Alexander ; seditious 
preaching and praying in Scotland, was called Canting. 



3 28 niTDicRAs. PAr. 

Altliough 'twas ours, and their opinion, 

Each other's church was but a Eimmon : 

And yet for all this Gospel-union, 

And outward show of Church-communion, 

The3^'d ne'er admit us to our shares, 

Of ruling church or state affairs. 

Nor give us leave to' absolve, or sentence 

To' our own conditions of repentance, 

But shar'd our dividend o' the Crown 

We had so painfully preach'd down. 

And forc'd us, though against the grain, 

To' have calls to teach it up again : 

For 'twas but justice to restore 

The wrongs we had receiv'd before ; 

And, when 'twas held forth in our Avay, 

"VVe 'ad been ungrateful not to pay ; 

"Who, for the right we 'ave done the nation, 

Have earn'd our temporal salvation, 

And put our vessels in a way, 

Once more, to come again in play. 

For if the turning of us out 

Has brought this providence about, 

And that our only suffering 

Is able to bring in the King, 

AVhat would our actions not have done, 

Had we been suffer'd to go on ? 

And therefore may pretend to' a share, 

At least, in carrying on the' affair : 

But whether that be so or not, 

"\Ve 'ave done enough to have it thought, 

And that's as good as if we 'ad don't, 

And easier pass'd upon account : 

For if it be but half denied, 

'Tis half as good as justified. 



CANTO ri. IIUDIBIIA.S. 329 

The world is naturally averse 

To all the truth it sees or heai-s, 

But swallows nonsense, and a lie, 

"With greediness and gluttony ; 

And though it have the pique, and long, 

'Tis still for something in the wrong ; 

As women long, when they're with child, 

For things extravagant and wild ; 

For meats ridiculous and fulsome, 

But seldom any thing that's wholesome ; 

And, like the world, men's jobhernoles 

Turn round upon their ears, the poles ; 

And what they 're confidently told. 

By no sense else can be eontroll'd. 

And this, perhaps, may prove the means 

Once more to hedge in Providence. 

For as relapses make diseases 

More desperate than their first accesses, 

If Ave but get again in power. 

Our work is easier than before ; 

And we more ready and expert 

r til' mystery, to do our part : 

"We, who did rather undertake 

The first war to create than make ; 

And, when of nothing 'twas begun, 

Eais'd fiTuds, as strange, to carry 't on ; 

Trepann'd the state, and fac'd iib down, 

"With plots and projects of our own ; 

And if we did such feats at first, 

"What can we, now we're better verst ? 

"Who have a freer latitude, 

Than sinners give themselves, allow'd ; 

And therefore likeliest to bring in, 

On fairest terms, our Discipline ; 



330 nUDIBKAS. rAKT T£i: 

To whicli it was reveal'd long since 

We were ordain'd by Providence, 

When three Saints' ears, our predecessors,*' 

The Cause's primitive confessors, 

IVing crucified, the nation stood 

In just so many years of blood, 

Tliat, multiply'd by six, exprest 

The perfect number of the Beast, 

And prov'd that we must be the men 

To bring this Work about again ; 

And those who laid the first foundation, 

Complete the thorough Reformation : 

For who have gifts to carry on 

So great a work, but we alone ? 

Wliat Churches have such able pastors, 

And precious, powerful, preaching Masters? 

Posscss'd with absolute dominions 

O'er Brethren's purses and opinions ? 

And trusted with the double keys 

( )f heaven, and their warehouses ; 

Who, when the Cause is in distress, 

Can furnish out what sums they please, 

That brooding lie in bankers' hands, 

To be dispos'd at their commands ; 

And daily' increase and multiply, 

With Doctrine, Use, and Usury : 

Can fetch in parties (as, in war, 

All other heads of cattle are) 

From the' enemy of all religions. 

As well as high and low conditions. 

And share them, from blue ribands, down 

To all blue aprons in the town : 

(40; Burton, Prynne. and BMstwick, three notorious ring 
leaders of faction, at the beginning of the Rebellion. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 331 

From ladies hurried in calleches, 
"With coronets at their footmen's breeches, 
To bawds as fat as Mother Nab, 
All guts and belly, like a crab. 
Our party's great, and botter tied 
With oaths and trade tlian any side ; 
Has one considerable iinprovenient 
To double fortify the Cov'nant ; 
1 mean our Covenant to purchase 
Delinquents' titles, and the Church's, 
That pass in sale, from hand to hand. 
Among ourselves, for current land. 
And rise or fall, like Indian actions, 
According to the rate of factions : 
Our best reserve for Reformation, 
When new Outgoings give occasion ; 
That keeps the loins of Brethren girt, 
The Covenaut (their creed) to' assert ; 
And when they've pack'd a Parliament, 
Will once more try the' expedient ; 
Who can already muster friends 
To serve for members to our ends, 
That represent no part o' th' nation, 
But Fisher's-folly congregation ;^^ 
Are only tools to our inti-igues. 
And sit like geese to hatch our eggs ; 
Who, by their precedents of wit, 
To' outfast, oLitloiter, and outsit, 
And order matters under hand, 
To put all business to a stand ; 

(41) L'Estrange observes, that a meeting-house M'as built 
by one Fisher, a shoemaker, which at the Ri^storation was 
pulled down by some of the loyalists ; and then, lying use- 
less, it was called Fisher's Folly. 



832 IIUUIBRAS. TART III 

Lay public bills aside, for private, 

And make 'em one another drive out ; 

Divert the great and necessary, 

With trifles to contest and vary ; 

And make the nation represent, 

And serve for us in Parliament ; 

Cut out more work than can be done 

In Plato's year,'*=^ but finish none. 

Unless it be the bulls of Lenthal,^^ 

That always passed for fundamental ; 

Can set up grandee against grandee, 

To squander time away, and bandy ; 

]\rake Lords and Commoners lay sieges 

To one another's privileges ; 

And, rather than compound the (quarrel, 

Kugage to the' inevitable peril 

Of both their ruins, the' only scope 

And consolation of our hope ; 

Who, though we do not play the game, 

Assist as much by giving aim ; 

Can introduce our ancient arts. 

For heads of factions t' act their parts ; 

Know what a leading voice is worth, 

A seconding, a third, or fourth ; 

(42) Plato's year amounted to 4,000 of our years, and 
formed the grand revolution of the entire machine of the 
world. 

(43) Lenthal was Speaker to that House of Commons 
wliich began the Rebellion, murdered the King (becoming 
then but tne Rump, or fag-end of a House), and was turned 
out by Oliver Cromwell ; restored after Richard was ousted, 
and at last dissolved themselves at General Monk's com- 
mand : and as his name was set to the ordinances of this 
House, these ordinances are here called the Bulls of Lenthal, 
in allusion -to the Pope's bulls, which are humorously de- 
Scribed by the author of A Tale of a Tub. 



CANTO II. IIUDIBRAS. 333 

How miTcli a casting voice comes to, 
That turns up trump of Aye, or No; 
And, by adjusting all at tli' end, 
Share every one his dividend. 
An art that so much study cost, 
And now's in danger to be lost. 
Unless our ancient virtuosis, 
That found it out, get in to the' Houses. 

* These are the coui'ses that we took 
To carry things by hook or crook, ^ 
And y^ractis'd down from forty-four, 
Until they turn'd us out of door, 
Besides, the herds of Boutefeus 
We set on work without the House, 
When every knight and citizen 
Kept legislative journeymen, 
To bring them in intelligence, 
From all points, of the I'abble's sense, 
And fill the lobbies of both Houses 
With politic important buzzes ; 
Set up committees of cabals, 
To pack designs without the walls ; 
Examine, and draw up all news. 
And fit it to our present use ; 
Agree upon the plot o' the farce. 
And every one his part rehearse ; 
Make Q's of answei-s, to waylay 
What t' other party's like to say ; 



(44) Judge Crook and Hiitton were the two judges who 
dissented from their ten brethren in the case fif shipmon(>y, 
wlien it WHS argued in tlie Exeheqner : which occnsimed 
tlie wags to say, that the King carried it by IIoul-, Imt not 
by Crook. 



334 IIUDTBRAS. r^ 

What repartees, and smart reflections, 

Shall be return'd to all objections ; 

And who shall break the master-jest, 

And what, and how, upon the rest : 

Help pamphlets out with safe editions 

Of proper slanders and seditions, 

And treason for a token send. 

By letter, to a country friend ; 

Disperse lampoons, the only wit 

That men, like burglary, commit ; 

Wit falser than a padder's face, 

That all its owner does betrays ; 

Who therefore dares not trust it, when 

He's in his calling to be seen : 

Disperse the dung on barren earth, 

To bring new weeds of discord forth ; 

Be sure to keep up congregations, 

In spite of laws and proclamations : 

For charlatans can do no good. 

Until they're mounted in a crowd ; 

And when they're punish'd, all the hurt 

Is but to fare the better for't ; 

As long as confessors are sure 

Of double pay for all th' endure, 

And what they earn in persecution, 

Are paid to' a groat in contribution : 

Whence some tub-holders-forth have made 

In powdering-tubs their richest trade ; 

And, while they keep their shops in }irison, 

Have found their prices strangely risen, 

Disdain to own the least regret 

For all the Christian blood we 'ave let ; 

'Twill save our credit, and maintain 

Our title to do so again : 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 335 

That needs not cost one dram of sense, 
But pertinacious impudence. 
Our constancy to' our principles, 
In time will wear out all things else ; 
Like marble statues, rubb'd in pieces 
"With gallantry of pilgrim's kisses ; 
"While those who turn and wind their oaths, 
Have swell'd and sunk, like other froths ; 
Prevail'd a while, but 'twas not long'*^ 
Before from world to world they swung ; 
As they had turned from side to side, 
And as the changelings liv'd they died.' 

This said, the' impatient Statesmouger 
Could now contain himself no longer, 
"Who had not spar'd to show his piques 
Against the' haranguer's politics, 
"With smart remarks of leering faces, 
And annotations of grimaces. 
After he'd administer'd a dose 
Of snuff mundungus to his nose, 
And powder'd the' inside of his skull, 
Instead of the' outward jobbernol, 
He shook it with a scornful look 
On the' adversary, and thus he spoke : 

' In dressing a calf's head, although 
The tongue and brains together go. 
Both keep so great a distance here, 
'Tis strange if ever they come near ; 
For who did ever play his gambols 
With such insufferable rambles, 

(45) Dr. South remarks upon the Regicides, 'That so sure 
did they make of heaven, and so fully reckoned themselves 
in the high road thither, that they never so much as thought 
that their Saintships should take Tyburn in the way.' 



336 IlUDir-RAR. I'AT 

To nicake the bringing in the King, 

And keeping of him ont, one thing? 

Which none could do, Init those that swore 

To' as point blank nonsense heretofore ; 

That to defend was to invade, 

And to assassinate to aid : 

Unless, because you drove him out, 

(And that was never made a doubt) 

No pow'r is able to restore 

And bring him in, but on your score : 

A sp'ritual doctrine that conduces 

Most properly to all your uses. 

'Tis true, a scorpion's oil is said 

To cure the wounds the vermm made ; 

And weapons dressed with salves, restore 

And heal the hurts they gave before : 

But whether Presbyterians have 

So much good nature as the salve, 

Or virtue in them as the vermin, 

Those who have tried them can determine. 

Indeed 'tis pity yon should miss 

The' arrears of all j^our services, 

And, for the' eternal obligation 

Y' laid upon the' ungrateful nation, 

Be us'd so' unconscionably hard, 

As not to find a just reward 

For letting rapine loose, and murder, 

To rage just so far, Init no further. 

And setting all the land on fire. 

To burn to' a scantling, but no higher ; 

For venturing to assassinate 

And cut the tliroats of Church and State, 

And not be' allow'd the fittest men 

To take the Charge of both again : 



CANTO ir. HUDIBKAS. 337 

Especially that have the grace 

Of self-denying gifted face ; 

"Wlio, when your projects have miscarried, 

Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, 

On those you painfully trepann'd, 

And sprinkled in at second-hand ; 

As we have been, to sliare the guilt 

Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt ; 

For so our ignorance was fiamm'd. 

To. damn ourselves, to' avoid being damn d ; 

Till finding your old foe, the hangman, 

"Was like to lurch you at Back-gammon, 

And win your necks upon the set, 

As well as ours, who did but bet, 

(For he ha'l drawn your ears before,^" 

And nick'd them on the self-same score) 

"We threw the box and dice awaj''. 

Before y' had lost us at foul play, 

And brought you down to rook and lie, 

And fancy only on the bye ; 

Redeem'd your forfeit jobbernolos. 

From perching upon lofty poles, 

And rescued all your outward traitors 

From hanging up, like alligators ; 

For which ingeniously ye 'ave shew'd 

Your Presbyterian gratitude ; 

Would freely have paid us home in kind, 

And not have been one rope behind. 

Those were your motives to divide 

And scruple on the other side, 

(46) Alluding to the case of Mr. Prynne, wlio hurl hia 
ears cropped twice for his seditious writinps. Hence Milton 
in one of his miscellaneous poems says — ' Crop ye as close 
as marginal Prynne's ears.' 

Y 



338 IIUDIBI'.AS. PAKT III. 

To turn your zealous frauds, and force, 

To fits of conscience and remorse ; 

To be convinc'd they were in vain, 

And face about for new again : 

For truth no more unveil'd your eyes, 

Than maggots are convinc'd to Hies ; 

And therefore all your Lights and Calls 

Are but apocryphal and false, 

To charge us Avith the conserpiences 

Of all your native insolences, 

That to your own imperious wills 

Laid Law and Gospel neck and heels ; 

Corrupted the Old Testament *^, 

To serve the New for precedent ; 

To' amend its errors and defects, 

With murder and rebellion-texts ; 

Of whicli there is not any one 

In all the book to sow upon ; 

And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews 

Held Christian doctrine foi'th, and use ; 

As j\lahomet (your chief) ])egan 

To mix them in the Alcoran ; 

Denounc'd and pray'd, with lierce devotion, 

And bended elbows on the cushion ; 

Stole from the beggars all your tones, 

And gifted mortifying groans ; 

Had lights were better eyes were blind. 

As pigs are said to see the wiiul ; 

Fill'd Bedlam with predestination, 

And Knightsbridge with illumination ; 

(47) This was done by a fanatical printer, in the seventh 
connnandnient ; who printed it, TAowshait commit advUcry, 
and was lined for it in the Star-chamber, or iiiyii-comUiis- . 
sion Comt. 



CANTO ir. HUDIBRAS. 339 

Make children, with your tones, to run for't, 

As bad as Bloody bones or Lunsford^*^. 

While women, great Avith child, miscarried, 

For being to Malignants married : 

Transform'd all wives to Dalilahs, 

Whose husbands were not for the Cause ; 

And turn'd the men to ten-horn'd cattle, 

Because they came not out to battle ; 

Made tailors' prentices turn heroes. 

For fear of being transform'd to Meroz ■^^ ; 

And rather forfeit their iiidentures, 

Than not espouse the Saints' adventures ; 

Could transubstantiate, metamorphose. 

And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus ; 

Inchant the King's and Church's lands, 

To' obey and follow your commands. 



(48) It was one of the artifices of the malecontenf s in the 
Civil war to raise false alarms, and to fill the people full of 
frightful apprehensions. In particular, they raised a terrible 
outcry of the imaginary danger they conceived from the 
Lord Digby and Colonel Luusford. Lilburn glories, upon 
his trial, for being an incendiary on such occasions, and 
mentions the tumult he raised against the innocent Colonel 
as a meritorious action : • I was once arraigned (says he) 
before the House of Peers, for sticking close to the liberties 
and privileges of this nation, and those that stood for them, 
Leing one of those two or three men that lirst drew their 
swords in Westminster Hall against Colonel Lunsford, and 
some scores of his associates : at that time it was sup- 
posed they intended to cut the throats of the chiefest men 
then sitting in the House of Peers.' To render him the 
more odious and detestable, they reported that he was of so 
trutal an apjietite that he would eat children : yet Colonel 
Lunsford was a person of extraordinary sobriety, industry, 
and courage, and was killed at the taking of Bristol by 
the King, "in 1643. 

(49) ace the Book of Judges, chap v. 

Y 2 



340 IIUDIBKAS. PAR 

And settle on a new freehold, 
As Marcy-hill had done of old ; so 
Coukl turn the Covenant, and translate 
The Gospel into spoons and plate ; 
Expound upon all merchants' cashes, 
And open the' intricatest places ; 
Could catechise a money-box, 
^\!!il prove all pouches orthodox ; 
I'litil the Cause became a Damon, 
And Pythias the wicked Mammon. 

' And yet, in spite of all your charms 
To i"(jujure Legion up in arms, 
And raise more devils in the rout, 
Than e'er y' were able to cast out, 
Y' have been reduc'd, and by those fools, 
Bred up (you say) in your own schools, 
Who, though but gifted at your feet. 
Have made it plain they have more wit. 
By whom you 'ave been so oft trepanu'd, 
And huld forth out of all comuuuid ; 
Out-giited, out-impuls'd, out done. 
And out-rcveal'd at Carryings-on ; 
01' all your Di.si)cnsations worm'd, 
Out-jirovidenc'd and out-rcform'd ; 
Ejected out of C hurch and State, 
And all things but the people's hate ; 
And spirited out of the' enjoyments 
Ol' ]»recious, etlifying employments, 
By those who lodg'd their gifts and graces 
Like better bowlers, in your places : 
All which you bore with resolution, 
Charg'd on the' account of persecution ; 

(oO) See Camdeu's Britannia and Stow's Clironiclc. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 341 

And though most righteously opprcss'J, 

Against your wills, still acquiesc'd ; 

And never hum'd and hah'd Sedition, 

Nor snuffled Treason, nor Misprision: 

That is, because you never durst : 

For, had you preach'd and pray'd your worst, 

Alas ! you were no longer able 

To raise j^our posse of the rabble : 

One single redcoat sentinel 

Outcharm'd the magic of the spell, 

And Avith his squirt-fire, could disperse 

Whole troops, with chapter rais'd and verse. 

"We knew too well those tricks of yours, 

To leave it ever in your powers ; 

Or trust our safeties, or undoings, 

To your disposing of Outgoings ; 

Or to your ordering Providence, 

One farthing's-worth of consequence. 

' For had j^ou power to undermine, 
Or wit to carry a design, 
Or correspondence to trepan. 
Inveigle, or betray one man ; 
There's nothing else that intervenes. 
And bars your zeal to use the means ; 
And therefore Avondrous like, no doubt, 
To bring in kings, or keep them out : 
Brave undertakers to restore. 
That could not keep yourselves in pow'r ; 
To' advance the interests of the Crown, 
That wanted wit to keep your om'U. 

' 'Tis true you have (for I'd be loath 
To wrong ye) done your parts in both, 
To keep him out, and bring him in, 
As Grace is introduc'd by Sin ; 



342 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

For 'twas your zealous want of sense 

And sanctified impertinence ; 

Your carrying business in a huddle, 

That forc'd our rulei's to new-model ; 

Oblig'd the State to tack about, 

And turn you, root and T)ranch, all out ; 

To reformado, one and all, 

To' your great Croysado General : 

Your greedy slavering to devour, 

Before 'twas in your clutches, pow'r ; 

That sprung tlie game you were to set, 

Before he 'ad time to draw the net ; 

Your spite to see the Church's lands 

Divided into other hands, 

And all your sacrilegious ventures 

Laid out in tickets and debentures : 

Your envy to be sprinkled down. 

By under churches in the Town ; 

And no course us'd to stop their mouths, 

Nor the' Independents, spreading gro'wths. 

All which consider'd, 'tis most true 

None bring him in so much as you, 

AVho have prevail'd beyond their i)lots, 

Tlieir midnight juntos, and seal'd knots ;^^ 

Tliat thrive more by your zealous piques 

T]ian all their own rash politics. 

And this way you may claim a share 

Iji carrying \as you brag) the' affair, 

Else frogs and toads tliat croak 'd the Jews 

From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose. 

And flics and mange, that set them free 

From taskmasters and slavery, 

(51) Sealed knots were secret clubs. 



CANTO II. HUDTBllAS. 343 

Wero likelior to do the feat, 
In any indiffei-eiit man's conceit : 
For who e'er heard of Restoration, 
Until your thorough Eeforniati(»n ? 
That is, the King's and Chnrcdi's lands 
Were seqnester'd int' othei- hands : 
For only then, and not hefore. 
Your eyes were ojien'd to i-estore ; 
And when the work was carrying on, 
Who cross'd it but yourselves alone ? 
As hy a world of hints appears, 
All plain, and extant, as your ears. 

' But tirst, o' th' first : The Isle of Wight 
Will rise up, if you should deny't. 
Where Henderson •'''■^, and the' other Masses, 
Were sent to cap texts, and put cases : 
To pass for deep and learned scholars. 
Although but paltry Ob and Sollers^' : 

(52) When the King, in the year IM6, was in the Sroich 
army, the English Parliament sent him some propositions, 
one of which was the abolition of Episi-opaey, and tlie 
setting np Presbytery in its stead. Mr. Henderson oneofthe 
chief of the Scotch Presbyterian ministers, was eniiiloyed to 
induce the King to agree to this proposition, it being wlint 
his Majesty chiefly stuck at. Accordingly he eame provided 
with books and papers for his purpose : the controversy was 
debated in writing, as well as by personal conference, aiid 
several papers passed between them, which have l>ecii 
several times published ; from which it appears that the 
King, without books or papers, or any one to assist him, 
was an overmatch for this old champion of the Kirk. 

(58) Ob and Sollers are designed as a character of Mr. 
Henderson and his fellow disputants, who are called Masses 
(as Mass is an abridgment of Master\ that is, young masters 
in divinity ; and this character signities something quite 
contrary to deep and learned scholars ; particularly such as 
had studied controversies, as they are handled by little books 
or systems (of the Dutch and Geneva cut), where the authors 



24 1 nUDIBRAS. PART III. 

As if tlie' unseasonable fools 
Had been a coursing in tlie schools, 
Until they 'ad prov'd the devil author 
0' th' Cov'nant, and the Cause his daughter : 
For when they charg'd him with the guilt 
Of all tbe blood that had been spilt, 
They did not mean he wrought the' effusion 
In person, like Sir Pride, or Hughson,^^ 
But only those who first begxm 
The quarrel were by him set on ; 
And who could those be but the Saints, 
Those Reformation termagants ? 
But ere this pass'd the wise debate 
Spent so much time it grcAv too late ; 
For Oliver had gotten ground. 
To' enclose him with his warriors round ; 
Had brought his providence about. 
And turn'd tlie' untimely sophists out. 
' Nor had tlie Uxbridge business less 
Of nonsense in't, or sottishness ; 
represent their adversaries' arguments by small objections, and 
subjoin their own pitiful sohdiuns. In the margin of these 
books maybe seen Ob and Sol. Such mushroom divines are 
ingeniously and compendiously called Ob and SoUcrs. 

(54) Pride was a foundling. He went into the army, was 
made a colonel, and was principally concerned in secluding 
the members, in order to the King's trial ; which great 
change was called Colonel Pride's Purge. He was one of 
Oliver Cromwell's upper house. He is called Thomas Lord 
Pride, in the commission for erecting a High Court of Jus- 
tice for the trial of Sir Henry Slingsby, Dr. Hevvit, &:c. 
Butler calls him Sir Pride, by Avay of sneer upon the man- 
ner of his being knighted, for Oliver Cromwell knighted 
him with a faggot-stick instead of a sword. 

lb. Hughson was a cobbler, went into the armj^ and was 
made a colonel ; knighted by Oliver Cromwell, and, to help 
to cobble the crazy state of the nation, was made one of 
Olrvcr's upper house. 



CANTO II. HUDIBRAS. 345 

When from a scoundrel liolder-fortli •''', 

The scnm, as well as son o' th' earth, 

Your mighty senators took laAv, 

At his command were forc'd t' Avithdraw, 

And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation 

To Doctrine, Use, and Application. 

So when the Scots, your constant cronies, 

The' espousers of your cause and monitis,^^ 

"Who had so often, in your aid, 

So many ways been soundly paid, 

Came in at last for better ends, 

To prove themselves your trusty friends ; 

You basely left them, and the Church 

They train'd you up to, in the lurch, 

And suffer'd your own tribe of Christians 

To fall before, as true Philistines. 

This shows what utensils y' have been, 

To bring the King's concernments in ; 

Which is so far from being true, 

That none but he can bring in you ; 

And if he take you into trust. 

Will find you most exactly just, 

Such as will punctually repay 

With double interest, and betray. 

(55; This was Mr. Christopher Love, a fiarioiis Presby- 
terian, who, when the King's commissioners met those of 
the Parliament at Uxbridge, in the year 1G44, to treat of 
peace, preached a sermon there, on the 30th of Janiiary, 
against the treaty ; and said, among other things, that ' no 
good was to be expected from it, for that they (ineaning the 
King's commissioners) came fr(jni Oxford with hearts ful] 
of blood.' 

(56) The expense the English rebels engaged the nation 
in, by bringing in their brother rebels fi-om S(!otland, 
amounted to an extravagant sum, tlieir receij)ts making in 
money and free-quarter, IjitiS.TeQi. 5a-. '6d. 



346 HUDIBIIAS. PAR' 

* Not tliat I think tliose pantomimes, 
"Who vary action with the times, 
Are less ingenious in their art, 
Than those wlio dnlly act one part ; 
Or those who turn from side to side, 
More guilty than the wind and tide. 
All countries are a wise man's home, 
And so are governments to some. 
Who change them for the same intrigues 
That statesmen use in breaking leagues ; 
While others in old faiths and troths 
Look odd, as out-of-fashion'd clothes, 
And nastier in an old opinion. 
Than those who never shift their linen. 

' For True and Faithful's sure to lose, 
Which way soever the game goes ; 
And, whether parties lose or win, 
Is always nick'd, or else hedg'd in : 
While pow'r usurp'd, like stol'n delight. 
Is more bewitching than the right. 
And, when the times begin to alter, 
None rise so high as from the halter. 

' And so we may, if we 'ave but sense 
To use the necessary means, 
And not your usual stratagems 
On one another, lights, and dreams : 
To stand on terms as positive, 
As if we did not take, but give ; 
Set up the Covenant on crutches, 
'Gainst those who have us in their clutches. 
And dream of pulling churches down, 
Before we're sure to prop our own ; 
Your constant method of proceeding. 
Without the carnal means of heeding, 



CANTO II. HUDIBr.AS. 347 

"Who, 'twixt your inward sense and outward, 
Are worse, tlian if y' had noiae, accoutred. 

' I grant all curses are in vain, 
Unless we can get in again ; 
The only way that's left us now. 
But all the difficulty's how. 
'Tis true we 'avc money, th' only pow'r 
That all mankind falls down before ; 
Money, that, like the swords of kings. 
Is the last reason of all things ; 
And therefore need not doubt our jjlay 
Has all advantages that way. 
As long as men have faith to sell, 
And meet with those that can pay well ; 
Whose half-starvVl pride, and avarice, 
One church and state will not suffice, 
To* expose to sale, beside the wages, 
Of storing plag^^es to after-ages. 
Nor is our money less our own 
Than 'twas before we laid it down ; 
For 'twill return, and turn to' account 
If we are brought in play upon't ; 
Or but, by casting knaves, get in, 
"What pow'r can hinder us to win ? 
We know the arts we us'd before, 
In peace and war, and something more, 
And by the' unfortunate events 
Can mend our next experiments ; 
For when we're taken into 1rust, 
How easy are the wisest choust ; 
Who see but the' outsides of our feats. 
And not their secret springs and weights, 
And, while they're busy at their ease, 
Can carry what designs we please ? 



£48 HUDIBIIAS. PAE,T III. 

How easy is't to serve for agents 
To prosecute our old engagements ? 
To keep the good old Cause on foot, 
And present power from taking root ; 
Inflame them both, with false alarms 
Of plots and parties taking arms ; 
To keep the nation's wounds too wide 
From healing up from side to side ; 
Profess the passionat'st concerns, 
For both their interests by turns, 
The only way to' improve our own. 
By dealing faithfully with none ; 
(As bowls run true, by being made 
On purpose false, and to be sway'd) 
For if we should be true to either, 
'Twould turn us out of both together ; 
And therefore have no other means 
To stand upon our own defence, 
But keeping up our ancient party 
In vigour, confident and hearty : 
To reconcile our late Dissenters, 
Our Brethren, though by other venters ; 
Unite them, and tlieir different maggots, 
As long and short sticks are in faggots, 
And make them join again as close. 
As when they first began to' espouse ; 
Erect them into separate 
New Jewish tribes in Church and State ; 
To join in marriage ajid commerce. 
And only' among themselves converse, 
And all that are not of their mind, 
Make enemies to all mankind : 
Take all religions in, and stickle 
From Conclave down to Conventicle ; 



CANTO II. nUDIBRAS. 3i9 

Agreeing still, or disagreeing, 
According to the Light in being. 
Sometimes for liberty of conscience, 
And spiritual misrule in one sense ; 
But iu another quite contrary, 
As Dispensations chance to vary ; 
And stand for, as the times will bear it, 
All contradictions of the Spirit : 
Protect their emissaries, inipowei'M 
To preach Sedition and the Wunl ; 
And, when they're hamper'd by the laws, 
Kelease the labourers fur the (_'ause, 
And turn the j)ersecution back 
On those that made the iirst attack ; 
To keep them equally in awe 
From breaking, or maintaining law : 
And when they have their fits too soon, 
]5et'ore the full-tides of the moon, 
Put olf their zeal to' a fitter season, 
Y')i- sowing faction in and treason ; 
And keeji them hooded, and their Churches, 
Like hawks, from baiting on their i)erches ; 
That when the blessed time shall come 
()( (piiiting Babylon and Rome, 
They luay he ready to restore 
Their own Fifth monarchy once more. 
' Meanwhile be better arni'd to fence 
Agninst revolts of Providence, 
jjy watching narrowly and snapping 
All blind sides of it, as they happen : 
For if success could make us Saints, 
Our ruin turn'd us miscreants ; ^' 

(57) The author of the 'Fourth Part of the History of 
Independeuc-y,' compares the governors of those tiaita 



350 HUDIBRAS. PAET III. 

A scandal that would fall too hard 
Upon a few, and unprepar'd. 

' These are the courses we must run, 
Spite of our hearts, or be undone, 
And not to stand on terms and freaks, 
Before we have secured our necks. 

' But do our work as out of sight, 
As stars by day, and suns by night ; 
All licence of the people own. 
In opposition to tlie Crown ; 
And for the CroAvn as Hei'cely side, 
The head and body to divide. 
The end of all we first design'd, 
And all that yet remains behind ; 
Be sure to spare no public ra])ine, 
On all emergencies that hap[)en ; 
For 'tis as easy to supplant 
Authorit}^ as men in want ; 
As some of us, in trusts, have made 
The one hand with the other trade ; 
Gain'd vastly by their joint endeavour, 
The right a thief, the left receiver ; 
And what the one, by tricks, forestall'J, 
The other, by as sly, retail'd. 
For gain has wonderful effects, 
To' improve the factory of sects : 
The rule of faith in all professions, 
And great Diana of the' Ephesians ; 
Whence turning of religion's made 
The means to turn and wind a trade ; 

with the Turks, who ascribe the gnodupss of their cause to 
the keenness of their sword, denyiii.LC that anythin.'j; may 
properly be called ne/as, if it cau but win the epithet ui 
prospcrwni. 



CANTO ir. HUDIDIIAS. 351 

And though some change it for the worse, 

They put themselves into a course, 

And draAV in store of customers, 

To thrive the better in commerce ; 

For all religions flock together, 

Like tame and Avild fowl of a feather ; 

To nab the itches of their sects, 

As jades do one another's necks. 

Hence 'tis hypocrisy as well 

Will serve to' improve a Church, as zeal ; 

As persecution, or promotion, 

Do equall}'^ advance devotion. 

' Let business, like ill Avatchcs, go 
Sometime too fast, sometime too slow ; 
For things in order are put out 
So easy, ease itself will do't : 
But when the feat's design'd and meant, 
What miracle can bar the' event ? 
For 'tis more easy to betray, 
Than ruin any other way. 

' All possible occasions start, 
The weightiest matters to divert ; 
Obstruct, perplex, distract, intangle, 
And lay perpetual trains to wrangle ; 
But in aftairs of less import. 
That neither do us good nor hurt, 
And they receive as little by. 
Out-fawn as much, and out-comply ; 
And seem as scrupulously just. 
To bait our hooks for greater trust. 
But still be careful to cry down 
All public actions, though our own ; 
The least miscairiage aggravate. 
And charge it all upon the State ; 



S52 TIUDIBRAS. PART 

Express tlie liorrid'st detestation, 

And pity the distracted uatiuu ; 

IV'll stories scandalous and lUlso, 

r th' proper language of cabals, 

"Where all a subtle statesnia.n says, 

Is half in words, and half in face ; 

(As Spaniards talk in dialogues 

Of heads and shoulders, noils and shrugs) 

Intrust it under solemn vows 

Of Mum, and Silence, and the Rose, 

To be retail'd again in whispers, 

For the' easy credulous to disperse. ' 

Thus far the Statesman — When a shout, 
Heard at a distance, put him out ; 
And straiglit another, all agliast, 
Ensli'd in with equal fear and liastc, 
Who star'd about, as pale as death, 
And, for a while, as out of breath ; 
Till having gather'd up his wits. 
He thus began his tale by fits : — ^^ 

'That beastly rabble ^^ — that came down 
From all the garrets — in the Town, 
And stalls, and shop-boards — in vast swarms, 
With new-chalk'd bills, and rusty arms. 
To cry the Cause— up, heretofore. 
And bawl the Bishops — out of door, 
Are new drawn up - in greater shoals, 
To roast — and l>roil us on the coals, 



(5.8) "We Icani from Lilly, that the messenger who brought 
this terrLfying intelligence to this cabal was Sir Martvn 
Noell. 

(59) This is an acnrate description of the mob's bnrning 
rumps upon the .-Khuission of the secluded members, in 
contempt of the Rump Parliament. 



CANTO ir. HUDIBRAS. 853 

And all the Grandees — of onr memlsers 

Are carbonading — on the embers ; 

Knights, citizens, and burgesses — 

Held forth by nunps — of pigs and geese, 

That serve for characters — and badges 

To represent their personages ; 

Each bonfire is a funeral pile, 

In which they roast, and scorch, and broil, 

And every representative 

Have vow'd to roast — and broil alive : 

And 'tis a miracle Ave are not 

Already sacrific'd incarnate ; 

For while we wrangle here, and jar, 

We'i'e gi-illied all at Temple-bar ; 

Some, on the signpost of an ale-house, 

Hang in effigy, on the gallows, 

Made up of rags, to personate 

Kespective officers of state ; 

That, henceforth, they may stand reputed, 

Proscrib'd in law, and executed. 

And, while the Work is carrying on. 

Be ready listed under Dun. ^^ 

That worthy patriot, once the bellows. 

And tinder-box, of all his fellows ; 

The activ'st member of the five. 

As well as the most primitive ; 

Who, for his faithful service then. 

Is chosen for a fifth again ; 6i 

(60) Dun was the i)ublic executioner at that time, aiid 
the executioners long after tliat went by the same name. 

(61) Sir Artliur Hazlerig, one of the five members of the 
House of Commons, was impeached 1641-2 : was governumf 
N".vcas!,]e-u;>nn-Tyni.', liad the Bis]ioi> of Durham's hon.so, 
V'lrk, and manor of Ankland, and G,5i)0L in m(>n:'y aiven 
him He died in tlic Tower of London, Jan. 8, 1661. " 

Z 



354 IIUDIBRAS., PAKT III. 

(For since the State has made a quint • 

Of Generals, *^^ he's listed in't) 

This worthy, as the world will say, 

Is paid in specie, his own way ; 

For moulded to the life, in clouts 

Th' have pick'd from dunghills hereabouts, 

He's mounted on a hazel bavin ^'^ 

A cropp'd malignant baker gave 'em ; 

And to the largest bonfire riding, 

They 'ave roasted Cook ^ already', and Pride in ; 

On whom, in equipage and state, 

His scarecrow fellow-members wait, 

And march in order, two and two, 

As at Thanksgivings th' us'd to do, 

Each in a tatter'd talisman, 

Like vermin in effigy slain. 

' But (what's more dreadful than the rest) 
Those rumps arc but the tail o' th' Beast, 
Set up by Popish engineers. 
As by the crackers plainly' appeal's ; 
For none, Init Jesuits, have a mission 
To preach the faith with ammunition, 

(62) The Rump, growingjealous of General Monk, ordered 
tliat the generalship should be vested in fiveconmiissioiici'S, 
Monk, Haiilerig, Walton, Morley, and Alured, making three 
a quorum, but denying a motion that Monk should be of 
th it quorum ; but their authority not being then much 
regarded, this order was not obeyed, and Monk continued 
sole general notwithstanding. 

(63) Bavin is a faggot. 

(64) Cook acted as solicitor in the King's trial, and drew 
iiji a charge of liigh treason against him, and had drawn up 
a formal plea also, in case the king had submitted to the 
jiuisdiction of the Court. At his own trial he jileaded, that 
what he did was as a lawyer for his fee : but he sulfcred at 
Tyburn as a Regicide. 



CANTO IT, nUPTBr.AS. 35/' 

And pro])agate the Clmrcli witli powder ; 
Their founder was a blown-up soldier. 
These sp'ritual pioneers o' th' Whore's, 
Tliat have the charge of all her stores, 
Since first they fail'd in their designs. 
To take in heav'n by springing mines, 
And with unanswerable barrels 
Of gunpowder dispute their quarrels, 
Now take a course more practicable, 
By laying trains to fire the rabble. 
And blow us up, in th' open streets, 
Disguis'd in rumps, like sambenites,''^ 
More like to ruin and confound, 
Than all their doctrines under ground. 
* Nor have they chosen rumps amiss, 
For symbols of State-mysteries, 
Though some suppose 'twas but to shew 
How much they scorn'd the Saints, the few, 
"Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps. 
Are represented best by rumps. 
But Jesuits have deeper reaches 
In all their politic far-fetches. 
And from the Coptic priest Kircherus,66 
Found out this mystic way to jeer us : 
For as the' Egyptians us'd by bees 
To' express their antique Ptolouiies, 
And by their stings, the swords they wore. 
Held forth authority and pow'r ; 



(65) Sambenite is a coat of coarse cloth, which penitents 
wefir among the Romanists, and those condemned bj^ the 
Spanisli Inquisition when tliey go to execution. 

(66) Athanasius Kircher, a Jesuit, wi'ote large! j' ou the 
Egyptian uiystical learning. 

z2 



r56 IIUDIBEAS. PAEl 

Because these subtle animals 
Boar all their interests in their tails, 
But when they're once inipair'd in that, 
i\re banish'd their well-orderM state, 
They thought all governments were best 
By hieroglyphic rumps exprest. 

* For as, in bodies natural, 
The rump's the fundament of all, 
So in a commonwealth, or realm. 
The Government is call'd the Helm, 
With which, like vessels under sail, 
They're turn'd and winded }»y the tail ; 
The tail, which biixls and fishes steer 
Thcii- courses with through sea and air, 
To whom the rudder of the rump, is 
The same tliirig with the stern and compass. 
This shows how perfectly the rump 
And commonwealth in Nature jump : 
For as a fly that goes to bed. 
Bests with his tail above his h.ejul ; 
80, in this mongrel state of oui's, 
The rabble are the supreme powers, 
That hors'd us on their backs, to show us 
A ja<lish trick at last, and throw us. 

' The learned Baltbins of the Jews 
Write, there's a bone, which they call Luez, 
r th' rump of man, of such a virtue, 
No force in nature can d(j hurt to ; 
And therefore, at the last great day, 
All the' other membei's shall, they say, 
Spring out of this, as from a sce<l 
All sorts of vegetals proceed ; 
From whence the learned sons of Art, 
Os tacriim justly style that part : 



CANTO ir. ■ HUDir.RAS. 357 

Then what can better represent, 
Than this rump bone, the Parliament, 
That, after several rude ejections, 
And as prodigious resurrections, 
"With new reversions of nine lives. 
Starts up, and, like a cat, revives ? 

'But now, alas ! they're all expir'd. 
And th' House, as well as members, fir'd ; 
Consum'd in kennels by the rout. 
With which they other fires put out ; 
Condemu'd to' ungoverning distress, 
And paltry, private wretchedness ; 
"Worse than the devil to privation, 
Beyond all hopes of restoration ; 
And parted, like the body' and soul, 
From all dominion and control. 

* We who could lately, with a look. 
Enact, establish, or revoke ; 
Wliose arbitrary nods gave law, 
And frowns kept multitudes in awe ; 
Before the bluster of whose huff. 
All hats, as in a storm, flew off ; 
Ador'd and bow'd to by the great, 
Down to the footman and valet ; 
Had more bent knees than chapel-mats, 
And prayers, than the crowns of hats, 
Shall now be scorn 'd as wretchedly ; 
For ruin's just as low as high ; 
Which might be suffer'd were it all 
The horror that attends our fall : 
For some of us have scores more large 
Than heads and quarters can discharge ; 
And others, who, by restless scraping. 
With public frauds, and private rapine, 



358 IIUDIDIIAS. TART III. 

Have mighty heaps of wealth ainassM, 
Would gladly lay down all at last ; 
And, to be but undone, entail 
Their vessels on perpetual gaol, "7 
And bless the devils to let thein farms 
Of forfeit soul, on no Avorse terms. ' 

This said, a near and louder shoiit 
Put all the' assembly to the rout,**;* 
"Who now began to' outrun their fear, 
As horses do, from those they bear ! 
But crowded on with so much haste, 
Until they 'ad block'd the passage fast, 

(67) This the Regicides, in general, would have done 
gladly, but the ringleaders of them were executed in ter- 
rorem. Those that came in upon proclamation werebrouglit 
to the bar of the House of Lords, 2oth Nov. 16(51, to answer 
what they could say for themselves why judgment should 
not be executed against them ? They severally alleged, 
' That, upon His Majesty's gracious Declaration from Breda, 
and the votes of the Parliament, &c., they did surrender 
themselves, being advised that they should thereby secure 
their lives ; and humbly craved the bcnetit of the proclama- 
tinn,' (fee. And Harry Martyn briskly added, ' That he had 
never obeyed any proclamation before this, and hoped he 
should not be hanged for taking the King's word now.' A 
bill was brought in for tlieir execution, which was read 
twice, but afterwards di'oi)t : so they were all sent to their 
several prisons, and little more heard of. Ludlow, and some 
others, escaped by flying among the Swiss Cantons. 

((iS) When Sir Martyn came to this cabal, he left the 
rabble at Temi)le Bar ; but, by the time he liad concluded 
his discourse, they were advanced near Whitehall and West- 
minster. This alarmed our caballers, and perhaps terrified 
tlKMii with the apprehension of being hanged or burned in 
reality, as some of tliem that very instant were in ettigy. 
No wonder, therefore, Ihej' broke up so precipitately, and 
that each endeavoured to secure himself. The manner of 
it is described with a poetical licence, only to embellish this 
Canto with a diverting catastrophe. 



CANTO II, UUDIBRAS. 359 

And barricadoed it with haunches 

Of outward men, and bulks, and paunches, 

That with their shoulders strove to squeeze. 

And rather save a crippled piece 

Of all their crush'd and broken members 

Then have them grillied on the embers ; 

Still pressing on with heavj' packs 

Of one another on their backs, 

The vanguard could no longer bear 

The charges of the forlorn rear, 

But borne down headlong by the rout, 

Were trampled sorely under foot ; 

Yet nothing prov'd so formidable 

As the' horrid cookery of the rabble ; 

And fear, that keeps all feeling oi;t, 

As lesser pains are by the gout, 

Reliev'd 'cm with a fresh su]»ply 

Of rallied force, enough to ily. 

And beat a Tuscan running-horse, 

"Whose jockey-rider is all spurs. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART III. CANTO III. 




Mwma 



THE ARGUMENT. 

The Knight and Squire's prodigious flight 
To quit the' enchanted bow'r by night. 
He plods to turn his amorous suit, 
To' a plea in law, and prosecute : 
Repairs to counsel, to advise 
'Bout managing the enterprise ; 
But first resolves to try by letter. 
And one more fair address, to get her. 



HUDIBEAS. 



PART III. CANTO III.l 

"Who would believe what strange bugbears 

Mankind creates itself, of fears, 

That spring, like fern, that insect weed, 

Equivocally, v/ithout seed, 

And have no possible foundation, 

But merely in the' imagination ? 

And yet can do more dreadful feats 

Than hags, with all their imps and teats ; 

Make more bewitch and haunt themselves. 

Than all their nurseries of elves. 

For fear docs things so like a witch, 

'Tis hard to' unriddle which is which : 

Sets up communities of senses. 

To chop and change intelligences ; 

As Ivosicrucian virtuosis 

Can see with ears, and hear with noses ; 

(1) Our Poet now resumes his principal subject : and the 
reason why he is so full in the recapittilation of the last 
adventure of our Knight and Squire is, because we hnd 
lost sight of our heroes for the space of tlie longest Canto 
in the whole Poem : this respite might probably occasion 
forgetfulness in some readers, whose attention had been so 
long suspended : it was therefore necessary that a repetiti<m 
should be made of the dark adventure, and that it should 
be made clear and intelligible to the reader ; Mho is now 
arnved at the third day since the opening of the poem. 



3G4 IIUDIBRAS. Tj 

And, when tliey neither see nor hear, 
Have more than both supplied by fear, 
Tliat makes 'em in the dark see visions, 
And hag themselves with apparitions, 
And, when their eyes discover least, 
Discern the subtlest objects best ; 
Do things not contrary, alone, 
To the' course of Nature, but its own, 
The courage of the bravest daunt, 
And turn poltroons as valiant : 
For men as resolute appear 
With too much, as too little fear ; 
And, when they're out of hopes of flying, 
Will run away from death by dying ; 
Or turn again to stand it out, 
And those they fled, like lions rout. 

This Hudibras had prov'd too true, 
"Who, by the Furies, left perdue, 
And haunted with detachments, sent 
From Marshal Legion's regiment, 2 
Was by a fiend, as counterfeit, 
Keliev'd and rescued with a cheat, 
When nothing but himself, and fear, 
Was both the imps and conjurer ; 
As, by the rules 0' th' virtuosi, 
It follows in due form of poesie. 

l)isguis'd in all the masks of night. 
We left our champion on his flight, 
At blindman's buff, to grope his way. 
In equal fear of night and day ; 



(•2) Alluding to Stephen Marshal's bellowing out treason 
from the pulpit, in order to recruit the aruiy of the Rebels. 
He was called tlie Geneva Bull. 



CANTO III. IIUDIBUAS. 365 

Who took his dark and desperate course, 

He knew no better than his horse ; 

And by an unknown devil led, 

(He knew as little whither) fled. 

He never was in greater need, 

Nor less capacity of speed ; 

Disabhid, both in man and beast, 

To fly and run away, his best ; 

To keep the enemy, and fear, 

From equal falling on his rear. 

And though with kicks and bangs he plied 

The further and the nearer side ; 

(As seamen ride with all their force, 

And tug as if they row'd the horse. 

And, when the hackney sails more swift, 

Believe they lag, or run a-drift) 

So, though he posted e'er so fast, 

His fear was greater than his liaste : 

For fear, though fleeter than the wind. 

Believes 'tis always left behind. 

But when the morn began to' appear. 

And shift to' another scene his fear, 

He found his new officious shade, 

That came so timely to his aid. 

And forc'd him from the foe to' escape, 

Had turn'd itself to Ralpho's shape. 

So like in person, garb, and pitch, 

'Twas hard to' interpret which was which. 

For Ealpho had no sooner told 
The Lady all he had to' unfold, 
But she convey'd him out of sight, 
To' entertain the' approaching Knight ; 
And while he gave himself diversion. 
To' accommodate his beast and person. 



366 IIUDIBRAS. PART 11 

And put his beard into a posture 

At bust advantage to accost her ; 

She order'd th' antiniasquerade 

(For his reception) aforesaid : 

But when the ceremony was done, 

The lights put out, the Furies gone, 

And Hudibras, among the rest, 

Convey 'd away, as Ralpho guess' d ; 

The wretched caititl", all alone, 

(As he believ'd) began to moan, 

And tell his story to himself. 

The Knight mistook him for an elf ; 

And did so still, till he began 

To scruple at Ralph's outward man, 

And thought, because they oft agreed 

To' appear in one another's stead, 

And act the saint's and devil's part, 

"With undistinguishable art, 

They may have done so now, perhaps, 

And put on one another's shapes ; 

And therefore, to resolve the doubt, 

He star'd upon him, and cry'd out, 

* What art ? My Squire, or that bold sprite 

That took his place and shape to-night ? 

Some busy Independent pug, 

Retainer to his synagogue ? ' — 

' Alas ! ' quoth he, ' I'm none of those' 

Your bosom friends, as you suppose. 

But Ralj)h himself, your trusty Squire, 

"Who 'as dragg'd your Dunship out o' th' mire, 

And from the' inchantments of a Widow, 

W^ho 'ad turn'd you int' a beast, have freed you 

And, though a prisoner of war. 

Have brought you safe, where now you are ; 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 367 

"Which you Avould gratefully repay, 

Your coustaut Presbyteriau Avay ? 

' That's stranger, ' quoth the Knight, ' and stranger, 

"Who gave thee notice of my danger? ' 

Quoth he, ' The' infernal conjurer 
Pursued, and took me prisoner ; 
And, knowing you were hereabout, 
Brought me along, to find you out. 
Where I, in hugger-mugger hid, 
Have noted all they said or did ; 
And, though they lay to him the pageant, 
I did not see him, nor his agent ; 
Who play'd their sorceries out of sight, 
To' avoid a fiercer second fight.' 
' But didst thou see no devils then ? ' 

* JSTo one,' quoth he, * but carnal men, 
A little worse than fiends in hell. 

And that she-devil Jezebel, ■» 

That laugh 'd and tee-hee'd, with derision, 
To see them take your deposition. ' 

' What then,' quoth Iludibras, ' was he 
That play'd the dev'l to' examine me ? ' 

* A rallying weaver in the town. 
That did it in a parson's gown ; 
Whom all the parish takes for gifted. 
But, for my part, I ne'er believ'd it : 
In which you told them all your feats 
Your conscientious frauds and cheats ; 
Denied your whipping, and confess'd 
The naked truth of all the rest. 
More plainly than the reverend writer 
That to our Churches veil'd his mitre ; 3 

(3) ThovTgh tliere were more than one in those times that 
tliis character would have suited, yet it is probable that 



368 TIUDIBIIAS. TAUT 

All which they take in black and white, 
And cuilgell'J me to undenvrite.' 

' What made thee, when they were all gone, 
And none but thou and I alone, 
To act the devil, and forbear 
To rid me of my hellish fear ? ' 

Quoth he, ' I knew your constant rate, 
And frame of sp'rit too obstinate, 
To be by me prevail'd upon; 
With any motives of my own ; 
And therefore strove to counterfeit 
The devil a while, to nick your wit ; 
The devil, that is your constant crony, 
That only can prevail upon ye ; 
Else we might still have been disputing. 
And they with weighty drubs confuting.' 

The Knight, Avho now began to find 
They 'ad left tlie enemy behind. 
And saw no farther harm remain 
But feeble weariness and pain, 
Perceiv'd, by losing of their way. 
They 'ad gain'd the' advantage of the day, 
And, by declining of the road, 
They had, .by chance, their rear made good ; 
He ventur'd to dismiss his fear. 
That partings wont to rant and tear, 
And give the desperat'st attack 
To danger still behind its back : 



Mr. Geortje Graham, Bisliop of Orkney, is sneercn at in this 
plncc by Mr Buth'r ; tor ho abjured Episcoiiacy, iuul sigtied 
the abjuration with his own hand, at Breclcness, in Htroiios, 
Feb. 11, 1630. To this rcniarl<able incident Bislioi) Hall 
alludes in his Fpi'ctle Dcdicatdry jirelixed to his ' Ejiibco- 
liicy by DiViuc Right,' &e. 1040. 



:!ANTO in. IIUDIBRAS, 3G9 

For having pans'd to recollect 

And on his past success reflect, 

To' examine and consider why, 

And whence, and how, he came to fly, 

And when no devil had appear'd. 

What else it could be said he fear'J, 

It put him in so fierce a rage. 

He once resolv'd to re-engage ; 

Toss'd, like a foot-ball, back again 

AVith shame, and vengeance, and disdain. 

Quoth he, ' It was thy cowardice 
That made me from this leaguer rise. 
And when I 'ad half-reduc'd the ])lace, 
To quit it infamously base : 
Was better cover'd by the new 
Arriv'd detachment, than I knew ; 
To slight my new acquests, and run, 
Victoriously, from battles won ; 
And, reckoning all I gain'd or lost, 
To sell them cheaper than they cost ; 
To make me put myself to flight, 
And, conquering, run away by night ; 
To drag me out, which th' haughty foe 
Durst never have presum'd to do : 
To mount me in the dark by force. 
Upon the liare ridge of my hoi'se, 
Expos'd in querpo to their rage, 
Without my arms and equipnge ; 
Lest, if they ventur'd to pursue, 
I might the' unequal fight renew ; 
And, to preserve thy outward man, 
Assum'd my place, and led the van.' 

'All this,' quoth Ralph, ' I did, 'tis tnie, 
Not to preserve mysidf, but you : 



370 HUDIBRAS. PAKT III. 

You, who were daniu'd to baser drubs 

Thau wretches feel in powdering tubs, 

To mouut two-whcel'd caroches, worse 

Thau mauagiug a woodeu horse ; 

Dragg'd out through straiter holes by the' ears, 

Eras'd, or coup'd for perjuries ; 

Who, though the' attempt had prov'd it vain, 

Had had no reason to complain ; 

But, since it prosper'd, 'tis unliandsome 

To blame the hand that paid your ransom, 

And rescued your obnoxious bones 

From unavoida})le batons. 

Tlie enemy was reinforc'd. 

And we disabled and unhovs'd, 

Disarm'd, unqualified for fight. 

And no way left but hasty flight ; 

Which, though as desperate in the' attempt, 

Has giv'n you freedom to condemn't. 

' But were our bones in fit condition 
To reinforce the ex])edition, 
'Tis now uns.^asonable and vain, 
To think of falling on again : 
No martial project to surprise 
Can" ever be attempted twice ; 
Nor cast design serve afterwards, 
As gamesters tear their losing-cards. 
Beside, our bangs of man and beast 
Are fit for notliing now but rest ; 
And for a wliile will not be able 
To rally, and prove serviceable : 
And therefoi-e I, with reason, chose 
This stratagem to' amuse our foes 
To make an lion'ralile retreat. 
And wave a total sure defeat : 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 

For those that fly may fight again, 
Which he can never do that's slain. 
Hence timely running's no mean part 
Of conduct, in the martial art, 
By which some glorious feats achieve, 
As citizens, by breaking, thrive ; 
And cannons conquer armies, while 
They seem to draw off and recoil ; 
Is held the gallant'st course, and bravest, 
To great exploits, as well as safest ; 
That spares the' expense of time and pains, 
And dangerous beating out of brains ; 
And, in the end, prevails as certain 
As those that never trust to Fortune ; 
But make their fear do execution 
Beyond the stoutest resolution ; 
As earthquakes kill without a IjIow, 
And, only trembling, overthrow. 
If the' ancients crown'd their bravest men 
That only sav'd a citizen. 
What victory could e'er be won. 
If every one would save but one ? 
Or fight endanger'd to be lost. 
Where all resolve to save the most ? 
By this means, when a battle's won, 
The war's as far from being done ; 
For those that save themselves, and fly. 
Go halves, at least, i' the' victory ; 
And sometime, when the loss is small, 
And danger gi'eat, they challenge all ; 
Print new additions to their feats, 
And emendations in Ga,zettes ; 
And when, for furious haste to run, 
They durst not stay to fire a gun, 
A A 



372 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

Have doiie't witli bonfires, and at home 

Made squibs and crackers overcome : 

To set the rabble on a flame, 

And keej) their governors from blame, 

Disperse the news the pulpit tells, 

Confirm'd with fireworks and with bells ; 

And though reduc'd to that extreme. 

They have been forc'd to sing Te Dcum; 

Yet, with religious blasphemy. 

By flattering Heaven with a lie, 

And, for their beating, giving thanks. 

They 'ave rais'd recruits, and fiU'd their banks ; 

For those who run from the' enemy. 

Engage them equally to fly ; 

And when the fight becomes a chase, 

Those win the day that win the race : 

And that which would not pass in fights, 

Has done the feat with easy flights ; 

Eocover'd many a desp'rate campaign 

With Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign ; 

Eestor'd the fainting high and mighty 

With brandy-wine and aqua-vitre ; 

And made 'em stoutly overcome 

With Bacrack, Hoccamore, and Mum ; 

Whom the' uncontroll'd decrees of Fate 

To victory necessitate ; 

With which, although they run or burn, 

They unavoidably return ; 

Or else their sultan populaces 

Still strangle- all their routed Bassa's. ' 

Quoth Hudibras, ' I understand 
What fights thou mean'st at sea and land, 
And who those were that run away, 
And yet gave out th' had won the day ; 



CANTO III. nUDIBRAS. 373 

AlthoTigli the rabble sons'd tlicni for't, 
O'er head and ears, in mud and dirt. 
'Tis true our modern way of war 
Is grown more politic by far, 
But not so resolute and bold, 
Nor tied to honour, as the old. 
For now they laugh at giving battle, 
Unless it be to herds of cattle ; 
Or fighting convoys of provision. 
The whole design o' the expedition, 
And not with downright blows to rout 
The enemy, but eat them out : 
As fighting, in all beasts of prey. 
And eating, are perforra'd one way, 
To give defiance to their teeth. 
And fight their stubborn guts to death ; 
And those achieve the high'st renown, 
That bring the other stomachs down. 
There's now no fear of wounds nor maiming, 
All dangers are reduc'd to famine, 
And feats of arms to plot, design. 
Surprise, and stratagem, and mine ; 
But have no need nor use of courage, 
Unless it be for glory' or forage : 
For if they fight 'tis but by chance. 
When one side venturing to advance, 
And come uncivilly too near, 
Are charg'd unmercifully' i' th' rear, 
And forc'd, with terrible resistance, 
To keep hereafter at a distance. 
To pick out ground to' incamp upon, 
Where store of largest rivers run, 
That serve, instead of peaceful barriers, 
To part the' engagements of their warriors ; 
A a2 



374 HUDIBRAS. PART III. 

Where botli from side to side may skip, 
And only' encounter at bo-peep : 
For men are found the stouter-hearted, 
The certainer they're to be parted, 
And therefore post themselves in bogs, 
As the' ancient mice attack'd the frogs, 
And made their mortal enemy, 
The water-rat, their strict ally.'* 
For 'tis not now who's stout and bohi ? 
But who bears hunger best, and cold ? 
And he's approv'd the most deserving, 
Who longest can hold out at starving ; 
And he that routs most pigs and cows, 
The formidablest man of })rowess. 
So the' Emperor Caligula, 
Tliat triumph'd o'er tlie British sea, 
Took crabs and oysters prisoners, 
And lobsters, 'stead of cuirasiers ; 
Engag'd his legions in fierce bustles, 
With periwinkles, prawns, and mussels, 
And led his troops with furious gallops, 
To charge whole regiments of scallops ; 
Not like their ancient way of war. 
To wait on his triumphal car ; 
But when he went to dine or sup, 
More bravely ate liis captives up, 
And left all war, by his example, 
Reduc'd to vict'ling of a camp well.' 

Quoth Ralph, * By all that you have said, 
And twice as much that I could add, 
'Tis plain you cannot now do worse 
Than take this out-of-fashion'd course ; 

(4) Moaning the Dutch, who seemed to favour the Par- 
liamentarians. 



CANTO IIT. IIUDIBRAS. 375 

To hope, by stratagem, to woo her, 

Or waging battle to subdue her ; 

Though some have done it in romances, 

And bang'd them into amorous fancies ; 

As those who won the Amazons, 

By wanton drubbing of their bones ; 

And stout Rinaldo gained his bride 

By courting of her back and side. 

But since those times and feats are over. 

They are not for a modern lover, 

When mistresses are too cross-grain'd, 

By such addresses to be gain'd ; 

And if they were, would liave it out 

With many another kind of bout. 

Therefore I hold no course so' infeasible, 

As this of force, to win the Jezebel ; 

To storm her heart, by the' antique charms 

Of ladies errant, force of arms ; 

But rather strive by law to win her, 

And try the title you have in her. 

Your case is clear, you have her word, 

And me to witness the accord ; 

Besides two more of her retinue 

To testify what pass'd between you ; 

More probable, and like to hold. 

Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold, 

For which so many, that renounc'd 

Their plighted contracts, have been trounc'd, 

And bills upon record been found. 

That forc'd the ladies to compound ; 

And that, unless I miss the matter, 

Is all the business you look after. 

Besides, encounters at the bar 

Are braver now than those in war. 



876 HUDIBEAS. PART III. 

In wliich the law does execution, 
With less disorder and confusion ; 
Has more of lionour iii't, some hold, 
Not like the new way, but the old, 
\A^hen those the pen had drawn together. 
Decided quarrels with the feather ; 
And winged arrows kill'd as dead, 
And more than bullets now of lead : 
So all their combats now, as then. 
Are manag'd chiefly by the pen ; 
That does the feat, with braver vigours. 
In words at length, as well as figures ; 
Is judge of all the world performs 
In voluntary feats of arms. 
And whatsoe'er's achiev'd in fight, 
Determines which is wrong or right : 
For whether you prevail, or lose, 
All must be tried there in the close ; 
And therefore 'tis not wise to shun 
What you must trust to ere yc've done. 

'The law, that settles all you do. 
And marries where you did but woo ; 
That makes the most perfidious lover, 
A lady, that's as false, recover ; 
And if it judge upon your side, 
Will soon extend her for your bride, 
And put her person, goods, or lands, 
Or wliich you like best, iut' your hands. 

* For law's the wisdom of all ages. 
And manag'd by the ablest sag(>s, 
Who, though their business at the bar 
Be but a kind of civil war, 
In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons 
Than e'er the Grecians did, and Trojans, 



CANTO III. HUDIBRAS. 377 

They never manage the contest 

To' impair their public interest, 

Or by their controversies lessen 

The dignity of their profession : 

Not like us Brethren, who divide 

Our Common-wealth, the Cause, and side ; 

And though we're all as near of kindred 

As the' outward man is to the inward, 

We' agree in nothing, but to wrangle 

About the slightest iingle-fangle ; 

While lawyers have more sober sense, 

Than to' argue at their own expense, 

To make the best advantages 

Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss ; 

And out of foreign controversies, 

By aiding both sides, fill their purses ; 

But have no interest in the cause 

For which th' engage, and wage the laws ; 

Nor further prospect than their pay, 

Whether they lose or w^in the day. 

And though th' abounded in all ages. 

With sundry learned clerks and sages ; 

Though all their business be dispute, 

Which way they canvass every suit. 

They 'ave no disputes about their art, 

Nor in polemics controvert, 

While all professions else are found 

With nothing but disputes to' abound : 

Divines of all sorts, and physicians, 

Philosophers, mathematicians ; 

The Galenist and Paracelsian,^ 

Condemn the way each other deals in ; 

(5) Galen was born in the year 130, and lived to the year 
200. Paracelsus was born the latter end of the 15th, and 
lived almost to the middle of the 16th centuiy. ^. 



378 HUDIBRAS. PART I 

Anatomists dissect and mangle, 

To cut themselves oiit work to wrangle ; 

Astrologers dispute their dreams, 

That in their sleeps they talk of schemes ; 

And heralds stickle who got who, 

So many hundred years ago. 

' But lawyers are too wise a nation 
To' expose their trade to disputation. 
Or make the busy rabble judges 
Of all their secret piques and grudges ; 
In which, whoever wins the day, 
The whole profession's sure to pay. 
Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats, 
Dare undertake to do their feats. 
When in all other sciences 
They swarm like insects, and increase. 

' For what bigot durst ever draw, 
By inward Light, a deed in law ? 
Or could hold forth, by revelation, 
An answer to a Declaration ? 
For those that meddle with their tools, 
Will cut their fingers, if they're fools : 
And if you follow their advice, 
In bills, and answers, and replies, 
Tliey'll Avrite a love-letter in Chancery, 
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye, 
And soon reduce her to b' your wife. 
Or make her weary of her life.' 

The Knight, who us'd with tricks and shifts 
To edify by Kalpho's Gifts, 
But in appearance cry'd him down. 
To make them better seem his own, 
(All plagiaries' constant coui'se 
Of sinking, when they take a purse) 



CANTO III, IIUDIBRAS. 379 

Resolv'd to follow liis advice, 
But kept it from him by disguise ; 
And, after stubborn contradiction, 
To counterfeit liis own conviction, 
And, by transition, fall upon 
The resolution as his own. 

Quoth he, ' This gambol thou advisest 
Is, of all others, the unwisest ; 
For, if I think by law to gain her. 
There's nothing sillier nor vainer. 
'Tis but to hazard my pretence, 
Where nothing's certain but the' expense ; 
To act against myself, and traverse 
My suit and title to her favours ; 
And if she should, which Heav'n forbid, 
O'erthrow me, as the Fiddler did, 
What after-course have 1 to take, 
'Gainst losing all I have at stake ? 
He that with injury is griev'd. 
And goes to law to be reliev'd. 
Is sillier than a sottish chouse, 
Who, when a thief has robb'd his house, 
Applies himself to cunning men, 
To help him to his goods again ; 
When all he can expect to gain, 
Is but to squander more in vain : 
And yet 1 have no other way. 
But is as difficult, to play ; 
For to reduce her, by main force, 
Is now in vain ; by fair means, Avorse ; 
But worst of all to give her over. 
Till she's as desperate to recover : 
For bad games are thrown up too soon, 
Until they're never to be won ; 



380 HUDIBRAS. PART 111 

But since I have no other course, 

But is as bad to' attempt, or worse, 

He tliat complies against his will, 

Is of his own opinion still. 

Which he may adhere to, yet disown, 

For reasons to himself best known ; 

But 'tis not to b' avoided now. 

For Sidrophel resolves to sue ; 

Whom I must answer, or begin, 

Inevitably, first with him ; 

For I've received advertisement. 

By times enough, of his intent ; 

And knowing he that first complains 

The' advantage of the business gains ; 

For courts of justice understand 

The plaintiff to be eldest hand ; 

Who what he pleases may aver. 

The other nothing till he swear 

Is freely' admitted to all grace. 

And lawful favour, by his place ; 

And, for his bringing custom in, 

Has all advantages to win. 

I, who resolve to oversee 

No lucky opportunity, 

Will go to counsel, to advise 

Which way to' encounter or surprise, 

And, after long consideration, 

Have found out one to fit tlie' occasion, 

Most apt for what I have to do, 

As counsellor, and justice too. ' 

And truly so, no doubt, he was, 

A lawyer fit for such a case. 

An old dull sot, who told the clock, 

For many years, at Bridewell-dock, 



CANTO III. hudibhas. 881 

At Westminster, and Hicks's-hall, 

And hiccius doctius play'd in all ; 

Where, in all governments and times, 

He 'ad been both friend and foe to crimes, 

And ns'd two equal ways of gaining, 

By hindering justice, or maintaining : 

To many a whore gave privilege, 

And whipp'd, for want of qnaiterage ; 

Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent, 

For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent ; 

And many a trusty pimp and crony 

To Puddle-dock, for want of money : 

Engag'd the constable to seize 

All those that would not break the peace ; 

Nor give him back his own foul words. 

Though sometimes commoners, or lords, 

And kept 'em prisoners of course, 

For being sober at ill hours ; 

That in the morning he might free 

Or bind 'em over for his fee. 

Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays, 

For leave to practise in their ways ; 

Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share 

With the' headborough and scavenger ; 

And made the dirt i' th' streets compound 

For taking up the public ground ; 

The kennel, and the king's highway, 

For being unmolested, pay ; 

Let out the stocks, and whipping-post, 

And cage, to those that gave him most ; 

Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears, 

And, for false weights, on chandelers ; 

Made victuallers and vintners fino 

For arbitrary ale and wine ; 



382 nUDIBRAS. PART Til. 

But ^Yas a kind and constant friend 
To all that regularly' offend ; 
As residentiary bawds, 
And brokers that receive stol'n goods ; 
That cheat in lawful mysteries, 
And pay church duties and his fees ; 
But was implacable and awkward 
To all that interlop'd and hawker'd. 

To this brave man the Knight repairs 
For counsel in his law-alfairs, 
And found him mounted, in his pew, 
With books and money plac'd, for shew, 
Like nest-eggs to make clients lay, 
And for his false opinion pay : 
To whom the Knight, with comely grace. 
Put off his hat, to put his case ; 
Which he as proudly entertain'd 
As the' other courteously strain'd ; 
And, to assure him 'twas not that 
He look'd for, bid him put on's hat. 

Quoth he, ' There is one Sidrophel 
Whom I have cudgell'd ' — * Very well.* 
' And now he brags to 'ave beaten me ; '^ 

* Better, and better still,' quoth he ; 

* And vows to stick me to a wall. 
Where'er he meets me ' — ' Best of all.' 
' 'Tis true the knave has taken 's oath 
That I robb'd him '- ' Well done, in troth.' 
' When he 'as confess'd he stole my cloak, 
And pick'd my fob, and what he took ; 
Which was the cause that made me bang him, 
And take my goods again' — 'Marry, hang him.' 
' Now, whether I should beforehand. 

Swear he robb'd me ? ' — 'I understand.' 



CANTO III. HUDIBllAS. 383 

* Or bring my action of conversion 

And trover for my goods ? ' — ' Ah ! whoreson.' 

* Or, if 'tis better to indite, 

And bring him to his trial ? ' — ' Right.' 

* Prevent what he designs to do, 

And swear for th' state against him ? ' — ' True. 

* Or whether he that is defendant. 
In this case, has the better end on't ; 
Who, putting in a new cross-bill. 

May traverse the' action ? ' — ' Better still.' 

* Then there's a lady, too.' — * Ay, marry.' 

* That's easily prov'd accessary ; 
A Widow, who, by solemn vows 
Contracted to me, for my spouse, 
Combin'd with him to break her word, 
And has abetted all ' — * Good Lord ! ' 

* Suborn'd the' aforesaid Sidrophel 
To tamper with the devil of hell. 
Who put me' into a horrid fear, 

Fear of my life' — ' Make that appear.' 
' Made an assault with fiends and men 
Upon my body ' — ' Good again. ' 

* And kept me in a deadly fright. 
And false imprisonment, all night. 
Meanwhile they robb'd me, and my horse, 
And stole my saddle ' — ' Worse and worse. ' 
' And made me mount upon the bare ridge, 
To' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage. ' 

' Sir, ' quoth the lawyer, * not to flatter ye. 
You have as good and fair a battery 
As heart can wish, and need not shame 
The proudest man alive to claim : 
For if they 'ave us'd you as you say. 
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy • 



384 HUDIBRAS. PART 

I would it were my case, I'd give 

More than I'll say, or you'll believe : 

I Avould so trounce her, and her purse, 

I'd make her kneel for better or worse ; 

For matrimony, and hanging here, 

Both go by destiny so clear, 

That you as sure may pick and choose. 

As cross I win, and pile you lose : 

And if I durst I wou'd advance 

As much in ready maintenance. 

As upon any case I've known ; 

But we that practice dare not own : 

The law severely contrabands 

Our taking business off men's hands ; 

'Tis common barratry, that bears 

Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears, 

And crops them till there is not leather, 

To stick a pin in, left of either ; 

For which some do the summer-saiilt, 

And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault : 

But you may swear at any rate. 

Things not in nature, for the state ; 

For in all courts of justice here 

A witness is not said to swear, 

But make oath, that is, in plain terms, 

To forge whatever he affirms. ' 

' I thank you, ' quoth the knight, ' for that, 
Because 'tis to my purpose pat ' — 
* For Justice, though she's painted blind, 
Is to the weaker side inclin'd. 
Like Charity ; else right and wrong 
Could never hold it out so long. 
And, like blind Fortune, with a sleight, 
Convey men's interest, and right, 



CANTO III. IITJDIBKAS. 385 

From Stiles's pocket into Nokes'B, 

As easily as Hocus Pocus ; 

Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious ; 

And clear again, like hiccms doctius. 

Then, whether yon would take her life, 

Or but recover her for your wife, 

Or be content Avith what she has, 

And let all other matters pass, 

The business to the law's alone, 

The proof is all it looks upon ; 

And you can want no witnesses, 

To swear to any thing you please, 

That hardly get their mere expenses 

By the' labour of their consciences, 

Or letting out, to hire, their ears 

To Affidavit-customers, 

At inconsiderable values. 

To serve for jurymen, or tales. 

Although retain'd in the' hardest matters 

Of trustees and administrators. ' 

* For that,' quoth he, ' let me alone ; 
We 'ave store of such, and all our own, 
Bred up and tutor'd by our Teachers, 
The ablest of conscience-stretchers. ' 

' That's well,' quoth he, ' but I should guess, 
By weighing all advantages, 
Your surest way is first to pitch 
On Bongey^ for a water- witch ; 



'6) Bongey was a Franciscan, and lived towards the end 
of the thirteenth century, a doctor of divinity in Oxford, 
and a particular acquaintance of Friar Bacon's. In that 
ignorant age every thing that seemed extraordinary was 
re])uted magic, and so both Bai-on and Bongey went under 
the imputation of studying the black ait 



386 HUDIBltAS. I'AllT 111. 

And when ye 'ave hangVl the conjurer, 

Ye 'ave time enough to deal with her. 

In the' interim spare for no trepans 

To draw her neck into the banns ; 

Ply her with love-letters and billets, 

And bait 'em well, for quirks and quillets, 

With trains to' inveigle and surjtrise 

Her heedless answers and replies ; 

And if she miss the mouse-trap lines, 

They'll serve for other by-designs ; 

And make an artist understand 

To copy out her seal, or hand ; 

Or find' void places in the paper 

To steal in something to intraj) her ; 

Till with her worldly goods, antl body, 

Spite of her heart, she has endow'd ye : 

Retain all sorts of witnesses. 

That ply i' the' temples, under trees. 

Or walk the round, with Knights o' th' Posts, 

About the cross-legg'd knights, their hosts ; 

Or wait for customers between 

The pillar-rows in Lincolu's-Tnn ; 

"Where vouchers, forgers, common bail, 

And Affidavit-men ne'er fail 

To' expose to sale all sorts of oaths, 

According to their ears and clothes, 

Their only necessary tools. 

Besides the Gosj)el, and their souls ; 

And when ye're furnish'd with all purveys, 

I shall be ready at your service. ' 

* I would not give, ' quoth Hudibras, 
* A straw to understand a case, 
Without the admirable skill 
To wind and manage it at will ; 



HUDTBKAS TO HIS LADY. 887 

To veer, and tack, and steer a cause, 

Against the weather-gage of laws, 

And ring the changes upon cases, 

,As plain as noses upon faces, 

As you have well instructed me. 

For which you 'ave earn'd (here 'tis) your fee. 

I long to practise your advice, 

And try the subtle artifice ; 

To bait a letter, as you bid. ' 

As, not long after, thus he did ; 

For, having pump'd up all his wit, 

And lium'd upon it, thus he writ. 



AN HEROICAL EPISTLE 

OF 

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 



* I WHO was once as groat as Cresar, 

Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnez.'^ar : 

And from as f \m'd a conqueror 

As ever took degree in war, 

Or did his exercise in battle, 

By you turn'd out to grass with cattle 

For since I am denied access 

To all my earthly happiness, 

Am fallen from the paradise 

Of your good graces, and fair eyes ; 

B B 



388 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 

Lost to the world, and you, I'm sent 

To everlasting banishment, 

Where all the hopes I had to 'ave won 

Your heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own. 

' Yet if you were not so severe 
To pass your doom before you hear, 
You'd find, upon my just defence, 
How much ye 'ave wrong'd my innocence. 
That once I made a vow to you. 
Which yet is unperform'd, 'tis true ; 
But not, because it is unpaid, 
'Tis violated, though delay 'd : 
Or, if it were, it is no fault. 
So heinous as you'd have it thought ; 
To undergo the loss of ears, 
Like vulgar hackney perjurers : 
For there's a difference in the case, 
Between the noble and the base ; 
Who always are obscrv'd to 'ave done 't 
Upon as different an a(>count ; 
The one for great and weighty cause, 
To salve, in honour, ugly ffaws ; 
For none are like to do it sooner, 
Thau those who 're nicest of their honour : 
The other, for base gain and pay. 
Forswear and perjure by the day. 
And make the' exposing and retailing 
Their souls, and consciences, a calling. 

* It is no scandal nor aspersion, 
Upon a gi-eat and noble person, 
To say he naturally abhorr'd 
The' old-fashion'd trick to keep his word, 
Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame, 
In meaner men, to do the same : 



HUDIBRAS. 




THE ARGUMENT. 



It is no scandal nor aspersion 

Upon a great and noble person, 

To say he naturally abhorr'd 

The old-fashioned trick to keep his word 

Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame 

In meaner men to do the same. 



HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 3S9 

For to Ije able to forget, 
Is found more useful to the great 
Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes, 
To make 'em pass for wondrous wise. 
But though the law, on perjurers, 
Inflicts the forfeiture of ears, 
It is not just, that does exempt 
The guilty, and punish the' iimocent ; 
To make the ears repair the wrong 
Committed by the' ungovern'd tongue ; 
And, when one member is forsworn, 
Another to be cropt or torn. 
And if you should, as you design, 
By course of law, recover mine, 
You're like, if you consider right. 
To gain but little honour by't. 
For he that for his lady's sake 
Lays down his life, or limbs, at stake. 
Does not so much deserve her favour, 
As he that pawns his soul to have her. 
This ye 'ave acknowledg'd I have done, 
Although you now disdain to own ; 
But sentence what you rather ought 
To' esteem good service than a fault. 
Besides, oaths are not bound to l)ear 
That literal sense the words infer ; 
But, by the practice of the age. 
Are to be judg'd how far tli' engage ; 
And where the sense by custom's checkt, 
Are found void and of none effect ; 
For no man takes or keeps a vow. 
But just as he sees others do ; 
Nor are th' oblig'd to be so brittle, 
As not to yield and bow a little : 
B B 2 



390 HUDIEltAS TO HIS LADY. 

For as best-tempered blades are found, 

Before they break, to bend qnite round ; 

So trnest oaths are still most tough, 

And, though they bow, are breaking proof. 

Then wherefore should they not be' allow'd 

In love a gi'eater latitude ? 

For as the law of arms approves 

All ways to conquest, so should loves ; 

And not be tied to true or false. 

But make that justest that prevails : 

For how can that which is above 

All empire, high and mighty love, 

Submit its great prerogative 

To any other power alive ? 

Shall love, that to no crown gives place, 

Become the subject of a case ? 

The fundamental law of Nature 

Be over-ruled by those made after ? 

Commit the censure of its cause 

To any, but its own great laws ? 

Love, that's the world's preservative, 

That keeps all souls of things alive ; 

Controls the mighty pow'r of Fate, 

And gives mankind a longer date : 

The life of Nature, that restores 

As fast as Time and Death dev(.urs ; 

To whose free-gift the world docs owe 

Not only earth, but heaven too : 

For love's the only trade that's driven, 

The interest of state in heav'n, 

Which nothing but the soul of man 

Is capable to entertain. 

For what can earth produce, but love, 

To represent the joys above ? 



IIUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 391 

Or who, but lovers, can converse, 
Like angels, by the eye-discourse ? 
Address, and compliment by vision. 
Make love, and court by intuition ? 
And burn in amorous flames as fierce 
As those celestial ministers ? 
Theu how can anything off"end 
In order to so great an end ? 
Or Heaven itself a sin resent. 
That for its own supply was meant ? 
That merits, in a kind mistake, 
A pardon for the' offence's sake ? 
Or if it did not, but the cause 
"Were left to the' injury of laws, 
"What tyranny can disapprove 
There should be equity in love ? 
For laws that are inanimate, 
And feel no sense of love or hate, 
That have no passion of their own, 
Nor pity to be wrought upon, 
Are only proper to inflict 
Revenge, on criminals as strict : 
But to have power to forgive, 
Is empire and prerogative ; 
And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem 
To grant a pardon than condemn. 
Then, since so few do what they ought, 
'Tis great to' indulge a well-meant fault ; 
For why should he who made address 
All humble Avays, without success, 
And met with nothing in return 
But insolence, afl'ronts, and scorn, 
Not strive by wit to countermine, 
And bravely carry his design ? 



392 nUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 

He who was us'd so unlike a soldier, 

Blown lip Avith philtres of love-powder : 

And, after letting blood, and purging, 

Condemned to voluntary scourging ; 

Alarm'd with many a horrid fright, 

And claw'd by goblins in the night ; 

Insulted on, revil'd, and jeer'd. 

With rude invasion of the beard ; 

And, when your sex was foully scandal'd, 

As foully by the rabble handled ; 

Attack'd with despicable foes, 

And drubb'd with mean and vulgar blows ; 

And, after all, to be debarr'd 

So much as standing on his guard ; 

When horses, being spurr'd and prick'd, 

Have leave to kick for being kick'd? 

' Or why should you, whose mother-wits 
Are furnish'd with all perquisites ; 
That with your breeding teeth begin 
And nursing babies that lie in, 
Be' allow'd to put all tricks upon 
Our cully sex, and we use none ? 
We, who have nothing but frail vows 
Against your stratagems to oppose, 
Or oaths more feeble than your own, 
By which we are no less put down ? 
You wound, like Parthians, while you fly, 
And kill with a retreating eye ; 
Retire the more, the more we press, 
To draw us into ambushes : 
As pirates all false colours wear, 
To' entrap the' unwary mariner ; 
So women, to surprise us, s];)read 
The borrow'd liags of white and red ; 



HUDIBEAS. 



\h 



\ - 






^;'-^ 



,•»¥?>?■ 



A lover is, the more he's brave 
To' his mistress, but the more a slave ; 
And whatsoever she commands 
Becomes a favour from her hands, 
Which he's oblig'd to' obey, and must, 
Whether it be unjust or just. 



HUDIBRAS TO HIS LxVDY. 393 

Displaj'- 'em thicker on the cheeks, 
Than their old gi-;indmothers, the Picts ; 
And raise more devils with their looks, 
Than conjurers' less subtle books : 
Lay trains of amorous intrigues. 
In tow'rs, and curls, and periwigs. 
With greater art and cunning rear'd. 
Than Philip Kye's thanksgiAdng beard ; ' 
Prepost'rously to' entice and gain 
Those to adore 'em they disdain ; 
And only draw 'em in to clog, 
With idle names, a catalogue. 

' A lover is, the more he's brave, 
To' his mistress but the more a slave, 
And whatsoever she commands, 
Becomes a favour from her hands, 
Which he's obliged to obej'^, and must, 
Whether it be unjust or just. 
Then when he is compelled by her 
To' adventures he would else forbear, 
Who, with his honour, can withstand, 
Since force is greater than command ? 
And when necessity's obey'd, 
Nothing can be unjust or bad : 
And therefore when the mighty pow'rs 
Of Love, our great ally, and your's, 
Join'd forces not to be withstood 
By frail enamour'd flesh and blood ; 
All I have done, unjust or ill, 
Was in obedience to your will, 

(1) Nye was a leading independent preacher, and one of 
tlie assembly of divines : he had the living of Acton, near 
London, and was very remarkable for the singularity of 
his beard. 



394 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 

And all the blame that can be due 

Falls to your cruelty and you. 

Nor are those scandals I confest, 

Against my will and interest, 

More than is daily done, of course, 

By all men, when they're under force : 

"Whence some, upon the rack, confess 

What the' hangman and their prompters please ; 

But are no sooner out of pain. 

Than they deny it all again. 

But when the devil turns confessor, 

Truth is a crime, he takes no pleasure 

To hear or pardon, like the founder 

Of liars, Avhom they all claim under : 

And therefore when I told him none, 

I think it was the wiser done. 

Nor am I without precedent, 

The first that on the' adventure went ; 

All mankind ever did, of course. 

And daily does the same, or worse. 

For what romance can show a lover, 

That had a lady to recover. 

And did not steer a nearer course, ■* 

To fall aboard in his amours ? 

And what at first was held a crime, 

Has turn'd to hon'rable in time. 

' To what a height did infant Rome, 
By ravishing of women, come ? 
When men upon their spouses seiz'd. 
And freely married where they pleas'd. 
They ne'er forswore themselves, nor lied, 
Nor, in the mind they were in, died ; 
Nor took the pains to' address and sue, 
Nor play'd the masquerade, to woo : 



nUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 395 

Disdain'd to stay for friends' consents, 

Nor juggled about settlements ; 

Did need no licence, nor no priest, 

Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist, 

Nor laAvyers, to join land and money 

In the' holy state of matrimony. 

Before they settled hands and hearts, 

Till alimony 2 or death parts ; 

Nor would endure to stay until 

Th' had got the very bride's good will, 

Biit took a wise and shorter course 

To win the ladies, — downright force ; 

And justly made 'em prisoners then. 

As they have, often since, us men, 

"With acting plays, and dancing jigs, 

The luckiest of all Love's intrigues ; 

And when they had them at their pleasure, 

Tiiey talk'd of love and flames at leisure ; 

For after matrimony's over, 

He that holds out but half a lover. 

Deserves, for every minute, more 

Than half a year of love before ; 

For which the dames, in contemplation 

Of that best way of application, 

Prov'd nobler wives than e'er were known, 

By suit, or treaty, to be won ; 

And such as all posterit}'- 

Could never equal, nor come nigh. 

' For women first were made for men. 
Not men for them. — It follows, then. 
That men have right to every one, 
And they no freedom of their own ; 

'2) Alimony is an allowance that the law gives a woinau 
for separate maintenance, upon living froin her husband. 



396 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 

And therefore men have pow'r to choose, 
But they no charter to refuse. 
Hence 'tis apparent that, what course 
Soe'er we take to your amours, 
Though by tlie inJirectest way, 
'Tis no injustice nor foul play ; 
And that you ought to take that course, 
As we take you, for better' or worse, 
And gratefully submit to those 
AVho you, before another, chose. 
For why should every savage beast 
Exceed his great Lord's interest ? 
Have freer pow'r than he, in Grace 
And Nature, o'er the creature has ? 
Because the laws he since has made 
Have cut off all the pow'r he had ; 
Eetrench'd the absolute dominion 
That Nature gave him over women ; 
When all his power will not extend 
One law of Nature to suspend ; 
And but to offer to repeal 
The smallest clause, is to repel. 
This, if men rightly understood 
Their privilege, they would make good, 
And not, like sots, permit their wives 
To' encroach on their prerogatives, 
For which sin they deserve to be 
Kept, as they are, in slavery : 
And this some precious Gifted Teachers, 
Unreverently reputed Leachers, 
And disobey 'd in making love. 
Have vow'd to all the world to prove, 
And make ye suffer, as you ought. 
For that uncharitable fault : 



UUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 397 

But I forget myself, and rove 
Beyond the' instructions of my love. 

' Forgive me, Fair, and only blame 
The' extravagancy of my flame, 
Since 'tis too much at once to show- 
Excess of love and temper too ; 
All I have said that's bad and true, 
Was never meant to aim at j^ou, 
Who have so sov'reign a control 
O'er that poor slave of your's, my soul, 
That, rather than to forfeit you, 
Has ventur'd loss of heaven too ; 
Both with an equal pow'r possest. 
To render all that serve you blest ; 
But none like him, who's destin'd either 
To have or lose you both together ; 
And if you'll but this fault release, 
(For so it must be, since you please) 
I'll pay doA^Ti all that vow, and more, 
Which you commanded, and I swore, 
And expiate, upon my skin, 
The' arrears in full of all my sin : 
For 'tis but just that I should pay 
The' accruing penance for delay, 
AVhich shall be done, until it move 
Your equal pity and your love. ' 

The Knight, perusing this Epistle, 
Believ'd he 'ad brought her to his whistle, 
And read it, like a jocund lover, 
With gi-eat applause, to' himself, twice over 
Subscrib'd his name, but at a lit 
And humble distance, to his wit, 
And dated it with wondrous art, 
' Giv'n from the bottom of his heart : ' 



398 THE I.ADY S ANSWER. 

Then seal'd it with his coat of love, 
A smoking faggot — and above, 
Upon a scroll^' I burn, and weep,' 
And near it — ' For her Ladyship, 
Of all her sex most excellent, 
These to her gentle hands present : ' 
Then gave it to his faithful Squire, 
With lessons how to' observe and eye her. 

She first consider' d which Avas better, 
To send it back, or burn the letter : 
But guessing that it might import, 
Though nothing else, at least her sport, 
She open'd it, and read it out, 
With many a smile and leering flout ; 
Resolv'd to answer it in kind. 
And thus perfonu'd what she dcsign'd. 



LADY'S ANSWER 

TO THE KNIGHT. 



* That you're a beast, and turn'd to grass, 
Is no strange news, nor ever was. 
At least to me, Avho once, you know, 
Did from the pound replevin i you, 

(1) Replevin is the releasing of cattle or goods distrained, 
witli surety to answer the distrainer's suit. 



THE LADY'S ANSWER. 399 

When both your sword and spurs were won 

In combat by an Amazon ; 

That sword that did, like Fate, determine 

The' inevitable death of vermin, 

And never dealt its furions blows. 

But cut the throats of pigs and cows, 

By Trulla was, in single fight, 

Disarmed and wrested from its Knight, 

Your heels degi'aded of your spurs, 

And in the stocks close prisoners, 

"Where still they 'ad lain, in base restraint, 

If I, in pity' of your complaint, 

Had not, on hon'rable conditions, 

Releas'd 'em from the worst of prisons ; 

And what return that favour met 

You cannot (though you would) forget, 

When, being free, you strove to' evade 

The oaths you had in prison made ; 

Forsvv^ore yourself, and first denied it, 

But after own'd, and justified it, 

And when ye 'ad falsely broke one vow, 

Absolv'd youi-self by breaking two : 

For while you sneakingly submit. 

And beg for pardon at our feet, 

Discourag'd by your guilty fears, 

To hope for quarter for yonr ( ars, 

And doubting 'twas in vain to sue. 

You claim us boldly as your due ; 

Declare that treachery and force. 

To deal with us, is th' only course : 

We have no title nor pretence 

To body, soul, or conscience. 

But ought to fall to that man's share 

That claims us for his proper ware : 



400 THE LADYS ANSWER. 

These are the motives which, to' induce, 
Or fright us into love, you use ; 
A pretty new way of gallanting, 
Between soliciting and ranting ; 
Like sturdy beggars, that entreat 
For charity, at once, and threat. 
But since you undertake to prove 
Your own propriety in love. 
As if Ave were but lawful prize 
In war between two enemies. 
Or forfeitures which every lover. 
That would but sue for, might recover, 
It is not hard to understand 
The mystery of this bold demand. 
That cannot at our persons aim. 
But something capable of claim. 

' 'Tis not those paltry counterfeit 
French stones, which in our eyes you set, 
But our right diamonds, that inspire 
And set your amorous hearts on fire ; 
Nor can those false St. Martin's beads 
Which on our lips you lay for reds, 
And make us wear like Indian dames, 
Add luel to your scorching flumes. 
But those true rubies of the rock. 
Which in our cabinets we lock. 
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth. 
That you are so transported with. 
But those we wear about our necks. 
Produce those amorous effects. 
Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair, 
The periwigs you make us wear. 
But those bright guineas in our chests. 
That light the wildfire in your breasts. 



THE lady's answer. 401 

These love-tricks I've been versM in so, 
That all their sly intrigues I know, 
And can unriddle, by their tones, 
Their mystic cabals, and jargones ; 
Can tell what passions, by their sounds, 
Pine for the beauties of my grounds ; 
"What raptures fond and amorous, 
0' the' charms and graces of my house ; 
What ecstasy and scorching flame, 
Burns for my m^ney in my name ; 
"What, from the' unnatural desire 
To beasts and cattle, takes its fire ; 
"What tender sigh, and trickling tear, 
Longs for a thousand pounds a-year ; 
And languishing transports are fond 
Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond. 

' These are the' attracts which most men fall 
Enamour'd, at first sight, withal ; 
To these they' address with serenades. 
And court with balls and masquerades ; 
And yet, for all the yearning pain 
Ye 'ave sufter'd for their loves in vain, 
I fear they'll prove so nice and coy. 
To have, and to' hold, and to enjoy ; 
That, all your oaths and labour lost, 
They'll ne'er turn Ladies of the Post. 
This is not meant to disapprove 
Your judgment, in your choice of love, 
"Which is so wise, the greatest part 
Of mankind study 't as an art ; 
For love should, like a deodand,^ 
Still fall to the' owner of the land ; 

(2) Any thing given or forfeited, for the pacification of 
divine wrath. 



402 THE lady's answer. 

And, where there's substance for its gi'ound, 
Cannot but be more firm and sound, 
Than that which has the slighter basis 
Of airy virtue, wit, and graces, 
Which is of such thin subtlety, 
It steals and creeps in at the eye, 
And, as it can't endure to stay, 
Steals out again as nice a way. 

' But love, that its extraction owns 
From solid gold and precious stones, 
Must, like its shining jiarents, prove 
As solid, and as glorious love. 
Hence 'tis you have no way to' express 
Our charms and graces but by these ; 
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth, 
Which beauty' invades and conquers with, 
But rubies, pearls, and diamonds. 
With which, a philtre-love commands ? 

* This is the way all parents prove 
In managing their children's love. 
That force 'em t' intermany and wed, 
As if th' were burying of the dead ; 
Cast earth to earth, as in the grave, 
To join in wedlock all they have, 
And, when the settlement's in force. 
Take all the rest for better or worse ; 
For money has a power above 
The stars, and fate, to manage love, 
Whose arrows, learned poets hold, 
That never miss, are tipp'd with gold. 
And though some say, the parents' claims 
To make love in their children's names. 
Who, many times, at once provide 
The nurse, the husband, and the bride ; 



THE lady's answer. 403 

Feel darts, and charms, attracts, and flames, 
And woo and contract in their names, 
And, as they christen, use to marry 'em, 
And, like their gossips, answer for 'em, 
Is not to give in matrimony, 
But sell and prostitute for mone)^ 
'Tis better than their own betrothing. 
Who often do 't for worse than nothing ; 
And when they 're at their own dispose, 
With greater disadvantage choose. 
All this is right ; but, for the course 
You take to do 't, by fraud or force, 
'Tis so ridiculous, as soon 
As told, 'tis never to be done ; 
No more than setters can betray, 
That tell what tricks they are to play. 
Marriage, at best, is but a vow, 
Which all men either break, or bow ; 
Then what will those forbear to do. 
Who perjure when they do but woo ? 
Such as beforehand swear and lie, 
For earnest to their treachery ; 
And, rather than a crime confess, 
With gi-eater strive to make it less : ' 

Like thieves, who, after sentence past, 
Maintain their innocence to the last ; 
And when their crimes were made appear^ 
As plain as witnesses can swear ; 
Yet, when the wretches come to die. 
Will take upon their death a lie. 
Kor are the virtues you confess'd 
To' your ghostly father, as you guess'd, 
So slight as to be justified. 
By being as shamefully denied ; 
C C 



404 THE lady's answer. 

As if you thought your word would pass, 

Point-bhmk, ou both sides of a case ; 

Or credit were not to be lost 

B' a brave Knight-errant of the Post, 

That eats perfidiously his word, 

And swears his ears through a two-inch board ; 

Can own the same thing, and disown, 

And perjure hooty pro and con ; 

Can make the Gospel serve his turn, 

And help him out, to be forsworn ; 

"When 'tis laid hands iipon, and kist, 

To be betray 'd and sold, like Christ. 

These are the virtues in whose name 

A right to all the world you claim, 

And boldly challenge a dominion. 

In Gi'ace and Nature, o'er all women ; 

Of whom no less Avill satisfy. 

Than all the sex, your tyranny : 

Although you'll find it a hard province, 

"With all your crafty frauds and covins,^ 

To govern such a numerous crew, 

"Who, one by one, now govern you ; 

For if you all were Solomons, 

A ud wise and great as he was once, 

You'll find they 're able to subdue 

(As they did him) and baflle you. 

And if you are impos'd upon, 
'Tis by your own temptation done, 
That with your ignorance invite, 
And teach us how to use the sleight ; 
For when we find ye 're still more taken 
"With false attracts of our own making, 

(3) Covin is a deceitftil agreement between two or more, 
to tlie injury of some other. 



THE lady's answer. 405 

Swear that's a rose, and that's a stone, 

Like sots, to lis that laid it on. 

And what we did but slightly prime. 

Most ignorantly daub in rhyme, 

You force us, in our own defences, 

To copy beams and influences ; 

To lay perfections on the graces, 

And draw attracts upon our faces ; 

And, in compliance to your wit, 

Your own false jewels counterfeit. 

For by the practice of those arts 

We gain a greater share of hearts ; 

And those deserve in reason most, 

That greatest pains and study cost : 

For great perfections are, like Heav'u, 

Too rich a present to be given. 

Nor are those master-strokes of beauty * 

To be perform'd without hard duty ; 

"Which, when they 're nobly done, and well, 

The simple natural excel. 

How fair and sweet the planted rose 

Beyond the wild in hedges grows ! 

For, without art, the noblest seeds 

Of flow'rs degenerate into weeds : 

How dull and rugged, ere 'tis ground, 

And polish'd, looks a diamond ? 

Though Paradise were e'er so fair, 

It was not kept so without care. 

The whole world, without art and dress. 

Would be but one great wilderness ; 

And mankind but a savage herd, 

For all that Nature has conferr'd ; 

This does but rough-hew and design, 

Leaves Art to polish and refine. 



406 THE lady's answer. 

Though women first were made for men, 
Yet men were made for them again : 
For when (out-witted by his wife) 
Man first turn'd tenant but for life, 
If women had not interven'd, 
How soon had mankind had an end ! 
And that it is in being yet, 
To us alone you are in debt. 
And where 's your liberty of choice, 
And our unnatural No-voice ? 
Since all the privilege you boast, 
And falsely' usurp'd, or vainly lost. 
Is now our right, to whose creation 
You owe your happy restoration. 
And if we had not weighty cause 
To not appear, in making laws, 
"We could, in spite of all your tricks. 
And shallow formal politics, 
Force you our managements to' obey. 
As we to yours (in show) give way. 
Hence 'tis that, while you vainly strive 
To' advance your high prerogative, 
You basely, after all your braves, 
Submit and own yourselves our slaves ; 
And 'cause we do not make it known, 
Nor publicly our interests own. 
Like sots, suppose we have no shares 
In ordering you, and your affairs, 
"When all your empire and command 
You have from us, at second hand : 
As if a pilot, that appears 
To sit still only, while he steers. 
And does not make a noise and stir. 
Like every common mariner, 



THE lady's answer. 407 

Knew nothing of the card, nor star, 
And did not guide the man of war : 
Nor we, because we don't appear 
In Councils, do not govern there ; 
While, like the mighty Prester John,* 
Whose person none dares look upon, 
But is preserv'd in close disguise. 
From b'ing made cheap to vulgar eyes. 
We' enjoy as large a pow'r, unseen, 
To govern him, as he does men ; 
And, in the right of our Pope Joan, 
Make emperors at our feet fall down ; 
Or Joan de Pucelle's^ braver name. 
Our right to arms and conduct claim ; 
Who, though a spinster, yet was able 
To serve France for a Grand Constable. ^ 

We make and execute all laws, 
Can judge the Judges, and the Cause ; 
Prescribe all rules of right or wrong. 
To the' long robe, and the longer tongue, 
'Gainst which the world has no defence, 
But our more powerful eloquence. 



(4) Prester John, an absolute prince, emperor of Abys- 
sinia, or Ethiopia. One of them is reported to have had 
seventy kings for his vassals, and so superb and arrogant, 
that none durst look upon him without his permission. 

(5) Joan of Arc, called also TJie PvcelU, or Maid of 
Orleans. She was bom at the town of Damremi, on the 
Meuse, daughter of James de Arc and Isabella Romee. 

(6) All this is a satire on Kiug Charles II. who was 
governed so much by his mistresses : particularly this lino 
seems to allude to his French mistress, the Duchess of 
Portsmouth, given by that Court, wliom she served in the 
important post of governing Kiug Charles as they directed. 



408 THE lady's answee. 

We manage things of greatest weight 
In all the world's affairs of state ; 
Are ministers of Avar and peace, 
That sway all nations how we please. 
We rule all churches, and their flocks, 
Heretical and orthodox, 
And are the heavenly vehicles 
O' th' spirits in all Conventicles : 
By us is all commerce and trade 
Improv'd, and manag'd, and decay'd ; 
For nothing can go off so well, 
Nor bears that price, as what we sell. 
We rule in every public meeting, 
And make men do what we judge fitting 
Are magistrates in all great towns, 
Where men do nothing but wear gowns. 
We make the man of war strike sail, 
And to our braver conduct veil. 
And, when he 'as chas'd his enemies. 
Submit to us upon his knees. 
Is there an officer of state. 
Untimely rais'd, or magistrate, 
That's haughty and imperious ? 
He's but a joui'neyman to us, 
That, as he gives us cause to do't, 
Can keep him in, or tm-n him out. 

We are your guardians, that increase, 
Or waste your fortunes how we please ; 
And, as you humour us, can deal 
In ajl your matters, ill or well. 

Tis Ave that can dispose, alone, 
Whether your heirs shall be your, own, 
To whose integrity you must. 
In spite of all your caution, trust j 



THE lady's answer. 409 

And, 'less j'oii fly beyond the seas, 

Can fit you with what heirs we phrase ; 

And force you t' own them, though begotten 

By French valets, or Irish footmen. 

Nor can the rigorousest course 

Prevail, unless to make us worse ; 

Who still the harsher we are us'd, 

Are further off from b'ing reduc'd, 

And scorn to' abate, for any ills, 

The least punctilios of our wills. 

Force does but whet our wits to' apply 

Arts, born with us, for remedy, 

Which all your politics, as yet, 

Have ne'er been able to defeat : 

For, when ye 'ave try'd all sorts of ways, 

What fools do' we make of you in plays ? 

AVhile all the favours we afford, 

Are but to gird you with the sword, 

To fight our battles in our steads. 

And have your brains beat out o' your heads ; 

Encounter, in despite of Nature, 

And tight, at once, with fire and water, 

With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas, 

Our pride and vanity to' appease ; 

Kill one another, and cut throats. 

For our good graces, and best thoughts ; 

To do your exercise for honour, 

And have your brains beat out the sooner ; 

Or crack'd, as learnedly, upon 

Things that are never to be known ; 

And still appear the more industrious. 

The more your projects are prepost'rous ; 

To square the circle of the arts, 

And run stark mad to show your parts ; 



'10 THE lady's answer. 

Expound the oracle of laws, 

And turn them which way we see cause 

Be our solicitors and agents, 

And stand for us in all engagements. 

And these are all the mighty pow'rs 
You vainly boast to cry down ours, 
And what in real value's wanting, 
Supply with vapouring and ranting : 
Because yourselves are terrified, 
And stoop to one another's pride, 
Believe we have as little wit 
To be out-hector'd, and submit : 
By your example, lose that right 
In treaties which we gain'd in light ; 
And terrified into an awe, 
Pass on ourselves a Salique law ; 
Or, as some nations use, give place. 
And truckle to your mighty race ; 
Let men usurp the' unjust dominion, 
As if they were the better' women. ^ 



(7) Wc si^e after all, says Mr. Byron, that the Widow was 
too cumiiiig to be entrapped eitlicr by the threats or 
entreaties of the Knight's Epistle. All his hypocritical 
pretences being thus disappointed, we may conjecture that 
he deemed them unavailable ; as we hear nothing farther 
concerning them. 



LONDON : K. CLAY, SON, AND TAYLOR, PRINTERS. 



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